To discuss a very Merry Christmas, and a Christmas miracle request

Is there a better version of "The Christmas Carol" than the Muppet version? Is there? I'm not even so sure that's up for debate. George C. Scott gets jealous in his pants when he thinks of this movie (in his grave, no less).
Anyway, a Merry Christmas to all of my readers. Thanks for your hundreds of comments and thousands of visits this year. I hope you checked out my Christmas gift to you, a remake of "Christmas Shoes."

And I hope you can check out a worthy cause, the Smile Train. My friends are trying to raise $500 to perform a couple cleft lip/palate repairs for little kids; they are more than halfway to the goal.

C'mon, who doesn't want to support that? What are you, a terrorist? You can donate via PayPal right on the site. If you do donate, I'll write a guest post for you about anything you want.

Don't make me get Sarah McLachlan to start singing "Angels" in the background. I'll freaking do it. I'LL DO IT!

To discuss a list of songs I just downloaded on iTunes, including holiday classics and ... a Gossip Girl?

On Saturday night, after a day of shoveling a foot of snow (needless to say, a foot of snow and chihuahuas don't mix... sorry, Bailey), I decided to hit up iTunes.
Usually, when I'm adding a song on iTunes, I have something specific in mind. It could be the latest Eminem song, or a holiday song, or Leighton Meester's debut singleohcrapdidtheyhearmesaythatofcoursetheydidandyitsablognotapodcastdummy.

This time, I got a little random. Consider:
50 Cent: I Get Money; In Da Club
Explanation: I just saw "Get Rich or Die Tryin," which should be retitled "Get Bored or Die Trying to Copy 8 Mile." Terrible movie. 50 Cent enunciates with all the veracity of a 15-year-old lisper with braces. But his music is as catchy as herpes at a kissing booth.

Metric: Gold Girls Guns
Explanation: Such a memorable chorus line: "All the gold, and the girls, and the guns, in the world, couldn't get you off." It should be Viagra's next theme song.

Phoenix: Lisztomania
Explanation: Little known fact- Phoenix has a song that's better than the one currently being whored out on commercials.

Leighton Meester: Somebody to Love
Explanation: Capricorn loves this song, and we usually use my iPod. I reminded her that I do as much singing in this song as Leighton does, but Capricorn loves it anyway. It's kinda catchy. And Robin Thicke is in it, so that's a bonus.

And then I downloaded the last round of holiday tunes for the year. Every holiday season, I add a few more songs to my stable of Christmas music, always looking for new stuff.*

* New stuff can never, ever include any crappy remake of what was once a very good song. I'm looking at you, Ashley Tisdale's "Last Christmas."

Here's what made the cut this year; some of these songs I have loved for a long time but only got around to adding them now.

Bob Rivers: 12 Pains of Christmas
Explanation: I'm not big on spoof Christmas songs, but the second day of Christmas guy rigging the lights gets me every time. "Why the hell are they all blinking!?!"

Choir of King's College: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen; Coventry Carol; Away in a Manger
Harry Simeone Chorale: Little Drummer Boy
Explanation: I am a sucker for choir music, being that I miss being in a choir. In particular, I love the Vienna Boys Choir, but feel I need to mix in adult choirs to lessen the suspicion of Megan's Law watchdogs.

Ray Charles: That Spirit of Christmas
Explanation: I've heard thing song a million times in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" (one of the best Christmas movies of all time, let's just get that out of the way). Only now did I put 2 and 2 together and figure out this Ray Charles song is the one in the movie. Duh.

James Taylor: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
Explanation: Although I love this version, I debated getting this, as I worried that would be an admittance that I am now closer to my 30s than my 20s, as what other reason would I have for listening to James Taylor. But screw it.

Side note: I have five versions of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." They are the defining versions and must all be adored, as it is the law in several states and the Republic of Congo.
The artists are: Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Judy Garland, James Taylor and Mel Torme. Case closed.

