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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

To discuss a remake of Christmas Shoes for those who hate Christmas Shoes

Ed. note: I've made no secret of my disdain for "Christmas Shoes," which sucks the sap out of the sappiest Christmas sap there is. Good God, it makes you want to claw your eyes out. As a pre-Christmas gift to you, I thought I'd rewrite the song to something more listenable. Inspired, as most things are in life, by the "Real Housewives" series on Bravo, I present to you "Housewives' Boobs."
Side note
: "
My Beautiful Mommy," pictured on right, is an actual book explaining plastic surgery to little kids. What better visual reference for my remake!


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To sing along, play the YouTube clip at the bottom or click here.

The Housewives' Boobs lyrics

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Trying' to buy a tummy tuck or two, not really in the diet mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy looking, anxiously
At some implants, paired two by two
And in his hands he held a pair of boobs

And his clothes were hip and new, he was a tan and well-dressed dude
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what what I heard him say

Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know a boob job would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

He picked a cup size with a doctor in here
The plastics doc said, "You'll need a brassiere"
He racked his brain frantically
Then he turned and looked at me
He said Mama loves Housewives at our house
She tried to audition, but they threw her out
Tell me Sir, what is she going to do,
Trying to get on Bravo without fake boobs?

So I took my bra off, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
A dude wearing bras? That's, uh, great.

Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs will up her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know fake boobs would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of Housewives once
And saw how fake it was about
I knew you can't get on that Housewives show
Without having your girls pushed up and out

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know fake boobs would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

-------------------

The Christmas Shoes lyrics
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Repeat Chorus

11 comments:

RainbowEclipse said...

I agree with you regarding the Christmas shoes song --- the remake is ridiculous (I think I mean that as a compliment, somehow...)

And just a note: I can't participate in your poll seeing as "Santa, Baby" is the song that makes me dread Christmas playlists..... It isn't on the list, but I have no qualms with Miley, so you left me no option there.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Bravo! (ha!) Much, MUCH better than the terrible, horrible, horrendous, no good, very bad original. Yours is a song I would happily add to my Christmas playlist!

My only complaint... now I can't get the stupid tune out of my head. Thanks a lot.

Herding Cats said...

Awesome. Just awesome. Hate the original song. Love the new one!

kisatrtle said...

Your remake kicks ASS. I hate that Christmas Shoes song!

Jeremy said...

Not 10 minutes ago I was expressing my disdain for that song, then I saw your blog posting. Your new version is so much better.

Andy said...

Rainbow- Santa Baby is dreadful, but I won't forgive your liking of Miley. Coal for you.
KAT- Um, sorry?
Herding- A new holiday tradition
Kisa- Does anyone like that song, btw?
Jeremy- It's the least I could do.

Amy xxoo said...

I have blessed enough never to have heard the " Christmas Shoes " song - thank god for living on the worlds biggest island and being isolated from all that schmaltz!

Your lyrics tho? Your one disturbed dude Andy Shaw.
P.S I left an award for you on my blog...

*~Dani~* said...

Flippin' brilliant.

Julie said...

You may try this herbal candy, which is pretty popular in asia~~
It works well on my sore throat!
ninjiom.50webs.com

BeckEye said...

Classic.

Also, I'd like to buy some Asian candy, for my grandma, please. She's dying tonight and Jesus told her he won't let her into heaven without it.

gracie-mel said...

genius!

Also, make sure you bring that Asian candy to dinner tomorrow. Clearly it is a must have...

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