To discuss letters and standup

Hey dear, lovely people. Hope your holiday stuff was all candy canes and liquor or whatever the kids say these days. I took that time to relax some, and, of course, keep pushing on all this comedy stuff I've got brewing. Sometime soon, I'll update you on my improv troupe.

But for now, let's take a look at my standup routine from last night's open mic. I tried an all-new format that, if you've read this blog for any period of time, will sound awfully familiar. It was a big risk ... and it paid off! I've done more than a half-dozen open mics now, and it seems to be getting better and better. Hmm.

(Here's the video link)

I put a couple samples below for those of you who hate watching videos online. And also, please list any Facebook buttons you'd like to see offered. Let's make this mother interactive.

Dear Neighbor:

We're now several days into 2011, and your holiday decoration is still up. I see it every day when I come home. I thought New Year's would get you some motivation to take it down, but you refuse. It's getting embarrassing. I mean, c'mon. And you're still trying to light it! How long am I supposed to look at a jack o' lantern anyway?

Watching you,

Your neighbor

Dear Facebook:

A lot of people want you to add a "Dislike" button for status updates. That's not nearly far enough Facebook. Might I humbly offer some of these suggestions. A "Hate" button. A "That's What She Said" button. A "Just So You Know I Read All Your Status Updates and Look Through All Your Photos" button. And a "Am I supposed to be impressed and compliment the photo you posted of yourself looking pensive, you douchebag," button.

Sincerely,

Andy

To discuss a first time for everything, but this time it's stand-up comedy

I actually did it.

Last night, I went to an open mic comedy night at a local comedy club, and performed a five-minute set (actually, it turned into 7 minutes, which is a good thing).

Consider my bucket list checked off.

And the interesting thing was that people actually thought I was funny. And not polite funny, which is how you laugh when a relative tells a story you've heard 100 times and you give a slight guffaw in their honor. By the way, people don't guffaw enough anymore. Let's work on that.

No, I mean people laughed on purpose. Now, there's lots of stuff I have to work on, but we got past the first hurdle on trying to do stand-up comedy: Are you the worst thing that's ever happened?

The answer, as of last night, is no. Good start.

So here's the video of the performance. Couple points:

1) There were tons of abortion jokes by other comics, so that's why I pointed it out. One involved aborting Jesus. Jaws were dropped. Baby Jesus cried.

2) Once I got up there, I didn't feel nervous at all. Actually, it felt very comfortable. I was considering moving up there permanently, but there's no bathroom or sofa on stage, so it wouldn't work out long term.

3) Sorry my head gets cut off some- I didn't quite set the tripod right.

4) Thanks to the people who came to support me

5) People love a good Oregon Trail reference. And if you've read this blog, you know I like to make one. Just wait until I write some Saved by the Bell material.

Here's the link to the video, if that works better.

To discuss a video I can't believe I'm actually showing you

Seriously, I can't believe I'm showing you this.

No, it's not a video of me performing gymnastics as a child- I'm sure that exists somewhere, but it's on VHS, and who has a VCR anymore? Well, other than the person who just read that and thought, "Hey, I have a VCR!"

This is a video of me practicing my stand-up routine. If you didn't see my fleeting mentions before, I've decided to knock something off my bucket list. And since Natalie Portman refuses to answer my calls or try on the outfit I sent her, I've decided to try to do an open mic night at some point this fall.

Doing stand-up comedy and writing funny things on the Internet are very different things. For instance, I can't use asterisk jokes when I'm doing stand-up.*

* And who doesn't appreciate a nice asterisk joke? ... Maybe if I hold up a sign to the crowd with an asterisk on it ...

I also have to rely on actually saying the words instead of letting you just read them in whatever voice you use in your head when you're reading. I've always regretted that I didn't choice a nice British voice for my reading voice. Alas.

But I though I owed it to you to at least show a short clip of me practicing at home, in front of an audience of a sleeping chiweenie while using a Tivo remote for a mic. And it's not to get validation, either. I figured it'll help get me over the hurdle of eventually convincing myself to go in front of a live audience (and this coming from someone who does theater all the time).

And, considering you're not watching it live, I don't have everything entirely memorized and there's no laugh track, it'll sound awkward as hell ... which I suppose is how I am anyway, so what the heck... At some point, I'll do another video right before I actually go to an open mic night, so I can show my progress, like those before and after weight-loss photos.* But at least this is a start. Apologies for hesitation at the start of the video - I almost forgot what I was going to say ... and I was practicing alone. That's just sad. (Here's the link in case the video doesn't work on this page on your computer.)

* Except those quite obviously aren't shot with the same people, not unless weight loss also makes you tanner, have nicer teeth and changes your face.



And now that you've lost your faith in humanity's ability to make you laugh, please watch two clips of someone who I really do find funny, Tommy Johnagin, who came in second on "Last Comic Standing" and is hilariousishness and kinda has my style, except he's, you know, polished and gooder.