Tuesday, October 13, 2009

To discuss hosting Christmas

In the years since my older sister, younger brother and I have graduated high school and college, we've been spread out, far away from our parents, who live near Pittsburgh.

At various times, one of us has lived in northern New York, eastern Pennsylvania, Maine, Maryland and Connecticut.

So, in recent years, we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at my brother's place, as he's the most centrally located by living in southcentral Pennsylvania. Now that I live in the same area, and yet closer to my sister and our aunt and cousin, it's been decided that Capricorn and I are hosting Christmas.

I've always wanted to host Christmas, perhaps hoping something National Lampoon-ey will happen and I'll get locked in an attic or light a cat on fire. It's all golden. Maybe I'll have Capricorn wear a revealing white blouse and grab my crotch while calling me Sparky.

While I think this will be a great time for Capricorn and I, there are potential pitfalls to hosting a family Christmas, if I am to believe holiday movies (and if I can't believe holiday movies, what am I to believe?). I take my job as Christmas host very seriously, so I thought I'd consider possible outcomes.

I will spend the next two months properly preparing for:
  • My brother becoming a pot-smoking hippie and secretly falling for Capricorn, while I fall for Capricorn's (nonexistent) sister who comes in from out-of-town. Capricorn will later star in a successful Sex and the City movie.
  • Getting shot in the eye by a BB gun, which will hopefully land me on Texts From Last Night: "(717): Shot my eye out with a BB gun. This is exact opposite of a money shot."
  • Misplacing my town's collective savings, curiously all placed in one envelope despite the proliferation of online banking and debit cards. This will later force me to spend Christmas hallucinating about never existing at all, leading to a Wild ARS Chase-less world. Tyra Banks cries at the thought of no one writing about her show anymore.
  • Cooking a Roast Beast, once I figure out where to buy one and if it causes swine flu.
  • Getting left behind by my family to fend off two hapless burglars who, rather than simply barge in the door and hold me at gunpoint, spend the better part of a magical two hours falling for my childish pranks. This will require me busting out my Micro Machines and a pet tarantula-- Bailey will have to do. I'll cap it off by using my neighbor to get me off the hook, but first I'll send him a Tweet: "@scaryneighbor Totally just busted burglars balls lol. Rescue me with shovel? C u in 5 #holidays #homeinvasion."
  • Throwing together an impromptu holiday musical performance for my retired army commander who now happens to run an inn with the lady who was on Sister Act. Capricorn and I will marvel at the lack of snow, unaware they have a whole TV channel dedicated to weather forecasts and an iPhone app for that.
  • Cooking a Christmas goose two times the size my boy, Tim, after my boss was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Guilt Trip.
  • Switching homes with Cameron Diaz, only to be forced to be hit on by Jack Black.
Am I preparing for enough? What am I missing?


FunnyGal KAT said...

Sounds like you have it covered! And I suggest having a Wii on hand-- it kept our aunts and uncles and parents quiet and out of our hair for three hours at Easter!

LiLu said...

Oh my lord, that TFLN... HILARIOUS.

Amy xxoo said...

Clearly you need to prepare for the potential invention of magical Candy Canes that will make any and all children fly after eating them (a la "Santa Claus " with Dudley Moore ).

Also, Mr Gil and I are supposed to be hosting Christmas breakfast this year. I think, however, that the rest of my family should take into consideration that i will have a baby due 2 and half weeks from Christmas Day and there is great potential for babys wanting to come early.....

Herding Cats said...

Fabulous post!

P said...

How about having to defend the Santa Claus who works in the local dept store and who claims to be the REAL santa claus??? Can't forget that...

Anonymous said...

I think it would also be wise to prepare to have Will Ferrell show up on your doorstep dressed as a giant elf, thinking you are his Dad. Stock up on syrup and soda at the house, or alert security at your work! ;)

kisatrtle said...

I guess you don't have to worry too much about the seating arrangments but when we host we have to keep all the new spouses away from the ex spouses, but as this is just my real life I'm lacking any movie references. Good luck and may the force be with you.

Children of the 90s said...

I'm pretty sure you've got it covered. From now on, I'm going to begin referring to things as "National Lampoon-y". It's a great descriptor.

Erin said...

It sounds like you are pretty prepared. We hosted Christmas the year we moved into our house. We had my mom & step-dad, dad & step-mom, the in-laws, and various and sundry siblings and step-siblings. I think there were 21 people here. We had three dining tables. It was insanity...and also lovely.

Anonymous said...

You might be in pretty good shape... Although I suggest videotaping the extravaganza for reality show potential. I mean, you never know. It would, after all, pay better than journalism.

*~Dani~* said...

Dude, The Family Stone is the BEST holiday movie. I didn't even have to go to IMDB to know exactly what you are talking about. However, I need your Christmas to involve Capricorn getting smacked in the head with the kitchen door while getting out the stratta (sp?) as you are chasing your brother from room to room, only to have the kitchen table collapse on you.

Christmas. Good times.

*I would like to say that I have seen The Family Stone 1,000,056 times and still laugh hystericallly as if I had never seen it every time.

**Yes, I used footnotes in a comment.

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