Friday, April 3, 2009

To discuss a list of recession-proof career ventures for you

I know you're all worried about your jobs, but don't fret. Here are...
Wild ARS Chase's Top 10 Recession-Proof Jobs:

1. Muppet puppeteer: There will never, ever* be a time when the world doesn't need the Muppets. What, are you just going to go on in life without Kermit and Miss Piggy? Hell, no! Jason Segal (thought it was Seth Rogen... they're interchangeable) is penning the latest Muppet movie-- why do I think this will include a scene involving Gonzo and a bong-- so there's still some Hensen juice left in there. In fact, why can't we remake popular movies with Muppets? "Muppets: Sex and the City" (Piggy is Samantha, naturally) "Muppets: Iron Man" (using Pigs in Space) "Muppets: Watchmen" (The sex scene could be dicey, but I think Janice from the band could pull it off nicely). Downside: You'll have your hand up a Muppet's fuzzy ass for 8 hours a day. Wakka Wakka!

2. Construction site stop sign twirler: There will always be construction, and so these guys and girls will always have employment. At about $18 an hour. Which, evidently, isn't enough money to buy a razor or a comb. Downside: Working on a 95 degree day on blacktop. And that vest isn't going to compliment your figure.
3. Real World alum: You can spend years-- YEARS-- doing follow-up shows like The Gauntlet, or posing in Playboy, or doing inspirational talks at college campuses. I'm not sure what you need to qualify, except a penchant for getting drunk, sleeping around, and somehow having low self-esteem and being cocky all at once. It helps if you're pretty. Or gay. Or black. Unless you're Steven from Real World: Seattle, cause no one wants that dude around after that Slap Heard Round the World. Downside: You will alienate your significant other by cheating on them within a week of being on the show.

4. Phone message announcer: You know that woman who says, "Please hold," or "The number you are trying to reach is not in service" or"What are you wearing, sexy" or "Please leave a message for..." She's not losing her job anytime soon. But if you murder her, you can take that job! Did I say murder? I meant ask for her job. That's what I meant. Downside: People will grow to hate the sound of your voice.

5. Prisoner: You know who doesn't need a job? A felon! You get food, clothes and shelter every day, don't need a car, people come to see you, and you will likely be in the best shape of your life while you do revenge-minded workouts in the prison yard with thoughts of knifing that dude who snitched. Downside: You will get anal raped.

6. Politician: You can't get laid off. You can only get voted out, and once you're in, you're usually in for a long time. All you have to do is compromise your values and pass a few laws that go against everything you stood for on the campaign trail. You'll get a nice paycheck, people will respect your position and you can actually help pass budgets that result in other people getting laid off instead of you. Genius. Downside: The intern you had sex with will go public.

7. Roadie for the Rolling Stones: I can't imagine they'll stop touring until they'retheir. Good catch, Soda dead, and since Keith Richards technically died years ago, you're set! When the time does come, go be a roadie for T-Pain. He'll be able to AutoTune his voice way into his golden years. Downside: Changing Mick Jaggar's diaper and hearing T-Pain sing about booty when he's 80.

8. Fast food worker: I watched "Super Size Me." I read most of Fast Food Nation. And I still eat at Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy's and the rest of the grease-mongers. Why? Cause that shiz tastes delicious! How often do you see a major fast food restaurant go out of business? You can flip burgers for decades and be confident you'll not get laid off. Downside: You'll get minimum wage forever, and the thought of a deep fryer will send you into night terrors.

9. Porn web site host: Sure, you'll have to wrestle with a guilty conscious every day, but it's not like porn is going to disappear. Porn stars will become less relevant because of home videos, but there will always be a job for one of the most lucrative businesses in America. Downside: You're a porn web site host.

10. Jesus: Do you realize how many people have made a career out of claiming to be the second coming of Christ? People will shower them with money and gifts, with little to no credibility to their claims. With Easter coming up, this could be a sweet time to cash in. Downside: You're a soulless moron breaking a Commandment, and Jesus is going to jacked with He comes back and sees you posing. Jesus hates posers. And kittens.**

** Jesus doesn't hate kittens. Who could?


Racquel Valencia said...

Thank you for this list. I now have so many more career and life options. My own list was much shorter and took a lot more effort;

"Hairdresser! The Internet will never be able to cut your hair for you!"

The downside, of course, is that you have to touch people's scalps. Yuck. And I'm sure there are Japanese hairdresser robots on the way, anyway.

Now, a felon, on the other hand, is something you don't even need a college degree for!

alexis said...

I liked the Felon suggestion, it has bonuses like free meals, lodging and a gym! Those are amenities I look forward to in a career.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahaha, great post. Classic WildARS.

