To discuss it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas?

Dear Thanksgiving:

On behalf of jag-offs everywhere, I apologize. I haven't seen this much thunder stolen since Urkel joined "Family Matters" and Carl Winslow became an afterthought.

Once Halloween is over, it's no secret marketers and businesses want to remind us it's the holidays. Commercials tell us to shop now for Christmas before it's too late. In reality, it's too late on Dec. 26. It's not too late Dec. 24.

But the commercials aren't a big deal, and to be expected. I can even look past Jim Carrey's "Christmas Carol" movie coming out last weekend, hoping without cause it could be better than Muppet Christmas Carol.

What's not to be expected is for people to jump the gun and start decorating for Christmas now, before anyone has carved a turkey, watched Al Roker flag down parade floats or watched the Detroit Lions in their annual Thanksgiving Day loss.

On Friday, I was driving down an autumn foliage covered road. Fall was in the air (and likely H1N1, but that doesn't have pretty leaves).

And then what to my wondering eyes did appear, but an inflatable Santa Claus, lights and general Christmas regalia spread all over the side of a house and lawn, inviting me to have a Merry Christmas.

Full holiday decorations. Nov. 5.

And then yesterday, Thanksgiving, you remember what happened? I drove through a town that had jack-o-lanterns decaying gracefully on doorsteps, hoping to scare off children one last time with the threat of a bacterial infection. I saw brown banners on light posts adorned with leaves. I had football on the radio, and leaves falling from the trees. It was fall in all its splendor.

Except for the garland and Christmas bells hanging throughout the town.

So, Thanksgiving, it seems once again you are the redheaded stepchild of holidays. You are a mere formality to Black Friday, a roadbump to Christmas morn.

Sorry about your loss. Maybe next year, try adding gift-giving to your holiday's list of traditions, right after the turkey feast. Steal the thunder right back from Jesus. He already gets two holidays a year, anyway.

Sincerely,
Wild ARS Chase

To discuss a Weekend Christmas Update, Question Style

1. It was Christmas morning, and I was driving around looking for chicken cordon bleu.
Was it because I:
a) Get pregnancy cravings
b) Needed to find a last-second dish to bring to Christmas dinner, and they were already out of roast beast and Christmas goose
c) Wanted to get an inside joke gift for Capricorn's dad, but the grocery store closed earlier than expected Christmas Eve, leaving me gift-less

2. I took Bailey to the vet on Saturday. When we got into the the exam room, Bailey:
a) Found a plush toy and humped it like he was trying to repopulate the earth with Muppets.
b) Let loose a stream of pee that soon became the sixth Great Lake, and then proceeded to stand in said yellow lake for dramatic effect.
c) Performed a soliloquy out of Macbeth

3. Capricorn and I went on a double-date on Saturday to see a live comedy show. The comedian joked that I probably have four chest hairs (only three, actually) and that Capricorn should:
a) Dump me for someone who doesn't like alcoholic beverages that require umbrellas and fruit
b) Go on Paris Hilton's My New BFF
c) Shove a Pepsi bottle in my ass because I'm probably into that

4. My family and Capricorn got me awesome presents for Christmas. I got a sweet DSLR camera that will enhance my ability to photograph strangers as they undress take walks in the park. Some other gifts are:
a) An electric shaver, a Griswold Family Christmas t-shirt and a gift certificate that my dad lost last year before Christmas and finally gave to me now.
b) The Hills on DVD, a Big Wheels, an animated blow-up doll, and your mom
c) Paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute, a hippo, my two front teeth, and your sister

5. There is another co-blog coming up Wednesday and Thursday, following up last week's Top 10 Sports Movie List with Joshlos. This time, Katie and I will write about:
a) Why any subsequent Batman sequel will just be a letdown unless one of the actors dies right before it opens, and how we think we can make this happen.
b) Why girls are silly if they wear booty shorts with "Juicy" on the butt and a low-cut shirt and then are mad that boys only want them for their bodies.
c) Our resolutions for the New Year, and our predictions for 2009, celebrity style.

Answer Key:
1. B: For a month, I had wanted to get her dad this gift, which is related to an inside joke about her mom never cooking him this dish. There was a frozen box of prepared chicken cordon bleu at the store that would've been perfect and sure to get laughs. The store closed early, and I had to go the gift card route. But he has a birthday in January, so I'll do it then.
2. B: The vet never blinked. She kept asking questions. And thanks for all the well wishes for Bailey. He'd thank you himself, but he's such a diva.
3. C: That show renewed my interest in doing improv or stand-up comedy someday.
4. A: I have a family full of good gift-giving. And if you're wondering, Capricorn got a Joe Flacco Baltimore Ravens jersey (exactly what she asked for... I had to special order it in the women's style), a DVD of Charlie Brown Christmas (which she absolutely loves to watch), and gold gloves, which she had been trying to find in stores for months.
5. C: And with Katie on board, it's sure to be hilarious.

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There was a tie for first place in my Favorite Christmas Movie poll, so I'll run a special poll to break the tie, through the rest of the week. Get those votes in for Love Actually or Elf (really? None of the classics won?)

