Wild ARS Chase's Top 10 Recession-Proof Jobs:
1. Muppet puppeteer: There will never, ever* be a time when the world doesn't need the Muppets. What, are you just going to go on in life without Kermit and Miss Piggy? Hell, no! Jason Segal (thought it was Seth Rogen... they're interchangeable) is penning the latest Muppet movie-- why do I think this will include a scene involving Gonzo and a bong-- so there's still some Hensen juice left in there. In fact, why can't we remake popular movies with Muppets? "Muppets: Sex and the City" (Piggy is Samantha, naturally) "Muppets: Iron Man" (using Pigs in Space) "Muppets: Watchmen" (The sex scene could be dicey, but I think Janice from the band could pull it off nicely). Downside: You'll have your hand up a Muppet's fuzzy ass for 8 hours a day. Wakka Wakka!
2. Construction site stop sign twirler: There will always be construction, and so these guys and girls will always have employment. At about $18 an hour. Which, evidently, isn't enough money to buy a razor or a comb. Downside: Working on a 95 degree day on blacktop. And that vest isn't going to compliment your figure.
3. Real World alum: You can spend years-- YEARS-- doing follow-up shows like The Gauntlet, or posing in Playboy, or doing inspirational talks at college campuses. I'm not sure what you need to qualify, except a penchant for getting drunk, sleeping around, and somehow having low self-esteem and being cocky all at once. It helps if you're pretty. Or gay. Or black. Unless you're Steven from Real World: Seattle, cause no one wants that dude around after that Slap Heard Round the World. Downside: You will alienate your significant other by cheating on them within a week of being on the show.
4. Phone message announcer: You know that woman who says, "Please hold," or "The number you are trying to reach is not in service" or
5. Prisoner: You know who doesn't need a job? A felon! You get food, clothes and shelter every day, don't need a car, people come to see you, and you will likely be in the best shape of your life while you do revenge-minded workouts in the prison yard with thoughts of knifing that dude who snitched. Downside: You will get anal raped.
6. Politician: You can't get laid off. You can only get voted out, and once you're in, you're usually in for a long time. All you have to do is compromise your values and pass a few laws that go against everything you stood for on the campaign trail. You'll get a nice paycheck, people will respect your position and you can actually help pass budgets that result in other people getting laid off instead of you. Genius. Downside: The intern you had sex with will go public.
7. Roadie for the Rolling Stones: I can't imagine they'll stop touring until they're
8. Fast food worker: I watched "Super Size Me." I read most of Fast Food Nation. And I still eat at Burger King, McDonalds, Wendy's and the rest of the grease-mongers. Why? Cause that shiz tastes delicious! How often do you see a major fast food restaurant go out of business? You can flip burgers for decades and be confident you'll not get laid off. Downside: You'll get minimum wage forever, and the thought of a deep fryer will send you into night terrors.
9. Porn web site host: Sure, you'll have to wrestle with a guilty conscious every day, but it's not like porn is going to disappear. Porn stars will become less relevant because of home videos, but there will always be a job for one of the most lucrative businesses in America. Downside: You're a porn web site host.
10. Jesus: Do you realize how many people have made a career out of claiming to be the second coming of Christ? People will shower them with money and gifts, with little to no credibility to their claims. With Easter coming up, this could be a sweet time to cash in. Downside: You're a soulless moron breaking a Commandment, and Jesus is going to jacked with He comes back and sees you posing. Jesus hates posers. And kittens.**
** Jesus doesn't hate kittens. Who could?