Here are my observations from a night of watching the 2010 Golden Globe awards with Capricorn. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners (at bottom):
- Billy Butler is the homeless man's Ryan Seacrest, only the homeless man is also a talentless hack.
- A lavish award show seems kind of silly when you think about what's going on in Haiti, even though I'm sure we'll spend tonight hearing endless acceptance speeches about how it's an honor to win, but let's think about Haiti. Katrina was so five years ago. It's not like some of those people are still homeless or destitute or something.
- Already like Ricky Gervais ... except he stole all my jokes for the night. At least he didn't steal my Angelina Jol... ah, c'mon!
- I'll already say this: All the Glee nominees are going to annoy me, especially Lea Michele. As Toni Collette wins for Best Actress in a TV Comedy, I'm glad to see producers still haven't figured out how to arrange the tables so that winners have to play Frogger to get to the front.
- How can I get the job of walking the actresses up the steps to the stage? You spend the entire night holding the arm of beautiful women and getting on TV. Not a fun job: Mavis Spencer's presenter role, which evidently including standing around and looking clueless. The last time I saw a beautiful women look that unprepared and awkward stage, she was talking about "opposite marriage."
- The Princess and the Frog's animation looks like VHS in a Blu-ray world.
- Felicity Huffman can't remember her lines. At least she's not a professional actress.
- Time for Best Actor in a TV Drama. Michael C. Hall has a beanie. Jon Hamm has a beard. Bill Paxton has three wives. Hall wins, and the beanie is because he has Hodgkin's lymphoma. What's Hamm's beard excuse?
- January Jones wasn't nominated for her stint as an SNL host? But it went so well! "Who watches this #%&?" Capricorn wonders, as Anna Paquin is passed over for Juliana Margulies. Capricorn, now bitter that nobody we like is winning, has an idea. "We should have our own awards show. Only shows we watch are included. We don't get Showtime so none of them are nominated." According to this method, Jersey Shore and House Hunters would win a boatload.
- WTF, Harrison Ford? Heavy breathing. Awkward pacing. Weird glances. Bad jokes. Capricorn: "I feel like I'm going to get raped."
- "That was my beautiful girlfriend that I aspire to be like," Capricorn said after seeing a glimpse of Kate Winslet. Um, I think I just got dumped.
- It's to the point that Cher looks like a drag queen playing Cher.
- I imagine during commercial breaks there are all these famous actresses, like Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren, vying for a bathroom stall, and some random girl who snuck in, like Tara Reid, is hogging the toilet and trying not to get kicked out.
- Meryl Streep wins Best Actress in a Comedy, as Capricorn points out Sharon Stone, who said Meryl looks like "an unmade bed," wasn't winning any Golden Globes lately. Of course, Meryl's acceptance speech is three times as long as the Up guys, but you don't hear them bust out the "stop talking" music on her. I think that's against the unwritten rules.
- Side note: Capricorn has been singing "Cinema Italiano" from "Nine" over and over this entire time.
- Gerard Butler: "It's an honor for us to present this award together." Jennifer Aniston: "*pause*... Yep, it is." If that wasn't a one-night stand gone wrong awkwardness, I don't know what is ... District 9, which I loved, doesn't win Best Screenplay; Up in the Air wins. Capricorn says we better watch all of these random movies before the Oscars, as she remembers we were making fun of "Slumdog Millionaire" last year when it won. Good point. We better watch "The Ugly Truth."
- Steve Carell never wins for "The Office," even though he's nominated every year. Maybe that's why every time they call his name, he looks like he's going to cry.
- Cutting short the foreign language film director winner- that's ethnic intimidation, Golden Globe people.
- Big Love loses to Mad Men for best TV Series Drama. When will America start to embrace polygamy? ... Wait, they just did! Chloë Sevigny wins for Best Supporting Actress... I mean Chloi Sevigny, according to the graphic. Did she become a Japanese fish and not tell anyone? Or wasn't she satisfied with her umlaut?
- Martin Scorsese wins the Cecil B DeMille Award for his cameo appearance in Season 3 of Curb Your Enthusiasm. Oh, and for his movies. He thanks everyone for spending time and money "to preserve film." Was there some mass conspiracy to eliminate all movies that I missed? "Hey, it's the original copy of Wizard of Oz. Let's use it as a Frisbee."
- I was under the mistaken impression "The Hurt Locker" was about the time Slater punched a locker after he heard Preppy asked out Kelly to the prom first.
- I haven't seen "Avatar." I have no idea what it's about, except that the visuals are amazing and the storyline is mediocre. Which is the same thing you can say about porn. But, hey, James Cameron, good for you. Now you can afford a haircut and stop looking like the after-dinner entertainment for a luau.
- Glee beats out Capricorn's and my preference for Best Comedy, Modern Family (I would have been cool with Entourage, 30 Rock or The Office, too). Well, at least I won't have to endure #gleegotrobbed as a trending topic on Twitter all day Monday.
- Not going to be nominated next year: "When In Rome." Sorry, Kristen Bell.
- I hope Mike Tyson punches James Cameron in the face sometime tonight. Who wouldn't watch that? I'm very glad The Hangover won, but I think it's disgraceful they didn't invite the tiger on stage to accept the award.
- I think they should choose category winners by who will give good acceptance speeches. So, Sandra Bullock/Robert Downey Jr., yes, James Cameron/Drew Barrymore, no. Drunk Mickey Rourke gets a lifetime pass.
- Avatar wins the top honor of the night, as it should, considering it made enough money to save Haiti all on its own. (Hey, James Cameron wore a ribbon. Let's not go overboard with this charity stuff.) So nice of him to ask famous actors to applaud for themselves for entertaining people. Hey, with that in mind, how about all you bloggers give yourselves a big round of applause for entertaining each other. But don't actually applaud. Cause that's weird.
Best Supporting Actress, Movie: Mo'Nique, Precious
Best Actress, TV Comedy Series/Miniseries: Toni Collette, United States of Tara
Best Supporting Actor, TV Series: John Lithgow, Dexter
Best Animated Feature: Up
Best Actor, TV Drama: Michael C Hall, Dexter
Best Actress, TV Drama: Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife
Best Original Song: "The Weary Kind", Crazy Heart
Best Original Score: Up
Best Mini-Series/TV Movie: Grey Gardens
Best Actress in a Movie Comedy: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
Best Actor, TV Miniseries or Movie: Kevin Bacon, Taking Chance
Best Actress, TV Miniseries or Movie: Drew Barrymore
Best Screenplay: Up In the Air writers
Best Actor, TV Comedy/Musical: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Best Foreign Language Film: The White Ribbon
Best TV Series Drama: Mad Men
Best Supporting Actress, TV: Chloë Sevigny
Best Supporting Actor, Movie: Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Cecil B. DeMille Award: Martin Scorsese
Best Director, Movie: James Cameron
Best TV Series, Comedy/Musical: Glee
Best Comedy/Musical Movie: The Hangover
Best Actress, Movie Drama: Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side
Best Actor, Movie Comedy: Robert Downey Jr., Sherlock Holmes
Best Actor, Movie Drama: Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
Best Movie, Drama: Avatar