I am blessed in my family to not have a genetic history of cancer or other terrible diseases.
There is a history, however, of Alzheimers, which either I don't have yet or I don't remember that I have it. The only thing I have to worry about in the immediate future is vision problems, as there's a history of glaucoma, astigmatisms and generally having the vision of Mr. Magoo. That makes annual trips to the eye doctor necessary.
I finally went today, after procrastinating for months (another New Year's resolution accomplished... I still have hire Miranda Kerr as my maid, however).
There's a reason people with perfectly good insurance put off going to the eye doctor or the dentist: You are paying other people to point out your inadequacies. Yes, thanks, I know I should floss more. How about I shove the spit sucker in your mouth and see how you like it?
At the eye doctor, you spend an hour hoping to correctly identify fuzzy letters, having things put in your eyes, and being generally reminded it's not safe for you to be around sharp objects and babies. Plus, they scrutinize your eyecare routine.
Question: "How often do you change your contacts?"
Answer: "Every two weeks."
Honest answer: "Crap, you're supposed to change them?"
The eye chart, in particular, is God's way of weeding out the weak, an optical survival of the fittest. You can't see from far away, zebra? Shebamzee! You just got eaten by a motherf***** tiger who snuck up on you. Next time you'll wear your contacts, won't you, silly zebra?
I fully believe opticians* secretly laugh at patients who are crazy far off on the eye chart guesses: "You think that's an O? That's a G! You're a loser and will never feel the touch of a woman!"
* I had optometrist here, but AmyXXOO, who is in this field, pointed out optician is the right word. She's so smart
Why not at least make the charts enjoyable to read?
(Answer: Boobies is a fun word to say, right?)
I am always a bit scared of this device, which makes me look like a mechanical Ewok.
After successfully completing a battery of tests -- everyone gets a body cavity search at the eye doctor, of course... *awkward pause* -- it was time to pick out new frames. I decided not to opt for the Disney Princess look, as I don't need 7-year-old girls being jealous of my Jasmine frames.
Instead, I went with the plastic frame trend. I figured there's still a good 2-3 weeks before that trend is over, so I still have time. I settled on a pair of Ted Baker dark brown frames with a light blue interior, a truly non-traditional choice that is either going to make me look awesome or make me the next selection on "What Not to Eyewear."
Hey, I wanted to make a bold choice. The glasses guy said too many people say they want to change things up, and then back off and go with the safe option. I'm a trendsetter! That's what I'll keep telling myself! Why am I using so many exclamation points!
If you have any eye doctor horror stories, please share...
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