Although clearly being in love has done terrible things to your spelling and grammar. You have even committed the unforgivable they're/their error.

Oh well, I guess this makes us even for me telling you that peanut butter and jelly is poop.

; )

Kellie said...

Great list! I think I'm going to become a roadie. I know a thing or two about rock and roll. After all, I am a guitar hero star!!!

Andy said...

Racquel- Hairdresser is a decent option, unless you're a Pink Lady from Grease.
Alexis- The perks outweigh the rapings.
Soda- Good grief, I'm an idiot sometimes. Trust me, I usually get that right. But I appreciate the keen eye.
Kellie- Guitar Hero is a nice resume filler.

Soda and Candy said...

*peers over top of Sassy Secretary glasses, adjusts hair-bun*

You still have some proof reading to do, young man.

; )

PS - Love the first footnote. *EVER

Soda and Candy said...

Also, I'm only giving you crap because I know you're a professional writer. But do they have someone else do your proofing?

; )

Heather said...

Wonderful choices... If I ever find myself unemployed, this will be very helpful. I have to say I'm leaning towards muppet puppeteer... it has the fewest drawbacks. You know, not that there's anything wrong with anal rape or posing as Jesus.. just not my first choices.

Andy said...

Soda- Fair enough, although no, for this stuff, I'm the only one proof-reading. But, considering I frequently break grammatical rules to suit my wit, I figure I'm bound to screw up the basics here and there, despite my 9th grade teacher's best efforts. Let's just say I don't have those issues when I'm writing formal news stories. (And yes, someone does edit my stuff for Real Blogger, but just minor stuff. They let me get away with murder.)
Heather- A great choice. I think you'll enjoy your close relationship with a Muppet.

Cadence said...

Or you could start your own line of Muppet theatre WHILE you were in jail, using the bitches you've anal-fist-raped as your puppets? Everyone wins.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

HAHAAHA! Andy, that was a hilarious list. Seeing as I'm unemployed, it was quite helpful. I can't quite decide which is better, having my hand up a fuzzy Muppet's ass all day or being a Porn Website host. It's a toss up.

golublog said...

Real world alums cant last very long. When you no longer have abs the gauntlet wants none of you, then you have to appear in local bars and hand out free shots.

Marinka said...

great list! Although I'm worried that people with a Messiah complex will get the Jesus jobs first.

stumbled it.

Jenners said...

I've been worried about what to do but now you've opened my mind up to so many possiblities! Thank you, Wild ARS Chase! You made a real difference in my life.

Erin said...

Seth Rogen isn't writing the forthcoming Muppets movie.

Jason Segel is.

p.huong said...

For some reason I find it hilarious that you chose a picture of a fast food worker with a tattoo on his forearm.

Dr Zibbs said...

If they up the pay for prisoner - I just may give that a shot.

Sam_I_am said...

I worked for PennDot in college and turned signs. I only made $10/hr and they fired me and every other college student by October 31, although, most of us left in August to go back to school. It wasn't a bad job, because I'm a girl and didn't have to do any hard work.

Greg said...

Hey, way to keep a positive attitude and look for opportunities during these dark times! And you're right... even PUCK isn't unemployed. What a sick world. :)

miss minneapolis said...

I like your "downside" for #5. You forgot one of the upsides: free health care. In this economy, the downside might be worth it, no?

Andy said...

Cadence- I can't argue with that logic
Dandy- I can see you hosting a porn site. Not sure what that says about you, though.
Golu- Sad but true fact
Marinka- George Bush hasn't tried it yet, however. Thanks for the Stumble!
Jenners- And people said I'd never amount to anything.
Seth- Man I'm an error machine today. Segal did a good job with puppets in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Huong- Look closer. That's K-Fed.
Zibbs- How much would it take? $50k a year? $100k? $500k?
Sam- You got fired from PennDot? I do recall you working for them; I believe you said it during a choir tour.
Greg- I'm just doing my part. Obama told me to.
Minny- You think anal rape is an upside, perhaps?

Miss Tiff said...

Great List! Love that you included Muppet Puppeteer in the list.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I loved prisoner, but what about the Prison Guard?

I had heard some guy was offered his freedom, but chose to remain inside. Of course, I heard nothing else of this story and envision all these people dying to get in prisoner because of house foreclosure.

Anonymous said...

I hate cats. Not kittens, but definitely cats.

Excellent list. And it begs the question: Why are we still in the news business when there are clearly so many alternatives?

Erin said...

Where do I apply to be Jesus? I check on Monster.com, but no suck luck. How much does the Jesus gig pay? It can't be worse than my teacher salary, right?

Lauren said...

Funny enough, it's actually REALLY hard to become a puppeteer for the Henson company. You have to be trained in the art, apparently, and there are only so many places that can train you.

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