To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom season finale

Jersey Shore wrapped up last week.

Teen Mom is wrapping up this week.

What in the world am I supposed to do next week? I already watched The Pregnancy Pact. I guess I'll get by, somehow. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it. Baby recap: Leah- Amber/Gary; Carly- Catelynn/Tyler; Bentley- Maci/Deadbeat Ryan; Sophia-Farrah/Her mom. Let's get all Teen Mom up in this piece. It's the extended-length season finale.

:01 Leah can now say "Mama," which is adorable. And soon, she'll be able to say other frequently-heard words, like "Gary" "useless" and "domestic violence."
:04 Farrah is tired of being a single mom. I don't think she should worry, though. It's only a matter of time before Slade and Gretchen break up and he moves on to the next housewife. She could be next!
:05 Maci's friend asks what we've all been wondering: Why does she keep going back to Ryan? There's a long awkward pause, before Maci says it's for Baby Bentley. I'm now convinced Ryan is secretly playing subliminal messages while Maci sleeps: "You loooove Ryan. You love his chewing tobacco. And you love his inability to articulate. Stay with him no matter what."
:07 For some reason, I like Butch. And I'm not just saying that in case he reads this and decides he wants to murder me... Butch thinks Tyler is silly for wanting to propose to Catelynn. Yes, because at this point, those two kids are just in puppy love, Butch.
:08 Teen Mom Finale special with Dr. Drew? Yes, please. Amber might be pregnant, Farrah is still boyless, Ryan hates Maci, Catelynn might get to hold her baby. It's all gold. I kinda think Ryan and Farrah will hook up. Just an early prediction.
:15 Gary is crying as he talks about how he misses Amber. Is he thinking of the Amber I'm thinking of? She yells at him for breathing ... Amber is putting her GED on hold so she can have time to work and criticize Gary. I mean, there's only so much time in the day.
:23 Catelynn and Tyler again show their maturity by being happy to see photos of Carly with her adoption family. Don't they know that ruins the fun? What good is Teen Mom if people are reasonable and sane?
:33 I'll just put this out here. Leah looks like Gary.
:34 Maci says she and her mom spent about $200 on Bentley's 1st birthday party (pictured on right), not including presents. I'm turning 27 in two Saturdays, and I might not even have $200, total. Should I ask Maci to adopt me? Is that weird?
:38 Farrah takes Sophia to the zoo for more mommy/daughter time. Sophia is incredulous to this "Mommy wants to be around me" development, and demands MTV return her real mommy by the end of this episode.
:41 See, Gary and Amber have the right thought. They are going to Family Dollar for Leah's birthday party supplies. Ya see, Maci? Note that Gary, who isn't even with Amber anymore, still volunteers to help with the birthday stuff. Ya see, Ryan? Ryan? You still alive? Blink twice and mumble something if you are... OK, good.
:44 Farrah,who calls herself a MILF, and her sister are both single. I smell a spinoff show. "Date my Mommy/Auntie," with Sophia crawling to whichever boy she wants to send off on a date. And the boy must go through an interview with Farrah's mom. And, just for good measure, with Butch, too.
:45 Baby Bentley gets a Halloween birthday party. Maci dressed up as ... a naughty school girl? And Ryan dressed up as ... kind of a douche? What a strange party.
:54 We're near the hour mark, and Amber hasn't busted out crying Asian face. This is the saddest development since Kelly and Zack broke up at the prom so she could date Jeff.
1:02 Don't think for a second I'd let Farrah's mom's fur coat slip past me. Because of animal rights? No- because of fashion rights! It looked like she had a family of foxes biting her shoulders.
1:03 Hold the phone. Did Maci always have that upper lip stud in? ... It looks like Maci and Ryan are going to break up. What's next, Brad and Angelina? Oops.
1:11 There are an absurd amount of nutcrackers in Farrah's house. Take a look during the repeats. It's borderline creepy.
1:13 OK, Tyler is ridiculously sweet. And now he is going to propose to Catelynn ... just as soon as they watch a video on how to tie a necktie. "I never wore a tie in my life... 'cept 'dem snap-on ones!" Butch says. How can you not love this guy! Wait, don't answer that.
1:20 Ryan has gray hairs on his head. I know this, because he is doing his usual "look down at the ground and avoid eye contact during an argument" thing. "Can you not see that it kills me?" Maci says to Ryan about his lack of care. Ryan gives a half-hearted apology. Maci leaves. That was horrible, and I only had to watch it, not live it. Hey, at least when Bentley gets older, he can look back fondly at other parts of this episode... well, some of this episode ... well, he got a cool haircut.
1:22 Gary apologizes, and even uses the word "empathy." Amber says she's not going to run back to him like she always does, and seems more or less unmoved by his speech. I don't know who this Amber is, but I would like my old one back. Preferably the hysterically emotional one.
1:24 OK, I'll admit I almost just Asian Ambered when Tyler gave his heartfelt proposal. And, unlike Gary, he didn't get his ring at Wal-mart (with a return receipt, don't forget). He even took her to a classy restaurant. Can I marry Tyler?

