To discuss advice on Facebook friend etiquette

I'm not sure of the proper etiquette in this social media situation, as I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas*. Please help:

It's getting to the point on Facebook where people who would never normally get on it - bosses of mine, for example - are now on it, and the point that it's been around long enough that people I only knew as children have now grown up and are on it.

So what do I do if one of them friend requests me?

1) Pretend I didn't hear their request, in hopes they think the request is done verbally
2) Click "Ignore" and hope they forget they asked me in the first place

3) Click "Accept" and block access to them seeing anything on my profile as if they are a child molester

4) Petition Facebook to add a new "Indifferent" button that I can click, so that they know I am acknowledging their request, but that I'm not too thrilled about it

5) Murder a kitten, as who would care about a Facebook friend request with that going on?

There is no good protocol for these situations, and yet I feel most of us have run into them. People who you never see aren't a huge issue - you can ignore them - but coworkers are another (not that I'd be dumb enough to do something like this girl). None of this applies to people you went to school with but who you barely know who now want to be your FB friend so they can see if their life turned out better than yours. We don't accept those people.

Thoughts? Concerns?

If any of you want to be my FB friend, by the way, e-mail me at wildarschase dot yahoo dot com. I promise I won't ignore you. Unless I do.

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* And my uncle, Scar.**

** That's right, I made a Lion King joke. And guess what? Give it a few weeks and I'll be making Toy Story jokes.***

*** Somebody poisoned the waterhole.****

**** I had the Woody doll when I was a kid. That's what he said when you pulled his string.*****

****** You can't say "poisoned the waterhole" now. It's a matter of bioterrorism.

To discuss social media training for all of you

Dear blog readers:

I have a gift for you today. It is the gift of ESPN hottie Erin Andrews' nude video. No, just kidding. Just wanted to put that in there to disappoint porn seekers. Sorry, boys. You'll just have to make due with reruns of Step-by-Step and Boy Meets World and pray it's the later episodes when Al and Topanga got hot.

No, my gift is free training on how to use social media, from Facebook to Twitter. You see, I got such training at work yesterday, and I feel it is my duty as an American to shop at Walmart and love the first two Mighty Ducks moviesto educate those in need.

I guess you all will just have to suffice instead.

Here's practical advice on how to use some of the most popular social media tools. Please feel free to dispense your own advice:

Twitter:- When retweeting (RT, as it's called), it's preferential to RT your own tweets. That way, people really know you mean business. For full effect, RT yourself three times and drive it home.
- If a strange woman named Holly, Natasha or Candy want to follow you, and they are following 3,000 people but no one is following them, do not be alarmed about spam. They are just givers, by nature. If you want, they'll give it all to you for about $2.99 a minute, or 140 characters at a time.*
- All of us want to have maximum follower counts. I'm up over 150 myself. You, too, can easily do this, by doing it the WildARSChase way: Beg, stalk and appear overly friendly. It may also improve your chances if you put a photo of a beloved Muppet as your icon. Or your cleavage. Or a beloved Muppet's cleavage, as I can't imagine someone not following a user with a Miss Piggy teet shot.

Facebook:
- I cannot stress this enough. Please, please, PLEASE with cherries on top, keep your status as updated as possible. I will not friend someone who does not let me know the duration and effectiveness of their bowel movements, nor will I comment on a status that does not frequently remind me the person is bored. I need to know your bored, so then I can say, "yeah me 2" and then we can both be lame together.
- Send as many Facebook apps to as many people as possible. People love getting useless apps. It's like Christmas, but the gifts are free and the remorse is fleeting. It's even better when you send them to people you only kinda talked to in high school but are now FB friends with, because they love knowing you'll take the time to send them an app request, but can't bother to ask how they are doing. Sharing apps is caring.
- Understand that if you like a guy/girl, they will be checking your photos. Please use this as an opportunity to add even more embarrassing shots of you falling down drunk, closing your eyes when the shot is taken, having a bad hair day or anything that involves a walk of shame. Potential lovers will flock to your honesty, just as soon as they get rid of the image of you puking in a parking lot.
- A true Facebook user will analyze every relationship status change of every friend. Use Twitter to quickly spread gossip and rumors about changes from "in a relationship" to "it's complicated" to "single." You may be doing the couple a favor by expediting the process through libel and slander. They'll thank you later, perhaps with a friend request!

