To discuss a Cosmo review: May 2010

I recently got the June edition of Cosmopolitan magazine in the mail -with, uh, Pink on the cover? - and realized I hadn't done a review of May's edition yet. Well, that just will not do. So here's the recap of all the insanity of the Heidi Klum-covered Cosmo. As always, don't read this if Cosmo is offensive to you or you don't want to learn why men watch porn.

• Cover title: "Heidi Klum: How She Got Every Damn Thing She Wanted." Except keeping Project Runway on Bravo, that is.
• That saucy, ridiculously proportioned JC Penney girl is back, and in new lingerie! Stop teasing me!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Dating Prenups - Unmarried couples who share a pad are drawing up "cohabs," legally binding agreements dictating how they'll divvy up stuff in case they split. At this rate, we'll have "mealnups" for first-date couples to sign dictating how they'll split the meal bill.
• Cover subject Heidi Klum's Cosmo Quiz: "When I was growing up, I always got teased about my flat chest and pimples." You see, kids, this is why you never make fun of any girl growing up. She might turn out to be hot. And a supermodel. And married to Seal.
• He Cheated With You... Now What? What if the person a guy betrayed his wife or girlfriend with isn't some skanky ho. What if she's an otherwise levelheaded, normal chick like, say, you? Just to be clear here, the wife or girlfriend will still think you're a skanky ho. And are there really any other types of hos other than skanky?
• Judging by the plethora of ads so far, I'd say Cosmo readers are worried about two things: sexy lingerie and deodorant.
• Cosmo Stars in a New Movie: Yeah, you did Cosmo. And we all know how that ended up.
• Cosmo Confessions: A woman wore a new bikini to her father-in-law's 60th birthday party and, of course, the bikini top falls off when she jumps up to hug him. I don't know why she was embarrassed. That must have been the best birthday present of all.

• 101 Things About Guys: Dumb Info Your Guy Is Getting - "A woman who wears a designer purse is a shallow label whore ... That girl is so insecure, she needs to have a bag ith some designer's name on it in order to feel important," Mensfitness.com. Wait, what was that again? Cosmo says this is dumb? Sorry, I was distracted looking at page after page of designer fashion ads. Good thing labels don't matter to your readers, Cosmo, because now they can skip looking at your ads!
• Why he'll watch porn- Even when sex with you is awesome: "Once in a while, he just wants to be selfish, and since men are visual creatures, they turn to porn when the urge to self-satisfy strikes." At first, we turn to paintings from the Impressionist period, but that just doesn't have the same visual satisfaction.
• 100 Relationship Questions- Answered in 20 Words or Less: "I attract guys who turn out to be d-bags. Why can't I find a good one? You're choosing them, so you have a hard time seeing red flags." WAC answer: You likely are a cast member of The Hills or Jersey Shore... P.S. I'll answer any of your relationship questions in 20 words or less in the comments section.
• When You Have to Fix a Sex Glitch- Fast!: "Damn! Your vibrator's battery is dead: Download the free MyVibe app to make your iPhone pulse and vibrate." There's an app for that? What's it called, the iManReplacer?
• You and your guy tend to be loud ... but you have roommate: Rent a horror flick with plenty of yelling and shrieking. if they hear any screams, they'll assume it's the movie. Or they'll assume your into some really kinky slasher sex.
• Ask Him Anything: My boyfriend buys extra-large condoms even though he's, at most, a medium. If I buy regular-size ones for him, will it crush his ego? Yes. Yes, it will. Tell him to double bag it.
• 50 Great Things to Do With Your Breasts: Only 50, Cosmo?!?! You finally come up with a gold idea and limit it to 50?!?! Sample: Stick on nipple tassels, and practice swinging them. On second thought, maybe 50 was too many.

To discuss Hilary Duff taking down the Fourth Estate with one ABC Family swoop

During my blogging hiatus, I watched the following movies:
Boy in the Striped Pajamas (Dead kitten sad)
Date Night (Delightful)
I Love You, Man (Very re-watchable)
2012 (Better than expected)
Brothers (Watched it for Natalie Portman, but fun to watch Spiderman lose his mind)
Transformers 2 (Could be one of the most unwatchable movies I've ever seen, and I saw Austin Powers 3)

But last night. Oh, last night. I watched something just for all of you, dear readers, something I Tivo'd from Sunday night just because I knew it would be a gem.

I'm talking ABC Family. Hilary Duff. Beauty & The Briefcase.

You just got served, bitches.

Capricorn knows that above any of my issues with a movie, the one that bugs me most (other than Michael Bay, a recent addition) is the use of journalists. She can't even talk to me about the Drew Barrymore flick, "Never Been Kissed," as I get outraged that any newspaper reporter would be allowed to basically go undercover on her own just to write one story.

Fortunately, ABC Family didn't let me down. Here's the premise: Lane (Hilary Duff) is a freelance writer hoping to write for big-time fashion magazines. She gets a break and is asked to write for Cosmopolitan about finding a workplace romance in corporate America. The only problem is, she has to go undercover and pretend to be a businesswoman! The hijinx! Her goal for the article is to find a "man in a suit" that meets all her checklist items of her "magic man" (I can't make this up).

And now, for a rundown of "Beauty & The Briefcase" (B&B)

• Does anybody else categorize Hilary Duff movies based on whether she is curvy or bird-like thin? In this one, she's working her J-Lo curves, which is refreshing. I'm glad ABC Family let her eat. Ahem, CW?
  
• If you didn't know Cosmo was one of the sponsors, Hilary and her roomie, who live in an impossibly sized loft in NYC considering they are poor media types, have a Cosmo shrine on their wall. I'd say that's strange, but then again, I'm a heterosexual male who writes Cosmo recaps every month, so ...
  
• Millions of Americans are unemployed, but in B&B, you can just lie on your resume and walk right into a full-time job at an investment firm.
• Lane spends the whole movie feeling out of place in the corporate world. There is no explanation of why she doesn't just find a job in corporate communications.
• Another Cosmo influence: Lane's article is a way for her to find a man to fulfill the void in her life, as if that will solve everything. At least her article premise wasn't "Get a corporate job to learn the 7 BEST orgasm tricks." That wouldn't have been an ABC Family kind of movie.
  
• She's often dressed like she's in an office-themed porno, and she's the only woman under 40 in the office, and yet is surprised all the horny guys in the office like her. At one point, she's, like, so embarrassed that she bent over and showed cleavage and her ass to her boss.
• She and her friends play Go Fish using photos of male body parts.
  
• She's hired as a "corporate synergy executive" who must know specific business software, and yet rarely is asked to do anything but answer the phone and giggle.
• She goes on dates with everyone in the office, but doesn't sleep with any of them. You'd think by the fifth guy, word would have gotten around she was closed for business.
  
• The Cosmo editor says her initial article "lacks depth." I'd like to know of any Cosmo article with depth. XOXO, Cosmo, just kidding, I'll still write for you!
  
• On a first date, she tells a guy she likes to play games with "feathers and chocolate sauce." At this point, I realize Lizzie McGuire is kinda a slut.
• I also realize I still am mad at Hilary for "Raise Your Voice."Like, for making that whole movie.
  
