To discuss Fall Fest 2009: If Hallmark can do it, we can do it

It's hard to believe it's been year since Fall Fest 2008.

That might not mean much to you, but then again, you're probably the type of inconsiderate person who would force your son to hide in a cardboard box so you could create a media circus about an ill-fated balloon.

Fall Fest 2008 was the fabricated holiday Capricorn and I dreamed up last October, because there's nothing better than sticking it to Hallmark and creating a fake holiday they don't have covered.

This weekend, we celebrated Fall Fest 2009. Several similarities from last year, both planned and unplanned, occurred, including:

• It was cold and raining, ruining any chance to enjoy the autumn foliage
• We randomly heard System of a Down's "Chop Suey," which may now be the unofficial anthem of Fall Fest
• I chose a pumpkin three times the size of Capricorn's, overly compensating for my gourd envy

Here's the photo recap:

We kicked off Fall Fest with a trip to an out-of-town Goodwill-- two, in fact-- as it seemed Fall Festian to check out random clothes of strangers, plus Capricorn loves Goodwill.

This wasn't for a costume. This was being sold with business suits. I assume this suit means, "Let's close this deal, or I'll blow your head off with my shotgun."

If I ever get to the point in which I need to buy second-hand underwear, well... call that guy who buys the camo business suit and tell him to shoot me right in the second-hand genitals.

After a consignment store discovery and lunch at a diner, which had both a nautical and a country theme, we stopped at a costume store.

Capricorn pointed out even the kiddie girl costumes are kind of slutty. I don't think it's anything worse than the stuff the girls on Toddlers and Tiaras wear... which is to say, yeah, it's slutty.

... which makes sense, because the adult girl costumes are SUPER slutty (there was even an "Adult Section" just for slutty costumes). I actually had a tough time figuring out which was the sluttiest of the Slutty McSluts. I know Halloween is an excuse for good Christian girls to fly their freak flag, but c'mon: What nurse wears garters? Is this part of Obama's health care plan? (Please say yes, please say yes, please say yes.)

Disturbing: There was a grandma helping her teenage daughter pick one of these outfits. More disturbing: Little kids were walking around the aisles. Most disturbing: Some really fat chick will probably squeeze into one of these and not realize the transgression.

Then Capricorn tried on a mask. She gets an A for effort and a F for Freaking Me Out.

And I tried on a mask. Capricorn marveled at the creepiness. I enjoyed the Disney princesses.

And finally, we bought pumpkins and came back to the house to carve children jack 'o' lanterns, while watching Capricorn's scary movie choice (House of a 1,000 Corpses, starring Dwight from The Office), which, while gory, wasn't nearly as disturbing as our movie choice last year. We also watched my choice, Dawn of the Dead, which has the great scene when they start sniping zombies that look like celebrities.

Capricorn went for the ghost style pattern...

... And I went for the bat on a house. We bought a pumpkin carving kit designed for children, so fortunately we were able to make passable replicas of the designs. I always feel some pressure with pumpkin carving to not be outdone by a 7-year-old.

Sadly, even a year later, I still do the same goofy faces.... And that, friends, is the tale of Fall Fest 2009.