Monday, January 11, 2010

To discuss a Weekend Update: Open letter edition

Dear Food Network:
It is patently unfair for you, at 1 a.m., to play an episode of Diners, Drive-ins and Dives about the best places to get Southern barbecue, when you know I can't do anything at that late hour to make said barbecue appear before my very eyes. Next time, why don't you just dangle adoption papers in front of one of Sarah McLachlan's abused puppies?

Dear state liquor store owner:
If you're trying to drum up business, perhaps you shouldn't play the Christian praise and worship song, "I Can Only Imagine," on the overhead speakers whilst people try to decide how to get drunk. I know Jesus drank wine, but I doubt he drank rum.

Dear Chili's:
I would like to congratulate you on your honey chipotle chicken tenders. My titillated tongue had so many orgasms that my teeth asked if it was faking them.

Dear bloggers:
I had a hunch there were lots of you who had taken a blogging hiatus in 2009, which is why I set up my last post to help you get the word out about your return (it's been constantly updated with all of your news). I just didn't realize my hunch was so right on ... wow. Thanks for all the updates, and thanks to those bloggers (see, KAT?) who made it through all of 2009 with nary a break. You will be rewarded in heaven with 72 virgins or 72 virgin daiquiris, depending on your preference.

Dear Capricorn:
You successfully became the first person ever to get me to drink that much in one sitting. What's more, the neighbors likely enjoyed me trying to drunk walk the dogs. I consider it an all-around success. The only thing we failed at was making MTV "True Life" into a drinking game; "House Hunters" would have been much easier. "Jersey Shore" would have resulted in alcohol poisoning for all involved. P.S. Love you

Dear Kohl's:
I don't know how to say this. I've never done this before, and my confession will likely land me in the slammer. Here goes. *deep breath* For some reason, you had a perfectly fine $120 cashmere red sweater on sale for $17. I couldn't resist, and I bought it. I basically stole that sweater from you. Please don't hold it against me.

Dear Andrew from the "Real World: DC":
Stop trying to sleep with every female cast member. And tell Ashley that Mike is gay, so she should stop trying to be with him. She has the wrong parts. Unless she will reveal next episode she's transgendered, but c'mon, this is Real World, stuff like that nev ... Hmm ... On second thought, Andrew, hold on to that last request.


jen - tsk said...

Firstly, thanks for your last post. Luckily my comeback wasn't the secret!

I can relate re your red sweater!! Before Christmas I was shopping (for myself) and picked up 2 pairs of the most amazing shoes (they were so amazing I would have sold my soul (if I hadn't sold it for a purse previously) for them!). I got to the check-out expecting to hand over $400 (in credit card money of course) for the pleasure and was asked for a merely $176. both items were on the receipt so I never questioned the $24 for a $224 pair of ladygasmic shows!!

I am a theif, but my feet look good when I'm running from the shops!

P said...

I'd prefer 72 NON virgin daiquiris thank you very much! :)

Jess said...

I'm going to have "I Can Only Imagine" stuck in my head for the rest of the day now.

Also, I'll be thinking about how much I'd like to eat Chili's.

Alexis said...

It's the same with HGTV: Why do you show me all the cool things I can do to improve my small space but I can't actually do them because I RENT!

Wii Post is now up!

Sarah said...

The Food Network playing 'Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" at 1am is just MEAN. They know exactly what to say to make me get out of bed and make some no good really bad thing I shouldn't be eating that late at night. Jerks!

FunnyGal KAT said...

Daiquiris! I'll take the daiquiris! (Oh wait, they are virgin daiquiris? That's no fun. But still better than trying to entertain 72 high school sophomore band members, I suppose!)

(And don't hate-- I was once a sophomore band member so I know of that which I speak...)

Herding Cats said...

Isn't Andrew hilariously awkward though?

Heather said...

I've learned that I should NEVER watch Food Network after midnight. Especially if I've been drinking... I'll suddenly start wanting to go on a Harold and Kumar-esque trek to find the perfect after-hours grub. And that's just not safe for anyone involved.

On a related note - drunk dog walking is not easy. Especially when there are two dogs wanting to go in opposite directions, so congratulations on pulling it off successfully :)

kisatrtle said...

you crack me up

Andy said...

Jen- We will start a life of well-dressed crime together.
P- Lush!.. I knew when I put virgin daiquiris, someone would point out they want alcohol.
Jess- There is never a bad time to eat at Chili's.
Alexis- Exactly!
Sarah- I say we write them a sternly-worded letter. And by "we," I mean you, and by "letter" I mean Tweet.
KAT- Did you de-virginize them?
Cats- Capricorn thinks he's hilarious. I think he's the second funniest Andrew I know.
Heather- Food Network is kind of evil that way.
Kisa- You make me feel like unicorns and rainbows.

Amy xxoo said...

I love getting bargains like that from major department stores - kind of makes up for all the stuff we buy for them that is waaaaaaay overpriced to begin with.

Also - cashmere ? Nice taste there Andy...

BeckEye said...

Have you ever seen that show, I forget if it's on Food Network or the Travel Channel, "Extreme Pig Outs?" It's amazing. Everything looks disturbingly good, but you actually DON'T want to eat it because you know the odds of having a severe heart attack after finishing one of anything they show are very high.

justsomethoughts... said...

Jesus did drink rum. Says so in the bible.
headed to chilis right NOW

Anonymous said...

I love how you worded the letter to Chili's. Brilliant.


Anna Lefler said...

I love these letters!

Off to drunk-walk the dogs now...

:-D Anna

LBluca77 said...

Once I got a 3 pairs of shoes from Kohl's for 91 cents each. I am not even kidding. I don't remember how much they were originally but they were a nice brand so I am guessing they were pretty cha-ching.

Seriously 3 pairs of shoes for less than $3 total. That was a great day.

Anonymous said...

Kohls is amazing. And having their credit card is dangerous...

Jenners said...

I always feel like I'm committing a crime when I shop at Kohls. I don't know how they stay in business quite honestly.

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