To discuss something I just learned about women

I know a thing or two about women, not the least of which are tidbits such as:
1) They never want you to reply if you are asked if they look fat
2) They always like hugs, unless they are sweaty and then eww gross I'm disgusting
3) They have fantasized about Leonardo DiCaprio. Or is that Kate Winslet? I can never remember.
4) They are afraid of bears.

But, according to Someone in the Know, I recently learned this:

If two women like the same guy, they will exchange catty comments to each other to display who the guy likes best...

Example:
"Haha, Andy and I were just laughing at an inside joke. It's great, not that you'd get it because you weren't there."
"Oh, well that's fine. I was just writing Andy a handwritten note, because I know he prefers those. It's OK that you stick to emails. I'm sure he doesn't mind that much."
"No problem at all. While you're doing that, I'm taking care of his dog. You know, his dog really likes me. Andy says his dog only likes certain kinds of people. Too bad he doesn't like you, so sorry."
"On a related note, I heard you're a bitch, you dirty slut."

And so on.

Now, you'd never hear guys talk in passive-aggressive tones like that. If we don't like someone, we stop talking to them, yell at them or light their loved ones on fire. It's a simple system. But women? Noooooo. It's evidently much better to take subtle digs at each other to see which one breaks first.

I knew women were catty, but I wasn't aware there's some kind of system in place that you can trade barbs back and forth to establish superiority over who will eventually get a guy. Here's a secret, ladies: We're oblivious to all that, and instead are choosing based on who makes us feel the best, who gets along with our family/friends, and who has nicer boobs/butt/legs/eyes/kidneys.

To discuss things I know at the age of 27

I recently had a guy mistake me as someone who is 22, not 27. Considering how young 22 sounds now, I was both flattered and confused.

I also spent the weekend reliving some of my college glory, however fleeting and completely in my head it was.

Then I was flipping through Esquire's cool feature* with women ages 18, 27, 35 and 44 offering advice on what they've learned and what they think of life at their age.

* Esquire, how often do I have to flatter you before you read my blog and decide to hire me? I'm not above blowing you**.

** kisses.

Damn it if that's not all perfect blog fodder (Reality is just a series of events leading up to blog post ideas, after all, as Jenners might say).

So let me offer to you ...

Things I Know At the Age of 27

• High school wasn't nearly as dramatic as I thought it was, and college was more dramatic than it needed to be. But at no point did any of it resemble "Dawson's Creek"
• Devon Sawa and Jonathan Taylor Thomas will never live up to their early potential. Danielle Fishel remains strangely alluring.
• My childhood references qualify as nostalgic. I'm not sure how to take that.
• There is no preparation upon college graduation that gets you ready for the next phase of life. No, not the work phase. The "I suddenly care about laundry detergent effectiveness" phase of living on your own
• Boobs are as magical now as they were a decade ago, but cleavage itself has become sexier
• Check that: A confident woman has become sexier
• Life is easier with a dog in it
• Life is more expensive with a dog in it
• Checking insurance rates every year is worthwhile and can save you a lot of money
• Earning more money only means spending more money, not actually having more money
• It's also worthwhile to threaten the cable company with canceling your account every year so they lower your rates
• I've saved myself hundreds of dollars since I graduated college by haggling with everyone from credit card companies to mechanics. I didn't learn to haggle to be miserly. I did it because I couldn't afford otherwise
• I will never feel successful enough
• Aunt Becky on Full House got drunk one night and had a one-night stand with either Danny or Joey or both. This I cannot be dissuaded from.
• The Pittsburgh Pirates will never be good again. I will never stop rooting for them.
• I enjoy complaining about being exhausted
• I wouldn't care about what's going on with 80 percent of my Facebook friends if Facebook didn't exist, and they wouldn't care about me. And that's not a bad thing
• Women will never truly have nothing wrong when they say nothing is wrong
• Women don't find it sexy when a man is needy, is without ambition, or is on Celebrity Fit Club.
• Women aren't more or less complicated than they were when I was a teenager. They are just more in tune with what they don't like about themselves and more likely to know what they don't like about you.
• 23-year-old self should have held on to that paid-off Camry until it died.
• I was a fool to think I was a good writer coming out of college. And in a decade, I'll realize I was a fool to think I was a good blog writer.
• My married friends have the same problems I do, but with one other person to commiserate with
• MTV is no longer targeting my demographic.
• TLC is targeting my demographic.
• I think about demographics now.
• Organic milk last much longer in the fridge than regular milk, which alone makes it worth buying.
• People don't think often enough about where their food came from or what's in it. The grapes in my grocery store are from Chile. The salmon in the frozen food section was farmed. That doesn't mean both don't taste good, but I can't eat things in ignorance like I used to.
• That doesn't mean I can't eat Burger King. Let's not get f****** crazy.
• It's not Jesus that makes me second-guess using f-bombs in blogs. It's the people worshiping Jesus.
• Some of the nicest, kindest people you will ever meet are church goers. Some of the most misguided, narrow-minded people you will ever meet are church goers. The hypocritical ones who give church a bad name are the people who think they are acting out the former when they are really the latter.
• The song "Jesus Take the Wheel" assumes Jesus has a valid license.
• The president of the United States has much less of a direct impact on my life than state Senators and Representatives. And even they don't have as much of a direct impact as CEOs of major corporations that set market value for things I consume on a daily basis. But I can't vote for or against those people. That's why real change will never happen - we aren't set up that way.
• Guys my age are starting to complain about thinning or graying hair, aching bones, and growing bellies. But all we really care about, but will never discuss, is when erectile dysfunction will kick in

