To discuss things I learned about the NFL

Sunday marked the first full day of NFL games this season. Like all holidays, I think it's important we revel in it and think of the lessons we learned:

We learned:

• Being in a fantasy league increases your interest in football a phenomenal amount. Now, beyond my hometown Steelers, I have a reason to be interested in a Broncos-Bengals game that even their mothers turned off to watch Sex and the City reruns. If I developed a fantasy church league, I bet I could increase membership tenfold. "I've got the pastor at the Presbyterian church on my team- I need to see how he's preaching today."
  
• No one cares about your fantasy team other than you, no matter how many times you tell your girlfriend you've got Drew Brees as your quarterback and he threw for six touchdowns today and you'd like to name your firstborn Brees if it's alright with her, unless Drew gets hurt next week, and then we'll just name the kid Spartacus as planned.
  
• Brett Favre is a douche bag, no matter the team he plays for. He may "play the game with the passion of a kid," as announcers say, but he still "is a waffling, backstabbing, tool."
• Fox Sports appreciates cheerleader close-up cams more than CBS.
• The only thing more juiced than players on Sundays are the cheerleaders. I'd like to see before and after photos of "pre-NFL cheerleader" to "current NFL cheerleader." I imagine it's like "She's All That," except there's no Freddie Prinze Jr., and Rachel Leigh Cook gets lipo'd and injected within an inch of her life. And she wears whore red lipstick.
  
• The Ravens, Saints, Vikings and Eagles are really good.
• The Lions might not win before the second coming of Christ.
• Donovan McNabb, my fantasy quarterback in my other league, had a great day: two passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and one fractured rib. My league does not award bone fracture points, sadly, so Donovan's extra effort goes unrewarded. Keep your chin up, Donovan.
  
• Sideline reporters are the Paula Abdul of NFL broadcasts.
• There are few things in life more annoying than NFL analysts using "football" as an adjective for football terms. "When we're talking about football players in the National Football League competing on the football field, Brett Favre shows time and again he can make the best football plays throwing the football to his receivers so they can make football plays."
• Judging by the number of pointed fingers to the sky after touchdowns, God answered more prayer requests for players to score than he's ever answered prayer requests to heal the sick. So, next time you're sick, trick God by saying, "Hey, God, I'm really hoping you can help me score some white blood cells so I can lead my body to healthy victory." God's a sucker for sports.
• God hates Brett Favre.
• The NFL is as popular as ever, which cynics will point to as a sign of misplaced values- more people can tell you who won the past five Super Bowls than can tell you who were the past five vice presidents. Don't worry, though. Nobody likes the losers who can name vice presidents.
• Fantasy football has you do strange things, like root for and against somebody at the same time: I needed the Colts defense to do well, but the Jaguars kicker to score lots of points against them. Must be how Tyra Banks feels about the Top Model contestants.