So, should I do a recap of the reunion special? Let me know. And Tyler? E-mail me. XOXO.

To discuss the cable pact: Should I put Comcast up for adoption?

While watching Lifetime's "The Pregnancy Pact" on Saturday night...

... shut up, you so watched it and were all like, "OMG" and "WTF?" too. It was like Teen Mom: Pinky Swear Edition...

.... anyway, while watching the movie, one of the girls tells her friend, who just had a baby in recent months, that maybe she should consider adoption. I had never thought about the fact you don't have to give the kid up for adoption straight out of the womb, but Capricorn reminded me you can give a kid up for adoption as long as they are still a minor.

Holy crap, if I don't like my kid or he's getting too expensive, I can trade him in? Incredible news!

Speaking of which, cable TV.

(Sorry for those who wanted a teen mother post. Perhaps try this.)

I need some advice. I am strongly considering canceling my cable TV service with Comcast, aka Satan's Placenta, and switching to DirectTV. I still have to keep Comcast for the Internet, as there aren't many other, comparable options, and by comparable, I don't mean something that will harken back to the days of "You've Got Mail," "56k" and "cybering."

I'll lose the bundle package deal by leaving, although I already figured out a way to get the Internet bill lowered some to offset the difference.

I'd like to leave Comcast cable for a variety of reasons, including its jacked up cost, the fact it's a monopoly, and its so-so performance. And that it hates freedom.

Direct TV offers a sweet 1-year deal, and in the second year of the two-year contract, the price is about what I pay now with Comcast. But that includes HD and DVR services. For the first time, I could have HD, which will make it much easier to point out flaws in the Real Housewives' complexions (Zit! Wrinkle! Frigid bitch!). And I'd get a free HD DVR receiver. And a $100 debit card. And a BJ.* (* Bought with the debit card.)

But I've never used satellite before, and like all unfamiliar things, I get a little xenophobic. So, dear reader, can you tell me if you've used Direct TV, and any pluses/minuses you've experienced? If you have horror stories with cable companies or satellite companies, please share. If you have horror stories from teen pregnancy, well, you can share those, too.

For the dish installation, I'm supposed to have an unobstructed view of the southern sky, which sounds like either Jodie Foster dialogue from "Contact," or something a nerdy nerd would worry about. Since I'm a nerdy nerd, I'm wondering if I should be worried that I won't have a completely unobstructed view (partially blocked by our housing complex); several neighbors have Direct TV, albeit with better views. Maybe I should just go to their house.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is your baby daddy

You are all finally coming out of the woodwork and admitting you like Teen Mom. I know you left me high and dry during the premiere, like I was the only one who indulged in watching teenagers squabble about babies. But now, I know it, and you know it. You loves yous some Teen Mom.
Well, there's a bit of good news for you, then, which you'll find out toward the end of the show. Here we go:

