To discuss Praise and Worship Song Mad Libs

I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. No, I did not need to leave so I could go into sex addiction therapy. Only famous people can get away with saying they have a sex addiction as an excuse for anything.

Instead, all I can say is that I needed some "me" time during a rough few weeks. I also played some Playstation for the first time in forever. How long? Well, I'm referencing my Playstation 2, if that means anything.

But I'm feeling recharged now. Recharged enough to write a post I've been wanting to write for some time now ...

You know what sticks in my craw?

I don't know, because I'm not sure exactly my craw is.

But you know what really gets me frustrated?

Praise and worship songs. Now, before you start wielding pitchforks, let me say I've got nothing against Jesus, or people getting into the music. But if Jesus was sitting beside me in one of those huge, nondenominational church services that are becoming so popular, he'd listen to the songs and say, "Sweet Me, don't tell me that's what you're passing off as praise and worship!?!? The Black Eyed Peas have more original lyrics!"

Here's why: I'm not so sure most people attending church have any idea what they are really singing. Actually, I think a lot of megachurches are set up to be a good experience and not necessarily a good service, but that's another accusation for another time.

Let me ask you this, and let's assume you're a Biblelish person (humor me). How many times a day do you use phrases such as "majesty and glory" "bigger than the mountains" "casting down my burdens" or "I sing beneath the shadow of your wings"?

I'm fairly certain a majority of people sing the praise and worship songs and only know two things:
1) God enjoys us praising him, regardless of the song (this is true)
2) This song is about God, so it is by default quality music (this is not true)

I'd argue that there's nothing in the Bible that says you need to reference ancient Hebrew phrases to make a song worship-y enough, but man, people get into it ... They may not be quite sure why they are singing about metaphorical rivers, but as long as we repeat the chorus 7 or 8 times, it's gold!

The problem is, people are always in a rush and eager to find any way they can to cut down on time. As a service to them, I thought I'd offer an all-inclusive Mad Libs praise and worship song. Please use the wordbank at the bottom.

For background music, insert at least three guitars, bongo drums, regular drums, a violin and several overzealous background singers who clap one hand on to the opposite wrist to keep time.

Starts out soft with just guitars and a soft drum beat

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Picking up speed and intensity not unlike a Lady Gaga song

(God name)
Your (random worship buzz word) is so (adjective)
You (verb) in us
And for that, we (verb) all day

Full musical backing with dramatic hand gestures

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb you)
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Slow again to give the appearance of a new stanza, except it's the same one, because repeating phrases is the key to getting God to remember what you've just said. Either God has Alzheimers, or worship song writers just run out of lyrics.

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Full musical backing with even more dramatic hand gestures and pyrotechnics. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Bringing it back down to a capella, as that's how you show you're serious about what you're singing.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Building back up the tempo as drums kick back in to get this mother going

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Full out musical war on that stage, y'all
Yes (God name)
We (verb) you

Repeat this chorus 10 times or people will think you hate Christians and kittens. On last repeat, do it a capella again to bring it back for a moment of reflection (for you, not God. God doesn't need quiet for reflection. He's God.).

Praise and Worship Mad Lib words

God names: Lord/Father/Almighty/Yahweh/Big Guy
Adjectives: Blessed/Glorious/Majestic/Amazing/Worthy/Off the chain
Random geographic term: River/Sea/Mountain/Earth/Meadow/Icelandic Volcano
Random worship buzz word: Sovereignty/Abundance/Hallelujah/Sin/Potluck Supper
Random animal: Lamb/Sheep/Eagle/Lion/Vampire
Verb: Cast/Glorify/Believe/Praise/Trust/Dwell/Pray/Breakdance

To discuss things I learned about the NFL

Sunday marked the first full day of NFL games this season. Like all holidays, I think it's important we revel in it and think of the lessons we learned:

We learned:

• Being in a fantasy league increases your interest in football a phenomenal amount. Now, beyond my hometown Steelers, I have a reason to be interested in a Broncos-Bengals game that even their mothers turned off to watch Sex and the City reruns. If I developed a fantasy church league, I bet I could increase membership tenfold. "I've got the pastor at the Presbyterian church on my team- I need to see how he's preaching today."
  
• No one cares about your fantasy team other than you, no matter how many times you tell your girlfriend you've got Drew Brees as your quarterback and he threw for six touchdowns today and you'd like to name your firstborn Brees if it's alright with her, unless Drew gets hurt next week, and then we'll just name the kid Spartacus as planned.
  
• Brett Favre is a douche bag, no matter the team he plays for. He may "play the game with the passion of a kid," as announcers say, but he still "is a waffling, backstabbing, tool."
• Fox Sports appreciates cheerleader close-up cams more than CBS.
• The only thing more juiced than players on Sundays are the cheerleaders. I'd like to see before and after photos of "pre-NFL cheerleader" to "current NFL cheerleader." I imagine it's like "She's All That," except there's no Freddie Prinze Jr., and Rachel Leigh Cook gets lipo'd and injected within an inch of her life. And she wears whore red lipstick.
  
• The Ravens, Saints, Vikings and Eagles are really good.
• The Lions might not win before the second coming of Christ.
• Donovan McNabb, my fantasy quarterback in my other league, had a great day: two passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and one fractured rib. My league does not award bone fracture points, sadly, so Donovan's extra effort goes unrewarded. Keep your chin up, Donovan.
  
