To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Cycle 12 Finale

The "America's Next Top Model" finale. It's here. The one you've all been wai.... the one you can't stop thi.... the one that was on last night.

Who knows what I'll do Play by Plays on next, with Top Model done for a few months. Suggestions?

Here's the nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9) Model T (Ep. 10)

:05 Like a band geek left behind on a bus full of cheerleaders, Dracula feels out of place with best friends The Hair and Cruise.

:07 It's Cover Girl photoshoot/video time. Prediction: One of the girls has trouble remembering her lines. All eight of them. Modeling is tough!

:08 Last year's winner, McKey, is visiting to offer the girls' advice. Somewhere, Natasha Henstridge is frantically calling 911, asking for help in locating her gangly, awkward sister.

:09 The Hair gives a convincing performance for her commercial, after director Jay Manuel tells her to move her face around and stop being all "Botoxville" See: Housewives, The Real.

:10 The photographer says Dracula has that "Bettie Paige look." I'm not so sure I'd want a Dracula pin-up above my bed. That's more scary dream than wet dream.

:11 ... anddddd cue tears. Cruise forgot the words. I think they should put one of those bouncing dot things on a teleprompter to help the models. And the dot should be Tyra's face

:19 Based on those Cover Girls commercials, these are the weakest final three in recent Top Model memory. They're beautiful, sure, but... man... this is more like "Rhode Island's Top Model" or "The Greater Montana Area Top Model" compared to some past seasons (remember Jaslene, Renee and Natasha, Season 8?)

:20 Judging time. Soak in judge Paulina Porizkova now...'cause she got fired and won't be back. Bring back Janice Dickinson!

:21 Cruise's Cover Girl commercial is to acting trainwrecks as to Hilary Duff is to... well, acting trainwrecks.

:23 Tyra is telling the models how she thinks real people talk. I hope she doesn't use herself as an example, or the models will. start. talking in low. voices with. lots of pauses for. dramatic effect.

:29 Dracula is in...

:30 And so is... Cruise. That means The Hair, who was at one point referred to by judges as "a waste of a body," is going home. I'm so glad I don't have to go before judges to keep my job. I can only imagine what they'd refer me as a "waste of."

:32 Cruise's collarbone bothers me. It sticks out like an appendage, like a chest arm. I'm afraid a stray dog is going to jump on her and gnaw on it. And Dracula still has those bug eyes, which I said in the first episode "might hurt her chances." By hurt her chances, I meant "take her to the finals." Just to be clear.

:33 Does anyone have an idea how old Jay Manuel is? He hasn't aged since the series began.

:35 Try to understand this Top Model logic: Every season, the girls get maybe one runway lesson with Miss J, and have one or two runway challenges. But, in the season finale, with everything on the line, they have a mammoth runway show to serve as judging fodder. Makes no sense. Another thing that makes no sense: Capris.

:36 Tyra gives the girls a pep talk. The girls reaction: "Um-hmm... yeah.... yep." I've sounded more excited getting my taxes done than they do for the final runway show. Your final two, everyone!

:44 After two passes on the runway, it's time for the big finale. The big finale involves all the models coating themselves in black paint and writhing on the floor with each other. You read that right.

:48 Judging time. They're going through all of this season's photos for Dracula and Cruise. Here's a fruity photo of Dracula.


:57 And the winner is... Tyra Banks!
No, it's Cruise, who got her Play by Play nickname for saying she was a tomboy (as in, Tom Cruise).

This is the same Cruise who Tyra at one point described as having a windblown face... and now, she's America's Next Top Model.