• According to B&B, all guys in corporate America have no personalities but are eager to have sex, and all women have big dreams but would settle for a guy who is good at sex.
• Her token "Hey, I do have a talent in this unfamiliar job!" movie cliche is creating visuals for a presentation ... that look oddly familiar to a Cosmo cover. Hilary, if you want a Cosmo cover, this is how you do it.* (* P.S. Anyone interested in me and Ben doing a Part II this summer?)
• She gets the cover story ... and is the cover model. Take that, Heidi Klum of the May issue! Where's your article?
• It took her two hours to figure out opposites attract.
  

Worst line:
"The business world looks a lot like heaven to me. Heaven in a tie." - Lane

How the mighty have fallen:
Jaime Pressley is in this movie.

Journalism no-no's:
- Drinking during an interview
- Taking gifts
- Comparing an undercover Cosmo assignment that's basically a "Never Been Kissed" ripoff to the work of Woodward and Bernstein, the Watergate reporters who, by the way, didn't work undercover.
- Lying
- Changing your story angle without talking to an editor
- An editor telling you who you can and can't date
- Printing a copy of your notes on your work printer while you're being an undercover reporter
- Making up sources
- Being Hilary Duff in general

I hope this has helped you. And for those who are now Cosmo-hungry, there will be a Cosmo review up later this week.

To discuss a Cosmo review: April 2010

What do you think convinced Lady Gaga to do an issue of Cosmopolitan? As if she would ever follow any of the advice they have in there. I mean, look at one of the cover headlines: "50 Things to Do Butt Naked." Since one of the options isn't "Perform live at an awards show," why would she listen?

Anyway, here's the Cosmopolitan April 2010 review. As always, don't read this if Cosmo (or Lady Gaga) offends you.

• Cosmo Bachelor Search 2010: Nominate a guy to be Bachelor of the Year. Is Jake Pavelka still eligible, or do we have to wait until he officially breaks up with Vienna?
• Cover subject Lady Gaga:: "I wanted to sleep with as many rock 'n' roll guys as I could, and I've certainly had my fun." Holy crap, was she on Rock of Love Bus and I missed it? And what part of sleeping with a bunch of rockers sounds like a healthy decision? Her private parts are probably a petri dish.
  
• Gaga: "I'd tell any new boyfriend to hang on because it's going to be a bumpy ride." ... Why? Because in the middle of sex your bra would gouge his eye? Or because in the middle of sex you'd decide you don't like boys anymore?

• OK, these JC Penney ads are getting more and more ridiculous. Am I shopping at the wrong JC Penney, or is there a secret slutty one guys aren't allowed to know about? And at what point did JC Penney ad models get hotter than Victoria's Secret models?
• Guy confessions: A guy giving a PowerPoint presentation at work using his iPhone is embarrassed when "private" photos he had sent to his girlfriend popped up on the screen. How many run-of-the-mill sitcoms do people need to watch before realizing that it's never a good idea to keep personal photos in the same folder/phone as the one you're using for a PowerPoint? Although you'd think by this point Microsoft would have invented a PowerPoint update that automatically scans photos for boobs and penises before it's shown on screen.
• Fun Fearless Fashion: Wearing denim-on-denim: Cosmo says it's now socially acceptable to wear a denim top and denim pants and denim shoes. But that denim thong can get really itchy ...
  
• Sexy vs. Skanky: A quick smooch (Amanda Seyfriend/Dominic Cooper) vs. A long tongue wrestle (Janice Dickinson and her bf). That just makes me miss the days of Janice on "America's Next Top Model," even if it looks like she's trying to recreate a scene from "Species."
• The 5 Best Compliments You Can Give Him: 'Cha-ching' when he's successful at work; 'Hahahaha' when he cracks a joke... or 'I've never seen one that long and big!' when he ... crochets a scarf.
• The Sex Article We Can't Describe On the Cover: As it turns out, Cosmo CAN be shamed... they couldn't put the words "oral sex" on the cover because it's "too shocking" to some... and yet they can put "Find Your G-Spot" and "Speak His Sex Language" on the cover. But oral sex? Heavens no!
• How to Appear Crazy and Neurotic: Oops, I don't think I got the article's title right. But who can blame me, when Cosmo advises women to touch a new guy they meet five times within every 15 minutes ... because guys love it when a girl is so into their conversation, she's timing out her physical contact.
  
• A new ABC Family original movie: 'Beauty & The Briefcase' starring Hilary Duff: Hilary plays a girl who lands a big assignment from Cosmo where she has to date a bunch of guys and write about it. Pay no attention to the movie you saw with Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey with a similar plot. Or the fact Hilary Duff keeps getting movie roles. Don't even get me started on "Raise Your Voice."
  
• Cosmo Gyno Q&A: 'My gyno gave me a rectal exam. WTF?' Dear Gyno worrier: Turn around next time. Duh.
• Rethink Your Green Routine: Advice such as pulling the plug on unused appliances and purchasing organic foods. For some reason, "Don't buy a 200-page glossy magazine every month" isn't on their list of ways to save the environment. At least I'm helping you avoid that.
  

To discuss a Maxim review: February 2010

Despite being eminently popular with Google searches, I haven't had the chance to do a Maxim review lately. And then, when I finally get to do one, Amanda Bynes is on the cover. What do I have to do to get away from Amanda Bynes? First Cosmo, now this. And that cover photo looks like she just woke up at an all-night study session that ended in a half-naked mistake. Oh well. It's the February 2010 Maxim review. Don't read on if you're offended by Maxim, scandalous photo links or Tiger Woods jokes.

• Reader letter: "Your models always wear the sexiest panties. Luckily my girlfriend puts me in charge of buying all her intimates. Where can i buy the stuff your ladies wear?" Let me translate: "OMG you guys, I want to buy panties just like the ones on your models. For, um, my *cough* girlfriend *cough*. Can I get them online so no one has to see me buy them?"
• Five Airlines That Cater to Your Every Vice: Porn- Alaska Airlines is one of the only wi-fi equipped airlines that does not block inappropriate content. So besides the crying baby, the morbidly obese seatmate, the loud cell phone talker and the snorer, I now have to deal with "party in his pants" guy? I hope he's not the one sitting beside the emergency exit, or "open the hatch" will be too many entendres to handle.
• Women of the World: Camila Tavare. I'm including this NSFW link for all the Google sexytime searchers, who, we now know, are going to view her near-naked picture while on Alaska Airlines. Camila may be incredibly sexy, but she's 20 years old. Which means she could have been born in 1990. Andddddddd flaccid.
• Michelle Branch was in Maxim? Whose next, Vanessa Carlton?
• Happy Valentine's Day... The world's sappiest holiday is the best night of the year for no-strings sex ... "Something about the fact that it was Valentine's Day made me feel way sluttier than normal," said Jenny, 25. And now the mystery is solved. We now know who gets all those "For a good time call..." messages in rest stop bathrooms. It's Jenny.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: OK, not to get too graphic, but the (non-nude) sheer dress in this photo makes it look like she has cameltoe. And, in a fun fact, did you know Nick Cannon was on "All That" with Amanda? Neither did Mariah. Mariah is going to stab that bitch.
• Bynes: ""Some people still see me as a kid, but I'm a 23-year-old woman now." The Olsen twins are legal, too, but that still makes it creepy.
  
