Thursday, January 14, 2010

To discuss a trip to the eye doctor, in which he got a feel for my eyeballs

I am blessed in my family to not have a genetic history of cancer or other terrible diseases.
There is a history, however, of Alzheimers, which either I don't have yet or I don't remember that I have it. The only thing I have to worry about in the immediate future is vision problems, as there's a history of glaucoma, astigmatisms and generally having the vision of Mr. Magoo. That makes annual trips to the eye doctor necessary.

I finally went today, after procrastinating for months (another New Year's resolution accomplished... I still have hire Miranda Kerr as my maid, however).

There's a reason people with perfectly good insurance put off going to the eye doctor or the dentist: You are paying other people to point out your inadequacies. Yes, thanks, I know I should floss more. How about I shove the spit sucker in your mouth and see how you like it?

At the eye doctor, you spend an hour hoping to correctly identify fuzzy letters, having things put in your eyes, and being generally reminded it's not safe for you to be around sharp objects and babies. Plus, they scrutinize your eyecare routine.

Question: "How often do you change your contacts?"
Answer: "Every two weeks."
Honest answer: "Crap, you're supposed to change them?"

The eye chart, in particular, is God's way of weeding out the weak, an optical survival of the fittest. You can't see from far away, zebra? Shebamzee! You just got eaten by a motherf***** tiger who snuck up on you. Next time you'll wear your contacts, won't you, silly zebra?

I fully believe opticians* secretly laugh at patients who are crazy far off on the eye chart guesses: "You think that's an O? That's a G! You're a loser and will never feel the touch of a woman!"
* I had optometrist here, but AmyXXOO, who is in this field, pointed out optician is the right word. She's so smart

Why not at least make the charts enjoyable to read?

(Answer: Boobies is a fun word to say, right?)

I am always a bit scared of this device, which makes me look like a mechanical Ewok.

After successfully completing a battery of tests -- everyone gets a body cavity search at the eye doctor, of course... *awkward pause* -- it was time to pick out new frames. I decided not to opt for the Disney Princess look, as I don't need 7-year-old girls being jealous of my Jasmine frames.

Instead, I went with the plastic frame trend. I figured there's still a good 2-3 weeks before that trend is over, so I still have time. I settled on a pair of Ted Baker dark brown frames with a light blue interior, a truly non-traditional choice that is either going to make me look awesome or make me the next selection on "What Not to Eyewear."

Hey, I wanted to make a bold choice. The glasses guy said too many people say they want to change things up, and then back off and go with the safe option. I'm a trendsetter! That's what I'll keep telling myself! Why am I using so many exclamation points!

If you have any eye doctor horror stories, please share...


Anonymous said...

Parallel universe! I JUST picked up my brown plastic frames yesterday. I have a crappy vision plan so they're off-brand.

Did you have to get your eyes dilated? That is the worst part, that yellow goo. Makes my eyeballs feel like Judge Doom's when he gets Dipped.

Andy said...

Alexis- No, actually they have a new machine that takes a photo of the retina; I had to pay a little extra, but no dilated pupil drops. Much better.

Sam_I_am said...

I love to go to the eye doctor, because my eye doctor is nice to look at. Ironically, he takes my contacts away right away and I can't see him for most of the appointment, because I'm blind. So blind that I'm jealous of bats. At least they have sonar. (my contacts are -6.5 and -7. Also, your eye chart confused me, bc I started trying to correct the grammer before I read it all. :-P

Andy said...

Sam- I used to have a hot eye doctor lady years ago and had the same problem (I'm -5.25 btw)And I believe my grammar is correct, since the noun is "word," and "boobies" is the object. But, hey, I have "boobies" in a sentence, so who cares...

Diane said...

My eye doctor has supremely bad breath. It makes my eyes water. Which makes him think I have overactive tear ducts. One day I'm going to pass out and he'll have to call 911 and I'll probably wake up in the hospital with my tear ducts removed or something. When really? All he needs is a mint.

DSS said...

I like guys who wear glasses. I think it's handsome. I went to the eyedoctor to get some for myself, even though I'm a girl, because I thought it might have the same type of effect.

People called me Sarah Palin. My glasses haven't left their case since.

Heather said...

Oooh, love the new frames!

I, too, always put off a visit to the eye doctor. I HATE IT. "Which looks better? 1 or 2? A or B?" Hell, I don't know! They're all fuzzy! I get it, I'm blind. Now give me some new contacts, dammit!

Ok. Sorry. Let me calm back down now...

Long story short - being blind sucks. My contacts are a -7.75. SO basically, I have to go to the eye doctor. Or run into walls.

Heather said...

Oooh, and one more thing. I changed eye doctors recently and the guy cracks me up. Most eye doctors just nod and say "Uh hmm" when you read the chart. Not the new guy. He congratulates you for getting one right. "Oh, yes. Very good." It makes me feel like a 4 year old learning to read. I wanna say, "DUDE. I know my alphabet and can read perfectly fine when it doesn't look like I'm trying to see through parchment paper."

