Tuesday, March 23, 2010

To discuss helping out the government, Part II

I finally am sending in my census form, and only so I don't have to get a call from some census worker making $13 an hour. But since you all liked some of the extra questions I tossed out last week, here are some more...

1. What do you think of the health care bill?
A) It will gives millions of people access to doctors who will be able to tell them they aren't quite sure what's wrong with them, but it's so freaking gross.
B) It's Communist
C) It was $473 just to get some damn stitc ... oh, that bill.
D) It's great, but I'd be much happier if it included pets.

2. Why do you think so many husbands of Best Actress Oscar winners cheat or get a divorce from their wives?
A) They can't handle success or the thought that their wife sleeps beside a man with a golden crotch.
B) They can't resist the feminine wiles of a woman with white supremacist tattoos.
C) It's not a curse. It was only Sandra. And Kate. And, uh, Reese, Hilary, and Halle. Helen Mirren has kept her man, though! Partly because only Satan would cheat on Helen Mirren.
D) Who knows, but Kristen Stewart better keep that in mind with ol' Robert ... especially since Pattinson would be the prettiest woman to ever win Best Actress.

3. What's the capital of Vermont? ...
A) V
B) Montpelier. I'll point it out on the map once I figure out if Vermont is the right-side up or the upside-down state. One of them is New Hampshire, I know that much.
C) I can't name two cities in Vermont.
D) Vermont should be beautiful this time of year, with all that snow.

4. Would you prefer the next presidential election involve ...
A) Sarah Palin, because it would make Saturday Night Live funny again.
B) American Idol-style voting to get the teen vote. Except that means David Archuleta is now a front-runner.
C) Canes and pipes. Because a candidate using a cane and a pipe is both trustworthy and suave.
D) Cage matches.

5. How will you celebrate Easter?
A) Kegger
B) Sunrise service, then more church, then more church
C) Eating so many chocolate bunnies that I start to name them. Peter Cottontail melted in my mouth.
D) Watching "Passion of the Christ" because Jesus is the original gangsta.

6. Select the group of "celebrities" currently on "Dancing with the Stars"?
A) Lisa Turtle and Screech, who do "The Sprain" dance.
B) One of the Kardashians, but not the annoying, immature one. Except now you're not quite sure which one I'm excluding.
C) Perez Hilton, Nancy Pelosi, Tiger Woods, Danny from "Hey Dude"
D) The woman whose eight kids will soon know her as "that lady from TV," the Olympic skater who isn't as cool as Johnny Weir, a woman who thinks I wish my girlfriend was a freak like her, and a guy who landed on the moon back when landing on the moon was noteworthy. And Lisa from "Tool Time."

7. A person rear ends you. You ...
A) Get their license plate and insurance information
B) Stab the bitch
C) Make sure they are wearing a condom
D) Are sticking with that story when the cop comes, because it certainly wasn't your fault you were texting your friend and had to slam on your brakes at the red light.

8. If you could bring back one TV show, but with the cast from a current TV show, it would be...
A) "Saved by the Bell" with the cast of "High School Musical"
B) "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" with the cast of "True Blood"
C) "Seinfeld" with the cast of "How I Met Your Mother"
D) "E.R." with the cast of "When E.R. was good."

9. Now that health care has passed, what should the president make his next top priority?
A) Investigating the people who enter their daughters in competitions on "Toddlers and Tiaras"
B) Getting HBO to tell "Big Love" producers to ease up on the storylines
C) Finding bin Laden. We haven't found him yet, right? Did anyone check his Facebook status?
D) Making cameo appearances on "30 Rock" to keep up his cool appeal.

10. If you were still lesbian from your last celebrity lesbian encounter and this time wanted to get a little crazier, who would you get with?
A) Dame Judi Dench
B) Mo'nique. The "Precious" version.
C) Wendy Williams
D) Octomom
E) One of the Olsen twins, but only if they say "You got it, dude" throughout it


L.C.T. said...

You still haven't told us what your answers would be...

Andy said...

LCT- The answers to the last census were in the comments section. Here are my answers for this one:
1) D 2) C 3) D 4) C 5) D 6) D 7) B 8) B 9) A 10) A

Anonymous said...

1) A 2)C (Helen Mirren, Schwing ;) 3)D 4)Either A or D, or some combination of both, with Palin in a cage match. 5)C since I gave up candy for Lent. 6) C? I really don't know. :) 7) B, because I've been too kind in the past 8) D, loved ER when it was actually good. 9) D, love 30 Rock and this would only make me love it more. :) 10) I think I'm going to have to go with A here too, because besides the rest are just downright creepy, not that Dame Judi isn't creepy, but not downright creepy.

Oops, sorry, did let you know innermost thoughts, including the scary ones, but here's my e-mail anyway: unfinishedperson (at) gmail (dot) com

Herding Cats said...

You crack me up. Oh, and I think I'd PAY to see "Are You Afraid of the Dark" as represented by the characters of "True Blood." That sounds like a dream come true!

FunnyGal KAT said...

Now, see, this is a census I could get behind. This one really makes me think (well, it did take me a minute to remember the Pretend Husband's birth date on the "real" one). I can't stop laughing over the first answer for the capitol of Vermont!

Heather said...

Wow - your answers tell me a lot about you... Dame Judy Dench, eh? Huh... that's interesting.

Also, remind me never to rear end you. Why do you have to be so violent??

Speaking of violence, I think I'd opt for a presidential cage fight.

P.S. My word verification is "mencheat" No lie. Just ask Sandra, Kate, Reese, Hilary and Halle.

Jenners said...

You are just killing me. Why are you not the Secretary of Humor?

Cadence said...

I'm glad you made this. The real census was a HUGE disappointment. I don't know if I've been spoiled by facebook quizzes that let me know which Golden Girl I am or what, but with all the census hype, I was really expecting something way better. Please forward this on, so they can realize how stupid the real census is.

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