• Tiger's temptress: A photo spread with Tiger's mistress, Jaimee Grubbs. Jaimee says her first time with Tiger was "passionate and sweet." That sound you heard was Elin smashing an eight iron on Tiger's golf cart. BTW, Jaimee is not an attractive woman. Why has this not been brought up?
  
• 31 Things You Absolutely Did Not Need to Know: Snippets from real celeb autobiographies. Sarah Palin "If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?" Actually, he made them out of carbon, but why get technical. Carbon tastes delicious after a 20 minutes on the grill.
  
• For my British readers: London native Keeley Hazell, who is famous for being a Page 3 Girl (a semi-nude model) in The Sun newspaper. Clearly, I'm working at the wrong type of newspaper. Keeley says her big chest causes big backaches. This assuredly is true, but Maxim readers probably don't want to her busty girls say there back hurts. What's next, that girls don't like going down on guys?

To discuss a magazine review: From GQ to Wine Spectator

As of today, Capricorn and I have subscriptions to the following magazines:

1. Esquire
2. GQ
3. Cosmopolitan
4. Vanity Fair
5. Entertainment Weekly
6. Maxim
7. AARC Times
   
8. Respiratory Care Journal
   
9. Wine Spectator

We're not sure how Capricorn got subscribed to Wine Spectator. It just keeps showing up. Capricorn believes that now makes her a wino, not to be confused with a Winehouse, who also loves to drink wine but combines it with black tar heroin.

But that gives us 9 magazines. Wait! Ten magazines- I get ESPN the Magazine digitally.

Considering I'm in the media, and that I blog about Cosmo and Maxim (a Maxim review will be up soon), I think that's a good amount. Plus, I want to write for a magazine at some point. So its job research. It's much cheaper than buying them in the store. That, and I can save the embarrassment of trying to buy Cosmo for myself.

Entertainment Weekly and Vanity Fair were recent add-ons, as they were practically giving them away on Amazon.com. EW is the trash, VF is the class. Unless it's that naked Miley Cyrus issue. Then everybody's a loser.

Esquire and GQ are both for entertainment, style and great features. That, and a fair amount of thinly-veiled nipples, which in many ways are sexier than Playboy nipple -- I prefer to Where's Waldo my photo nipples, as you appreciate it much more when you find it.

So where does it stop? Do we keep adding subscriptions until we resemble gas station magazine rack? If we get any more magazines, I'll have to start drinking more fluids to add to my bathroom reading time. There's only so much time in the day.

Do we start subscribing to everything we see, from Cat Fancy to World of Warcraft Official Magazine to Girls & Corpses? Playboy keeps sending me offers in the mail for a steeply-discounted subscription, blithely unaware I can see all the nude girls I want online for free, or on most episodes of "True Blood." Eventually, Hef will learn about the World Wide Web.

What magazines do you subscribe to? If you answer World of Warcraft, please stop following my blog. I won't hold it against you. Society will, but I won't. But if you have a magazine subscription you're ashamed of, now is the time to confess. Meme this up...

To discuss a Cosmo review: January 2010

I'm confused by the January edition of Cosmopolitan magazine. It promises me 100 percent hotter sex ... which is impossible, because that means you were having 0% sex before. That means you were either getting it on with the Virgin Mary (and in that case, you may be Jesus' dad), or you are confused and thought having sex involved mommy and daddy and a stork.

But, because of all of you, I will read on and give you all the insight you need, saving you time and money in the process. There may even be a Maxim review on the way, too.

Side note: As part of my New Year's resolutions, I'm hoping to get an article published in a magazine at some point. I am confident I've got the skills to write for Cosmo, but have no idea what to pitch for a story. Ideas are welcome. I wonder if I should mention in my query letter that Ben and I wrote an entire fake Cosmo?

And now on to the Cosmo review... as always, don't read this if you don't like rated-R content or were offended by my Virgin Mary joke.
-------------------------

• Cosmo cover: Your Hoo-Ha Handbook: Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina. Step 1: Don't call it your hoo-ha. Step 2: I've never heard a guy say, "I'd date that girl, but her hoo-ha is just not sexy enough." Never.
  
• Hot Sheet: Kissing and Telling... Ijustmadelove.com lets people brag about where they got it on. I'm not sure yet if this site is disturbing, fascinating, arousing or all of the above. For instance, this guy in my state wrote that he and his girl got it on at an elementary school playground. But he doesn't mention how old the girl is ... hmm.
• Cover girl Amanda Bynes: Something about her is off-putting, and I can't figure out what. Might be that she's randomly on the recent covers of both Cosmo and Maxim. Might be the fake blond hair. Might be that I remember her on "All That" when she was 11, and now she's 23 and has boobs. This must be what Bob Saget felt like looking at Jodie Sweetin.
• Sexy vs. Skanky: Mary Carey's soccer ball cleavage is skanky. Somewhere, Snookie is sniffling and confused.
• Cosmo Guy Confessions: A guy and his girlfriend picked out a vibrator to buy at a sex shop, only to be told by the cashier that was a lousy model and to choose a different one. Imagined conversation: "Oh, no, you don't want Purple Thunder. Try our most popular brand, the Tiger Woods In My Hoo-Ha."
• The Guy Report: Dumb advice he's getting- 'There's nothing worse than staring at a girl's chest. You should use your skills not to look--she'll wonder why her womanly powers don't work, and she'll subconsciously try to get you to look.' On the other hand, Cosmo spend time each month advising women to use cleavage to their advantage. Something's got to give. Maybe women should just give guys 10 uninterrupted seconds to get the staring out of the way. Or guys can show more man cleavage to even things out. Either way.
• Sexy Tips from Victoria's Secret Models, such as bending forward when fastening a bra to get extra cleavage, or wearing boy-cut hipsters to feel sexy without silly lingerie. Andy's tip: Don't wear Angel Wings into the bedroom. You'll poke an eye out, and look like a slutty Tinkerbell.
  
• Your biggest girl-on-top worries, solved: 'What if I break his penis?' Bouncing too enthusiastically and missing the target... can hurt your guy. Make sure he doesn't pull out all the way. And if you do break his penis, you'll get the bonus benefit of seeing your man cry like a little bitch.
• Does Your Man Have A Sole Sex Problem? Tell him he's seemed dissatisfied during sex... then mention that you read in Cosmo that masturbating too much can make it hard to orgasm. Yep. You should definitely tell your boyfriend that you read about his masturbating problem in Cosmo and want to help. That won't be weird for him at all.
• Make Your Own Nude: Cut out your favorite hottie's head, and attach it to our model bod to create pure naked nirvana. Why go with their obvious choices, like Robert Pattinson or Brad Pitt?
  
  

Let's think outside the box:

Naked Mr. Feeny of Boy Meets World!

Naked Peter Griffin of Family Guy!

Naked Wild ARS Chase!

To discuss a Cosmo review: December 2009

I better get this December Cosmopolitan review to you, as the January one has already hit the shelves. That, and I know you need to use the money you'd use to buy Cosmo on presents instead. You stingy minx.

