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Monday, April 19, 2010

To discuss Praise and Worship Song Mad Libs

I know it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. No, I did not need to leave so I could go into sex addiction therapy. Only famous people can get away with saying they have a sex addiction as an excuse for anything.

Instead, all I can say is that I needed some "me" time during a rough few weeks. I also played some Playstation for the first time in forever. How long? Well, I'm referencing my Playstation 2, if that means anything.

But I'm feeling recharged now. Recharged enough to write a post I've been wanting to write for some time now ...

You know what sticks in my craw?

I don't know, because I'm not sure exactly my craw is.

But you know what really gets me frustrated?

Praise and worship songs. Now, before you start wielding pitchforks, let me say I've got nothing against Jesus, or people getting into the music. But if Jesus was sitting beside me in one of those huge, nondenominational church services that are becoming so popular, he'd listen to the songs and say, "Sweet Me, don't tell me that's what you're passing off as praise and worship!?!? The Black Eyed Peas have more original lyrics!"

Here's why: I'm not so sure most people attending church have any idea what they are really singing. Actually, I think a lot of megachurches are set up to be a good experience and not necessarily a good service, but that's another accusation for another time.

Let me ask you this, and let's assume you're a Biblelish person (humor me). How many times a day do you use phrases such as "majesty and glory" "bigger than the mountains" "casting down my burdens" or "I sing beneath the shadow of your wings"?

I'm fairly certain a majority of people sing the praise and worship songs and only know two things:
1) God enjoys us praising him, regardless of the song (this is true)
2) This song is about God, so it is by default quality music (this is not true)

I'd argue that there's nothing in the Bible that says you need to reference ancient Hebrew phrases to make a song worship-y enough, but man, people get into it ... They may not be quite sure why they are singing about metaphorical rivers, but as long as we repeat the chorus 7 or 8 times, it's gold!

The problem is, people are always in a rush and eager to find any way they can to cut down on time. As a service to them, I thought I'd offer an all-inclusive Mad Libs praise and worship song. Please use the wordbank at the bottom.

For background music, insert at least three guitars, bongo drums, regular drums, a violin and several overzealous background singers who clap one hand on to the opposite wrist to keep time.

Starts out soft with just guitars and a soft drum beat

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Picking up speed and intensity not unlike a Lady Gaga song

(God name)
Your (random worship buzz word) is so (adjective)
You (verb) in us
And for that, we (verb) all day

Full musical backing with dramatic hand gestures

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb you)
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Slow again to give the appearance of a new stanza, except it's the same one, because repeating phrases is the key to getting God to remember what you've just said. Either God has Alzheimers, or worship song writers just run out of lyrics.

Baby Jesus, you are (adjective)
From the manger to the cross
Your love flows like a (random geographic term)
And I'm a big fan

Full musical backing with even more dramatic hand gestures and pyrotechnics. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Bringing it back down to a capella, as that's how you show you're serious about what you're singing.

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Building back up the tempo as drums kick back in to get this mother going

Yes (God name)
We (verb) you
Yes (Another God name)
We (verb) you
To the ends of the (random geographic term)
We dream of your (buzz word)

Full out musical war on that stage, y'all
Yes (God name)
We (verb) you

Repeat this chorus 10 times or people will think you hate Christians and kittens. On last repeat, do it a capella again to bring it back for a moment of reflection (for you, not God. God doesn't need quiet for reflection. He's God.).

Praise and Worship Mad Lib words
God names: Lord/Father/Almighty/Yahweh/Big Guy
Adjectives: Blessed/Glorious/Majestic/Amazing/Worthy/Off the chain
Random geographic term: River/Sea/Mountain/Earth/Meadow/Icelandic Volcano
Random worship buzz word: Sovereignty/Abundance/Hallelujah/Sin/Potluck Supper
Random animal: Lamb/Sheep/Eagle/Lion/Vampire
Verb: Cast/Glorify/Believe/Praise/Trust/Dwell/Pray/Breakdance

9 comments:

Rosie Posie said...

WOW did you ever speak for me just then. Speaking as a choir girl, praise music is one of the most irritating things about music in church; it's got all the repetition of jazz without any of the creativity.

I think it's supposed to be the church version of trance music at a rave.

BeckEye said...

Hahaha...you write fake worship songs, I write fake Idol coronation songs. Tomato, tomahto.

What I hate about church songs is that they always jam like a million words into a verse. It's like every song in the hymnal is written by John Popper.

Herding Cats said...

You've been missed!

Oh, and this may be why I don't go to church....

gracie-mel said...

and no matter what, you must sing earnestly!!!
once again, you strike gold!

LiLu said...

"Sticks in my craw" totally belongs in my colloquialisms post. LOVE IT.

Soda and Candy said...

Hahahaha, I remember this exact song from my days as a young'un at church! The Christians love them some soft rock.

What bothers me is when they try to do Christian versions of music genres that are just inappropriate, like rap or heavy metal. You just can't be positive and enthusiastic while headbanging.

Andy said...

Rosie- Now that's an idea. The Bible, strobe lights and X!
Beck- An amazing Blues Travelers reference if I've ever seen one.
Cats- It's not because of the priests?
Gracie- Singing earnestly is a requirement.
LiLu- I'm sure craw refers to vagina. Wait, it doesn't?
Soda- I agree. It just comes off as poser-ish.

Exgf said...

Just found you today - but be 100% sure I'll check back daily!

I have some thoughts on the megachurches too - def. a good experience not so much a good service.

Love the post today - you have me hooked (and laughing in my office that I almost spit diet coke out of my nose)

Happy Monday!
*HUGS*
Exgf
http://confessionsofanexgirlfriend.wordpress.com/

Jenners said...

Just admit you were playing video games this whole time.

And if I make $100,000 selling my hit new praise and worship song, do I have to tithe some to you?

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