:01 Amber is already yelling at Gary, this time for, uh, breathing or existing. These kids are going to make it, I just know it ... Amber has to take Leah to her job interview at the salon, and says she's great at multitasking - as she gets distracted by her baby.
:02 Baby Bentley can walk at age 1. No wonder- he's trying to escape from Ryan. Now Maci wants to put Bentley in daycare so she can get school work done. Too bad Leah and Bentley can't attend the same day care: "Fail Care: You Make 'Em, We Take 'Em"
:05 Does the camera man just sit there and film Farrah sleeping? And do you notice she sleeps with makeup on? Meanwhile, Farrah's mom comes in to choke and shove Farrah feed Sophia.
:06 Catelynn says "I wish our baby was here" every episode. New drinking game! (Other drinking games: Every time Amber yells at Gary... Every time Amber does her crying Asian face ... Every time Farrah has a date... Every time Ryan rolls his eyes)
:12 "Do you want me to slit your throat, cause I will," Maci says of Ryan. Maci, now it's on film. You have no alibi when you inevitably murder him.
:13 Air Force recruiter to Tyler, as he gestures to Catelynn: "Is this your... " Tyler: "Girlfriend." Correct answer: "Kinda my sister, but that's just semantics."
:15 Baby Leah is shirtless more than the Girls Gone Wild cast. Gary is trying to convince Amber he loves her by arguing with her. Surprisingly, she doesn't drop her pants and beg him to make sweet Gary love to her.
:21 Amber doesn't want to rely on government assistance, which is commendable. So why doesn't she just ask MTV for her own spin-off show to make money? "The Gary Gets Smacked Show"? I'd watch it. You would, too.
:25 Farrah has excuses for everything her mom blames her for. I have yet to hear her excuse about why she wears so much eyeliner.
:28 I can't believe this, but I think Ryan might have a point -- Maci didn't look like she was trying hard to pass her classes before she decided to drop out. I just agreed with Ryan. Please adjust your Mayan end-of-the-world calendars accordingly.
:29 Amber is apartment hunting, which makes me wish she and Gary would go on "House Hunters." Sample voiceover: "Gary likes House #1, because he can lock himself in the basement away from Amber, while Amber likes House #3, which has extra room for her to relax in when she feels overAsianed. What house will they choose? Who the **** knows?"
:34 Maybe Maci should sell her Fast & Furious car to have extra money for daycare.
:36 Tyler is going to give Catelynn an engagement ring ... except he's not going to propose ... so it's like a promise ring ... and he wants to be with her forever. I think that's the plan. Tyler, if you put yourself back on the dating market, you'd have more 17-year-old girls lined up than you could shake a cockeyed hat at.
:39 Gary says he's a resentful person and he doesn't want to be around Amber. That makes Amber cry. Asian face! Drink up!
:44 Farrah uses the Craigslist Omaha page! Somebody check the "Casual Encounters" page for recent activity, asap! ... Farrah has it the nicest of all the Teen Moms - paid bills, in-house babysitter - and yet says she can't stand it and wants to move out. I can kinda sorta see why Farrah's mom choked her (and shoved her in 16 and Pregnant). Doesn't make it right, but...
:48 Amber officially moved out of Casa de Gary, officially ending the War on Terror.
:49 Holy crap! Ten new girls on the new season of "16 & Pregnant," debuting next month! Like manna from heaven, except its bastard kids! P.S. Didn't those girls watch the show last year and think, "Hey, maybe I shouldn't get preggers in high school?"
:54 Tyler is picking out rings. He has $1,700 saved up. Suddenly, I'm envious of a 17-year-old who can't even grow facial hair yet.
:55 Farrah looks at apartments, and realizes how nice she has it. That's only natural, considering she was looking at a frat house and what appears to be a brothel.
:58 Amber gets the salon job as a front desk receptionist. At this point, I'm hoping for a crossover event with Tabitha's Salon Takeover.

Next week: Season finale...