In this edition, we get news on what guys want with sex (My guess: having it), weird things guys shout out during sex, and a very, very strange product for your who-who. As always, if you think Cosmo is dirty filth, don't read this.

Although everyone should check the special message at the end. It's brought to you by Christmas cheer.

And now on to the Cosmo review...

• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Hey, an appearance by Cosmo fave, Aubrey O'Day. But, as usual, it's for a "Not So Hot" moment, as they dislike her "I Love Me" shirt. Can they just make her the cover subject already? Who wouldn't want to see them try to make her sound classy?
• Sexiest photo I've seen so far is about 46 pages in. Damn you, saucy JC Penney ads, with you and your come hither lingerie models.
• Cover subject Fergie: There's a one-line mention in her feature that she was addicted to meth. There are multiple paragraphs about her husband, Josh Duhamel. Don't be jealous, meth. Josh was in "Transformers." You're only featured in MTV "True Life" documentaries.
• Cosmo makes the argument girls are more likely to dig a guy who is already in a relationship. So while you hear guys say, "The good girls are already taken," evidently the girls say, "The good guys are already taken!"
• Quick side note: While I do this review on the December issue, my girlfriend is reading the January issue. This is what makes relationships work.
• Cosmo Hot or Not: Cosmo gives special skank recognition to "The Cuchini," which hides camel toe. Not to be confused with zucchini, which is for salads and vagi... yes, just salads. P.S. We both know you clicked on that link.
• "Hidden Secrets His Hug Reveals": Advice such as "The farther down your body his hands travel, the more fired up he is." Examples: If his hand is inside your pants, he is hoping to have sex with you. If his hand is by your ankles, well, get ready for an all-nighter.
• How much of Sarah Jessica Parker's original face do you think is left in this heavily-Photoshopped "Did You Hear About the Morgans?" ad, featured in Cosmo? 20 percent? 15?
• "Make His #1 Sex Wish Come True." Advice includes sending naughty photos and whispering in his ear you need to have sex with him -- now. This advice works so well, the near-naked male model being straddled by the gorgeous near-naked female model in the accompanying photo does not have an erection. At all. Maybe she needs to whisper louder."
• Bizarre In-Bed Outbursts": "He shoots, he scores!" Really, dude? Really? What did you score, conception of a bastard child?
• "Seven Habits That Are Giving You Belly Pudge." Examples: You Skips Meals, You Think Bread Is Bad, You Booze a Lot But Infrequently. Another possibility: You eat a lot, don't exercise and your New Year's Resolution is to find a more efficient way to suck the cream out of a Twinkie.
  

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On to something much more worthy of our attention. Some friends of mine, including Rainbow Eclipse, decided to skip the gift-giving this year and instead raise money for cleft-lip or cleft palete surgery for babies, done through Smile Train.
If you'd like to donate (say, the amount of money you saved by not reading Cosmo this month), please visit this link. I would have made this request it's own post, but I knew it's easier to get people's attention with Cosmo sex quizzes. I'm evil like that.

To discuss a Cosmo review: November 2009

It's been a few months since the last Cosmo review, after I went on Cosmo overload in August with a We Are Cosmo stog.

But Kim Kardashian's on the cover of the November 2009 edition, so you know I can't miss the opportunity. I've got all of you to think about. Let's get into Cosmo. As always, don't read this if you wear a WWJD bracelet.

• The cover alone offers a myriad of "duhs" Cosmo assumes readers are either idiots or virgins. "What He Thinks During Sex." Um, he thinks, 'Woohooooo! Booobbbiieeess!' "Kim Kardashian: The Mistake That Still Haunts Her- No, Not the Sex Tape"Actually, yes, the sex tape. "Bad Girl Issue: For Sexy Bitches Only" Good thing I renewed my sexy bitch permit.
  
• Are Cosmo readers secretly lesbians? There are a lot of ads with topless chicks. A lot.
• Cover subject Kim Kardashian: In the quiz, she says she's tired of having to defend my "butt!! It's real, OK!!!!" Kim, of course we know that. You proved it in your home exercise video ... Wait, that wasn't about home exercise? Yeah, right, and next you're going to tell me "One Night in Paris" wasn't a documentary on the perils of drug abuse.
  
• Kim says the sex video was a mistake, "and I don't make the same mistake twice." Next time, she'll get better lighting and an iTunes distribution deal.
• Cosmo Man Manual: Tear-away cards to take to the bar so you can decipher a guy's body language. I'll tell you this much: If you whip out a body language advice card while trying to decipher a man, you might as well call it a night. "Excuse me, Hottie McGuy, but can you not move for a second? I'm trying to figure out if you are subconsciously undressing me."
• Dear Cosmo: I appreciate you including a photo in the "Man Manual" section of a girl wearing a wife-beater with no bra, but it's worthless nipple. I can't get aroused by Cosmo nipple. It's like cleavage at church- you weren't supposed to see it in the first place, and when you do, you don't know what to do with it.
  
• Before They Were Hotties: I feel better knowing Brad Pitt had a double-chin before. Of course, he was a baby, but I'll take it.
• What He's Really Thinking During Sex: "When I see that those giant breasts she had really came form a push-up bra, it's a huge disappointment," Allan, 28. Also a disappointment, Allan: When she takes off your pants and find a balled-up tube sock.
• Another example: "Talking dirty is cool, but I do not want to be called Daddy by anyone in bed," Dan, 30. Totally acceptable alternatives, Dan: Step-Daddy, Lord of the Groin, or Pretty, Pretty Princess.
• "The New Way to Foreplay: Cosmo's uncovered some surprisingly sensitive parts of the body." How is it possible there are parts of the body Cosmo has yet to find erogenous? At this point, they are down to elbows, kidneys and heels. Here's a hint, Cosmo: Advise women to directly touch a man's Private Benjamin. We'll salute every time. Don't try to reinvent the penis.
• Cosmo's 2009 Bachelor Blowout: A hottie from every state. Capricorn thumbed through all the guys and found about 18 that were passable. She almost gagged at a few. We particularly enjoyed the guys who listed their interests as "playing the guitar," "surfing" or "generally being kind of a douche."
• There's an entire section about being a bad girl. Except, in Cosmo terms, all that seems to mean is that you are super, super, SUPER slutty and likely have a tramp stamp. Oh, and you swear like a trucker ... while having slutty slut sex with strangers.
  

To discuss a Maxim review: October 2009

It's been a few months since the last Maxim or Cosmo review, after taking time off to focus on We Are Cosmo. But, once I got the October edition of Maxim in the mail, I knew it was time to revive what is one of the guilty pleasures for Wild ARS Chase readers. Why? Look who's on the cover. It's a gold mine.

So here's the October 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

• Audrine Partridge is not not attractive, in the best use of a double-negative possible. She is in shape. She has long, wavy hair. She's got nice skin. And her boobs could milk multiple babies at once, a veritable boob trough. But... but... there's just something about her that makes me not want to fantasize about her. Ever. It might be the dead look in her eyes. It steals souls.
  
