At various times, one of us has lived in northern New York, eastern Pennsylvania, Maine, Maryland and Connecticut.
So, in recent years, we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at my brother's place, as he's the most centrally located by living in southcentral Pennsylvania. Now that I live in the same area, and yet closer to my sister and our aunt and cousin, it's been decided that Capricorn and I are hosting Christmas.
I've always wanted to host Christmas, perhaps hoping something National Lampoon-ey will happen and I'll get locked in an attic or light a cat on fire. It's all golden. Maybe I'll have Capricorn wear a revealing white blouse and grab my crotch while calling me Sparky.
While I think this will be a great time for Capricorn and I, there are potential pitfalls to hosting a family Christmas, if I am to believe holiday movies (and if I can't believe holiday movies, what am I to believe?). I take my job as Christmas host very seriously, so I thought I'd consider possible outcomes.
I will spend the next two months properly preparing for:
- My brother becoming a pot-smoking hippie and secretly falling for Capricorn, while I fall for Capricorn's (nonexistent) sister who comes in from out-of-town. Capricorn will later star in a successful Sex and the City movie.
- Getting shot in the eye by a BB gun, which will hopefully land me on Texts From Last Night: "(717): Shot my eye out with a BB gun. This is exact opposite of a money shot."
- Misplacing my town's collective savings, curiously all placed in one envelope despite the proliferation of online banking and debit cards. This will later force me to spend Christmas hallucinating about never existing at all, leading to a Wild ARS Chase-less world. Tyra Banks cries at the thought of no one writing about her show anymore.
- Cooking a Roast Beast, once I figure out where to buy one and if it causes swine flu.
- Getting left behind by my family to fend off two hapless burglars who, rather than simply barge in the door and hold me at gunpoint, spend the better part of a magical two hours falling for my childish pranks. This will require me busting out my Micro Machines and a pet tarantula-- Bailey will have to do. I'll cap it off by using my neighbor to get me off the hook, but first I'll send him a Tweet: "@scaryneighbor Totally just busted burglars balls lol. Rescue me with shovel? C u in 5 #holidays #homeinvasion."
- Throwing together an impromptu holiday musical performance for my retired army commander who now happens to run an inn with the lady who was on Sister Act. Capricorn and I will marvel at the lack of snow, unaware they have a whole TV channel dedicated to weather forecasts and an iPhone app for that.
- Cooking a Christmas goose two times the size my boy, Tim, after my boss was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Guilt Trip.
- Switching homes with Cameron Diaz, only to be forced to be hit on by Jack Black.