StumbleUpon/Del.icio.us
- Please refrain from referring others to sites that everyone knows are awesome. Use this as a chance to highlight rare finds, like a porn site you can't get enough of that offers hard-to-legally-find bestiality clips, or the social networking site for recovering goths. You'll be lauded by peers.
- Keep respected sites on their toes by giving them negative reviews. It will amaze fellow users how you found problems with popular sites that no one else seemed to care about. Tell ESPN.com it doesn't offer enough table tennis coverage. You'll be the toast of the town, and respected by all two of your StumbleUpon friends.

MySpace
- No amount of background theme and illegible white on white text is enough. Readers of your MySpace page want to work hard to read what you have to say, so add wild photos as the background, make all of your font translucent.
- Please join a bazillion groups to show you have a wide palette, ranging from alcoholism to loving that one show you saw a few times as a kid.
- Write in ALL CAPS. SOME MIGHT SAY IT'S ANNOYING. I SAY IT CLEARLY SHOWS WHO'S THE BOSS AND WHO COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THAT CAPS LOCK LIGHT.
- You have a moral obligation to MySpace stalk people who don't know you look at their profile photos. It's what our Founding Fathers would have done. Ben Franklin totally would have MySpace stalked his mistress. He would have invented MySpace, too.

Friendster
- No matter what people tell you, continue using this site and tell the world, "Screw you and your MySpace." It's only a matter of time before Facebook users realize their mistakes and come back.


AOL Instant Messenger

- AOL, do me a solid and discontinue my account. I'm afraid I have an away message up from when I last logged in that probably says I'm off to prom. Thanks.




Tinyurl.com/Bit.ly

- Anyone can shorten their url once. But you, blogger, can shorten your shorterned url! Save your readers both time and brain cells by doubling up. Or, try a triple shortener, and go from this: http://wildarschase.blogspot.com to this: http://tinyurl.com/wac to this: /

Ning.com's 20 Something Blogger's group
- Buck the trend. Be the 45-year-old cougar in the 20-something group, and the men will flock to you like a Trekkie to Comic Con. Bonus points if you have your 20-something-year-old child add you as a friend.
- Too many 20-something bloggers write about things people are age relate to: drinking, being broke, reality tv, the Tori vs. Kelly Saved by the Bell years. Why not tackle a different age, like knitting, Vietnam or propery taxes? Consider yourself ahead of the trend.

Feedburner:
- Refuse to offer your feed in an easily accessible manner. Make people work for it, like dangling a carrot from a stick. Hide the RSS link in a post no one read about your feelings on health care reform.

They'll be so happy to have found it, finally, that they just won't be able to containg themselves from ripping you apart through all your entries!

ICQ
Keep on keepin' on. It's not dead until you and millions of Twitter users say it is.



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* Some guys can only last 20 characters though. That's known as premature characterization.

If you want to actually follow me on these various things, go to the sidebar. Or, if you're using your RSS reader, well aren't you just something? At least follow me @wildarschase and celebrate your technological proclivities.

To discuss Facebook stealing a rite of passage

Dear Facebook:

When I was a boy and had a crush on a girl*, there was only one socially acceptable way to tell her. You wrote her a note. You wrote her an honest-to-God**, handwritten note that should include romantic salutations, references to how she reminds you of song lyrics*** and a mention of "Do you like me Circle Yes No or Maybe."

That's how deals were done.

But now you've eliminated such old-fashioned possibilities with your inboxes and relationship status feature and superpokes. You've taken all the charm and effort out of letting a 13-year-old boy tell that cute girl in his class he wants to fondledate her.