• Audrina is doing whatever it takes to convince me she is sexy. On the Contents page, she's wearing shear panties with a sports car behind her and a hose spouting water between her V-shaped legs. Funny- I figured she'd melt in water.
  
• Potentially awesome site: Koogle.co.Il It's a search site designed for Orthodox Jews so they can't "accidentally" stumble upon photos of immodestly-dressed women. Just like I used to "accidentally" stumble upon those same photos as a 13-year-old boy. I stand by my story, mom. Celebrity who by default will have no photos available through Koogle: Megan Fox. (note: I had trouble getting the site to work. Perhaps because I'm Presbyterian)
  
• Celebrity women must be terrified to go on the beach. Every inch of them is analyzed for perfection. For example: Maxim's Celebrity Beach Watch: 15 Hottest Bods, which is just a haphazard, random assortment of 15 women who happened to not have PMS bloating and did a few extra crunches the day paparazzi caught them seaside. I'm guessing the girls have nervous breakdowns just thinking about the ocean. Unless you're Jennifer Love Hewitt, and then you just say, screw what you think, I was in "Can't Hardly Wait."
  
• Women behinds bars: Maxim has a monthly feature with a bartender babe dispensing advice. Except the advice is almost always: "Just be confident and nice, and don't use dumb pick-up lines." That'd be great, if not for the fact women go home with the douche toolbag who compared her pants to a mirror.
  
• A great line by "Jennifer's Body" director Karyn Kusama, on watching her Megan-Fox led movie: "I hope it's a little bit more of a complicated experience than just giving guys boners." From what I've heard about the movie... well, at least it's got Megan Fox.
  
• Maxim recommends some new TV shows debuting this fall: Among them: Glee. I'm sure a lot of Maxim readers are into a show about glee club. Now, I watch the show, but I also read Cosmo. Side note: Glee is overrated, unrealistic and lacks focus.
  
• Unexpected awesome photo: "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley in a leather one-piece. Unexpected non-awesome related Google search: Maxim evidently ripped off the photo from a cover shoot last year for the international magazine, Arena. Maxim used the same, year-old photo, but flipped it around.
  
• Sex section: 'Today's Special: Your Waitress': Tips on how to sleep with a waitress. Advice includes things like don't excessively compliment or give huge tips. I'd try telling them to wear more flair, or not mentioning how you like the word "manure."
• Cover girl Audrina Patridge, "star" of slasher flick "Sorority Row": First thing- Audrina's boobs don't move. They have the same shape whether she's upright or bent over. Second thing: Her boobs are still more lifelike than Heidi's, which is like saying a zombie is more alive than a vampire. Third thing- She's got the same expression in every photo, an expression of "come hither/look I'm being sexy/is this going to be in a magazine like you promised, sir, because last time wasn't cool."
• Audrina, on her upcoming reality show, "The Audrina Show": "It's, like, real." Not sure what's left to be said.
  
• "The 13 Most Unintentionally Scary Movies Scenes of All Time." Entries include the baby coming out of Katie Heigl's vagina in "Knocked Up" and Kathy Bates' nude scene in "About Schmidt." Omitted: Seth Rogen's character having sex in Knocked Up.
• "Vampire Diaries" star Kayla Ewell is in six-inch heels, bejeweled panties, no bra and chewing on a piece of hay: Who hasn't been in that situation before? Maxim upholds its journalistic integrity once again.
• "Liquid Trust" ad for a scientifically-formulated (in some dude's basement) trust potion: Great, all we need are a bunch of lonely lunatics thinking they can convince a girl to trust them. "Get in my windowless van, it'll be safe in there, trust me. Oh, and drink this real quick."
  

To discuss today's the day you start taking me for realsies: It's Fake Cosmo day

If you read this post on Friday, you know what's up today.

If you didn't read this post on Friday, I'll assume you don't really love me and you only put out as a a way to get back at your stepdad.

Either way, it's time for me and Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster, to unveil our short-term blog:

We Are Cosmo.

Just typing that gave my fingers orgasms. Hold on, I have to clean up the keyboard.

One second.

OK, that's better. This will be one heck of a week for Ben and I, perhaps because we don't usually have anything going on and we'll take any cheap thrill we can get. But for you, blog readers, it'll be a special treat every day, with multiple articles basically ripped off from your favorite smutty magazine, Cosmo. Today, for example, there will be a sex quiz and an article about slutty shoes.

Enjoy it, and thank us later. Actually, enjoy it, and stop by Ben's blog to read about a contest he's holding for our big week (and also because he needs the attention. Poor Ben.)

UPDATE: And now you can check out the first article, a guest post by Finger Talks.

P.S. We Are Cosmo is best viewed on Firefox. Internet Explorer can make it weird, but then again, IE is just weird in general.

To discuss that one-year blogaversary surprise

A year ago this month, I started hearing voicesWild ARS Chase, as noted in my special post on the event that has since been commemorated by Hallmark cards and a Lifetime Original Movie starring David Spade and Elizabeth Berkley.

I had promised all of you a special surprise. If you follow me on Twitter, you'll know the surprise has kind of been revealed. For those who don't like 140-character snippets about what someone's having for lunch or how they just slept with the pizza boy, here you go:

Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster fame, has paired up with me for another co-blogging event. Some of you were clamoring for this...well, strongly suggested... well, said it wouldn't be the worst thing if Ben and I followed up on our first co-blog event last November, when we gave advice to guys.

How do you top such a thing?

With strippers and ice cream. But that's neither here nor there.

We created a fake Cosmo magazine.

Let that smolder for a second like a True Blood vampire in the sun*.

Starting Monday, you'll be treated to an entire week's worth of Cosmo-inspired articles, from some of the regulares features to a few of our own features, complete with artwork just like the magazine. It's almost like the real thing, except free and without the sense of shame. You'll never want another one of my silly reviews of Cosmo again. (I'll do them anyway because I'm a pushover.)

In this series, there are some photos that may cause people to disown us, there's lots of Cosmo-esque debauchery (just wait until you read Ben's cover story), and even a special guest writer.

Come back here or on Ben's blog Monday, and we'll direct you to the special short-term blog (a stog, as the kids say) we set up just for the occasion. I'll have daily reminders on here to remind you what's up that day, too.

Excited?
------------------------------
*As long as it's not Bill or Eric... or the Count from Sesame Street, either.

To discuss a Cosmo review: August 2009

Capricorn* and I have discussed an inherent flaw in men's and women's magazines. Men's magazines, such as GQ and Maxim, tell you how to get the girl through fancy possessions and pick-up lines. Women's magazines tell you how to make him stay through "mind-blowing" sex and reverse psychology craziness. Why isn't there a men's magazine that tells you how to keep a woman around through "100 ways to please your woman" and "Here's what she means when she says this," and a women's magazine that helps a girl "not get crazy jealous of all the guy's female friends" and "how to stop fooling yourself into thinking you can turn a bad boy into marriage material"?

On to the Cosmo August 2009 review (a lengthy one to make up for the lack of a July review). As always, don't pass Go or collect $200 if you think Cosmo is the devil's literature.

