To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Shows Its True Colors

We were promised drama this week after last week's episode ended in Celia calling out Tahlia for wanting to quit the show. Well, promise delivered, CW. Here's Episode 5's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Tahlia-Earl Grey… Celia- Model T… London- London the Baptist… Sandra- Marathon… Teyona- Cruise…Natalie- TBA …

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4)

:01 I just noticed something about about the intro credits. Tyra is A) Not wearing a bra and is bouncing around like the Braless Wonder on "Seinfeld" and B) Is, at one point, getting makeup applied to her chest. I think this is one of those, "You know you're watching 'Top Model' when..."

:03 Cruise and The Hair gang up on Model T for throwing Earl Grey under the bus last episode (At judging, Model T told Tyra that Earl Grey said she wanted to quit; Tyra told her to shut her face). But then, for some reason, Cruise and The Hair go after Dracula, screaming at her from the staircase. Meanwhile, Earl Grey tells everyone that she is just starting to believe in herself. Dracula says, "It was a little too much Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul for me." Nicely said.

:07 TBA tosses her hat into the ring, saying Earl Grey should expect people to go after her if she says she feels like quitting. The Hair launches into Alpha Female mode (kind of like a Power Ranger, I believe) and gets about thiiisss close to TBA's face while telling her she's stupid. She even spells out s-t-u-p-i-d, in case TBA can't spell, which I think was thoughtful and considerate. I'm glad she didn't try to spell out "intellectually challenged." We could have been here all night.

:08 This show is doing nothing for race relations. It's literally white girls on one side of this shout-fest, and black girls on the other side. I haven't seen this kind of uncomfortable racial rivalry since "Bring It On." Unfortunately for the girls, there's no sign of Gabrielle Union or Kirsten Dunst to cheer this thing out.

:11 Challenge time: Facial expression competition, with guest mentor, Beth Stern. As in, Howard Stern's wife, Beth Stern. I'd tell you more about what happened, but all I can think of is Howard Stern getting intimate with his wife, and I... I... I think I'm going to need counseling.

:22 OK, I'm back. I think Top Model is running out of ideas. The girls had to stick their face into the opening in a cardboard cutout of a Tyra photo. Like you would do at the county fair. TBA won, but I'm not sure if that's something I'd write home to mom about. For winning, she gets extra frames at the next photo shoot, a funnel cake and a stuffed bear.

:24 Earl Grey takes the high road and talks out her frustrations with Model T, who says she was just trying to let Tyra know what was going on and it was nothing personal. This would be more heartwarming if earlier, Earl Grey hadn't told The Hair to go bash Model T, and if Model T hadn't said in her confessional she is not sorry she told Tyra.

:29 Photo shoot time. Keeping with the facial expression theme, the girls have colored dust blown on their face-- think Al Pacino at the end of Scarface, except put food dye in the cocaine-- and are supposed to emote the color. Evidently, Dracula believes emoting hot pink means "Look like a deer just before it's hit by a car."

:32 I'd like to take this moment to mention Fomula. I haven't mentioned her in several episodes, back to when she complained about having a boyish haircut. That's because she has quietly done some of the best work of all the models since that traumatic day, especially after she stopped complaining. So, future Top Model contestants, please don't complain when you get the boy cut. I know you will anyway, but you've been warned.

:33 TBA, colored orange, is told by photo director Jay Manuel to emote "throbbing passion." TBA responds by looking dead in the eyes. I'd hate to be her lover... OK, fine, that's not true.

:39 Did you know "Everybody Hates Chris" is still on the air? I just saw a commercial. Maybe The CW got tired of promoting "Gossip Girl" nonstop and decided to run old ads. Or maybe they can't cancel the show because they have nothing to replace it. I say they run "Saved by the Bell" episodes. I'd watch.

:43 Judging time: The photos (will post examples soon) look like the models made out with a Crayola box. Only a few of the girls actually accomplish the goal of emoting the color. London the Baptist, who had blue, looks like she attended a live performance of Passion of the Papa Smurf.

:55 Fomula gets the top photo (she had red). The bottom two girls are... Marathon, who spent the episode talking about how she is the best in the competition, and Model T, who spend the entire episode talking about how she knows she's going home.

:58 Marathon goes home, but not until Tyra gives Model T a verbal lashing for throwing Earl Grey under the bus. Since Tyra talks. In. Slow. Motion. during judging, this takes about 35 minutes.

:59 Even after she gets kicked off, Marathon says she is better than all the other girls. At least she stuck to her true colors (see the episode tie-in there? Brilliant.)

I'll have Marathon's Real Blogger Exit Interview on Monday, if you're interested...Here's Cheesecake's.