To discuss Praise and Worship Song Mad Libs

I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. No, I did not need to leave so I could go into sex addiction therapy. Only famous people can get away with saying they have a sex addiction as an excuse for anything.

Instead, all I can say is that I needed some "me" time during a rough few weeks. I also played some Playstation for the first time in forever. How long? Well, I'm referencing my Playstation 2, if that means anything.

But I'm feeling recharged now. Recharged enough to write a post I've been wanting to write for some time now ...

You know what sticks in my craw?

I don't know, because I'm not sure exactly my craw is.

But you know what really gets me frustrated?

Praise and worship songs. Now, before you start wielding pitchforks, let me say I've got nothing against Jesus, or people getting into the music. But if Jesus was sitting beside me in one of those huge, nondenominational church services that are becoming so popular, he'd listen to the songs and say, "Sweet Me, don't tell me that's what you're passing off as praise and worship!?!? The Black Eyed Peas have more original lyrics!"

Here's why: I'm not so sure most people attending church have any idea what they are really singing. Actually, I think a lot of megachurches are set up to be a good experience and not necessarily a good service, but that's another accusation for another time.

Let me ask you this, and let's assume you're a Biblelish person (humor me). How many times a day do you use phrases such as "majesty and glory" "bigger than the mountains" "casting down my burdens" or "I sing beneath the shadow of your wings"?

I'm fairly certain a majority of people sing the praise and worship songs and only know two things:
1) God enjoys us praising him, regardless of the song (this is true)
2) This song is about God, so it is by default quality music (this is not true)

I'd argue that there's nothing in the Bible that says you need to reference ancient Hebrew phrases to make a song worship-y enough, but man, people get into it ... They may not be quite sure why they are singing about metaphorical rivers, but as long as we repeat the chorus 7 or 8 times, it's gold!

The problem is, people are always in a rush and eager to find any way they can to cut down on time. As a service to them, I thought I'd offer an all-inclusive Mad Libs praise and worship song. Please use the wordbank at the bottom.

For background music, insert at least three guitars, bongo drums, regular drums, a violin and several overzealous background singers who clap one hand on to the opposite wrist to keep time.

Starts out soft with just guitars and a soft drum beat

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Picking up speed and intensity not unlike a Lady Gaga song

(God name)
Your (random worship buzz word) is so (adjective)
You (verb) in us
And for that, we (verb) all day

Full musical backing with dramatic hand gestures

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb you)
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Slow again to give the appearance of a new stanza, except it's the same one, because repeating phrases is the key to getting God to remember what you've just said. Either God has Alzheimers, or worship song writers just run out of lyrics.

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Full musical backing with even more dramatic hand gestures and pyrotechnics. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Bringing it back down to a capella, as that's how you show you're serious about what you're singing.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Building back up the tempo as drums kick back in to get this mother going

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Full out musical war on that stage, y'all
Yes (God name)
We (verb) you

Repeat this chorus 10 times or people will think you hate Christians and kittens. On last repeat, do it a capella again to bring it back for a moment of reflection (for you, not God. God doesn't need quiet for reflection. He's God.).

Praise and Worship Mad Lib words

God names: Lord/Father/Almighty/Yahweh/Big Guy
Adjectives: Blessed/Glorious/Majestic/Amazing/Worthy/Off the chain
Random geographic term: River/Sea/Mountain/Earth/Meadow/Icelandic Volcano
Random worship buzz word: Sovereignty/Abundance/Hallelujah/Sin/Potluck Supper
Random animal: Lamb/Sheep/Eagle/Lion/Vampire
Verb: Cast/Glorify/Believe/Praise/Trust/Dwell/Pray/Breakdance