To discuss what bone you would break

My hair stylist called to push back my upcoming appointment.

She had broken her collarbone and will be off work for a few weeks. Hair cutting is a dangerous profession.

But that, combined with thinking of the Countess' kid on "Real Housewives of NYC" and her two broken arms, made me think of this:

If you had to have a broken bone, which would you rather have? Here are your options, and I expect explanations.

A) Broken Hand: We'll say it's your non-dominant hand (the one you don't use to give people the finger). You would still be mostly functional, but your texting ability would go way down. As if you already weren't a traffic hazard when you text and drive.

B) Broken leg: You will not be able to get on a stripper pole for months. You will have to use crutches, which will cause underarm chafing, but if you attach a nail to the bottom, you can use them as a weapon. Or, in another option, you can just saw off your leg, get a peg leg, and become a pirate. A win-win.

C) Broken tailbone: You will not, can not, and should not be able to get low, no matter how much Ludacris demands it. You also will have to carry around a donut, and not the powdered sugar kind. You will have to tell people you broke your ass. You will have guys make sexual comments about that statement. You also get to use the word "coccyx." You will also have guys make sexual comments about that.

D) Broken nose: The injury is unavoidable to the eyes, and you will hear endless Marcia Brady hokes. Bonus, though, for getting a free nose job. Unless you never get it fixed. Then you'll have a mix of my nose and Owen Wilson's nose.

E) Broken foot: You will be unable to fulfill your dream as a professional futbol/soccer player. When a guy plays footsie with you, he'll think your foot has an erection.

I'd go with D, if only to fix my nose and to get maximum sympathy. Vote in the sidebar poll.

To discuss a monthly feature poll question just for you

Wow, last week on Wild ARS Chase was almost all TV Play-by-Plays... which might explain why my visitor totals were down but the depth and breadth of comments were up. That obviously means play-by-plays are a love em or hate em kind of deal, not unlike Saturday Night Live, Taylor Swift and evangelical Christians.
To better understand what all of you want, there's a new poll up. It's all just for fun (I won't hold a grudge. I reserve grudges for certain high school girlfriends who dumped me for better looking guys). It's just market research to get a better sense of what you most like of the regular features I do (please, no write-in votes for "When Andy takes a day off."), and what I should do less frequently (i.e., Andy, take a hint.)
Here are the options, in random order:
1) TV Play-by-Play: Minute-by-minute recaps of reality shows, such as Top Model, which basically writes itself.
2) What I Learned From Cosmo: Revealing all the sexified tidbits hidden in "Cosmo," so that others might save themselves $4.29. (Latest post coming Monday... plus a special surprise later this week).
3) Month in review: Highlighting all the best and the worst of the previous month.
4) Love Coach cell phone texts: A new feature previewing what kind of texts you might get if you signed up for the shameless Love Coach service.
5) Fake Andy Shaw of the Month: Highlighting other Andy Shaws out there in the world, plus celebs that look like me, like a young Kevin Costner.
6) Co-blogs: Co-written ventures with some of my favorite bloggers. Has led to such infamous posts as this series with Ben, plus 2009 predictions from myself and Lump.
7) MILF, or Music I Loved Fridays: A look back at a song/group from the 90s, and what I was thinking at the time. The latest was Blink 182, first heard by me in "Can't Hardly Wait," which, coincidentally, played on VH1 later that week. Maybe they read my blog.
8) Weekend Update: Kind of like VH1's Best Week Ever, except it's only the weekend and I don't have out-of-work comedians commenting on my life. Here's one on The Wrestler and how I hate reality shows on large families.

Thanks for participating. Suggestions are welcome, since I'm basically making this up as I go, like a pilot landing a plane on the Hudson River, or Paris Hilton acting in a movie.
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Here's the results of the last poll, revealing that nearly as many of you have a serious blog addiction as those who read in moderation. Please seek medical help, such as a therapist, psychologist, or Yaz (I hear it works wonders).
How many blogs do you read in a day?

1-5: Just a few	5 (13%)
6-10: Daily dose	11 (29%)
11-25: Losing sleep	10 (27%)
26-50: I attend meetings	9 (24%)
I don't even read my own blog	2 (5%)

To discuss a new poll on Capricorn's crush, and some news

It's time to take down the body parts poll, after a very convincing win by the ladies. I'm man enough to admit that man junk pain isn't enough.