Sure, I'm way past that time for me. Capricorn would get weirded out if I passed her a note at this point.**** But there's an entire generation of young Letharios out there who don't know the joy of getting that note back in study hall, unfolding its intricate pattern and realizing the girl he loves, the girl that gives him (wet) wonderful dreams, has enthusiastically circled...

"No."

Oh. She circled no? I always black out that part in my head. Most girls said no- I worked in quantity. Maybe Facebook is the way to go after all. There's probably a Facebook app for love, anyway.

Keep 'poking, kids.

Andy

* I had a crush on every girl. That includes all classmates, their moms, their sisters and you.
** The note didn't have to be honest, just that it needed to be actual paper. It's OK to tell the girl she's the cutest in the class even if you told the last girl that. It's not OK for both those girls to find out. My bad, ladies.
*** At the time, it was Ace of Base lyrics. That might be the reason things never worked out. I told girls I Saw The Sign... and that All That She Wants Is Another Baby, She's Gone Tomorrow Boy.
**** Not to say I wouldn't do it. But I'd have to find new lyrics that do not involve Swedish supergroups. Perhaps T-Pain?

To discuss why you should beget a little more

There are several words and ideas that I think should come back into vogue... actually, I think En Vogue should come back in vogue. They were good.
Other possibilities that I would like you to work into your everyday vernacular and activities:

• "Sire" and "beget": I'm tired of rappers saying they make the magic happen in the bedroom. What if Ludacris said, "I want to, sire sire sire from your head to your toes." That has a more royal feeling to it. And beget? If it's good enough for the Old Testament, it's good enough for me. More begetting should happen-- just remember to practice safe begetting. If you forget to safely beget, you'll regret the wrecked beget.
  
• Town criers: Although this position would technically require the end of my employment as a newsperson, wouldn't it be amazing to get your news from some dude reading off a scroll on Main Street? Especially if it's gossip news: "Hear ye, hear ye. The royal family has decreed that Amy Winehouse has once again been caught smoking crack."
• Being known by who your dad is: I'd be Andrew, son of William. Doesn't that just sound more impressive? It used to be that all guys were known by their fathers, out of respect. Now guys are known by their jobs, or, more accurately, by their Facebook page. "Andrew, status In a Relationship."
• The military draft...just kidding.
• Fighting wars using only hand to hand combat. Enough of this nuclear weapon, machine gun, bomb stuff. The death tolls would be a lot lower if it was just straight street fighting like the old days with sabers and shields. And you know what? China would smoke us. We better get Chuck Norris enlisted. His fists are registered.
• Balls: No, not sports equipment. And not testicles either, pervert. I mean the dancing kind. Where you dress up. And the whole town is invited. And the prince needs to find the girl with the glass slipper. Who wouldn't want to attend that? You're genuinely excited at the thought, aren't you?

To discuss replies to the litany of congrats

Normally I respond to all of your lovely comments with a comment of my own, but, considering the enthusiasm and volume of responses about the girlfriend post, some thoughts:

Teej said...

I'm happy to be the first to say congrats on the official gf/bf status. Madame Capricorn is either lucky or insane :-P Now change your facebook or it isnt official remember!

She likely is insane, although, since she reads this blog now, um, she is also incredibly pretty and funny. I did change my Facebook status, Teej, and that was more nerve-wracking than actually asking Capricorn to be my girlfriend (although we did joke it should be like a "Circle Yes No or Maybe" format). Those Facebook status things are no joke. People pay more attention to them than they do the presidential campaign. If Obama changed his Occupation status to "President" on his Facebook page tomorrow, I think millions of teens would assume he won the election.

Libby said...

congrats on the gf!

and yes, i was one of those kids that skipped ahead to see what adventure i was choosing. no worries though, i did go back & read the whole post;-P

I did love those books. I wish my life was like a Choose Your Own Adventure. "If you want Andy to go on a kayaking adventure, go to the year 2015. If you want Andy to be completely broke, turn to this Blog Post."

Miss Tiff said...

Congrats on Madame Capricorn becoming the official girlfriend. :) I'm super happy for you!