• He totally blew it when: Stories of guys blowing their chance. Example: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment...He proudly showed me the condom collection he had hidden in his closet." Could have been worse: "I was hanging out at this guy's apartment... He proudly showed me his shrunken head collection he had hidden in his freezer."
• Target has a perverted ad, listing 10 "Things that Sound Naughty, But Aren't." Examples: Purina Moist & Meaty, Scotch Packing Noodles, Caress Body Wash.... Just in case you missed it: Freakin' Target has a perverted ad!
• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Trends on the Rise Right Now: 1) Studly Stubble. "Women find stubble more attractive than any other kind of facial hair." Sweet! I've been going stubbley since the day after Sound of Music. I mean, my 'stache was pimp and all, but...
• Cosmo cover girl, Katy Perry: Did you know her real name is Katheryn Hudson, but she didn't want to be confused with Kate Hudson? My real name is Andy Samberg, but I didn't want to be confused with the Junk in a Box guy
  
• Katy says she decided to break away from the church (her parents are pastors) when she decided she wanted sex before marriage. The church decided to break up with Katy when they realized she kissed a girl and liked it.
• Katy's cat's name is Kitty Purry. I assume she's referring to an actual feline.
• Aubrey O'Day must be in the Cosmo Hall of Fame for her litany of appearances on Sexy vs. Skanky, this time for sucking face with Kathy Griffin.
• An ad for "The Ugly Truth," with Katherine Heigl. Is the ugly truth the fact the movie is so formulated I don't need to see it to know how it turns out?
• Cosmo Confessions: One girl was on a bus ride in Mexico, when the driver pulled over, concerned about a loud buzzing noise. He evacuated the bus, and eventually decided the noise was coming from the girl'sbagohwhatasurprise it's a hot pink vibrator. What is a surprise is that a vibrator sounds SO LOUD you can hear it on a shoddy Mexican tourist bus. Is her vibrator a jack hammer?
• "What His #1 Sex Style Reveals" Options include intensely sexy, sweet and slow, playfully unpredictable and fast & furious. Not included: intensely stalkerish, sweet and slowly choking you to death, playfully imagining kiddies and fast & furious as the cocaine allows.
• "Cosmo for Your Guy"... is full of ways to trick your girlfriend into having sex the way you want. Which, in the next issue, will become an article about why women need to take control in bed. Which,in the subsequent issue, will become an article about why men need to pick up on subtle hints in the sack. Nowhere to be found: Hey, just enjoy the fact you're having sex in a relationship without analyzing it like a football game.
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zack Morris) offers "10 Things Guys Wish You Knew," such as "Quiet confidence is incredibly sexy." Surprisingly, one of the options is not, "Don't kiss your on-stage romantic lead in a Shakespeare play because Kelly and A.C. will totally find out!" Sidenote: Watching Gosselaar's "Raising the Bar" on TNT. Thank me later.
• What is up with these damn "boyfriend jeans"? They aren't actually your boyfriend's- you bought them at the GAP, and you were single. You just want a reason to wear loose, comfortable jeans, an understandable thing. But let's be clear- you're wearing man jeans. You don't see GQ recommending "girlfriend jeans."
• Why do women always look so happy shaving in the ads? I only hear about them complaining.
• Dear Cosmo: Please stop insinuating men are lustful, porn-obsessed pervs. Because the two photos in your "Cosmo Sex Poll: 6,000 Horny Guys Tell All!" are basically porn. Unless Christianity is completely wrong and it's totally cool looking at a girl take it from behind in the shower.
• Sample results from the poll, done with askmen.com: "The hottest thing a woman can say when she sees you naked is, "I want you inside me," at 56 percent. Hmm. I figured it's "Ooh, look how cute that is. I just want to pinch it!"
• Another: "When we're done with sex, I would love if she..." Number one answer by guys is "Cuddled up with me in bed." Fifth-place: "Rolled over and left me alone." Ladies just can't get enough of those hit it and quit it types.
• Oh crap. Well, the AskMen survey just killed my point above about Cosmo making us into pervs. "What can she do to ensure that she's on your mind all day." Send you a romantic card? No. Make you cookies? Nope. Popular answers: Dirty texts, naughty pictures, phone sex, sticking thong in coat pocket.
• One of Cosmo's suggestions on how to get your man to change an annoying habit is to have your friends tease him. That's just kick-me-in-the-crotch fantastic advice, and I'm sure it won't blow up in your face.
• "Turn Him Into the Orgasm Whisperer" by using lube. Four out of five gay guys can't be wrong!
• Terrible advice of the month: A girl in a college engineering program only has male students to hang out with, and thinks they might be a cockblock. Cosmo advices her to use the nerds to help her meet a hot guy at the bar, saying she should offer "whoever helps you meet a cute dude gets a free drink." At least Cosmo isn't shallow and didn't completely overlook the fact one of those nerdy engineers might think she's hot and would lose all self-esteem if she said that... not Cosmo. Not the Cosmo I know.-

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* Capricorn is my girlfriend, for new readers. Check here to find out why.

To discuss a Maxim review: July

My August Cosmo review will come as soon as Cosmo decides to bestow its latest edition upon my mailbox. They are hella slow. But Maxim? Once I subscribed (for blog purposes, people), I not only got the latest issue, I got two recent ones. Customer service!
Here's the July 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