Which body part causes the most issues?

Manpiece: Pops up at wrong time	6 (13%)
Ladybits: Two words: Child Birth	39 (84%)
What if I have both?	1 (2%)

The new poll, which is more of a quiz, will test your knowledge of Capricorn. She blew me away the other day with a piece of information I never would have guessed. She revealed she's always had a celebrity crush on...

A) Mario Lopez. She never fell for Zack Morris. She was an A.C. girl all the way, down to his curly mullet, his dimples and his unheralded dance moves. She even forgave him for trying to become the Latino Ryan Seacrest. And for cheating on the Doritos girl.






B) Charlie Sheen. She loves a guy who is a bit dangerous, and what's more dangerous than a penchant for hookers and Denise Richards? He has a top rated show, a full head of hair and likes to wear bowling shirts- what's not to love?





C) Christopher Walken. Capricorn said he was so sexy in that Weapon of Choice video where he was dancing all over the place. Plus, he puts his pants on, one leg at a time like the rest of us. The only difference is, when he's done, he makes gold records.




D) James Earl Jones. She just can't get that deep baritone out of her mind when she sleeps at night, with thoughts of Darth Vader, King Mufasa, and "This is CNN," nestled in her dreams. And he probably has a nice light saber, too.





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I started a new work blog yesterday. It's similar in style to Wild ARS, except newspaper approved... which is much, much tougher to write. The big difference is, I actually get paid to write it (in addition to my regular duties).
If you do check it out, it will have content that's exclusive and not repeated on here, so think of it as bonus director's cut, except the director's cut is cut for families and not for unrated, boob-filled extras.
I'd love for any of you to stop by from time to time, as it might make the appearance to my bosses that I'm doing something productive and meaningful, instead of looking up James Earl Jones' portfolio.
But, since I do try to keep work and this personal blog apart, try not to specifically mention this blog in any comments, just in case they start wondering (I didn't think of that until well after I put up my first post). If you send me an e-mail, Twitter message or leave a comment on here asking for it, I'll give you the url...

And thanks for all of your support on Wild ARS- I'm nearing the six-month mark on Feb. 1. Six months of these shenanigans. Plus, my birthday is Feb. 6... So, for next week, if anyone would like to do a guest post on here (maybe even a play by play?), let me know- it'd be a nice way to celebrate.
Update: Here's the link to the new blog. I wasn't going to include it and assume everyone would want it, but hey, might as well. Remember, mum's the word on Wild ARS. Actually, Capricorn's usually the word on Wild ARS, but I digress.

To discuss a breakdown of holiday classics and a dead John Ritter reference

As mentioned, the new poll is up. You've made (or are making) your selections for your favorite holiday movie. But perhaps you're on the fence and need a gentle push.
Let me be of assistance:

• White Christmas: If you don't enjoy the music from this Bing Crosby classic, you probably hate kittens. My favorite song from this movie, actually, is "The Best Things Happen While Your Dancing."... I watched this movie on VHS as a kid at my grandparents house, all year long... because they didn't have cable and the only other option was "What About Bob," and you can only watch that movie so many times before thinking, "What About Me?!?!"
  
• It's a Wonderful Life: The "angel gets its wings part" is crap-- angels get their wings by drinking Red Bull-- but it's hard to resist this small town tale of George Bailey pleading with God for a government bailout of his banking crisis, only to find out he's 73 years and a Bush administration too early.
• A Christmas Story: My mom refuses to watch this movie because she thinks Ralphie actually gets his eye shot out... which would be AWESOME. Also, I love the pink bunny outfit and the terrifying Santa. And, if any of you are still searching for a gift for me, please buy me a leg lamp. With the rest of Natalie Portman attached.
  
• Muppet Christmas Carol: Michael Caine delivers here, plain and simple. And the Penguin Christmas Skating Party? Are you kidding me? Do the good times ever stop?
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Not a month goes by without my family quoting this Chevy Chase movie. It made me want to enroll in the Jelly of the Month club. And buy my own backyard swimming pool. And visit a mall to have a girl named Mary explain to me why there is a lingerie kiosk in the middle of the mall.
  