Now it's your turn... blog post or comment it up and let me know what you've learned by your age. Or the age you pretend you are.

To discuss offering advice via Yahoo! Answers

I've been told often that I give great advice, which I find flattering, albeit hollow, since every piece of advice I've given I heard first from Boy Meets World's Mr. Feeney. Still, I thought I'd take a crack at answering some of the pressing questions on Yahoo! Answers.

These are actual questions. The link to each question is provided. I just hope these people appreciate what I've done for them.

Question 1:
Q: Girls ,what would you dress a guy in ,if he ask you to dress him up like a girl? if a guy wanted you to dress him in something really soft and feminine , stockings ,heels ,makeup ,silky lingerie , dress, wig with hairbow/ribbons/bonnet. what would be a great idea to make him look all girlie and cute? Preferably pink and floral!

Your Answer:
Dear Tom:
I'll skip the obvious question here: Who wears a bonnet outside of Easter? Oops, two obvious questions: At one point did a guy look at a female friend and say, "This whole pants and button-down shirt thing is overrated. What do you have in spanks and a bustier?"
We'll skip those.
Might I suggest:
A) Christina Hendrick's look in the new Esquire: Upside - Very feminine and sexy. Downside - You'll need an ample bosom.
B) Stilettos, tank top, fuchsia lipstick and a miniskirt: Upside - You'll undoubtedly look like a woman Downside - You'll undoubtedly look like a hooker.
C) Screen pretending to be an Irish janitor lady in Saved by the Bell (requires black wig): Upside - You can spy on Kelly, Lisa and Jessie in the locker room. Downside - You'll get caught and Zack will be in trouble!

Question 2
Q: My girlfriend wants me to sleep with other women?
My girlfriend think our physical relationship is suffering due to my inexperience, and she has been suggesting that I sleep with more experienced women to improve my performance. She even has a couple of friends keen to show me the ropes. Is this cheating? Is this creepy or is it actually a good idea.

Your Answer: So your girlfriend says, "Sleep with my slutty friends to get some sex practice in," and your initial concern is, "Am I cheating?"
While you stew on that for a moment, let me throw out this thought: Why not have a few of your inexperienced guy friends have sex with your girlfriend, so she can figure out what you are doing wrong compared to them?
In fact, you may want to have your girlfriend's female friends sleep with her, too, as they are all more experienced. Might as well cut to the chase here.
No, I don't think this idea is cheating, but the fact she'd rather export your sex business to an outside source is both disturbing and another way of letting the terrorists win.

Question 3
Q: Is it ok to hit a woman if she cheats on you or steals from you? ... or says you have a small penis, or kicks you in the testicles?

Your Answer: It's always perfectly acceptable to hit a woman, especially if she "says" she was raped - then you stone her for her transgressions!
Oh, wait, you're not talking about religious extremists from the Middle East? You mean just your everyday, average American woman? Yeah, dude, sorry, you can't hit her. And I do love how you put the "small penis" thing in the middle of your question, so as to hide the real reason why you want to hit a girl.
Might I suggest buying Grand Theft Auto, where you can bludgeon hookers to your heart's content.

Question 4
Q: How do regain your social status when your town thinks you're a joke?

Your Answer: Might I lay out a three part plan:
1) Become a vampire: People RESPECT vampires, especially ones that sparkle under the sun and/or have an HBO series
2) Change your Facebook status to "Not a joke"
3) Become quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers: I hear they may soon have an opening

To discuss social media training for all of you

Dear blog readers:

I have a gift for you today. It is the gift of ESPN hottie Erin Andrews' nude video. No, just kidding. Just wanted to put that in there to disappoint porn seekers. Sorry, boys. You'll just have to make due with reruns of Step-by-Step and Boy Meets World and pray it's the later episodes when Al and Topanga got hot.

No, my gift is free training on how to use social media, from Facebook to Twitter. You see, I got such training at work yesterday, and I feel it is my duty as an American to shop at Walmart and love the first two Mighty Ducks moviesto educate those in need.

I guess you all will just have to suffice instead.