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom is trying to stay out of jail

There was such a good response to last week's Teen Mom TV play-by-play, I couldn't resist doing one for this week. This show is like crack. Sweet, sweet crack. Here we go:

:02 Poor Butch got a cut across the face from fighting with his wife. Or, in other words, Tyler's dad got in a fight with Tyler's step-mom, who is Catelynn's mom. When daddy and mommy fight, Tyler and Catelynn can't really choose sides.
:03 Farrah announced she's "taking a break from dating" so she can concentrate on being a mom. Show of hands: How many people believe this will last through the season? Through the episode? Through this sentence?
:04 Maci and Ryan win the award again, as always, for most awkward situations. This time, it's for getting relationship advice from both their parents at dinner ... P.S. I'm afraid Ryan is a mute. He doesn't seem to be able to form sentences.
:10 Kudos to Amber for going for her GED, for losing weight and for busting out her sad Asian face this episode.
:14 Ryan's dad wants him to be a truck driver? Perfect! He can chew tobacco, not talk to anyone, wear hats, not be around his baby, and avoid his girlfriend. That's like his dream scenario.
:15 This is the longest Butch has been out of jail. How is it possible Tyler is so well-adjusted? Well, other than impregnating his step-sister.
:20 I will not be a patron at the Sophia and Farrah restaurant. I'd be afraid Farrah will decide mid-meal that she would rather go on a date, and make her mom cook. And that the restaurant would be called "Mom, You're Such a Bitch!"
:21 A trucker can make $900 a week, be home on weekends and, most importantly, get to pull that string to blow their horn?! I'm in the wrong profession ... that sounds great! Shebamzee! Oh wait... Ryan hates the idea. "Would you sacrifice for him?" the guy asks. "Yes," Ryan says. "Then what's the problem?" That's a very good question. My guess is he's worried they'll force him to speak two-plus syllable sentences on the CB radio.
:28 I hope this series is on long enough so that the babies are old enough to talk. I'd love to here Baby Bentley or Baby Sophia talk about life with their parents. "Get meez outta here!" "Deez people r crazzee!" (For some reason, I imagine them with crazy Russian accents)
:29 Catelynn and Tyler's baby's name is Carly, so step forward whoever won the betting pool on that one. I had $10 on "Butcharina"
:31 Amber doesn't want her kid in daycare. Yep, cause that's what would mess Leah up in her life. But Amber is going to do it anyway, since she's out of options. I have a feeling Leah would appreciate just being left alone in the house with a bottle of Courvoisier and film footage of Carly at home with her adopted parents. "What could have been, what could have been," Carly would say. Oops, I mean, "What cood huz bin..."
:38 Farrah has Sophia attached to her like a homeless, hungover kangaroo.
:40 Maci meets with her relationship counselor on her own. The counselor says Maci should think of one nice thing to do for Ryan. She should buy him a trucker hat!
:44 Leah is already flirting with another boy at daycare. Watch out, Leah. That's how Mommy got in trouble.
:51 Chances Butch will stay out of jail before the season ends = Chances Ryan will become the national poet laureate
:54 Amber, I would not leave my baby with the girl with half-cornrows. She looks like she just got out of the slammer and is somebody's bitch.
:55 Ryan's smiling? Ryan's saying complete sentences? Who is that kid? Give me back old Ryan! He was comedy gold!

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Teen Mom

You (never) asked for it! It's the TV Play by Play series, with a special post about MTV's "Teen Mom." Please tell me you've watched this show. Please. If you haven't, here's my recap of the show that started it, "16 and Pregnant."
Get ready, get set, make bad decisions. It's time to be a Teen Mom. If you hear crying on the way, don't worry. That's just your child born out of wedlock and the tears of remorse.

:02 Maci, Ryan and Maserati or Volkswagon or Bentley or whatever the kid's name is are getting a family photo. "We're not in prison here," the photographer says, as Ryan tries to telepathically tell the dude that yes, in fact, this is his prison and he is serving a lifetime daddy sentence.

:03 Amber's face looks Asian when she's in pain, when she's crying, when she's angry, when she's tired. Essentially, she's emotionally Japanese.

