To discuss a Cosmo review: May 2010

I recently got the June edition of Cosmopolitan magazine in the mail -with, uh, Pink on the cover? - and realized I hadn't done a review of May's edition yet. Well, that just will not do. So here's the recap of all the insanity of the Heidi Klum-covered Cosmo. As always, don't read this if Cosmo is offensive to you or you don't want to learn why men watch porn.

• Cover title: "Heidi Klum: How She Got Every Damn Thing She Wanted." Except keeping Project Runway on Bravo, that is.
• That saucy, ridiculously proportioned JC Penney girl is back, and in new lingerie! Stop teasing me!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Dating Prenups - Unmarried couples who share a pad are drawing up "cohabs," legally binding agreements dictating how they'll divvy up stuff in case they split. At this rate, we'll have "mealnups" for first-date couples to sign dictating how they'll split the meal bill.
• Cover subject Heidi Klum's Cosmo Quiz: "When I was growing up, I always got teased about my flat chest and pimples." You see, kids, this is why you never make fun of any girl growing up. She might turn out to be hot. And a supermodel. And married to Seal.
• He Cheated With You... Now What? What if the person a guy betrayed his wife or girlfriend with isn't some skanky ho. What if she's an otherwise levelheaded, normal chick like, say, you? Just to be clear here, the wife or girlfriend will still think you're a skanky ho. And are there really any other types of hos other than skanky?
• Judging by the plethora of ads so far, I'd say Cosmo readers are worried about two things: sexy lingerie and deodorant.
• Cosmo Stars in a New Movie: Yeah, you did Cosmo. And we all know how that ended up.
• Cosmo Confessions: A woman wore a new bikini to her father-in-law's 60th birthday party and, of course, the bikini top falls off when she jumps up to hug him. I don't know why she was embarrassed. That must have been the best birthday present of all.

• 101 Things About Guys: Dumb Info Your Guy Is Getting - "A woman who wears a designer purse is a shallow label whore ... That girl is so insecure, she needs to have a bag ith some designer's name on it in order to feel important," Mensfitness.com. Wait, what was that again? Cosmo says this is dumb? Sorry, I was distracted looking at page after page of designer fashion ads. Good thing labels don't matter to your readers, Cosmo, because now they can skip looking at your ads!
• Why he'll watch porn- Even when sex with you is awesome: "Once in a while, he just wants to be selfish, and since men are visual creatures, they turn to porn when the urge to self-satisfy strikes." At first, we turn to paintings from the Impressionist period, but that just doesn't have the same visual satisfaction.
• 100 Relationship Questions- Answered in 20 Words or Less: "I attract guys who turn out to be d-bags. Why can't I find a good one? You're choosing them, so you have a hard time seeing red flags." WAC answer: You likely are a cast member of The Hills or Jersey Shore... P.S. I'll answer any of your relationship questions in 20 words or less in the comments section.
• When You Have to Fix a Sex Glitch- Fast!: "Damn! Your vibrator's battery is dead: Download the free MyVibe app to make your iPhone pulse and vibrate." There's an app for that? What's it called, the iManReplacer?
• You and your guy tend to be loud ... but you have roommate: Rent a horror flick with plenty of yelling and shrieking. if they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie. Or they'll assume your into some really kinky slasher sex.
• Ask Him Anything: My boyfriend buys extra-large condoms even though he's, at most, a medium. If I buy regular-size ones for him, will it crush his ego? Yes. Yes, it will. Tell him to double bag it.
• 50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts: Only 50, Cosmo?!?! You finally come up with a gold idea and limit it to 50?!?! Sample: Stick on nipple tassels, and practice swinging them. On second thought, maybe 50 was too many.