K. Sorry for the long comments. Can you tell you touched a nerve?

P said...

I HATE going to the opticians. HATE It. So I haven't been since 2001. They didn't stop sending me contacts through the post until approximately three months ago. I then worked out I could buy them online anyway elsewhere.

I hate the stupid contraption they put on your face, I HATE that feeling of not being able to see anything when they ask what the letters are (I was -4.25 at last test and I'm pretty sure my eyesight is worse now, so I can barely see ANYTHING!), AND i hate when they ask you "which of these is clearer?" because I'm never really sure what the answer is!

Really like those glasses by the way. I appreciate glasses on other people, even though I hate them on myself.

Amy xxoo said...

Do i have any eye doctor stories? I practically am an eye doctor! ( ok, no, not quiet... i'm only a dispensing optician ). A few things:

1. Eye doctors are called either optometrists or opthalmologists if they are trained for surgery;
2. The ewok looking thing is called a refractor head
3. And your glasses look hot.

Trust my professional opinion - thick dark plastic frames are in, and staying in for while. Why else would have my own pair ( reminiscent of Clark Kent himself ) ?

kimmers said...

Dude, I change my contact lenses when they reach a point where they have so many little tears on the edges that it becomes impossible to blink without extreme discomfort. And not a minute before.

(Would it freak you out if I said the lens currently in my left eye was overdue to be changed BEFORE CHRISTMAS? I say, if it ain't broke, I can't afford to replace it yet.)

My big issue with contacts is that I wait until I'm x weeks overdue to change them to even ORDER new ones. Which I then repeatedly forget to pick up.

Oh, and I totally have almost exactly the same glasses as you. Except I'm trendier, cause I got them a year ago. Although, I never wear them out of the house if I can manage it... so maybe not so trendy.

kimmers said...

Omg HEATHER!! -7.75?! Damn, I thought I was blind at -5.5!! As it is I can barely walk around the house without my contacts in.

At least now I know I can still wear contacts for a while if my eyes keep getting worse! So thanks for that. :)

stealthnerd said...

Oh I've got a story for you. When I was in 7th grade my mom finally OK'd it for me to get contact lenses. My normal doc wasn't in so I saw the other doc, his wife, instead. She suggested hard lenses. (This was where the trouble started). She went to put the lenses in my eye which would have hurt anyway b/c hard lenses are a bitch but was made even worse by the fact that she JABBED ME IN THE EYE WITH HER SUPER LONG ACRYLIC NAILS!!! Why would you have acrylics if your occupation is sticking your fingers in people's eyes?! Needless to say I spent 30 minutes in the waiting room crying and asking for them to please just TAKE THE LENSES OUT and did not get lenses for another 6 months.

Also, I totally dig your new frames.

Libby said...

I got told I have the corneas of a 70 year old by my eye doctor. Nothing beats that!

Jess said...

I like the new frames!!

When I was in high school, I used to get really bad headaches, so I went to the optometrist to see what was up. Turned out I needed glasses, which was fine. Then, he told me that I apparently had no peripheral vision. I wasn't allowed to drive and I had to go back for a series of many, many tests over the course of an excruciatingly long afternoon. At the end of it all, the eye doctor says to me: "Oh, I guess we must have made a mistake. Turns out you do have peripheral vision." Since I hadn't already told him that, based on the fact that I..you know..could very much see out of the side of my eyes.

Herding Cats said...

I have good vision, but I'm the type that secretly covets glasses. My boyfriend wants to kill me, but I think they look hot!

jen - tsk said...

I'm so glad, at the moment, I have good vision!! (Obviously this may change if I have the good fortune to get old and stuff). I'm also glad to have not bee to the eye-doctor-lady as I'm concerned at the thought of having a cavity search!! *shudders*

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

perfect vision for a perfect girl. Jealous? Although those jasmine frames have my name on them.

kisatrtle said...

I can't believe the BIG PUFF OF AIR didn't get an honorable mention. I mean that machine inflicts terror!

As for a horror not if have a weird vein in my right eye that looks like a huge cluster of broken blood vessels and everytime I'm at the eye doctors they always want to show it to all of their collegues.

It's my crazy eye and it makes me famous....LOL

Anonymous said...

I have no interesting stories, but I find it funny - you know, sort of, but not actually funny - that I just went to the eye doctor yesterday.

And she didn't ask if I actually change my contacts every two weeks (I don't), probably because my year supply somehow lasted 18 months... Oops?

Anonymous said...

I have appointments with the eye doctor AND the dentist next Monday. Unfortunately I can't get them out of the way at the same time. Fortunately, however, I won't be getting them out of the way at the same time, as that may end up resulting in my eyes receiving fillings, and being told my teeth need glasses.

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