To discuss ways to get your mind off of Lebron James

Fun fact: A certain all-star NBA player who made a certain free agency announcement yesterday did so in the town where I used to work, at a Boys & Girls Club that I had visited often for stories. Small world.

But that's as close as Mr. James and I get when it comes to his impact on my life. Oh, and I'd rather not call him Lebron, as if we're on a first name basis. We're not. He can call me Mr. Shaw. Or Ms. Jackson if he's nasty.* I also won't call him "King James," because he's neither a Bible version or royalty in the line of King Tut, King Kong, or King Koopa.

* That song title is a bountiful cornucopia of jokes; my favorite one is in this post.

Mr. James had a giant press conference and dragged his decision out like eight days of Hanukkah, just to let everyone know he would not, in fact, stay loyal to his hometown team and would instead seek out Tiger Woods' mistresses in Florida a championship in Miami. That would be like me holding a press conference to announce I'm switching newspapers, although, actually, that would be extra ironic.

As I'm not from Cleveland, don't live in Miami, am not in Jay-Z's ownership group with the Nets, and secretly love it when New York sports fans don't get everything they want, I didn't care too much about Mr. James' decision.

And why not? Consider that Lebron James:

• Has never given me any money, so the amount of money he makes has no impact on me
• Is only someone I've seen on television, so, like Brad and Angelina, there's been no physical proof to me that he actually exists.
• Will never improve my life because of where he plays basketball
• Is younger than me
• Will not be able to bring back "Raising the Bar" on TNT (just saying)
• Plays a game for a living, a job I wish I had if I had, say, coordination

So instead of indundating yourself with more coverage of this stuff, try:

• Kama sutra
• Watching Toy Story 3 (I haven't seen it yet, but everyone cries in the theater, from what I've heard)
• Reading one of those Old Testament books in the Bible but this time don't skip the whole "So and so begat so and so." And then try to use the word "begat" in a conversation.
• Flying planes for a living, at least until you get picked to be on a reality dating show, where you propose to a girl you selected from a crop of contestants, only later you turn into a fame whore, stop flying and appear to be emotionally abusive on national television.
• Sending a text message but writing it like one of those old love letters people wrote centuries ago. No "u," "lol" or "OMG!"
• Bottle-feeding kittens, preferably your own.

Try one of these, and I'm sure you'll forget about ol' Mr. James. Except that I just mentioned his name again. Crap.