• Sideline reporters are the Paula Abdul of NFL broadcasts.
• There are few things in life more annoying than NFL analysts using "football" as an adjective for football terms. "When we're talking about football players in the National Football League competing on the football field, Brett Favre shows time and again he can make the best football plays throwing the football to his receivers so they can make football plays."
• Judging by the number of pointed fingers to the sky after touchdowns, God answered more prayer requests for players to score than he's ever answered prayer requests to heal the sick. So, next time you're sick, trick God by saying, "Hey, God, I'm really hoping you can help me score some white blood cells so I can lead my body to healthy victory." God's a sucker for sports.
• God hates Brett Favre.
• The NFL is as popular as ever, which cynics will point to as a sign of misplaced values- more people can tell you who won the past five Super Bowls than can tell you who were the past five vice presidents. Don't worry, though. Nobody likes the losers who can name vice presidents.
• Fantasy football has you do strange things, like root for and against somebody at the same time: I needed the Colts defense to do well, but the Jaguars kicker to score lots of points against them. Must be how Tyra Banks feels about the Top Model contestants.
  

To discuss a Weekend Update: Meet Me in St. Louis, Part 2

This is the second part of my Weekend Update... See part one for reference... This summarizes my weekend trip to St. Louis.

Proceed:

Things I Learned:
* The Gateway Arch was built in the 1960s, and is thought of as a symbol to show travelers they are midway to either coast. It also serves as the last remnant of the first McDonalds for giants.... It cost $13 million to build it, $13 million St. Louis officials might have otherwise used to, say, fight crime or feed all the homeless people. Fortunately, they chose a large, steel structure that serves a limited purpose.

* The capital of Missouri is... (you don't know, do you?)... Jefferson City. I had to ask, since N.J. reporter girl and I couldn't remember our high school geography class to save our lives... which is ironic, since we were attending seminars on how students are attending failing high schools... I'd also like to thank her for throwing me under the bus after I asked the park ranger, as if N.J. had any clue. Even Jefferson City doesn't know it's the capital...Here's a test. What are the capitals of New Hampshire, Montana and Pennsylvania?*

Things I observed:
* Hundreds of high school band geeks (I say this affectionately) pouring into my hotel lobby on the eve of their national band competition. I did not ask any of the high school girls if they had done anything illicit with their flutes.

* The cockpit of airplanes, despite all our advances in technology, still looks straight out of Apollo 13, which have me worried that we wouldn't have enough moon rocks to make our landing.

* I wish they allowed photos inside the pods that take you up the Arch... Instead, imagine stepping into an egg crammed with five seats, except the inside of the egg reminds you of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory when that cowboy kid gets miniaturized. Then the egg climbs up the arch, swaying back and forth as all you can see outside the tiny window on the door is a shady, dark stairwell. It would make a great amusement park ride. I was mildly disappointed that they don't plummet you back once you reach the top... and that there were no Oompa Loompas.

And, finally, a montage of photos for Things I Saw:
* Walking through major airports is like walking through a uniform shop. People travel in the same, identifying clothes, mostly for safety- football teams, bands, businesses, groups of overtanned college girls wearing shorts with "Juicy" on the butt, and, as you see, nuns. Because even nuns can walk astray from their path.

* This is just a tiny portion of the crowd that came together outside of my hotel to hear Barack Obama speak. In all, there were a record-breaking 100,000 people who came for his rally, or about 99,980 more people than those who can name three characters still on "E.R."
All kinds of characters showed up for the rally, including, evidently, the Lord. I didn't know Jesus is a Democrat....
There He is! Except, well, Real Jesus wears sandals, not white boots, and His purpose is saving humanity, not campaigning for senators. But I'm splitting hairs.

Related note: That is not the Apostle Paul following Fake Jesus with a giant teddy bear. Just to clarify.
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* Maple Syrup, buffalo and the Steelers. Also accepted: Concord, Helena, Harrisburg.

To discuss Dairy Queen's take on Communion

Brother and I made a stop at Dairy Queen on Sunday so I could treat my intestinal tract to the Oreo Brownie Earthquake, registering 7.6 on the Amazing Scale. While waiting, we saw this disturbing cake.... Do you really want to eat a sheet cake with a Communion Cup and Bible on it? Isn't that sacrilegious? Or is this in place of Communion Bread? Cause I don't think that works. I know for sure that Jesus did not have a sheet cake at the Last Supper. If He did, Judas never would have left to betray him. Who leaves when there's a DQ sheet cake to be eaten?

A short list of terrible metaphors Brother used throughout the afternoon that made no sense and may, in fact, lead to his downfall. The exact wording has been blotted out of my mind to ward off the devil:
I like my women like I like my sausage. Pink in the middle and crispy on the outside...
I like my women like I like my Amish. Black and blue.

Such a gentleman. He has his own Ladyfriend. I hope she's not Amish. Or made of sausage.

I spent much of the afternoon doing laundry.We've been wearing clothes since Eve bit the apple, and we still haven't figured out a more efficient way to clean them than an hour-plus of washing and drying? Really? There seems to be money to be made here... but I'm sure it's not with Proctor and Gamble's latest idea...If you notice, they are repackaging the ideas of Febreze, Downy Wrinkle Release and Dry-el into an expensive, all-in-one kit that's meant to sit on your nightstand. I can't think of one woman who would come to my place, see a shiny, metallic Swash laundry kit on my nightstand and think, "Now there's a man who has his priorities in line. He's so lazy, he won't even do laundry regularly. That means more time for me... Let's make out on top of last week's clothes!"