Monday, September 14, 2009

To discuss things I learned about the NFL

Sunday marked the first full day of NFL games this season. Like all holidays, I think it's important we revel in it and think of the lessons we learned:

We learned:
  • Being in a fantasy league increases your interest in football a phenomenal amount. Now, beyond my hometown Steelers, I have a reason to be interested in a Broncos-Bengals game that even their mothers turned off to watch Sex and the City reruns. If I developed a fantasy church league, I bet I could increase membership tenfold. "I've got the pastor at the Presbyterian church on my team- I need to see how he's preaching today."
  • No one cares about your fantasy team other than you, no matter how many times you tell your girlfriend you've got Drew Brees as your quarterback and he threw for six touchdowns today and you'd like to name your firstborn Brees if it's alright with her, unless Drew gets hurt next week, and then we'll just name the kid Spartacus as planned.
  • Brett Favre is a douche bag, no matter the team he plays for. He may "play the game with the passion of a kid," as announcers say, but he still "is a waffling, backstabbing, tool."
  • Fox Sports appreciates cheerleader close-up cams more than CBS.
  • The only thing more juiced than players on Sundays are the cheerleaders. I'd like to see before and after photos of "pre-NFL cheerleader" to "current NFL cheerleader." I imagine it's like "She's All That," except there's no Freddie Prinze Jr., and Rachel Leigh Cook gets lipo'd and injected within an inch of her life. And she wears whore red lipstick.
  • The Ravens, Saints, Vikings and Eagles are really good.
  • The Lions might not win before the second coming of Christ.
  • Donovan McNabb, my fantasy quarterback in my other league, had a great day: two passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and one fractured rib. My league does not award bone fracture points, sadly, so Donovan's extra effort goes unrewarded. Keep your chin up, Donovan.
  • Sideline reporters are the Paula Abdul of NFL broadcasts.
  • There are few things in life more annoying than NFL analysts using "football" as an adjective for football terms. "When we're talking about football players in the National Football League competing on the football field, Brett Favre shows time and again he can make the best football plays throwing the football to his receivers so they can make football plays."
  • Judging by the number of pointed fingers to the sky after touchdowns, God answered more prayer requests for players to score than he's ever answered prayer requests to heal the sick. So, next time you're sick, trick God by saying, "Hey, God, I'm really hoping you can help me score some white blood cells so I can lead my body to healthy victory." God's a sucker for sports.
  • God hates Brett Favre.
  • The NFL is as popular as ever, which cynics will point to as a sign of misplaced values- more people can tell you who won the past five Super Bowls than can tell you who were the past five vice presidents. Don't worry, though. Nobody likes the losers who can name vice presidents.
  • Fantasy football has you do strange things, like root for and against somebody at the same time: I needed the Colts defense to do well, but the Jaguars kicker to score lots of points against them. Must be how Tyra Banks feels about the Top Model contestants.


kisatrtle said...

Loved the Brett Farve comments. Did you see that commercial during the Giants game when he couldn't make up his mind about the TV...that was too funny

Miss Tiff said...

I'm so happy it's football time again. :) Spending the afternoon watching football always makes my day. I definitely agree with you about the Lions. I can't stand Brett Favre.

gracie-mel said...

how in the world did you find that graphic? I mean, seriously! Who would want that as a gift??

FunnyGal KAT said...

Dear Capricorn,
I am soooo with you on the not caring about who the Pretend Husband got on his fantasy team. When he decides to actually go out and play professional football and bring home the bucks, then I promise to care. Until then, I will continue to mock him (and Andy) for pretending to be pretend team owners with pretend line-ups that win them points in a pretend league.
Joining you in fantasy football hell until this stupid sport finishes its season sometime in 2012,
FunnyGal KAT

Children of the 90s said...

Yes yes yes. I agree completely about sportscasters inability to come up with any alternative terminology when discussing a sport. It goes the same way in basketball. I also like the way they say really obvious things during downtime and make completely unwarranted predictions. Where do I sign up?

As a native Minnesotan, I'm just happy the Vikings are getting attention at all.

Amy xxoo said...

Ok, so obviously i dont know jack squat about the NFL ( beyond the fact that the New York Jets are the best team ever. Apparently ).

However, it is finals time down here in the National Rugby League. My team is out for the season, but Mr Gil's team is still in. If they win the league this year, i may have to consider naming my baby Fui Fui....

elle michelle said...

I'm in a fantasy football league this year for the first time and your first lesson is SO true. PS, I got first pick in the draft, so I got Peterson -- this means I won't embarrass myself too badly this season. Hurray!

Jill Pilgrim said...

If it weren't for the incredibly tight pants on exceptionally good looking men, football would make me want to kill myself out of sheer boredom.

Jenners said...

Eagles are #1 ... for the first week at least ... until they suck it up like they always do. I hate being a Philly fan.

And Mr. Favre needs to watch "Seinfeld" -- you always go out on top. Now he is just going to look like a jerk.

And I used to be in a weekly football pool when I used to work in an office and this one guy was so into it and his fantasy football league -- but all us girls consistently beat him in the weekly pool by choosing teams based on what colors we liked or what cities we had been to. It drove him nuts ... he would study stats and all this jazz and then we'd pick like "girls" and would trounce him. It was sweet. Good times, good times.

Andy said...

Kisa- I missed it!
Tiff- I hope Brett Favre plays for the Lions next year.
Mel- Funny thing is, there are more figurines of Jesus just like it.
KAT- If it helps, I can win money in both my leagues. Last year, I won $150 for third place.. of course, it cost me $150 to enter, so I broke even.
90s- The Vikings will find a way to mess it all up. As usual.
Amy- This rugby thing always sounds intriguing, but it has yet to catch on here.
Elle- You must have loved his 150-plus yard performance last week.
Jill- Nothing like watching a 400 pound lineman in tights.
Jenners- The Eagles already got McNabb hurt. He's my QB for my fantasy team. I hate the Eagles now. ... PS love that you rocked your fantasy pool.

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