What's funny is that half of the purpose of this blog was to gripe about women problems and dating failures. Now I'm screwed.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Yay for the new girlfriend! And yay for her not being your brother's girlfriend! (this time at least...)

Does Capricorn know about the blog? How about a guest post one of these days so we can get her side of the story!

For anyone who doesn't read KAT or SJ's blog, funnygals.blogspot.com, do so- they are regularly hilarious. KAT, Capricorn does know about the blog, although I'm not sure if she's up for a guest post just yet.

You know what's awkward? Telling a woman you write a blog. It's almost like a dirty little secret, like the herpes of confessions, minus the outbreaks. Like, you have to explain why you do such a thing and what you write about and how you won't embarrass her, you promise, unless she's crazy, and then you will.

ANG* said...

gf/bf status already? nice work buddy.
also, i love gym stories. please continue grunting. that visual is awesome...

Here's my take on bf/gf status: If you quickly realize that the two of you click and things feel natural, why freaking wait around to make it official just to follow the norm? Even if it doesn't work out, at least you didn't spend precious days or weeks wondering if the other person is out on a date with someone else. You spent that time only with them and can really concentrate on them. Plus, it's easier on Facebook to say "In a relationship" than "It's complicated," which sounds more like you're having an affair with your gardener.

amindinmotown said...

Congrats on the ladyfriend. That was pretty quick! Ha.

And to prove your point about the gym ... my boyfriend almost entirely ceased going to the gym shortly after we got together, and although he's trying again, with nobody to impress - 'cause let's face it, he already has me, ha - I wonder how long this gym stint shall last.

If you want him to continue, drop casual compliments about how his arms feel bigger or his chest looks more defined. Even if it's not completely true. Because we will always go after hearing something like that.

SouthernBelle said...

Lovely, congrats! That WAS quick work!

PS - Yes, I also skipped to the end but went back & read the whole thing, like libby.

Anyway, it's not like your title didn't give the game away! Unless you meant to say you were in a bicep curl now.

I'm in a bicep curl like The Thinking Man, who did the original bicep curl. Thanks for the congrats. In a weird way, I looked forward to telling all of you about this latest event almost more so than people I know in real life. Because I know you'd all appreciate it.

sj said...

i don't have enough of an attention span to skip forward and then jump back, so i actually waited to the end to read the footnotes.

and congrats! i agree with my bff. let's have her do a guest post!

If by "guest post" you mean, For the love when is Andy going to have somebody else write to break up his normal drivel, I'll see what I can do. Also- is there an acronym for best friends who are only best friends for a certain period, such as high school, or only at work? It's not forever. Maybe, BFFN- Best Friends For Now.

gracie-mel said...

"Coincidentally, my brother also got a girlfriend last night, which is a very strange and cool coincidence"

what... you guys pickin' them up at the Dollar General again? What did I tell you two about that??

Leave it to my sister to compare her brothers' girlfriends to Dollar General. I'd do a "Your Momma" joke to her, but that's my mom, too. Crap.

Diane said...

Can I just call you Speedy Gonzalez now? ;)

As long as we're only talking about relationships and not about physiological responses.

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For those of you who never comment, see what you missed? And really, you don't even need to sign up or anything to comment. What's holding you back? Entering those random characters?

To discuss some random thoughts and my cancelled proposal

A few quick thoughts, after days of crazy long posts that rivaled War and Peace...

• Danity Kane canceled their York, PA show. Did they not know I hyped them in this blog? And they want to cancel over a scheduling conflict? Maybe they forgot about my proposal to Andrea. Now she's never going to get married. And I have to figure out out to get a refund on that 25 cent crank-turn ring machine. I also decided not to do a play by play of Making the Band this week, just for that reason. ANTM, maybe. Other suggestions are welcome.
  
• Thanks to all the supporters who read about the events of Sunday and still think I'm a sane man. I'll tell Ladyfriend you have thrown your support behind her, at which point I'm sure she'll freak out that random people want her to date a guy she's met once. Combine that with my "double suicide" comment, and it's gold.
  
