To discuss helping out the government, Part II

I finally am sending in my census form, and only so I don't have to get a call from some census worker making $13 an hour. But since you all liked some of the extra questions I tossed out last week, here are some more...

1. What do you think of the health care bill?
A) It will gives millions of people access to doctors who will be able to tell them they aren't quite sure what's wrong with them, but it's so freaking gross.
B) It's Communist
C) It was $473 just to get some damn stitc ... oh, that bill.
D) It's great, but I'd be much happier if it included pets.

2. Why do you think so many husbands of Best Actress Oscar winners cheat or get a divorce from their wives?
A) They can't handle success or the thought that their wife sleeps beside a man with a golden crotch.
B) They can't resist the feminine wiles of a woman with white supremacist tattoos.
C) It's not a curse. It was only Sandra. And Kate. And, uh, Reese, Hilary, and Halle. Helen Mirren has kept her man, though! Partly because only Satan would cheat on Helen Mirren.
D) Who knows, but Kristen Stewart better keep that in mind with ol' Robert ... especially since Pattinson would be the prettiest woman to ever win Best Actress.

3. What's the capital of Vermont? ...
A) V
B) Montpelier. I'll point it out on the map once I figure out if Vermont is the right-side up or the upside-down state. One of them is New Hampshire, I know that much.
C) I can't name two cities in Vermont.
D) Vermont should be beautiful this time of year, with all that snow.

4. Would you prefer the next presidential election involve ...
A) Sarah Palin, because it would make Saturday Night Live funny again.
B) American Idol-style voting to get the teen vote. Except that means David Archuleta is now a front-runner.
C) Canes and pipes. Because a candidate using a cane and a pipe is both trustworthy and suave.
D) Cage matches.

5. How will you celebrate Easter?
A) Kegger
B) Sunrise service, then more church, then more church
C) Eating so many chocolate bunnies that I start to name them. Peter Cottontail melted in my mouth.
D) Watching "Passion of the Christ" because Jesus is the original gangsta.

6. Select the group of "celebrities" currently on "Dancing with the Stars"?
A) Lisa Turtle and Screech, who do "The Sprain" dance.
B) One of the Kardashians, but not the annoying, immature one. Except now you're not quite sure which one I'm excluding.
C) Perez Hilton, Nancy Pelosi, Tiger Woods, Danny from "Hey Dude"
D) The woman whose eight kids will soon know her as "that lady from TV," the Olympic skater who isn't as cool as Johnny Weir, a woman who thinks I wish my girlfriend was a freak like her, and a guy who landed on the moon back when landing on the moon was noteworthy. And Lisa from "Tool Time."

7. A person rear ends you. You ...
A) Get their license plate and insurance information
B) Stab the bitch
C) Make sure they are wearing a condom
D) Are sticking with that story when the cop comes, because it certainly wasn't your fault you were texting your friend and had to slam on your brakes at the red light.

8. If you could bring back one TV show, but with the cast from a current TV show, it would be...
A) "Saved by the Bell" with the cast of "High School Musical"
B) "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" with the cast of "True Blood"
C) "Seinfeld" with the cast of "How I Met Your Mother"
D) "E.R." with the cast of "When E.R. was good."

9. Now that health care has passed, what should the president make his next top priority?
A) Investigating the people who enter their daughters in competitions on "Toddlers and Tiaras"
B) Getting HBO to tell "Big Love" producers to ease up on the storylines
C) Finding bin Laden. We haven't found him yet, right? Did anyone check his Facebook status?
D) Making cameo appearances on "30 Rock" to keep up his cool appeal.

10. If you were still lesbian from your last celebrity lesbian encounter and this time wanted to get a little crazier, who would you get with?
A) Dame Judi Dench
B) Mo'nique. The "Precious" version.
C) Wendy Williams
D) Octomom
E) One of the Olsen twins, but only if they say "You got it, dude" throughout it

To discuss helping out the government with the census

I just got my U.S. Census in the mail.

Based on what I read in the New Testament, I better start hoofing it to Bethlehem.*

* What, I can't make a random King Herod/baby Jesus census joke?

This is a really short questionnaire, though. Considering the census only happens once a decade, you'd think they'd try to milk some more information out of the citizens than the basic "Who lives here," "What's your race" and "What's your age."

As I'm always on the lookout to help the U.S. Government, I decided to offer my own set of questions. You can all provide answers for the benefit of census workers, and feel free to come up with your own questions. This is for the good of America, people. What, do you hate freedom? If you don't do census questions, the terrorists win. (I swear it said that somewhere on the leaflet that came with the census.)
1. Do you consider yourself a good driver?
A) Yes, the best.
B) I keep it within 5-10 MPH of the speed limit, wear my seat belt and rarely disobey traffic signals.
C) I have yet to be convicted of vehicular homicide ... because my court date is pending.
D) Not possible/I'm an elderly woman

2. How many times a month do you view online pornography?
A) That smut never touches my screen
B) If Jesus can be tempted in the desert, I can be tempted once a month
C) Are we talking softcore or hardcore? The girls never go that wild.
D) Six. Oh, you're talking monthly?

3. Do you believe the current president of the United States of America is ...
A) Charismatic
B) A symbol of change
C) Hot
D) Part of al-Qaeda

4. Given the opportunity, would you rather the United States reduce all taxes, or significantly raise taxes but provide free healthcare, college, utilities and a novelty of your choice?
A) You're a Communist! Or so I've been told by Fox News
B) Sounds good, but there must be a catch. Gregory House isn't providing the healthcare, is he? Because they'll take out my kidneys or drain all my blood for a common cold.
C) Is the novelty ice cream? Because hell yes.
D) Is the novelty hookers? Because ice cream might be better

5. Do you attend church?
A) Yes
B) Not anymore
C) If Sundays are God's day of rest, why is church in the morning when I'm trying to sleep?
D) No, but people at church gossip about my errant ways enough to make me feel like I'm a regular member.

6. Do you like "Glee"?
A) Yes
B) I'd say no, but I'll be stoned to death
C) I prefer the choir in "Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit."
D) I only recently realized "Habit" in that movie title is referring to a nun's attire, not some reference to getting back into a routine.

7. Are you a dog person?
A) No, dogs are scary/I'm allergic/I prefer cats
B) How could I not be?
C) I am disqualified because I own a chiweenie and can't truly say I have a "dog."
D) Does Scooby Doo count?

8. Which was the biggest injustice?
A) Hurt Locker winning Best Picture over Avatar
B) Lilly Scott, Katelyn Epperly and Alex Lambert getting booted from American Idol before the Top 12.
C) Banks not using bailout money to provide loans to Americans
D) Kristen Stewart and Miley Cyrus being selected to present an Oscar

9. What is the best episode of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"?
A) Charlie Wants an Abortion
B) Hundred Dollar Baby
C) The Gang Wrestles for the Troops
D) The Gang Gives Back
E) I have never heard of this show because I'm too busy watching "Glee."

10. If you had to turn lesbian and spend a night with one celebrity, who would it be?
A) Megan Fox
B) Christina Hendricks
C) Angelina Jolie
D) Ellen DeGeneres
E) Olivia Wilde
F) Why am I being forced to turn into a lesbian when I'm a dude?