Wednesday, May 13, 2009

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Cycle 12 Finale

The "America's Next Top Model" finale. It's here. The one you've all been wai.... the one you can't stop thi.... the one that was on last night.

Who knows what I'll do Play by Plays on next, with Top Model done for a few months. Suggestions?

Here's the nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9) Model T (Ep. 10)

:05 Like a band geek left behind on a bus full of cheerleaders, Dracula feels out of place with best friends The Hair and Cruise.

:07 It's Cover Girl photoshoot/video time. Prediction: One of the girls has trouble remembering her lines. All eight of them. Modeling is tough!

:08 Last year's winner, McKey, is visiting to offer the girls' advice. Somewhere, Natasha Henstridge is frantically calling 911, asking for help in locating her gangly, awkward sister.

:09 The Hair gives a convincing performance for her commercial, after director Jay Manuel tells her to move her face around and stop being all "Botoxville" See: Housewives, The Real.

:10 The photographer says Dracula has that "Bettie Paige look." I'm not so sure I'd want a Dracula pin-up above my bed. That's more scary dream than wet dream.

:11 ... anddddd cue tears. Cruise forgot the words. I think they should put one of those bouncing dot things on a teleprompter to help the models. And the dot should be Tyra's face

:19 Based on those Cover Girls commercials, these are the weakest final three in recent Top Model memory. They're beautiful, sure, but... man... this is more like "Rhode Island's Top Model" or "The Greater Montana Area Top Model" compared to some past seasons (remember Jaslene, Renee and Natasha, Season 8?)

:20 Judging time. Soak in judge Paulina Porizkova now...'cause she got fired and won't be back. Bring back Janice Dickinson!

:21 Cruise's Cover Girl commercial is to acting trainwrecks as to Hilary Duff is to... well, acting trainwrecks.

:23 Tyra is telling the models how she thinks real people talk. I hope she doesn't use herself as an example, or the models will. start. talking in low. voices with. lots of pauses for. dramatic effect.

:29 Dracula is in...

:30 And so is... Cruise. That means The Hair, who was at one point referred to by judges as "a waste of a body," is going home. I'm so glad I don't have to go before judges to keep my job. I can only imagine what they'd refer me as a "waste of."

:32 Cruise's collarbone bothers me. It sticks out like an appendage, like a chest arm. I'm afraid a stray dog is going to jump on her and gnaw on it. And Dracula still has those bug eyes, which I said in the first episode "might hurt her chances." By hurt her chances, I meant "take her to the finals." Just to be clear.

:33 Does anyone have an idea how old Jay Manuel is? He hasn't aged since the series began.

:35 Try to understand this Top Model logic: Every season, the girls get maybe one runway lesson with Miss J, and have one or two runway challenges. But, in the season finale, with everything on the line, they have a mammoth runway show to serve as judging fodder. Makes no sense. Another thing that makes no sense: Capris.

:36 Tyra gives the girls a pep talk. The girls reaction: "Um-hmm... yeah.... yep." I've sounded more excited getting my taxes done than they do for the final runway show. Your final two, everyone!

:44 After two passes on the runway, it's time for the big finale. The big finale involves all the models coating themselves in black paint and writhing on the floor with each other. You read that right.

:48 Judging time. They're going through all of this season's photos for Dracula and Cruise. Here's a fruity photo of Dracula.

:57 And the winner is... Tyra Banks!
No, it's Cruise, who got her Play by Play nickname for saying she was a tomboy (as in, Tom Cruise).

This is the same Cruise who Tyra at one point described as having a windblown face... and now, she's America's Next Top Model.


Anonymous said...

Out of those three, Teyona was the LAST one I wanted to win. I was very much rooting for Allison.

ANTM lets me down yet again. Bummer.

Heather said...

Yeah - I was pulling for Draclua. Cruise bores me. At least Dracula had the creepy thing going for her. Booo ANTM. Boo.

Children of the Nineties said...

I've been wondering about Jay Manuel myself! If this is the 12th season, how is it possible that he actually looks younger than in the 1st season?

Also, "see Housewives, the Real." Brilliant.

smidge said...

Argh you just told me the winner of last season which we are only just getting here!! (and watching religiously) Well she was the best..

Soda and Candy said...

Worst. Final Three. Ever.

All of them had terrible commercials. McKey's cameo just proved how little she deserved to be last season's winner, so... I hate McKey a lot.

But at least Dracula learned how to walk before the final runway show! I would rather she won to be honest. Oh well. Y'all know I will still watch it next season.

Kellie said...

But I love capris!!!

Oh and Cruise, she was just ok to me. I kind of liked Dracula better...

Andy said...

Motown: Allison was inconsistent, but seems to have more upside. I never looked at Teyona and thought, "Wow."
Heather: Boo, indeed.
Children: His skin is so orange-ified, maybe it can't age.
Smidge: First time I've been accused of spoiling something from a year ago. Sorry, Smidge! Hey, people still watched Titanic, and they know what happens.
Soda: Dracula did improve, drastically.
Kellie: Capris can work on some girls. Others, it looks like shorts FAIL.

Elisse said...

Season 8 was epic! As was season 7, actually, with the twins, Melrose, and Caridee. I stopped watching after season 8, though...I don't think anything could top it and I just got bored after that. Ah well.

Great review(s), Andy! Thanks for doing this - more entertaining than the actual show, IMO. :)

WuTang said...

I heard about the mud scene and just had to rush right over and ready what you had to say about it ;)

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