• I'm not sure if Olivia Wilde is showing her nipple on the cover shot in her sheer top, or if I just spilled something. Not sure I can get aroused over cola. Hey, who am I kidding.
• Olivia is already setting new marks in the "not naked, but as close as I can get it" with the Contents page. She's wearing two strips of fabrics-- literally, just strips of fabrics-- hung vertically over her boobs. I admire her dedication and her apparently cold-resistant nipples.
• Why do Newport ads look like they are stuck in the late 1980s? It's almost like they stopped trying and figured, "Hey, our customers are going to smoke anyways, why try to impress nonsmokers with the latest advertising designs?"
• New pop singer Jessie James decided to up her credibility quotient with the ever-classy Q&A-plus-photo of my button up shirt not buttoned. I have yet to bump into a girl on the street who just thought it be better to go braless with an unbuttoned shirt. Maxim is a liar.
• Surviving the Barbecue From Hell: Maxim offers tips on everything from helping an uncle who is choking to fighting off a bear attack. Not mentioned: How fend off a Yogi the Bear attack. I suggest putting a steel claw inside the pic-a-nic basket.
• Maxim Music Reviews: Maxim recommends Wilco, Mars Volta and... Rob Thomas?!? Did someone transport me back to eighth grade, and I just missed it? Oh, crap, that means I'm 30 pounds lighter, have braces and no social skills. But I've got Matchbox 20!
• Stuff: Fill Your Inner Emptiness With Material Goods... '10 Chevy Camaro vs. '10 Ford Mustang: I appreciate Maxim for having no pretenses. And I also appreciate the photo of the Camaro, which in a certain light arouses me and most men on a level only Olivia Wilde will match in this issue.
  Riding out the Recession: The market may have gone bust, but your sex life is about to go boom. A Maxim reporter interviewed a few Slutty McSlutterstonsfemales who all said the recession is making them hornier then ever. They are willing to try *ahem* new things and have as much sex as they can to get their mind off the recession. If only they would have been like that a year ago, a few choice bank execs may have been too busy to go to work and make terrible loan decisions, and we could have avoided this whole fiasco. Shame on you, Slutty. For shame.
• Sex slang terms: Spider-man- "When a man throws a handful of his own baby batter." Gaylord Perry- "Use spit as a sexual lubricant." Now, I dare you to use both of those terms in a conversation tomorrow. Go!
• Cover girl Olivia Wilde, star of "Year One": I've watched just about every episode of House, and have never seen Olivia Wilde in the context she's in for this photo spread. Maybe that's because doctors aren't allowed to walk around with only their hair covering their nipples (sanitation issue). Olivia was chosen as Maxim's Number 1 Hottie. Does she get a trophy? Is the trophy one giant, slightly covered nipple?
• Olivia responds to Megan Fox's comment that Olivia makes Megan "want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands." Olivia thinks it's flattering. Well then, Olivia, you make me want to castrate a puma using a Q-tip and a lighter! Let's hook up!
• Lady GaGa has a photo spread in a black leather bikini (video). Judging by her flawless skin--and I mean, Beyonce looks like a leper in comparison-- I'm guessing the Photoshop guy got slipped a little extra. Unless GaGa bathes in shea butter and fairytales.
• Christina Milian even has her own photo spread: Who is Christina Milian, you ask? Well, if you didn't see "Ghosts of Girlfriends Past" with Matty McConaughey (no one did), then let me give you a hint: ".... Poke it out like your back broke. Pop, pop, pop that thing/I'm a show you how to make your man say "Oh!"
• Girls Gone Wild ad, offering the free DVD, "Top 50 Breasts EVER!": Is that 50 single breasts, or 25 pairs? I think it's misleading if it's 25 pairs, GGW. I would love to see your criteria, however: A) Did she show her boobs 'cause we asked? B) Are they even or lopsided? C) Is she barely legal? D) Does she have low self-esteem? .... Not in next Girls Gone Wild ad: "50 Best Creative Thinkers, plus 25 Outstanding Female Scientists! Fully clothed but with intellectual capacity!"
  

To discuss a Maxim review: May

To balance out the Cosmo reviews, I started doing Maxim magazine reviews. Maxim is unabashed when it comes to near-naked women. It comes right out and shows it, an emerging trend in magazines overall. Next thing you know, "Field & Stream" will have a full page spread of naked people getting their buck on.
Here's the May 2009 review. There's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work. Also, please read a Bible afterward:

• "Fighting" movie star Zulay Henao, who is wearing a bra, panties and four-inch stilettos (the five-inchers would have made her look whore-y) reveals her first kiss was with a guy named Sergio, when they were playing house together as kids. Her mom got mad, "and I was done seeing Sergio." Yeah, and now Sergio is holding your two-page spread with one hand and slowly reaching for a pistol with the other.
• Stop a Chimp from Eating Your Face: Protect your 'nads. An angry chimp may end up castrating a male." As if I don't have enough to worry about, now I have to look out for runaway Chewbacca going ape s*** on my banana bunch. (Any other ape jokes can be inserted here)
• Ask Maxim: Q: Why is my girlfriend so clingy? A: She has separation anxiety. Or maybe because Cosmo is telling her that she needs to check up on her man constantly so he doesn't forget about her.
  
• A feature on "Sit Down, Shut Up," a new animated show on Fox that premiered in April... and has been canceled by the time I did this review.
• Multiple pages on hybrid cars, waterproof watches and mountain bikes...This section could also be called: "See, we're more in depth than just Jennifer Love Hewitt's cleavage. But, if you like that, she's on page 58"
• Stuff for Her: Surprise her with a scooter. 1) The chick on the scooter is wearing a one-piece, side-cut out leotard with no bra... because that's what you'd wear to ride a scooter 2) Buy her a scooter. Go ahead. Tell me how that works out for you.
• Maxim staffers try to recreate famous movie sex scenes, like from "Ghost" and "Risky Business" and "Titantic." The Titanic guy says it's too difficult to draw your lady, nude, then convince her to go to your car and have sex in the backseat. I'd be much more worried about the fact that a few hours after sex, you have to wade in the freezing ocean, while she comfortably floats on a door.
• Did you know Jennifer Love Hewitt is "our generation's hottest starlet"? Maxim does. And here, I thought it was Scarlett Johannson, Jessica Alba or Topanga from "Boy Meets World" (dudes know what I'm tokkin 'bout!)
• Did you know the "Ghost Whisperer" is a ratings juggarnaut? How did that happen?
• Did you know JenLove just turned 30? That makes her a puma!
• "105 Greatest Geek Flicks of All Time!" Anything to make them feel they've got a shot with Megan Fox, the magazine's hottest sci-fi chick (oh, you totally do, dude. She thinks your Transformer action figure collection is h-o-t.) Transformers, evidently, counts as sci-fi. I can think of lots of other things to call that movie.
• Take a look at this photo of "Star Trek" director J.J. Abrams, then finish this sentence: "J.J., what is that veiny, thick, long _____ you're holding?"*
• An interview/photo spread with "Fast & Furious" star Jordana Brewster. I'd tell you more about what she said, but I was too busy staring at her thighs... and wondering if I should make her a cheeseburger or some cookies or something. At this rate, next year she'll be in a commercial, with an old white dude telling me I can sponsor her for just 10 cents a day.
  

* Correct answer: Tentacle. I'd also except penis.

To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: May

It's long past due. Well, not really, because it's still May, but you know how magazines come out a month in advance. So here's What I Learned from Cosmo, May edition (here's April's edition). If you think Cosmo is smut, please do not read. If you're smutty yourself, read on.

• May's cover subject, Whitney Port from MTV's The City, admits she breaks down in tears a couple times a week from the stress of being on a reality television show. Whitney, not sure if you know this, but that's not normal. You may want to reconsider your life decisions if you are crying all the time. Unless the crying is part of the script.
  
• For Whitney's Cosmo quiz, she reveals she's never eaten pasta and she's addicted to soy lattes. You must be a real fun dinner date.
• The sexiest new kind of a woman: A puma, which is a woman in her 30s who likes younger dudes. Cosmo, always on top of things, includes a photo of a couple canoodling... and the "puma" in it looks like her mom might be 30-something. Phew. That was close. Cosmo almost showed a woman past college age in their magazine.
• Cosmo also makes this broad generalization: "Women are becoming entrenched in their careers right after college" instead of getting married. Except for the dozens of women I graduated with who are now married. They're just exceptions. And all of your female friends, too. Other than that, so true!
  
• How exactly does Cosmo get so many men to contribute their "Guy Confessions"? Do the girlfriends force them to do it?
• Cosmo editor Guy Henderson in "The Guy Truth": "Q: I found some e-mails my boyfriend wrote to girls who posted ads on Craigslist wanting to hook up. He said he was just playing. Why did he really do it? A: Because he wants to have sex with other women"... And please schedule a visit with your gyno, as you've probably got Craigslist Chlamydia by now.
  