• If you'd like to keep doing the Q&A thing, leave questions in the comments section or e-mail me at wildarschase@yahoo.com... Whenever I get enough questions and/or make them up and pretend they are from actual readers, I'll do another one.
• Related: In my continued success at being unoriginal, I saw that keepyourreceipt.com, which is par excellence all the time, created a Facebook page for itself to make it easier for people to find it and interact. I've done the same thing, because, for better or worse, a huge chunk of people find me through Facebook (the same Facebook that has asked me if I wanted to meet single gay guys in the city and that makes relationship status changes into social events). So go here if you want to check that out.
• Conversation starter of the day: If you could bring back one show from the 90s, with the same cast, as if it never went off air, what would you bring back? I think that's a tough one. My first inclination is Seinfeld, but wouldn't I enjoy something random, like Clarissa Explains It All, or Home Improvement, or Supermarket Sweep, or ER? Wait, ER is still on? Really? Didn't everyone already die in an ambulance wreck/plane crash/ebola breakout/heartache/lack of good scripts years ago?
  

To discuss Facebook putting hos before the truth

Dear Facebook:

I'm enamored with your ability to connect me with long-lost classmates, friends from the other side of the country and strange older men who are looking for "barely legal" teens (although, really, what does "barely legal" mean? Can I tell the cops that my speeding was "barely legal"?)
But Facebook, here's the thing. Your gig is up.
I'm getting tired of these hos you are putting on the left side of my Facebook page who are "single and available in my area." I've attached a montage of women who have all popped up on my Facebook page in the past few weeks.
It's a lie, and we both know it. These girls are neither single or living in my area.
I've been in my area. There are lots of great women out there. And I've perused the single pages, too. But c'mon. Who are you trying to kid? If these anatomically perfect women actually existed outside the LA/NY/Miami metro areas, they'd be snatched up in a second, or not interested in a long-term relationship so much that they are using an online dating service. That girl in the UCLA shirt does not live here, Facebook. The LA part stands for Los Angeles, in case you didn't know. And I'm not sure if her implants would survive the flight over, anyway.
God's made a lot of beautiful, everyday women, flaws and all, who actually are interested in long term relationships and ordinary guys. Why not highlight them, Facebook, instead of trying to push silicone DDs and fake tans on me every time I update my status or add a bumper sticker?
It's time to keep it real, Facebook. You're not MySpace, after all. That's why I like you.

Andy

To discuss trying to go to sleep

I was going to take today off from blogging. Really. I've had about 25 posts in two weeks, which makes me feel like a prolific blogger on the level of perez hilton, and I don't even rely on celebrity crotch shots (that's year two).
But I couldn't get to sleep last night, which was a problem. I needed to get up for an early shirt at work, which inevitably leads the next morning to not shaving, taking ibuprofen and wishing I knew how to get speed (or find out what it looks like, for that matter). I know the horror stories, though. I know Jessie Spano took all those caffeine pills to stay alert and got 'So Excited,' but she crashed and burned and ruined the Hot Sundaes chance at fame. I don't want to hit that wall; that wall leads to doing "Showgirls" in a few years.