As a bonus Christmas gift, here's a list of 2o-plus songs that constitute what I call my "Holiday Soft" mix. No loud or electronically-driven music allowed (again, Ashley Tisdale, shut your mouth before I shove mistletoe down it with my Piper's Piping.) Although there's a duplication of some songs, each is done in a unique way so that it's a different experience; that's exactly the opposite effect of watching a Home Alone sequel. Please play these by the fireside while opening presents or worshiping baby Jesus or berating relatives. Even when you're drinking eggnog, using your tears to wash it down, this can be a nice mix.
For those interested, many of these songs can be found in my "Holiday Slow" iMix for download (it didn't let me include all of them).

1. Bing Crosby: White Christmas
2. Bing Crosby: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
3. Boyz II Men: Silent Night
4. Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack: Christmas Time Is Here
5. Choir of King's College: Coventry Carol
6. Dan Fogelberg: Same Auld Lang Syne
7. David Bowie/Bing Crosby: Peace On Earth/Little Drummer Boy
8. Frank Sinatra: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
9. Frank Sinatra: I'll Be Home for Christmas
10. Harry Simeone Chorale: Little Drummer Boy
11. Home Alone Soundtrack: O Holy Night
12. Home Alone Soundtrack: Star of Bethlehem
13. James Taylor: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
14. Nat King Cole: The Christmas Song
15. NSync: O Holy Night
16. Judy Garland: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
17. Ray Charles: That Spirit of Christmas
18. Sara Bareilles: Winter Song
19. Mel Torme: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas
20. Sarah McLachlan: Silent Night
21. Trans Siberian Orchestra: Pachebel Christmas Canon
22. Vienna Boys Choir: We Three Kings
23. Vienna Boys Choir: What Child Is This

To discuss Feliz Navidad 2009: Hola, Santa!

I can hardly believe it's been a year since Capricorn and I first celebrated Feliz Navidad, our Christmas decorating/Mexican food fiesta.

Just like last year, we had our first snowfall of the year, coincidentally, on Feliz Navidad. I think that means God was in agreeance. Or that God was crying and it happened to be cold out. Either way.

There are several key ingredients to a good Feliz Navidad:

1) Christmas decorating
2) Mexican food
3) Holiday movies
4) Chihuahuas
5) Immigrants*

* Optional

Well, we all know I've got more chihuahuas around here than I know what to do with, so that's done. For Mexican food this time, we went with tacos. Whoever (Whomever? Ah, who ((whom?)) cares?) came up with the idea to wrap spicy beef in a corn flour shell is a genius.

On to the holiday movies. This is where it gets tricky. We watched Home Alone last year, so that was out, and let's not even talk about the sequels. We also recently watched The Santa Clause 2 (the first one is Capricorn's favorite Christmas movie).

So, based on what was available, we had some old classics, some new favorites, some awful Lifetime-y crap and some holiday movies that should have never been made. Example, according to the Comcast description:

"Santa's Slay": "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He's actually Satan's son, who lost a bet and has had to spend the last thousand years giving gifts and being nixw. But this Christmas, the thousand years is up. Starring WWE star Bill Goldberg."

We passed on this one, even though Amazon users gave it four out of five stars, just a half-star less than "It's a Wonderful Life."

We decided to go with The Family Stone, a vastly underrated Christmas movie. It does have Sarah Jessica Parker in it, but it also has Claire Danes, Rachel McAdams and Diane Keaton, so it's a wash.

As per Feliz Navidad tradition, I put the Spanish subtitles on, but foreign languages are annoying after a minute or two (let's just be honest). I switched it to the commentary with SJP and co-star Dermot Mulroney, who somehow gets leading man status in multiple films despite a first name that makes him sound like Kermit's closet boyfriend.

Now on to the decorating. As I tightly wound the last bit of a string of blue lights around the center of our fake tree, Capricorn asked if I had tested them out first. No, I responded, since they had worked for three years.

Ten minutes later, we were at Wal-mart, buying blue lights that actually worked.

I then had to unwrap and then rewrap the lights, as Capricorn baked Christmas tree sugar cookies. Have you ever thought about how silly it is we put lights on a giant indoor plant to celebrate the birth of Jesus (aside from the fact we decorate trees out of an old pagan tradition)? Wouldn't it make more sense for families to go out and buy a crib each year to decorate? Or breastfeed each oth ... I mean, yeah, Christmas tree decorating it is!