• Get More Looks for Less: Budget-conscious outfits. Just so you know, Cosmo considers it budget-conscious to buy a $110 belt. We'll get out of this recession, America, one Cosmo-backed budget belt at a time.
• I don't care what they say, swimsuit tube tops like the one Katherine Heigl is wearing are not flattering. The cut makes it look like you've got granny boobs. Talk about Grey's Anatomy.*
  
• "What Guys Know About Sex That You Don't" offers such (somewhat sage) advice as "You're always doable," "Your crotch is awesome" and "Practice makes perfect." But, if you look closer, you realize Cosmo is telling women they should just fantasize about sex and masturbate all the time. Which is fine, if the woman is channeling her inner 14-year-old boy. But in reality, it might just be best to not overthink things and believe him when he says you're sexy. That goes a lot farther than double-clicking your mouse five times a day.
• "Wedding Day Freak-Outs: How to distinguish between normal nervousness and serious cold feet." Example: You feel like you're on pins and needles versus You have a lingering sense of foreboding. Or: You have trouble deciding which dress to pick versus You're worried about the fact you're a dirty whore.
• Advertisement for Yaz birth control. Me, to Capricorn: "Why do women always look so happy in birth control ads?" Capricorn: "Because they're not pregnant."
• There is a multi-page spread on "Make Waves: Glam up chic swimsuits with sophisticated accessories." This is a clear case of women dressing for other women. Ladies, if you are wearing a teenie bikini and are relatively in shape, guys are going to think you look hot. We could care less about bangles, purses or necklaces to help you "rule the sand." We just think, "Hey, her butt looks nice." Also, a smile goes a long way.
• "Guy Truths They'd Tell If They Had the Guts": "Your dad's not as nice to us as you think he is," "Anything bedazzled is bad news,"... and "You spent HOW MUCH on a belt?"
• Repel a Peeping Tom: Plant something thorny, like a small cactus or rosebush, in front of your windows to keep Peeping Toms... at a distance. Yes, because a Peeping Tom would think, "Man, I'd watch this girl getting naked by using my binoculars and my telephoto lens, but there's a damn cactus by her window. I guess I'll just go home and watch porn instead."
• "50 Things to Do Naked." Among the asinine suggestions: "Take a strip class. Look on Craigslist... and find a private instructor." Because there are so many legitimate strip class instructors on Craiglist... you might want to plant several cacti by your door before the "instructor" arrives.
• Cosmo Gyno: "Why do my roommates and I get our periods together" It's God's way of punishing your boyfriends.

* Hey-yooo!

Check out the new links (and the new graphic!) at the top of the main page, including a link for all my past Cosmo/Maxim recaps. See, I was productive this weekend.

To discuss Maxim: Infiltrating the March 2009 edition

Judging by my poll, you like the Cosmo reviews I've been doing, if only because it saves you $4. Well, to be fair, I thought I'd do a Maxim review as well so you ladies and gay guys can get insight on what men are reading. Cost: $6. Yes, $6, even though it's half the size of Cosmo. I'm going to write it down as a business expense.
Here's the March 2009 review. There's links to some of the photos so I could make this post safe for work. Also, you may want to read a Bible afterward:

• First ad: Girl having sex. Second ad: Girl with plunging neckline dress. Third ad: Girls in bikinis. Yep, this is Cosmo Maxim, alright.
• There's a joke page (which will really help me out the next time I'm at a college frat party.) Example: "Q: How do you know if you're really ugly? A: Dogs close their eyes when humping your leg." Or you get cast as the misunderstood one on America's Next Top Model.
• A photospread of Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano: I can't fathom the amount of boob tape she must be using. She has on a swimsuit with thin vertical strips of fabric covering her boobs, but she is laying/lying/lain/flat on the ground and her boobs are still in the proper position. Is that the goal for every woman- wear an outfit one day that requires boob tape?
• Porn to Be Mild- How adult stars have fared going from XXX to mainstream film. Sly Stallone (he was in 1970's "The Party at Kitty") was deemed most successful, right after Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. There's still time, Kim Kardashian. There's still time.
• Cover girl- Eliza Dushku, of "Buffy" and now "Dollhouse," says she likes chess and guys with scars. Somewhere, Stephen Hawking is grabbing a scapel and staring at his arm, saying (in robot voice): "I've. Got. A. Shot. I've. Got. A. Shot."... Here's a summary of Eliza's photo spread: Eliza spread out on a fur rug with her butt sticking out. Eliza on her hands and knees in lingerie. Eliza back on the fur rug with her stocking-covered feet in the air. Eliza putting a suggestive finger near her mouth while she wears an impossibly lifting bustierre. Eliza leaning back while a bra strap falls perilously off her shoulder.
• Shorter summary of Eliza's photos: Sex, sex sex sex, sex, sex, wad of tissues grabbed by lonely men.
• Capricorn's summary of Maxim-style lingerie photos: "What's the point? Don't buy this pussy crap. If you're buying this to get off, there's a lot better stuff out there" she advises men of the world.
  
• Newport cigarettes ad includes Surgeon General's Warning: Except the warning is advising pregnant women not to smoke. That's the warning you're going with in a Maxim ad, Newport? You think a lot of family-oriented, married men are reading Maxim, see this ad and think, my GOD I better tell my knocked up wife she better stop smoking! More plausible for these readers: My GOD I better tell my knocked up stripper mistress she better stop smoking!
• Do you know who Danneel Harris is? No? She's got a three-page photo spread, one involvin her licking a cupcake like it's the last dollop of sexual satistifaction on Pastry Planet. Danneel, evidently, is the star of Fired Up, the movie about two guys infiltrating a cheerleading camp. Danneel reveals this tidbit about her on-screen antics: "Simulated lesbianism bonds you quicker than anything."
• Maxim's 2009 Sex Survey: Well, at least Maxim and Cosmo share their love for this kind of stuff. Here are some results of a survey of women:
• 18 percent lost their virginity before age 15. I didn't even know how to lose my virginity before age 15.
• 0.6 percent have had more than 100+ sexual partners; about 4 percent had between 30-99. And yet, just 1.1 percent had zero partners. So, basically, you're more likely to bump into Mary Carey than the Virgin Mary. Strap two on, boys.
• About 49 percent of women have tried _____. I'll let you guess. It doesn't involve another woman. But it might involve walking like a cowboy the next day.
  
• About 62 percent of women said they wouldn't let a guy pee on her. Only 62? Threesome came in at 8 percent. If the guy pees on you during a threesome, well, I just don't know what follies would ensue.
  
• Maxim's advice on "Scoring on St. Patrick's Day"- Tell her you really like her shoes, and show her you have friends so she doesn't think you're a dangerous sociopath. Even better: Tell her your friends with Manolo Blahnik.
  
• Personal note: The manner in which men's magazines and women's magazines treat readers is startling and, in all actuality, sad. Women's magazines tell readers they aren't pretty enough, don't sleep around enough, sleep around too much, need tons of cosmetics, should stop buying cosmetics, and should constantly try to please their guy to the brink of overanalyzing every one of his words. Men's magazines tell readers they should have all the latest gadgets, stare at women's breasts and have the latest gadget that helps you stare at women's breasts. Although, I'll say that men's magazines are more likely not to use a third-grade vocabulary (ahem, Cosmo?)