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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

To discuss a two-week Weekend Update, Part One

The past two weeks have flown by... in that time, we've crowned a Top Model and an American Idol, my computer died, I was told to grow a mustache and I visited one of America's finest imported retailers.
To catch up on lost blogging (see: died, computer), here's a two-part Weekend Update, starting off with my trip to a nearby amusement park, Hershey Park, that, coincidentally, is not too far from where Jon and Kate Plus 8 Plus 1 Mistress live. I did not see them, although at least if they do visit, they have an even number of kids for the rides. I think it would have been acceptable, if they instead had quintuplets, to go for one more baby to even that out. Or to "forget" one near a hospital entrance. Whatever is easiest.
Weekend Number 1:
  • My last visit to Hershey Park about 13 years ago. I have since have become an old man. At least, that's what I infer from the age bracket most of the tweenage park visitors seemed to belong to, a bracket full of "Oh my God you guys!" "He, like, likes me, but I, like, like his friend or whatever" and "I'm not fully aware yet that it's inappropriate for me to show cleavage like this in public, since I only developed cleavage three weeks ago and now I'm jail bait's jail bait."
  • coasterdom.com Hershey Park Fahrenheit
  • Some men determine their manhood through such trials as football, ultimate fighting or wearing loin cloths. I believe I determined mine on the first roller coaster, Fahrenheit, which immediately takes you straight up into the sky. Straight Up.* At one point, I saw Jesus, then determined it couldn't have been Jesus because Jesus, historically speaking, would not have been tall enough to be on the ride... I think I retained my man card on the coaster, as I didn't cry or scream.***
  • Capricorn and I rode four roller coasters... but she didn't get scared until she noticed an approaching thunderstorm and was convinced a bolt of lightning amidst the towering steel would strike us all dead. Although that theory only works if you are Wile E. Coyote, we ran for shelter nonetheless as the storm poured on. Next time, I'll skip the admission tickets and just rent "Twister" to give Capricorn the same level of excitement and fear, plus a pre-famous Philip Seymour Hoffman, a pre-Big Love Bill Paxton and a Mad-About-You Helen Hunt. Now that, friends, is the perfect storm.
  • Capricorn informed me I'm not allowed to become a carny.
  • Why can't public transportation replicate the thrill of a roller coaster? We'd solve this energy crisis and increase light rail use if we could make the rides include loops, powered launches and steep drops.****
  • Speaking of which, the visit inspired me to play a computer game for the first time since my Oregon Trail days. And, if you read the ensuing post, you know what happened next with Roller Coaster Tycoon. Epic Computer Fail. Epic Virus Win. At that moment, I hated all roller coasters not named Ben.
  • Not an Epic Fail: This photo of Capricorn and I on a wooden roller coaster. Fortunately, I was wearing my adult diaper.


* Now tell me, are you gonna love me forever?**
** Oh Oh Oh.
*** Just kidding. I haven't had a man card since I first walked into Express Men.
**** Also, if there were fewer creepy people who twitch and grin at you with four teeth.

Come back for part II midday...

10 comments:

Amy xxoo said...

I.LOVE.Rollercoasters. All theme park thrill rides actually, whether they are coasters, or those ones that look like pirate ships that do 360 degree rolls back and forth, or giant drops.

Andy, you should take a day and make your way up to Six Flags in Jackson, NJ. I know you Americans dont like driving too far but trust me - the awesomness that will be your 12 seconds on Kingda Ka - the tallest, fastest coaster in the world! - will make the drive totally worth it!

~Sheila~ said...

I haven't been on a rollercoaster in ages! I really mean AGES!!!
I love the rides. I'm waiting for all the kids to become eligible to ride. (height requirements) so that we can all go on and no one has to stay at the bottom. Hopefully Angel doesn't knock me up before then.

Carneys....what can I say. There is a difference between carnies and amusement parks.
The carneys I knew (thanks to Dom's biological dad) were all crackheads and smackheads. Not the best crowd for you to want to hang out with. Seen it first hand.

Still, I'm jealous. I want to ride again.
(take that however you like...lol).

Sam_I_am said...

We went to Hershey Park last year. I only rode 2 coasters. I grew up full of Steel Phantom rides, but this. this was ridiculous. My science class taught me that the human body can't be at those angles and be safe. I did like the water rides though. Especially the one like a toilet.

Heather said...

Oh, I LOVE roller coaster. I need to go to Six Flags soon. Gah... now I cant't think about work. All I can think about is skipping out to go to an amusement park. Thanks for that...

And that picture is priceless! Love it!

Nick James said...

Sounds very fun! Enjoyable as always!!

Kellie said...

That picture of you guys is great! I love Capricorn's eyes. Could they get any bigger? :) Fun!

Soda and Candy said...

yaaaay, Andy's back. I would have been right there with Capricorn on the lightning thing.

I don't mind rollercoasters because I don't get motion sickness unless I'm sick already, but I haven't been on one in ages.

Children of the Nineties said...

My boyfriend and I were at Seaworld this weekend (please suspend judgment, thanks) and I made him go on the water rides where you get drenched. He looked about as happy as you on that roller coaster.

spleeness said...

I cannot imagine Capricorn's reticence during the storm. I mean, a big metal structure arcing into the sky, the tallest thing for miles around? Pssht. Don't you mind those little ol' bolts. They're just static!

Ben said...

Yes! I managed to transcend a rollercoaster sweeping statement!

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