Oh, and just in case you remembered, I busted out my door decoration again this year. If you recall, my mom made this last year, and it won first prize for best holiday door decoration. Here's hoping for two years in a row. I'm like the Yankees of doors, except not as expensive or douchey.

Merry Feliz Navidad to you and your illegal immigrants.

To discuss Christmas songs, Fa la la la la, la la la already?

I was quick to write Thanksgiving a letter last week to apologize for Christmas stealing the proverbial holiday thunder.

At the same time, I should confess I've been singing Christmas music for a week now. Before you throw flaming crosses and ninja stars at me, let me explain.

No, it's not because the motherf&*@$# GAP decided it's the holiday shopping season.* It's because I'm singing in a trio now, and we're got a holiday program coming up. Unlike the Bayside Choir, we can't simply just ask Tori Spelling to guest star and hide a malfunctioning boom box beneath the risers. We've got to practice.

For my solos so far, I'll be doing "I'll Be Home for Christmas," "The Christmas Song," and possibly "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" or "Christmas Time Is Here." I've also got a bunch of duets to practice, from "White Christmas" to "Silent Night."

And I'm also doing the David Bowie part in the Bing Crosby duet, "Peace on Earth"; my partner doesn't agree with me she should smoke a pipe and say things like "Yes, that's swell," or "Get back here boy before I beat you with my belt." I guess she's not as committed as I am... I was planning to dress like Ziggy Stardust.

Not considered, because it's the devil's music: "Christmas Shoes."

So I've been listening to Christmas music in my car as preparation. And that brings me to the new poll. What Christmas song played a month or more in advance would make you feel like murdering someone?

For instance, if someone played "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" in a grocery store right now, I'd amputate my arm and beat a baby senseless with it. But if I heard "Carol of the Bells" from the Home Alone soundtrack, I'd be in the holiday spirit and may even donate to the Salvation Army.**

So take a minute and vote in the poll on the right side. And a Merry November to you and yours.

* Capricorn loves this non-holiday GAP commercial with Juliette Lewis. I prefer the "Fall Into the Gap" years.


** Dear Salvation Army: When you put an ATM swipe machine on top of your kettle, you will get a donation from me. Until then, stop making me feel guilty for your lack of technology, just because I don't carry cash. I haven't carried cash in five years. I am considering putting a competing, ATM-ready kettle beside yours, with a sign saying "Donations Go to Support Child Molesters In Need." And I'd still blow you out of the water.

To discuss it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

Dear Thanksgiving:

On behalf of jag-offs everywhere, I apologize. I haven't seen this much thunder stolen since Urkel joined "Family Matters" and Carl Winslow became an afterthought.

Once Halloween is over, it's no secret marketers and businesses want to remind us it's the holidays. Commercials tell us to shop now for Christmas before it's too late. In reality, it's too late on Dec. 26. It's not too late Dec. 24.

But the commercials aren't a big deal, and to be expected. I can even look past Jim Carrey's "Christmas Carol" movie coming out last weekend, hoping without cause it could be better than Muppet Christmas Carol.

What's not to be expected is for people to jump the gun and start decorating for Christmas now, before anyone has carved a turkey, watched Al Roker flag down parade floats or watched the Detroit Lions in their annual Thanksgiving Day loss.

On Friday, I was driving down an autumn foliage covered road. Fall was in the air (and likely H1N1, but that doesn't have pretty leaves).

And then what to my wondering eyes did appear, but an inflatable Santa Claus, lights and general Christmas regalia spread all over the side of a house and lawn, inviting me to have a Merry Christmas.

Full holiday decorations. Nov. 5.

And then yesterday, Thanksgiving, you remember what happened? I drove through a town that had jack-o-lanterns decaying gracefully on doorsteps, hoping to scare off children one last time with the threat of a bacterial infection. I saw brown banners on light posts adorned with leaves. I had football on the radio, and leaves falling from the trees. It was fall in all its splendor.

Except for the garland and Christmas bells hanging throughout the town.