:04 Does Farrah not realize how good she has it? She gets to live at home, have barely any expenses, a live-in babysitter and her biggest problem is a guy named Shaq. I wish I made that last part up.

:05 The votes (of my girlfriend and I) are in: Catelynn (and Tyler) win best couple, Farrah is dumbest/sluttiest*, Maci (and Ryan) are the saddest, Amber is the funniest (although she doesn't realize it).
* If Farrah isn't 18 yet and I called her slutty, I apologize. In that case, I'll call her "ever so slightly a bit of a whore."

:09 Ryan and Maci are the most depressing couple to watch. Ryan has all the facial expression of Heidi Montag, and all the charm of Spencer Pratt ... Ryan has been moping around since he lost his job. But, in all honesty, Ryan would mope if they canceled his favorite TV show ... which is probably "Cops."

:11 Capricorn on the Catelynn/Tyler step-sister/step-brother situation: "It's Cruel Intentions!" Why didn't I think of that? I just hope Catelynn doesn't tell Tyler he can stick it anywhere.

:13 "Nobody cares to hear what you have to say," Farrah tells her dad, who happens to be paying for her kid's food and shelter. Way to rape a gift horse in the butt (or something to that effect). She's really upset her parents don't love her going out every night, and let her be a "normal teenager." C'mon, Farrah's mom. It's not like she's made bad decisions and got pregnant before! P.S. Alexander, Farrah's date, must be 30. But at least he had the sense to tell her it's not cool she never hangs out with her baby. P.S.S. I've seen Farrah and Sophia together about 10 percent of the time. You'd be more likely to see Tiger Woods give Charlie Sheen marriage counseling.

:21 Gary and Amber are the best worst couple ever. They have no idea how to be in a relationship, and argue all the time. It's adorable. Amber slaps Gary. Gary calls Amber lazy. Amber cries. Gary buys a Playstation. It's fantastic.

:26 Times Ryan has smiled so far this season = Times Gary has been right in any argument

:27 Gary has moved from buying her an engagement ring at Wal-mart, to buying her a take home Cracker Barrel meatloaf meal. I can't say this is his worst strategy. I want to, but I know it will work.

:29 Let's be honest. This Sheena girl, the college student who gave a kid up for adoption, is vying for a spot on Teen Mom Season 2, with all her adopted mom therapy talk. Shrewd move.

:34 Gary is manning up. I'll give him that. I'm pulling for Gary and Amber to work things out; if Jennifer and Brad Jennifer and Vince Jennifer and John Jennifer and bitter loneliness can make it... er, best of luck! Confession: Part of my support is because I can't wait to see what "nice thing" Gary does for her next. I hope it involves K-Mart and 7-11. I kind of hope he's on the next season of The Bachelor.

:38 Farrah got home at 3 a.m.? On a night the guy didn't even like her? Now she wants to go out again, and her parents aren't having it. Excuse me, "Michael" doesn't get it. I forgot Farrah calls her dad that. Actually, she said "Michael, shut the &#%$ up." If I said that to my parents, I would be castrated on the spot. Saying the Lord's name in vein cost me a testicle.

:46 Baby Bentley* cries. Unemployed Ryan tells Maci, who worked all night, to take care of the baby, and to stop being lazy, and then he walks out. Other than that, his Dad of the Year nomination is still right in line.
* Not the name of a rapper.

:50 Capricorn to my future as a father: "You'd have the baby and go, 'You want to be on a blog, little baby?' You should not be a father anytime soon. You'd leave the door open and the baby would crawl out." The truth hurts.

:53 Ryan is the worst dad this side of K-Fed. It needed to be said. He's not even a dead-beat dad, because he sticks around and yet doesn't offer anything to the relationship or in support. He's an alive-beat dad. During relationship counseling, he's told to hug his cute fiance more (torture!). She's told not to expect he knows what she wants (what a revelation!). Baby Bentley is told to ask Catelynn and Tyler to adopt him, as clearly they are the most mature people on this show.

:55 So it was an episode about mended relationships... which will all be broken next episode. I mean, Gary and Ryan are involved.