• Just Friends: Ryan Reynolds sings "I Swear" in a fat suit. Anna Faris does her "If Britney had gone just a little more overboard and done more blow, here's how she would have acted if her manager forced her to spend Christmas in New Jersey." And the chick from "Airplane" is the mom.
• The Santa Clause: This would be the perfect Christmas movie if it wasn't for that annoying kid. I wanted to punch him in his groin the entire movie for his precocious acting, but that's against child welfare laws. He'll get his. Oh, he'll get his.
• The Family Stone: Family dysfunction, intertwining relationships, Claire Danes being hot, Diane Keaton with her amazing "This is my Diane Keaton acting class, watch out younger acting bitches, I was in that famous Woody Allen film" acting, Sarah Jessica Parker not being totally annoying, and Claire Danes being hot in a movie with Rachel McAdams being hot. Not that either is hotter than Capricorn, mind you.* She's hotter. And she never kissed Jared Leto.
  
• Elf: For the "Baby It's Cold Outside" scene.
• Bad Santa: Dead John Ritter: "Did one of you, um, fornicate?" Drunk Billy Bob Thornton: "Fornicate?" Ritter: "Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big and tall dressing room." Thornton: "Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time sure, but uh, as far as I’ve recalled I’ve never fornicated anybody."
• Love Actually: In the early going, this movie is taking the lead in the poll. Who knew it had such strong holiday pull? It does have that British charm to it, though. And I do love intertwining stories. Eh, why not? Love Actually, you're a modern holiday classic.
  
• Die Hard: Not your typical holiday fare, but it is set during Christmas, and Carl Winslow is in it, and there's lots of bad German accents and Bruce Willis kicking ass and taking names. Ashton Kutcher must have loved this movie when he was a kid. "Hey, one day I'm going to be the step-dad to this guy's kids. And bang his ex-wife."
  
• Miracle on 34th Street: I'm including this because it's a classic, not necessarily because I agree with its inclusion. How the Grinch Stole Christmas could have just as easily taken this spot, but the Jim Carrey remake left a sour taste in my mouth about all things Grinch. It tastes like Roast Beast.
  

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If you like movie posts, I've got a special co-post with Joshlos in the works that will be our holiday gift to you. What's that you hear? It's a heavenly host of angels pre-gaming.
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* It's our three-month anniversary today. She's tolerated me for three whole months. One of these days, she'll catch on that underneath my amazing physique and stunning good looks, I'm really just a geek who blogs about his dog and his fetish with 90's pop culture. Until then, I intend to make out with her as much as possible. And tell her "I love you" every day.**
** If you could all do me a favor, don't tell her I want a Natalie Portman leg lamp. That will be our Santa Secret, OK?

To discuss a reader poll full of Christmas spirit and Hollywood glamour

Raise your hand if you're working every weekday but Christmas this week.
(Anyone? Anyone? Just myself and a few other saps? Thought so.)

Anyway, I appreciated all the responses for my latest poll, "When do you normally put up your holiday decorations?" Evidently, a majority of you had lights blazing at the start of December. A small percentage of you are blithely unaware Christmas is this Thursday and are wondering why the neighbors are complaining about your rotting jack-o-lantern. And six of you are drunks.

Here are the officials results of the last poll, for you Google readers:
Before Thanksgiving, because I'm an overachiever: 10 (15%)
The start of December, so as not to appear too Scrooge-ish: 26 (41%)
Just before Santa arrives with gift cards for Best Buy/Victoria's Secret/Gynecologist: 5 (7%)
Decorations? You're lucky I buy gifts:11 (17%)
I still have Halloween pumpkins rotting outside: 5 (7%)
If by "decorate" you mean drink away my holiday sorrows, then I answer "October": 6 (9%)

For the new poll, lasting only through Christmas Day (Happy Hannukah to my Jewish friends, but you already know that this is a Christmas world), the focus is on your favorite Christmas movie. The options will be extensive.
I'll debate the merits of each option soon, but I wanted to get the poll up in the meantime. No complaining about what's left off, especially if it's a CBS holiday special (If one of you says "The Christmas Shoes" movie should be on there, I will burn your house down like I'm Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez. I swear to almighty God.)
This will require you to actually visit my site, Google readers. Consider it your holiday gift to me. That, and a $100 check made out to "Andy Shaw."

Merry Christmas!

Update: I had to re-post the poll to allow multiple selections. Feel free to vote again. I tried to set all the vote tallies as they were before I took the poll down.