So, Thanksgiving, it seems once again you are the redheaded stepchild of holidays. You are a mere formality to Black Friday, a roadbump to Christmas morn.

Sorry about your loss. Maybe next year, try adding gift-giving to your holiday's list of traditions, right after the turkey feast. Steal the thunder right back from Jesus. He already gets two holidays a year, anyway.

Sincerely,
Wild ARS Chase

To discuss hosting Christmas

In the years since my older sister, younger brother and I have graduated high school and college, we've been spread out, far away from our parents, who live near Pittsburgh.

At various times, one of us has lived in northern New York, eastern Pennsylvania, Maine, Maryland and Connecticut.

So, in recent years, we've had Thanksgiving and Christmas celebrations at my brother's place, as he's the most centrally located by living in southcentral Pennsylvania. Now that I live in the same area, and yet closer to my sister and our aunt and cousin, it's been decided that Capricorn and I are hosting Christmas.

I've always wanted to host Christmas, perhaps hoping something National Lampoon-ey will happen and I'll get locked in an attic or light a cat on fire. It's all golden. Maybe I'll have Capricorn wear a revealing white blouse and grab my crotch while calling me Sparky.

While I think this will be a great time for Capricorn and I, there are potential pitfalls to hosting a family Christmas, if I am to believe holiday movies (and if I can't believe holiday movies, what am I to believe?). I take my job as Christmas host very seriously, so I thought I'd consider possible outcomes.

I will spend the next two months properly preparing for:

• My brother becoming a pot-smoking hippie and secretly falling for Capricorn, while I fall for Capricorn's (nonexistent) sister who comes in from out-of-town. Capricorn will later star in a successful Sex and the City movie.
  
• Getting shot in the eye by a BB gun, which will hopefully land me on Texts From Last Night: "(717): Shot my eye out with a BB gun. This is exact opposite of a money shot."
  
• Misplacing my town's collective savings, curiously all placed in one envelope despite the proliferation of online banking and debit cards. This will later force me to spend Christmas hallucinating about never existing at all, leading to a Wild ARS Chase-less world. Tyra Banks cries at the thought of no one writing about her show anymore.
• Cooking a Roast Beast, once I figure out where to buy one and if it causes swine flu.
  
• Getting left behind by my family to fend off two hapless burglars who, rather than simply barge in the door and hold me at gunpoint, spend the better part of a magical two hours falling for my childish pranks. This will require me busting out my Micro Machines and a pet tarantula-- Bailey will have to do. I'll cap it off by using my neighbor to get me off the hook, but first I'll send him a Tweet: "@scaryneighbor Totally just busted burglars balls lol. Rescue me with shovel? C u in 5 #holidays #homeinvasion."
• Throwing together an impromptu holiday musical performance for my retired army commander who now happens to run an inn with the lady who was on Sister Act. Capricorn and I will marvel at the lack of snow, unaware they have a whole TV channel dedicated to weather forecasts and an iPhone app for that.
  
• Cooking a Christmas goose two times the size my boy, Tim, after my boss was visited by the Ghost of Christmas Guilt Trip.
  
• Switching homes with Cameron Diaz, only to be forced to be hit on by Jack Black.
  

Am I preparing for enough? What am I missing?

To discuss a month in review: December Means Little (Choir) Boys Are On My Mind

December is finally over. I'm almost as sick of all the holiday stuff as you are, so let's get right to it: A review of December, when baby Jesus was born, or at least allegedly born, if you're not big on historical accuracy and all that sort of thing.

• Favorite movie: "American Beauty" What? Andy, you just saw this? Why, yes, yes I did. Capricorn couldn't believe it, either. I had no idea what this was about other than Mena Suvari being naked in rose petals. Turns out, this is a very funny movie. Plus, I finally understand the whole floating plastic bag and kid dressed in black thing from Not Another Teen Movie.
• Least favorite movie: "Iron Man" Sure, Robert Downey Jr. is good here, but people were making this out to be the next addition to the Bible or something. It's not as good as other superhero movies-- I didn't care about the villain, and there were plot holes. That, and the end was anticlimactic... Runner Up: "We Own the Night"- Eva Mendes being topless in the first two minutes shouldn't be the highlight of the film. But it did give me another excuse to bust out this Mark Wahlberg photo. Say hey to your mother for me, alright?
  