To discuss a camera, a healthy dog and a reference to the Holocaust

I'll be giving you the big Weekend/Holiday Update soon, but in the meantime, what kind of sweet presents did you get? I'm showing you some of the results of one of mine, a new Nikon DSLR camera (I'm overcompensating with digital imagery the way some guys overcompensate with large Ford trucks with plastic testicles hanging off the trailer hitch). Included is a shot of Capricorn's cat, whose eyes remind me of Uma Thurman for some reason, and a shot of Capricorn and her chihuahua, Leo, who is giving her more tongue than an overzealous prom date.
I got some other sweet gifts and photos I'll share soon.


Bailey is finally doing (somewhat) better. I had to take him to the vet again on Saturday, and they gave him three more kinds of medications, getting him on par with Amy Winehouse, minus the beehive hair and Motown sound. He's got some kind of back issue, but at least now he's walking around some after spending most of last week hiding under my bed like a canine Anne Frank, minus the Nazi persecution. For his two vet visits last week, he cost me about $50 per pound. He weighs 10 pounds. In related news, I'm wondering if goldfish would be a more economical option, if not somewhat less easy to cuddle with at night.

So, tell me all about your present giving and getting, while I recover from the past few days.
And, for the love of sports, please check out the Top 10 (Plus 2) list Joshlos and I put together for Christmas Eve, as I know many of you are behind on blogging.

To discuss a breakdown of holiday classics and a dead John Ritter reference

As mentioned, the new poll is up. You've made (or are making) your selections for your favorite holiday movie. But perhaps you're on the fence and need a gentle push.
Let me be of assistance:

• White Christmas: If you don't enjoy the music from this Bing Crosby classic, you probably hate kittens. My favorite song from this movie, actually, is "The Best Things Happen While Your Dancing."... I watched this movie on VHS as a kid at my grandparents house, all year long... because they didn't have cable and the only other option was "What About Bob," and you can only watch that movie so many times before thinking, "What About Me?!?!"
  
• It's a Wonderful Life: The "angel gets its wings part" is crap-- angels get their wings by drinking Red Bull-- but it's hard to resist this small town tale of George Bailey pleading with God for a government bailout of his banking crisis, only to find out he's 73 years and a Bush administration too early.
• A Christmas Story: My mom refuses to watch this movie because she thinks Ralphie actually gets his eye shot out... which would be AWESOME. Also, I love the pink bunny outfit and the terrifying Santa. And, if any of you are still searching for a gift for me, please buy me a leg lamp. With the rest of Natalie Portman attached.
  
• Muppet Christmas Carol: Michael Caine delivers here, plain and simple. And the Penguin Christmas Skating Party? Are you kidding me? Do the good times ever stop?
• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Not a month goes by without my family quoting this Chevy Chase movie. It made me want to enroll in the Jelly of the Month club. And buy my own backyard swimming pool. And visit a mall to have a girl named Mary explain to me why there is a lingerie kiosk in the middle of the mall.
  
• Just Friends: Ryan Reynolds sings "I Swear" in a fat suit. Anna Faris does her "If Britney had gone just a little more overboard and done more blow, here's how she would have acted if her manager forced her to spend Christmas in New Jersey." And the chick from "Airplane" is the mom.
• The Santa Clause: This would be the perfect Christmas movie if it wasn't for that annoying kid. I wanted to punch him in his groin the entire movie for his precocious acting, but that's against child welfare laws. He'll get his. Oh, he'll get his.
• The Family Stone: Family dysfunction, intertwining relationships, Claire Danes being hot, Diane Keaton with her amazing "This is my Diane Keaton acting class, watch out younger acting bitches, I was in that famous Woody Allen film" acting, Sarah Jessica Parker not being totally annoying, and Claire Danes being hot in a movie with Rachel McAdams being hot. Not that either is hotter than Capricorn, mind you.* She's hotter. And she never kissed Jared Leto.
  
• Elf: For the "Baby It's Cold Outside" scene.
• Bad Santa: Dead John Ritter: "Did one of you, um, fornicate?" Drunk Billy Bob Thornton: "Fornicate?" Ritter: "Yes, with a heavy-set woman in the big and tall dressing room." Thornton: "Look, I’ve boned a lot of fat chicks in my time sure, but uh, as far as I’ve recalled I’ve never fornicated anybody."
• Love Actually: In the early going, this movie is taking the lead in the poll. Who knew it had such strong holiday pull? It does have that British charm to it, though. And I do love intertwining stories. Eh, why not? Love Actually, you're a modern holiday classic.
  
• Die Hard: Not your typical holiday fare, but it is set during Christmas, and Carl Winslow is in it, and there's lots of bad German accents and Bruce Willis kicking ass and taking names. Ashton Kutcher must have loved this movie when he was a kid. "Hey, one day I'm going to be the step-dad to this guy's kids. And bang his ex-wife."
  
• Miracle on 34th Street: I'm including this because it's a classic, not necessarily because I agree with its inclusion. How the Grinch Stole Christmas could have just as easily taken this spot, but the Jim Carrey remake left a sour taste in my mouth about all things Grinch. It tastes like Roast Beast.
  

