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Monday, November 16, 2009

To discuss Christmas songs, Fa la la la la, la la la already?

I was quick to write Thanksgiving a letter last week to apologize for Christmas stealing the proverbial holiday thunder.

At the same time, I should confess I've been singing Christmas music for a week now. Before you throw flaming crosses and ninja stars at me, let me explain.

No, it's not because the motherf&*@$# GAP decided it's the holiday shopping season.* It's because I'm singing in a trio now, and we're got a holiday program coming up. Unlike the Bayside Choir, we can't simply just ask Tori Spelling to guest star and hide a malfunctioning boom box beneath the risers. We've got to practice.

For my solos so far, I'll be doing "I'll Be Home for Christmas," "The Christmas Song," and possibly "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" or "Christmas Time Is Here." I've also got a bunch of duets to practice, from "White Christmas" to "Silent Night."

And I'm also doing the David Bowie part in the Bing Crosby duet, "Peace on Earth"; my partner doesn't agree with me she should smoke a pipe and say things like "Yes, that's swell," or "Get back here boy before I beat you with my belt." I guess she's not as committed as I am... I was planning to dress like Ziggy Stardust.

Not considered, because it's the devil's music: "Christmas Shoes."

So I've been listening to Christmas music in my car as preparation. And that brings me to the new poll. What Christmas song played a month or more in advance would make you feel like murdering someone?

For instance, if someone played "Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer" in a grocery store right now, I'd amputate my arm and beat a baby senseless with it. But if I heard "Carol of the Bells" from the Home Alone soundtrack, I'd be in the holiday spirit and may even donate to the Salvation Army.**

So take a minute and vote in the poll on the right side. And a Merry November to you and yours.

* Capricorn loves this non-holiday GAP commercial with Juliette Lewis. I prefer the "Fall Into the Gap" years.


** Dear Salvation Army: When you put an ATM swipe machine on top of your kettle, you will get a donation from me. Until then, stop making me feel guilty for your lack of technology, just because I don't carry cash. I haven't carried cash in five years. I am considering putting a competing, ATM-ready kettle beside yours, with a sign saying "Donations Go to Support Child Molesters In Need." And I'd still blow you out of the water.

13 comments:

Ben said...

Download Lady Gaga's Christmas Tree. It'll give you enough material for four blog posts at least.

Soda and Candy said...

I don't mind any particular Christmas song actually, but hearing all of them on a loop everywhere I go might wear a bit thin.

sj said...

Write in candidate: Dominic the Donkey.

I have zero tolerance for the Christmas Ass.

Andy said...

Ben- Are you trying to kill me?
Soda- If you hear them in Nov., then by December...
SJ- Excellent write-in.

Amy xxoo said...

I'm going with Rudolph - i already here a few times a day and i'm sure by the time Christmas actually rolls around my patience will have worn thin.
My boss decorated our office for Christmas TWO WEEKS AGO, and there is a little red robin ornament that plays " Rudolph" whenever someone claps at it. Which is pretty much every child that comes into my office.
I think a few more weeks of that and i'll be shoving that red robin right up my bosses Christmas Spirit....

BeckEye said...

Why don't you bust out a little Ramones - "Merry Christmas (I Don't Wanna Fight Tonight)?"

And yes, that Christmas shoes song should be outlawed.

Jill Pilgrim said...

I hate Christmas. Except for the whole Jesus part. I'm totally down with Jesus. I mostly just hate seeing my family. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I hate my family. <- This is how I make your blog about me.

P said...

I always try to ignore the bad songs when they're on and play "Fairytale of New York" in my head to tune them out. It always works...

stealthnerd said...

I'd like to thank you for posting that Gap commercial. I definitely spent the next 20 minutes watching all of my other favorite old Gap commercials. Including the Mellow Yellow one with Rashida Jones.

Andy said...

Amy- Understandable. That's just obnoxious the boss decorated that early. That's coal-in-stocking worthy.
Beck- Yeah, that's a solid, solid option. See, there are plenty of viable, long-term holiday songs, aren't there? I'm looking at you, Christmas Shoes.
Jill- At least you're not bitter, cause that would suck.
P- Nice strategy.
Stealth- Like I really needed to give you a reason to blow off 20 minutes watching Gap ads.

FunnyGal KAT said...

If I find out you sang "Christmas Shoes," I will never read your blog again. Also, I will take all your readers with me, I will convince Capricorn to leave you and I will move Tyra Banks into your house to film "ANTM" episodes there. Oh, have I mentioned how much I hate that song?

I was dying reading your letter to the Salvation Army! I, too, never carry cash and would probably blindly donate to any charity that allowed me to use my debit card. Well done!

Elliot Thresher said...

Whitney Houston's covers of Christmas music will make anyone go Kwanzaa.

*~Dani~* said...

Although I am not yet singing Christmas music, I must admit that I do like this year's new Gap holiday commercial. I am not sure what this says about me so I have already forgotten I told you.

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