• Favorite song: "O Holy Night" Home Alone soundtrack, sung by a children's choir. I wish I could quit you, Home Alone soundtrack, but John Williams has me wrapped around his finger. Runner up: "Christmas Time Is Here," Charlie Brown Christmas Soundtrack.
  
• Least favorite song: I think we all know.
  
• Favorite album: I can't get enough Kings of Leon "Only by the Night." It was enough to make me listen to another rock band consistently not named Radiohead, and that's saying something, considering I hope to have Thom Yorke's love child one day. I wonder if Thom's into skinny Americans... or dudes?
  
• Best TV Show: "Big Love" This HBO show practically made me want to enter into polygamy. Hey, if it was good enough for Abraham, Moses and Bill Paxton, then it's good enough for... wait, what's that? I'd have to remember multiple anniversaries, deal with multiple PMS weeks and buy more gifts? Eh, screw it. Runner up: "Testees" and "Big Bang Theory"
  
• Worst TV show: "Bromance" But, because you asked for it, I'll keep up the play-by-plays. I'm that kind of guy.
  
• Best moments: Spending my first Christmas with Capricorn, getting third place in my fantasy football league, seeing all my family in one place without a funeral involved.
  
• Worst moments: Every second I heard Bailey cry out in pain like a drunken yodeler. That, and the ensuing vet bill that made my rent payment more of an "if" rather than a "when."
  
• Best decision: Buying most Christmas presents right after Thanksgiving, so I didn't have to rush around all December.
  
• Worst decision: Putting off getting Capricorn's dad a Christmas present until Christmas Eve.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Me: Another good round of co-blogs, including one with Joshlos and two with Katie, plus my thoughts on Cosmo.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Anna Lefler's "Brace Yourself Kid" post on strange children's toys. And anything on Fail Blog.
  
• A few tops of 2008: Top New Artist I Discovered: Adele... Top Album: Radiohead, "In Rainbows"... Top TV Show- "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and "The Office"... Top New TV Show I Discovered- "Big Love," and "The Cosby Show" (Yeah, I never watched it before)... Top Movie- "No Country for Old Men"(saw it in '08) and "Dark Knight"... Top Song- "Creator" Santogold and "Sex on Fire" Kings of Leon

Like that list? Well, how about this: I'm handing out the first ever Wild ARS awards on Tuesday, so you better get yourself ready. The categories are plentiful, and while not everyone will go home a winner, I've linked the crap out of it, so at least you'll find some other blogs better to read than this one.

To discuss a Weekend Christmas Update, Question Style

1. It was Christmas morning, and I was driving around looking for chicken cordon bleu.
Was it because I:
a) Get pregnancy cravings
b) Needed to find a last-second dish to bring to Christmas dinner, and they were already out of roast beast and Christmas goose
c) Wanted to get an inside joke gift for Capricorn's dad, but the grocery store closed earlier than expected Christmas Eve, leaving me gift-less

2. I took Bailey to the vet on Saturday. When we got into the the exam room, Bailey:
a) Found a plush toy and humped it like he was trying to repopulate the earth with Muppets.
b) Let loose a stream of pee that soon became the sixth Great Lake, and then proceeded to stand in said yellow lake for dramatic effect.
c) Performed a soliloquy out of Macbeth

3. Capricorn and I went on a double-date on Saturday to see a live comedy show. The comedian joked that I probably have four chest hairs (only three, actually) and that Capricorn should:
a) Dump me for someone who doesn't like alcoholic beverages that require umbrellas and fruit
b) Go on Paris Hilton's My New BFF
c) Shove a Pepsi bottle in my ass because I'm probably into that

4. My family and Capricorn got me awesome presents for Christmas. I got a sweet DSLR camera that will enhance my ability to photograph strangers as they undress take walks in the park. Some other gifts are:
a) An electric shaver, a Griswold Family Christmas t-shirt and a gift certificate that my dad lost last year before Christmas and finally gave to me now.
b) The Hills on DVD, a Big Wheels, an animated blow-up doll, and your mom
c) Paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute, a hippo, my two front teeth, and your sister