So as I tried to go to sleep, I turned the tv on. I could hardly believe the quality that I would have missed had I been asleep... A few selections:
1) Scream: Is it me, or is this movie not scary anymore? And I completely forgot Drew Barrymore is in it. But ever since "Scary Movie," all I think of is the guy with the mask doing the Budweiser commercial- "Chillin, killin." Plus, all the guy uses for scare tactics are calls to landline phones. He'd have to Facebook message me now, and even then, I'd have to constantly change my status on Twitter every time he stabbed me. It would just take up too much of both of our time.
2) Spanish TV- I wish my Spanish went beyond "Tu madre trabaja en la esquina," (Your mother works on the corner) Because I'm sure telanovelas have sweet dirty lies to tell. It is fun, though, to try to imagine what they're talking about. My guess is international diplomacy and nuclear physics.... Or how Pedro is sleeping around with Maria again. Pedro es un idiota.*
3) "Roll Bounce" starring Bow Wow and Meagan Good. A movie about black kids roller skating. Cause that's gangsta, Bow Wow. That's not quite what's meant by, "Everybody get your roll on." And Meagan, Meagan, Meagan. You used to be on "Cousin Skeeter." That show starred a puppet. Then you did Fiddy's "21 Questions" video, and that's the last time I saw you wear a shirt and pants at the same time.
4) Sisqo trying to make it on the reality competition, "Gone Country." Just to clarify here, this is an R&B singer who once crooned, "That thong tha-thong thong thong," trying to sing country.
5) "To Catch a Predator" re-runs. A snippet:
Host: "This is an online transcript of what you wrote to this 15-year-old girl."
Hapless Hornball: "Oh, no."
Host: "You wrote, 'I want to touch your sweet spot... I want to taste you.'"
HH: "Um, I was just kidding."
Host: "You wrote, 'I hope you're not the 5-0. Cause 15 will get me 20.' That's referring to you getting 20 years for being with a 15-year-old girl, correct?"
HH: (with a slight smile) "Well, I guess I'm getting 20 now."

You know what that guy got? Eight months. He got eight months in jail for telling a high school girl he wants to touch her sweet spot. And he had the harshest sentence out of all the guys- others got 30-90 days. WTF. I can practically get 30 days for not feeding my dog, writing bad checks or voting for Bush (actually, that gets you 4 years).
In related news, Hapless Hornball has already text messaged the Chinese gymnasts hoping to exchange Facebook pages and underwear.

Ok, that's that, although feel free to share late night stuff you've discovered.
A sweet post with a bit of a twist is coming up this weekend.

* My Latina friend, Logarithmic, pointed out that this sentence would mean Pedro is a she. What my friend doesn't realize was that, although my Spanish is terrible, I unwittingly outed Pedro after his sex-change operation. So, there.

To discuss Emoticons, Oregon Trail and poking strangers

So a week or so ago, Brandon, a college-age dude, is talking to me about how he met his girlfriend. He met her on Facebook. They talked to each other, online, on different sides of their college campus. And now they're the second coming of Brangelina, minus the African orphans.

So, evidently, I’m old. 25 is now old. Cause he told me he ‘poked’ her on Facebook. Isn’t that like sexual assault? What if the girl's not 18?

He’s telling me he can help me learn how to pick up women (oh, the advice I need... of course, he's what I like to call "in shape" and "handsome," which helps. I'm what I like to call "the wingman"). I’m thinking, dude, when I was your age, we were doing old school flirting. Instant message style. Emoticons. ;). Bam. That's a relationship right there. :o) ... can you resist that?

And before that? I’m picking up girls on the Oregon Trail, brother. Shooting buffalo. Fixing rations. A girl can’t ford the river in that game, she’s dead to me. I used to name all the other girls in the wagon based on girls I liked. Then, as they would die off-- I was ruthless with rations. Ruthless.-- the girl that lasted longest would be the girl I'd try to go after. Never worked. Not once. Freakin Oregon Trail...

Poking girls. Shoot. Can you imagine doing that in real life, as an adult? Go up to that hot girl at the grocery store. Poke her in the side. Run away. Wait to see if she pokes you back. Or even better, "superpoke." Which I guess is like getting to third base, Facebook style.

Probably involves herpes.

To discuss this blog...

All the kids are doing it these days.... blogging, that is (oh, and the chronic).
So, to give me more opportunity to write for fun, to tell you about all the weird things that happen to me (including a review of incidents in the past that may or may not go down as legendary), I'm going to attempt to keep a regularly updated blog.
Think it's a good idea?
It's gotta be better than most of my ideas....
Anyway, although it'd be great if eventually this gets out past just my circle of friends, for now, I will rely on you who know me to leave comments and such.... because I already spend too much time on Facebook, so let's use this as a new opportunity!
Wait, I don't think kids use the chronic anymore. I think it's the X. Or is it syphilis?