Monday, December 15, 2008

To discuss how nobody's dead mother needs Jimmy Choos

I love Christmas songs. I do. I could go on and on about "Peace on Earth" with Ziggy Stardust and Bing Crosby, or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with Dorothy...

Some of the kitschy songs about animated wildlife can get on my nerves, but I can understand why children like them (Wal-mart and McDonalds told them to). But there's one song I can't stand.

The Christmas Shoes song.

It is horrible. If you like that song, I'm sorry to tell you that is sucks, because it does (unless there's a sentimental value, and then that's understandable. You might want to skip this post. Or tell me I'm a terrible Grinch-esque person. Either option would be acceptable).

The entire song is about some kid trying to buy shoes he can't afford before his mom dies... Happy Holidays! Nothing gets those holiday spirits kicking like a kid talking about his near-dead mom. Christmas shoes? That's even worse than a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
And did you know this song is based on a movie of the same name?!? If it's not enough of a Christmas downer to sing about it, let's make a feature length film starring Rob Lowe and that daughter from Father of the Bride.

In case you're not convinced, I've taken the liberty of interpreting the lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time,
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two,
Not really in the Christmas mood.
ARS: That's understandable. Christmas shopping can be horrendous, even deadly. But shame on you for waiting until the last second to buy those two gifts. Do you really think you're going to win the wife over with that blender? And let's not even discuss that see-through lacy negligee you bought her. It lights up and has tassels.

Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing round like little boys do,
ARS: He probably has to pee, dude. Watch out.

And in his hands, he held a pair of shoes.
And his clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe,
ARS: Like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown?" Was he animated and thought your voice sounded like "Waah, wa waah waah waah"?

And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.
ARS: That's called eavesdropping.

Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
ARS: If shoe shopping was as easy as a woman just finding the right size, you wouldn't see so many husbands slumped over in chairs while their wives try on an aisle's worth of stilettos. Make sure you pick out ones that don't give her cankles. Perhaps something with an open toe.

Could you hurry, Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while;
Know these shoes will make her smile.
ARS: I appreciate the sentiment, kid. I do. But she'd be just as happy getting one of those plastic rings or gumballs or a pack of pencils or whatever else they sell at your elementary school Secret Santa shop. Let's not go overboard here. You're going to show up all of your friends, who are now going to feel like crap for giving their moms a coloring book and Juicy Fruit.

Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Just a point of reference, man- Jesus spent most of His time taking everyone's shoes off and washing them, not putting them on. So, a nice foot bath would do the trick. Or a Bible.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said "There's not enough here."
ARS: That's probably because the cashier didn't want to deal with all of those pennies.

He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me.
ARS: And thought, "I bet you I can convince this schmuck to buy me these shoes, plus some of those awesome shoes with the wheels in them."
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me, Sir, what am I gonna do?
Somehow I've got to buy these Christmas shoes!
ARS: You just know the kid picked out some Manolo Blahniks. It's not even a question.
So I laid the money down;
I just had to help him out.
And Ill never forget the look on his face
When he said Mommas gonna look so great!
ARS: This is so sugary sweet I'm going into a diabetic Christmas coma.


I knew that I got a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out.
ARS: (With my wallet)
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.
ARS: Yes, because God, the compassionate, loving God, decided that to make a point, He'd give this kid's mom a terrible disease to teach some guy about the meaning of Christmas. I'm pretty sure God could've just showed him "It's a Wonderful Life" and called it a day.

Chorus in childrens voices
ARS: Oh, good. Children singing. As if this wasn't already a tear-jerker, let's get little kids singing about their mommies.
Young boy:
I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Now, who's ready to open presents?


Áine Caitríona said...

Oh God. This song makes me wish for the sweet, cold embrace of Death.

Yesterday my roommate was listening to it (she's one of Those Girls, the kind who wear Uggs and think G8 is a kind of vitamin water) and I actually shut my door and cranked Joy Divison. I was, however, still wrapping presents.

Few things get me in the Christmas mood like "Isolation".

FunnyGal KAT said...

I was going to post about this song today, too! It came on the radio last night while I was in the car with the PH and I started laughing (I know, I'm a terrible person for laughing about some lady dying...) I couldn't stop because, despite bajillions of people claiming it's their favorite Christmas song (really? THAT'S the song you like better than all the others? Even "O Holy Night" and "The First Noel" and all the other classics?), it's just SO CHEESY.

I always laugh at songs where people are singing about mundane things in detail... "I couldn't find my wallet, it must be in the couch. I tore my house apart looking for my money pouch. I finally found it there, under the easy chair, and now I can go to Dunkin Donuts and buy giftcards for the mailman and paper delivery boy..."

Heather said...

I am totally with you on this one. My mother LOVES this song and it absolutely drives me nuts. I mean, not to sound insensitive, but if she's dying, what good are the shoes. Really? Will she ever get to walk in them? Probably not. Be like the other kids and stick to the coloring book and Juicy Fruit. Always a good selection.

Rachel said...

So did this guy actually confirm the mom was dying or did he just get scammed????

Jest said...

I've never heard this song. And I don't think I ever want to!!

Kellie said...

I have never heard this song. Thank God. It sounds awful.