5. There is another co-blog coming up Wednesday and Thursday, following up last week's Top 10 Sports Movie List with Joshlos. This time, Katie and I will write about:
a) Why any subsequent Batman sequel will just be a letdown unless one of the actors dies right before it opens, and how we think we can make this happen.
b) Why girls are silly if they wear booty shorts with "Juicy" on the butt and a low-cut shirt and then are mad that boys only want them for their bodies.
c) Our resolutions for the New Year, and our predictions for 2009, celebrity style.

Answer Key:
1. B: For a month, I had wanted to get her dad this gift, which is related to an inside joke about her mom never cooking him this dish. There was a frozen box of prepared chicken cordon bleu at the store that would've been perfect and sure to get laughs. The store closed early, and I had to go the gift card route. But he has a birthday in January, so I'll do it then.
2. B: The vet never blinked. She kept asking questions. And thanks for all the well wishes for Bailey. He'd thank you himself, but he's such a diva.
3. C: That show renewed my interest in doing improv or stand-up comedy someday.
4. A: I have a family full of good gift-giving. And if you're wondering, Capricorn got a Joe Flacco Baltimore Ravens jersey (exactly what she asked for... I had to special order it in the women's style), a DVD of Charlie Brown Christmas (which she absolutely loves to watch), and gold gloves, which she had been trying to find in stores for months.
5. C: And with Katie on board, it's sure to be hilarious.

---------------------
There was a tie for first place in my Favorite Christmas Movie poll, so I'll run a special poll to break the tie, through the rest of the week. Get those votes in for Love Actually or Elf (really? None of the classics won?)

To discuss a camera, a healthy dog and a reference to the Holocaust

I'll be giving you the big Weekend/Holiday Update soon, but in the meantime, what kind of sweet presents did you get? I'm showing you some of the results of one of mine, a new Nikon DSLR camera (I'm overcompensating with digital imagery the way some guys overcompensate with large Ford trucks with plastic testicles hanging off the trailer hitch). Included is a shot of Capricorn's cat, whose eyes remind me of Uma Thurman for some reason, and a shot of Capricorn and her chihuahua, Leo, who is giving her more tongue than an overzealous prom date.
I got some other sweet gifts and photos I'll share soon.


Bailey is finally doing (somewhat) better. I had to take him to the vet again on Saturday, and they gave him three more kinds of medications, getting him on par with Amy Winehouse, minus the beehive hair and Motown sound. He's got some kind of back issue, but at least now he's walking around some after spending most of last week hiding under my bed like a canine Anne Frank, minus the Nazi persecution. For his two vet visits last week, he cost me about $50 per pound. He weighs 10 pounds. In related news, I'm wondering if goldfish would be a more economical option, if not somewhat less easy to cuddle with at night.

So, tell me all about your present giving and getting, while I recover from the past few days.
And, for the love of sports, please check out the Top 10 (Plus 2) list Joshlos and I put together for Christmas Eve, as I know many of you are behind on blogging.

To discuss a Merry Christmas

Short, simple and to the point: Merry Christmas, everyone.

To discuss a reader poll full of Christmas spirit and Hollywood glamour

Raise your hand if you're working every weekday but Christmas this week.
(Anyone? Anyone? Just myself and a few other saps? Thought so.)

Anyway, I appreciated all the responses for my latest poll, "When do you normally put up your holiday decorations?" Evidently, a majority of you had lights blazing at the start of December. A small percentage of you are blithely unaware Christmas is this Thursday and are wondering why the neighbors are complaining about your rotting jack-o-lantern. And six of you are drunks.