Here's practical advice on how to use some of the most popular social media tools. Please feel free to dispense your own advice:

Twitter:- When retweeting (RT, as it's called), it's preferential to RT your own tweets. That way, people really know you mean business. For full effect, RT yourself three times and drive it home.
- If a strange woman named Holly, Natasha or Candy want to follow you, and they are following 3,000 people but no one is following them, do not be alarmed about spam. They are just givers, by nature. If you want, they'll give it all to you for about $2.99 a minute, or 140 characters at a time.*
- All of us want to have maximum follower counts. I'm up over 150 myself. You, too, can easily do this, by doing it the WildARSChase way: Beg, stalk and appear overly friendly. It may also improve your chances if you put a photo of a beloved Muppet as your icon. Or your cleavage. Or a beloved Muppet's cleavage, as I can't imagine someone not following a user with a Miss Piggy teet shot.

Facebook:
- I cannot stress this enough. Please, please, PLEASE with cherries on top, keep your status as updated as possible. I will not friend someone who does not let me know the duration and effectiveness of their bowel movements, nor will I comment on a status that does not frequently remind me the person is bored. I need to know your bored, so then I can say, "yeah me 2" and then we can both be lame together.
- Send as many Facebook apps to as many people as possible. People love getting useless apps. It's like Christmas, but the gifts are free and the remorse is fleeting. It's even better when you send them to people you only kinda talked to in high school but are now FB friends with, because they love knowing you'll take the time to send them an app request, but can't bother to ask how they are doing. Sharing apps is caring.
- Understand that if you like a guy/girl, they will be checking your photos. Please use this as an opportunity to add even more embarrassing shots of you falling down drunk, closing your eyes when the shot is taken, having a bad hair day or anything that involves a walk of shame. Potential lovers will flock to your honesty, just as soon as they get rid of the image of you puking in a parking lot.
- A true Facebook user will analyze every relationship status change of every friend. Use Twitter to quickly spread gossip and rumors about changes from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to "single." You may be doing the couple a favor by expediting the process through libel and slander. They'll thank you later, perhaps with a friend request!

StumbleUpon/Del.icio.us
- Please refrain from referring others to sites that everyone knows are awesome. Use this as a chance to highlight rare finds, like a porn site you can't get enough of that offers hard-to-legally-find bestiality clips, or the social networking site for recovering goths. You'll be lauded by peers.
- Keep respected sites on their toes by giving them negative reviews. It will amaze fellow users how you found problems with popular sites that no one else seemed to care about. Tell ESPN.com it doesn't offer enough table tennis coverage. You'll be the toast of the town, and respected by all two of your StumbleUpon friends.

MySpace
- No amount of background theme and illegible white on white text is enough. Readers of your MySpace page want to work hard to read what you have to say, so add wild photos as the background, make all of your font translucent.
- Please join a bazillion groups to show you have a wide palette, ranging from alcoholism to loving that one show you saw a few times as a kid.
- Write in ALL CAPS. SOME MIGHT SAY IT'S ANNOYING. I SAY IT CLEARLY SHOWS WHO'S THE BOSS AND WHO COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THAT CAPS LOCK LIGHT.
- You have a moral obligation to MySpace stalk people who don't know you look at their profile photos. It's what our Founding Fathers would have done. Ben Franklin totally would have MySpace stalked his mistress. He would have invented MySpace, too.

Friendster
- No matter what people tell you, continue using this site and tell the world, "Screw you and your MySpace." It's only a matter of time before Facebook users realize their mistakes and come back.


AOL Instant Messenger

- AOL, do me a solid and discontinue my account. I'm afraid I have an away message up from when I last logged in that probably says I'm off to prom. Thanks.




Tinyurl.com/Bit.ly

- Anyone can shorten their url once. But you, blogger, can shorten your shorterned url! Save your readers both time and brain cells by doubling up. Or, try a triple shortener, and go from this: http://wildarschase.blogspot.com to this: http://tinyurl.com/wac to this: /

Ning.com's 20 Something Blogger's group
- Buck the trend. Be the 45-year-old cougar in the 20-something group, and the men will flock to you like a Trekkie to Comic Con. Bonus points if you have your 20-something-year-old child add you as a friend.
- Too many 20-something bloggers write about things people are age relate to: drinking, being broke, reality tv, the Tori vs. Kelly Saved by the Bell years. Why not tackle a different age, like knitting, Vietnam or propery taxes? Consider yourself ahead of the trend.

Feedburner:
- Refuse to offer your feed in an easily accessible manner. Make people work for it, like dangling a carrot from a stick. Hide the RSS link in a post no one read about your feelings on health care reform.

They'll be so happy to have found it, finally, that they just won't be able to containg themselves from ripping you apart through all your entries!

ICQ
Keep on keepin' on. It's not dead until you and millions of Twitter users say it is.



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* Some guys can only last 20 characters though. That's known as premature characterization.

If you want to actually follow me on these various things, go to the sidebar. Or, if you're using your RSS reader, well aren't you just something? At least follow me @wildarschase and celebrate your technological proclivities.