Liz said...

There is nothing like the cynacism of Christmas... I love it!

I'm a Grinch... a Scrooge...

And this song is morbid...

But hey, merry Christmas!

Diane said...

Oh God, every time I hear that song, I want to stick white hot pokers in my ears. Ryan and I change the words... to really rude ones. We do it with that hideous "Jesus Take the Wheel" song, too. My sister-in-law (the awful one) said I'm going to Hell for that. I told her to save me a seat.

What? I AM a good mother. Honest!

SouthernBelle said...

Oh no, that is dreadful. I've never heard it but your "recap" made me throw up in my mouth a little.

I think that song makes Baby Jesus cry.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Your version is WAY cheerier. Especially bringing the mom Juicy Fruit! HA!

scargosun said...

I am SOOO there with you on this one.

Mel said...

Oh good - I'm glad I'm not the only cynical person out there that hates this song! It's so manipulative. Like you can't figure out how to feel about this time of year for yourself so they're going to try to wring every bit of sappy emotion out of you. If they were shoes with shoestrings, how much you wanna bet they ended up slung over some electrical wire somewhere?

The Logarithmic Spiral said...

My roommate and I hate this song, ESPECIALLY the little children singing part. It makes me want to blow a hole throught the radio. That one "My Grown Up Christmas List."

However, I must say that I still crank Mariah Carey "All I Want for Christmas is You" and George Michael "Last Christmas." Don't be a hater.

Anonymous said...

Nice. Way to FJM a Christmas song that needed to be FJM'd.

Amy xxoo said...

Ok, I've never heard this song before - perhaps the isolation of Australia protects me from its sentimental sap.

However, only having read the lyrics, i know for certain that i dont like it.

Andy said...

Aine- Your roommate sounds like such fun! (shakes head)
KAT- Were you listening to Delilah? That's when I heard it.
Heather- You know she'll just toss them in the back of the closet because she has nothing to wear with them.
Rachel- He's just guessing, I bet.
Jest- Save your ears. Don't listen.
Kellie- You're blessed.
Liz- Christmas brings out the worst in us.
Diane- I think you should blog about the Jesus Take the Wheel song.
Belle- He did cry. One, solid tear.
Muffy- One of the better gums out there. And I don't even like gum.
Scargo- I think we should all bah humbug this song.
Mel- That's how every good drug dealer gets their start- Christmas shoes.
Spiral- I'm all about MC's song. And Capricorn loves "Last Christmas."
Josh- It had to be done. I'm sure I offended half of my church.
Amy- I know for certain you wouldn't.

sj said...


i heard this song last week for the first time this season, and realized why i don't listen to the radio.

this is just one of a few that i cannot tolerate. also on the list: grandma got ran over by a reindeer (this is worse this year for me because my gramma died. so it's like. shut it. and back the @#% off, rudolph), dominic the donkey -- i can't even think of it. don't get me started. because then it will be in my head and i'll be forced to stab myself with a pencil.

TishTash said...

I think it's guh-reat. It's the perfect blend of the holiday spirit, materialism, and death. What more could you ask for in a Christmas song?

Hey does sarcasm translate on the page?

*~Dani~* said...

At first, I had no idea what song you were talking about but as I read the lyrics, sadly it came back to me in full force.

I wish I could go back to the time when I had no idea what song you were talking about.

Those were the days...

Anonymous said...

I heard this song for the first time last Christmas and probably shouldn't have been surprised that it made it's way onto a major radio station, but I was.

tracie said...

I just want to know if you pulled "Manolo Blahniks" out of your subjectively straight mind, or if you Googled it first?

Erin said...

I'm glad you hate this just as much as I do. My roommate in university played it from mid-October on repeat. It made me wish my ears would spontaneously combust, and it takes a lot to make me wish that.

kisatrtle said...

I agree with Aine..that song does make you wish for the sweet, cold embrace of Death

BeckEye said...

Yeah...that song sounds like one of those crappy email forwards that never die, that are supposed to tell you how precious life is. Ugh.

Andy said...

SJ- What about that I want a hippo song? Awfullll
Tishtash- It translate into me laughing.
Dani- Those WERE the days.
Haute- It's like a disease that won't go away. I blame it on al Qaida
Tracie- Only had to double-check the spelling. Yep. That's right. P.S. Chicks are hot.
Erin- That sounds painful... and appropriate
Kisa- That's the song they play in hell. That and Eddie Murphy songs.
Beck- An e-mail forward come to life. Exactly

LBluca77 said...

I am so not into Christmas songs. They all are annoying, especially when you have to hear them at the stores starting November 1st.

~Sheila~ said...

That was cute!

I loved this part:

And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.
ARS: That's called eavesdropping.

Cracked me up!

JenBun said...

You ARE the Grinch!!! (And all the rest of you, too!)

I heard this song for the first time last year, and I started crying in my car! It's so sad! Then I played it for Funny Man last week, and he AGREES with me!

(But it's totally not my favorite...)

He just wants his... dying Mama... to look beautiful... after all she's done for him...


RainbowEclipse said...

gee, thanks --- now this stupid song is stuck in my head....


my word-ver is "cranti" --- sounds like a crotch-disease...

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