Here are the officials results of the last poll, for you Google readers:
Before Thanksgiving, because I'm an overachiever: 10 (15%)
The start of December, so as not to appear too Scrooge-ish: 26 (41%)
Just before Santa arrives with gift cards for Best Buy/Victoria's Secret/Gynecologist: 5 (7%)
Decorations? You're lucky I buy gifts:11 (17%)
I still have Halloween pumpkins rotting outside: 5 (7%)
If by "decorate" you mean drink away my holiday sorrows, then I answer "October": 6 (9%)

For the new poll, lasting only through Christmas Day (Happy Hannukah to my Jewish friends, but you already know that this is a Christmas world), the focus is on your favorite Christmas movie. The options will be extensive.
I'll debate the merits of each option soon, but I wanted to get the poll up in the meantime. No complaining about what's left off, especially if it's a CBS holiday special (If one of you says "The Christmas Shoes" movie should be on there, I will burn your house down like I'm Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez. I swear to almighty God.)
This will require you to actually visit my site, Google readers. Consider it your holiday gift to me. That, and a $100 check made out to "Andy Shaw."

Merry Christmas!

Update: I had to re-post the poll to allow multiple selections. Feel free to vote again. I tried to set all the vote tallies as they were before I took the poll down.

To discuss how my mom has already locked up Top Mom honors, one door at a time

Let's face the facts.

My mom is better than your mom.

Not in loving you, not in being there for you, not in telling you it'll be fine after you fake eloped in Mexico with some d-bag with a flesh-colored beard.(Spencer continues to be the worst person on the planet. Strict Shenaniganist agrees).

Yeah, my mom doesn't know you, so she couldn't possibly be better than your mom at those things.

But there's no way your mom would do this for you:

That's right. An entire holiday door decoration, made from scratch. I mentioned to my mom during her Thanksgiving visit that there's a holiday door decorating contest at my apartment complex. Without another word from me, she said, "OK, so what are we going to do?" That very night, we got fabric and she started to assemble this masterpiece, all from the inspiration of this caroler:

If you look closely, you can see that she used a photo of my face for the carolers face.

I don't see Carol Brady pulling that off. Or Vivian Banks. Or Ellen Griswold. Even Capricorn's mom, who folded my manpants and constantly offers me food, wouldn't dare attempt this.
It's a fact. My mom has already sewn up (get it?) the Mom of the Year award.

Now all I have to do is buy her a Christmas present.

To discuss how nobody's dead mother needs Jimmy Choos

I love Christmas songs. I do. I could go on and on about "Peace on Earth" with Ziggy Stardust and Bing Crosby, or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with Dorothy...

Some of the kitschy songs about animated wildlife can get on my nerves, but I can understand why children like them (Wal-mart and McDonalds told them to). But there's one song I can't stand.

The Christmas Shoes song.

It is horrible. If you like that song, I'm sorry to tell you that is sucks, because it does (unless there's a sentimental value, and then that's understandable. You might want to skip this post. Or tell me I'm a terrible Grinch-esque person. Either option would be acceptable).

The entire song is about some kid trying to buy shoes he can't afford before his mom dies... Happy Holidays! Nothing gets those holiday spirits kicking like a kid talking about his near-dead mom. Christmas shoes? That's even worse than a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
And did you know this song is based on a movie of the same name?!? If it's not enough of a Christmas downer to sing about it, let's make a feature length film starring Rob Lowe and that daughter from Father of the Bride.

In case you're not convinced, I've taken the liberty of interpreting the lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time,
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two,
Not really in the Christmas mood.
ARS: That's understandable. Christmas shopping can be horrendous, even deadly. But shame on you for waiting until the last second to buy those two gifts. Do you really think you're going to win the wife over with that blender? And let's not even discuss that see-through lacy negligee you bought her. It lights up and has tassels.

Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing round like little boys do,
ARS: He probably has to pee, dude. Watch out.

And in his hands, he held a pair of shoes.
And his clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe,
ARS: Like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown?" Was he animated and thought your voice sounded like "Waah, wa waah waah waah"?

And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.
ARS: That's called eavesdropping.

Chorus:
Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
ARS: If shoe shopping was as easy as a woman just finding the right size, you wouldn't see so many husbands slumped over in chairs while their wives try on an aisle's worth of stilettos. Make sure you pick out ones that don't give her cankles. Perhaps something with an open toe.

