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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

To discuss what bone you would break

My hair stylist called to push back my upcoming appointment.

She had broken her collarbone and will be off work for a few weeks. Hair cutting is a dangerous profession.

But that, combined with thinking of the Countess' kid on "Real Housewives of NYC" and her two broken arms, made me think of this:

If you had to have a broken bone, which would you rather have? Here are your options, and I expect explanations.

A) Broken Hand: We'll say it's your non-dominant hand (the one you don't use to give people the finger). You would still be mostly functional, but your texting ability would go way down. As if you already weren't a traffic hazard when you text and drive.

B) Broken leg: You will not be able to get on a stripper pole for months. You will have to use crutches, which will cause underarm chafing, but if you attach a nail to the bottom, you can use them as a weapon. Or, in another option, you can just saw off your leg, get a peg leg, and become a pirate. A win-win.

C) Broken tailbone: You will not, can not, and should not be able to get low, no matter how much Ludacris demands it. You also will have to carry around a donut, and not the powdered sugar kind. You will have to tell people you broke your ass. You will have guys make sexual comments about that statement. You also get to use the word "coccyx." You will also have guys make sexual comments about that.

D) Broken nose: The injury is unavoidable to the eyes, and you will hear endless Marcia Brady hokes. Bonus, though, for getting a free nose job. Unless you never get it fixed. Then you'll have a mix of my nose and Owen Wilson's nose.

E) Broken foot: You will be unable to fulfill your dream as a professional futbol/soccer player. When a guy plays footsie with you, he'll think your foot has an erection.

I'd go with D, if only to fix my nose and to get maximum sympathy. Vote in the sidebar poll.

17 comments:

L.C.T. said...

I'd break my foot. Extra long crutches (which I need at 6'1) can be quite fun!

nowimagrownup said...

Wow, let's see -- I've had the broken foot before.. it's not so bad. Also had the broken hand. Slightly worse, since it was my dominant one. But not nearly as bad as the broken tailbone I had a few years ago. All of your comments on that one were dead on. Breaking your ass definitely sucks. As much as I'd like to get my nose fixed, the thought of a broken nose kind of makes me want to vomit... so I guess I'll have to get it fixed on my own dime. Give me another broken foot.

stealthnerd said...

I went with broken nose. As a girl with a hair care routine, I could never handle the broken hand--I had surgery on my wrist and that was trouble enough. The leg, well, I have long legs and a short torso so if 2/3 of my body was in a cast, I think it would be too heavy to function. I passed on the broken ass b/c my nickname is Booty (and is totally non-sexual). Booty has a broken ass? Oh that's just not fair. And the foot, well, my roommate broke hers once and she was a pain when she did, so I skipped that too.

Herding Cats said...

Those are all horrible options. Can't I just break a toe or something?

FunnyGal KAT said...

I really gave this a lot of thought (unlike my comments in the past, which I write without thinking). Actually, it's weird how much thought I put into it. I've never broken anything, but I chose hand because at least I'd still be able to move around (unlike with a broken leg or foot) and I figure I'd still have limited use of my fingers.

And it's crazy how many bones nowimagrownup has broken-- I'm guessing you're either a bullfighter or klutzy Cirque du Soleil performer... am I right?

Andy said...

LCT- I had no idea you were that tall
Grownup- Please stay away from stairs, cars and cliffs. You are a glass-boned woman.
Booty- Surrrree it's non-sexual
Cats- Absolutely not.
KAT- I can see hand being a viable option. And I love that you put thought into it.

lbluca77 said...

Wait. Why do you have a hair stylist? Guys should just go to Fantastic Sams and get a hair cut for like $9.99. Why pay high price salon rates.

Soda and Candy said...

A) It's the one that's easiest to deal with (given it's the non-flipping off hand) but I'd be able to get out of cooking & washing up for ages!

nowimagrownup said...

KAT - I wish you were right. It would be waaay cooler to be able to claim bullfighter or circus performer. Unfortunately, I just tend to be a klutz who obviously needs to drink more milk for stronger bones!!

Amy xxoo said...

I'd also go with the broken nose - because i have one of those naturally long with a bump in the middle ones, and then i could get it fixed and claim it on my insurance.

It would make it hard to wear my glasses though...

BeckEye said...

Ack, I'd seriously rather not think about it. Can I break someone else's bone?

Sam_I_am said...

my mom broke her tailbone and it was HORRIBLE (for me, I can't imagine what it was like for her) I'd break my foot. Because I'm left handed and the world demands me to use my right hand a lot. So does my husband...


Word ver: reakeye

amindinmotown said...

Um, you have a hair stylist? Aren't you a dude? Shouldn't you just go to SuperCuts like the rest of them? Weird.

P.S. A

gracie-mel said...

I just want to stick up for my bro for a minute (well, maybe just make fun of him, more). He's been to the hairstylist more in his life than I have. He's had more "hair styles" than I have. He's dyed his hair more times than I have. In fact, we *used* to have the same hair color; now, no more.
Some would call him metrosexual; I just call him adventurous

P said...

Why wasn't broken collarbone an option?

I'm going for foot. I kind of like my nose the way it is, the tailbone one sounds like it would affect pretty much everything i do (sitting on the loo? Ouch.) and I've forgotten the other options, but foot was definitely the one that sounded the least hassle.

kisatrtle said...

I'm going with foot as I feel this injury would jack up my life in the least amount of ways. For example, if I break a hand or an arm my typing ability would significantly diminish. As would my ability to craft/cook chicken nuggets and hand jive. If I broke a leg I would need a wheelchair as my hand/armpit/arm/good leg coordination really SUCKS. Plus this would make chasing my dog and my children significantly more difficult.

Jenners said...

I'm just hung up on the fact that you have a "hair stylist" and not a barber.

But I'm going for the nose as I've ALWAYS hated my nose so I'd like to get it fixed under the guise of it being "medically necessary" and somehow paid for by insurance.

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