To discuss a remake of Christmas Shoes for those who hate Christmas Shoes

Ed. note: I've made no secret of my disdain for "Christmas Shoes," which sucks the sap out of the sappiest Christmas sap there is. Good God, it makes you want to claw your eyes out. As a pre-Christmas gift to you, I thought I'd rewrite the song to something more listenable. Inspired, as most things are in life, by the "Real Housewives" series on Bravo, I present to you "Housewives' Boobs."
Side note: "My Beautiful Mommy," pictured on right, is an actual book explaining plastic surgery to little kids. What better visual reference for my remake!


----------------------
To sing along, play the YouTube clip at the bottom or click here.

The Housewives' Boobs lyrics

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Trying' to buy a tummy tuck or two, not really in the diet mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy looking, anxiously
At some implants, paired two by two
And in his hands he held a pair of boobs

And his clothes were hip and new, he was a tan and well-dressed dude
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what what I heard him say

Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know a boob job would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

He picked a cup size with a doctor in here
The plastics doc said, "You'll need a brassiere"
He racked his brain frantically
Then he turned and looked at me
He said Mama loves Housewives at our house
She tried to audition, but they threw her out
Tell me Sir, what is she going to do,
Trying to get on Bravo without fake boobs?

So I took my bra off, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
A dude wearing bras? That's, uh, great.

Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs will up her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know fake boobs would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of Housewives once
And saw how fake it was about
I knew you can't get on that Housewives show
Without having your girls pushed up and out

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these boobs, for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve, and these boobs are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy said he'll get a rise
You see, she's been flat for quite a while
And I know fake boobs would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful when Mama sees "Housewives" tonight

-------------------

The Christmas Shoes lyrics
It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line
Tryin' to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously
Pacing 'round like little boys do
And in his hands he held a pair of shoes

His clothes were worn and old, he was dirty from head to toe
And when it came his time to pay
I couldn't believe what I heard him say

Chorus:
Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here"
He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do,
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out
I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry, sir, Daddy says there's not much time
You see she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes would make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight

Bridge:
I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out
I knew that God had sent that little boy
To remind me just what Christmas is all about

Repeat Chorus

To discuss a reader poll full of Christmas spirit and Hollywood glamour

Raise your hand if you're working every weekday but Christmas this week.
(Anyone? Anyone? Just myself and a few other saps? Thought so.)

Anyway, I appreciated all the responses for my latest poll, "When do you normally put up your holiday decorations?" Evidently, a majority of you had lights blazing at the start of December. A small percentage of you are blithely unaware Christmas is this Thursday and are wondering why the neighbors are complaining about your rotting jack-o-lantern. And six of you are drunks.

Here are the officials results of the last poll, for you Google readers:
Before Thanksgiving, because I'm an overachiever: 10 (15%)
The start of December, so as not to appear too Scrooge-ish: 26 (41%)
Just before Santa arrives with gift cards for Best Buy/Victoria's Secret/Gynecologist: 5 (7%)
Decorations? You're lucky I buy gifts:11 (17%)
I still have Halloween pumpkins rotting outside: 5 (7%)
If by "decorate" you mean drink away my holiday sorrows, then I answer "October": 6 (9%)

For the new poll, lasting only through Christmas Day (Happy Hannukah to my Jewish friends, but you already know that this is a Christmas world), the focus is on your favorite Christmas movie. The options will be extensive.
I'll debate the merits of each option soon, but I wanted to get the poll up in the meantime. No complaining about what's left off, especially if it's a CBS holiday special (If one of you says "The Christmas Shoes" movie should be on there, I will burn your house down like I'm Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez. I swear to almighty God.)
This will require you to actually visit my site, Google readers. Consider it your holiday gift to me. That, and a $100 check made out to "Andy Shaw."

Merry Christmas!

Update: I had to re-post the poll to allow multiple selections. Feel free to vote again. I tried to set all the vote tallies as they were before I took the poll down.

To discuss how nobody's dead mother needs Jimmy Choos

I love Christmas songs. I do. I could go on and on about "Peace on Earth" with Ziggy Stardust and Bing Crosby, or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with Dorothy...

Some of the kitschy songs about animated wildlife can get on my nerves, but I can understand why children like them (Wal-mart and McDonalds told them to). But there's one song I can't stand.

The Christmas Shoes song.

It is horrible. If you like that song, I'm sorry to tell you that is sucks, because it does (unless there's a sentimental value, and then that's understandable. You might want to skip this post. Or tell me I'm a terrible Grinch-esque person. Either option would be acceptable).

The entire song is about some kid trying to buy shoes he can't afford before his mom dies... Happy Holidays! Nothing gets those holiday spirits kicking like a kid talking about his near-dead mom. Christmas shoes? That's even worse than a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
And did you know this song is based on a movie of the same name?!? If it's not enough of a Christmas downer to sing about it, let's make a feature length film starring Rob Lowe and that daughter from Father of the Bride.

In case you're not convinced, I've taken the liberty of interpreting the lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time,
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two,
Not really in the Christmas mood.
ARS: That's understandable. Christmas shopping can be horrendous, even deadly. But shame on you for waiting until the last second to buy those two gifts. Do you really think you're going to win the wife over with that blender? And let's not even discuss that see-through lacy negligee you bought her. It lights up and has tassels.

Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing round like little boys do,
ARS: He probably has to pee, dude. Watch out.

And in his hands, he held a pair of shoes.
And his clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe,
ARS: Like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown?" Was he animated and thought your voice sounded like "Waah, wa waah waah waah"?

And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.
ARS: That's called eavesdropping.

Chorus:
Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
ARS: If shoe shopping was as easy as a woman just finding the right size, you wouldn't see so many husbands slumped over in chairs while their wives try on an aisle's worth of stilettos. Make sure you pick out ones that don't give her cankles. Perhaps something with an open toe.

Could you hurry, Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while;
Know these shoes will make her smile.
ARS: I appreciate the sentiment, kid. I do. But she'd be just as happy getting one of those plastic rings or gumballs or a pack of pencils or whatever else they sell at your elementary school Secret Santa shop. Let's not go overboard here. You're going to show up all of your friends, who are now going to feel like crap for giving their moms a coloring book and Juicy Fruit.

Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Just a point of reference, man- Jesus spent most of His time taking everyone's shoes off and washing them, not putting them on. So, a nice foot bath would do the trick. Or a Bible.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said "There's not enough here."
ARS: That's probably because the cashier didn't want to deal with all of those pennies.

He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me.
ARS: And thought, "I bet you I can convince this schmuck to buy me these shoes, plus some of those awesome shoes with the wheels in them."
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me, Sir, what am I gonna do?
Somehow I've got to buy these Christmas shoes!
ARS: You just know the kid picked out some Manolo Blahniks. It's not even a question.
So I laid the money down;
I just had to help him out.
And Ill never forget the look on his face
When he said Mommas gonna look so great!
ARS: This is so sugary sweet I'm going into a diabetic Christmas coma.

Chorus

I knew that I got a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out.
ARS: (With my wallet)
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.
ARS: Yes, because God, the compassionate, loving God, decided that to make a point, He'd give this kid's mom a terrible disease to teach some guy about the meaning of Christmas. I'm pretty sure God could've just showed him "It's a Wonderful Life" and called it a day.

Chorus in childrens voices
ARS: Oh, good. Children singing. As if this wasn't already a tear-jerker, let's get little kids singing about their mommies.
Young boy:
I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Now, who's ready to open presents?