Could you hurry, Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while;
Know these shoes will make her smile.
ARS: I appreciate the sentiment, kid. I do. But she'd be just as happy getting one of those plastic rings or gumballs or a pack of pencils or whatever else they sell at your elementary school Secret Santa shop. Let's not go overboard here. You're going to show up all of your friends, who are now going to feel like crap for giving their moms a coloring book and Juicy Fruit.

Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Just a point of reference, man- Jesus spent most of His time taking everyone's shoes off and washing them, not putting them on. So, a nice foot bath would do the trick. Or a Bible.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said "There's not enough here."
ARS: That's probably because the cashier didn't want to deal with all of those pennies.

He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me.
ARS: And thought, "I bet you I can convince this schmuck to buy me these shoes, plus some of those awesome shoes with the wheels in them."
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me, Sir, what am I gonna do?
Somehow I've got to buy these Christmas shoes!
ARS: You just know the kid picked out some Manolo Blahniks. It's not even a question.
So I laid the money down;
I just had to help him out.
And Ill never forget the look on his face
When he said Mommas gonna look so great!
ARS: This is so sugary sweet I'm going into a diabetic Christmas coma.

Chorus

I knew that I got a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out.
ARS: (With my wallet)
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.
ARS: Yes, because God, the compassionate, loving God, decided that to make a point, He'd give this kid's mom a terrible disease to teach some guy about the meaning of Christmas. I'm pretty sure God could've just showed him "It's a Wonderful Life" and called it a day.

Chorus in childrens voices
ARS: Oh, good. Children singing. As if this wasn't already a tear-jerker, let's get little kids singing about their mommies.
Young boy:
I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Now, who's ready to open presents?

To discuss making Capricorn uber-legal to date

I haven't mentioned the lovely Capricorn much lately, but that's because I'm trying to avoid being one of "those" guys. Quick note: Capricorn is not her real name- I have disappointed several people so far by telling them this fact about my girlfriend.

But I did think you'd all enjoy this photo montage, chronicling a morning of shenanigans at the Motor Vehicle Administration in Maryland (or, what we in PA call the DMV), plus a trip to Target.
It also lets me do this in advance, since I'm still in St. Louis listening to "Country Grammar." Shimmy shimmy cocoa what to you, Nelly.... So this is a way to keep the posts coming...

Capricorn has had a problem for months trying to get the Social Security Administration to get her birth year correct, so that her driver's license doesn't list her as three years younger than she actually is...Earlier last week, they finally corrected it, which means she could get her license corrected and stop posing as an 18-year-old.

We started the day at 9 a.m. at the MVA. Capricorn dressed up for the occasion, which we dubbed the second 21st birthday of the year for her- on her first 21st birthday, she couldn't go out to bars because her ID was wrong. No, there will be no tales of drinking for this 21st birthday-- as if you don't have enough drinking stories on your own-- but nevertheless, she was very excited.... We get in line, which, when dealing with a government office, could mean the end of your life...And then Cuts McCutteron, pictured above, decides to just waltz by everyone and move to the front, showing little remorse. I could only hope they revoked his license for being old.

Next, Capricorn had to talk to the MVA official, as I waited in the nearby seating area. It was fairly empty, as far as MVAs go, but there were still some gems: A boy, I'd say about 13-years-old, taking his learner's permit test...An elderly woman, I'd say 246-years-old, renewing her license, which when she first got it was called a "Stagecoach Permit"... And, as Capricorn signed paperwork, pictured below, I listened to the woman in the next cubicle do a horrific job on her vision test. How do I know this? Because the MVA official had a look of disgust and horror on her face as the woman spouted off letters and symbols like a dyslexic illiterate (I did have something else inserted here, but my Australian readers said I likely have offended an entire nation- so I apologize).... Oh, and she got her license, too. Excellent.
Capricorn was the most excited I've ever seen her when she finally got her corrected license, which will now allow her to get into bars (even though she's not a big drinker) and will let her boyfriend feel more comfortable that he's not dating a teenager. He thinks.

Next, we took a trip to Target. Because, hey, it's Target... It also led to this:














Our children will be beautiful.

Not to be outdone, Target holiday-ed the crap out of their store, putting scores of Halloween decorations out, right next to this:

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a Happy Thanksgiving.