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If you like movie posts, I've got a special co-post with Joshlos in the works that will be our holiday gift to you. What's that you hear? It's a heavenly host of angels pre-gaming.
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* It's our three-month anniversary today. She's tolerated me for three whole months. One of these days, she'll catch on that underneath my amazing physique and stunning good looks, I'm really just a geek who blogs about his dog and his fetish with 90's pop culture. Until then, I intend to make out with her as much as possible. And tell her "I love you" every day.**
** If you could all do me a favor, don't tell her I want a Natalie Portman leg lamp. That will be our Santa Secret, OK?

To discuss a reader poll full of Christmas spirit and Hollywood glamour

Raise your hand if you're working every weekday but Christmas this week.
(Anyone? Anyone? Just myself and a few other saps? Thought so.)

Anyway, I appreciated all the responses for my latest poll, "When do you normally put up your holiday decorations?" Evidently, a majority of you had lights blazing at the start of December. A small percentage of you are blithely unaware Christmas is this Thursday and are wondering why the neighbors are complaining about your rotting jack-o-lantern. And six of you are drunks.

Here are the officials results of the last poll, for you Google readers:
Before Thanksgiving, because I'm an overachiever: 10 (15%)
The start of December, so as not to appear too Scrooge-ish: 26 (41%)
Just before Santa arrives with gift cards for Best Buy/Victoria's Secret/Gynecologist: 5 (7%)
Decorations? You're lucky I buy gifts:11 (17%)
I still have Halloween pumpkins rotting outside: 5 (7%)
If by "decorate" you mean drink away my holiday sorrows, then I answer "October": 6 (9%)

For the new poll, lasting only through Christmas Day (Happy Hannukah to my Jewish friends, but you already know that this is a Christmas world), the focus is on your favorite Christmas movie. The options will be extensive.
I'll debate the merits of each option soon, but I wanted to get the poll up in the meantime. No complaining about what's left off, especially if it's a CBS holiday special (If one of you says "The Christmas Shoes" movie should be on there, I will burn your house down like I'm Lisa "Left Eye" Lopez. I swear to almighty God.)
This will require you to actually visit my site, Google readers. Consider it your holiday gift to me. That, and a $100 check made out to "Andy Shaw."

Merry Christmas!

Update: I had to re-post the poll to allow multiple selections. Feel free to vote again. I tried to set all the vote tallies as they were before I took the poll down.

To discuss how nobody's dead mother needs Jimmy Choos

I love Christmas songs. I do. I could go on and on about "Peace on Earth" with Ziggy Stardust and Bing Crosby, or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" with Dorothy...

Some of the kitschy songs about animated wildlife can get on my nerves, but I can understand why children like them (Wal-mart and McDonalds told them to). But there's one song I can't stand.

The Christmas Shoes song.

It is horrible. If you like that song, I'm sorry to tell you that is sucks, because it does (unless there's a sentimental value, and then that's understandable. You might want to skip this post. Or tell me I'm a terrible Grinch-esque person. Either option would be acceptable).

The entire song is about some kid trying to buy shoes he can't afford before his mom dies... Happy Holidays! Nothing gets those holiday spirits kicking like a kid talking about his near-dead mom. Christmas shoes? That's even worse than a one-year membership to the Jelly of the Month Club.
And did you know this song is based on a movie of the same name?!? If it's not enough of a Christmas downer to sing about it, let's make a feature length film starring Rob Lowe and that daughter from Father of the Bride.

In case you're not convinced, I've taken the liberty of interpreting the lyrics:

It was almost Christmas time,
There I stood in another line
Trying to buy that last gift or two,
Not really in the Christmas mood.
ARS: That's understandable. Christmas shopping can be horrendous, even deadly. But shame on you for waiting until the last second to buy those two gifts. Do you really think you're going to win the wife over with that blender? And let's not even discuss that see-through lacy negligee you bought her. It lights up and has tassels.

Standing right in front of me
Was a little boy waiting anxiously,
Pacing round like little boys do,
ARS: He probably has to pee, dude. Watch out.

And in his hands, he held a pair of shoes.
And his clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe,
ARS: Like Pigpen from "Charlie Brown?" Was he animated and thought your voice sounded like "Waah, wa waah waah waah"?

And when it came his time to pay,
I couldnt believe what I heard him say.
ARS: That's called eavesdropping.

Chorus:
Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my momma please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
ARS: If shoe shopping was as easy as a woman just finding the right size, you wouldn't see so many husbands slumped over in chairs while their wives try on an aisle's worth of stilettos. Make sure you pick out ones that don't give her cankles. Perhaps something with an open toe.

Could you hurry, Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while;
Know these shoes will make her smile.
ARS: I appreciate the sentiment, kid. I do. But she'd be just as happy getting one of those plastic rings or gumballs or a pack of pencils or whatever else they sell at your elementary school Secret Santa shop. Let's not go overboard here. You're going to show up all of your friends, who are now going to feel like crap for giving their moms a coloring book and Juicy Fruit.

Want her to look beautiful if Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Just a point of reference, man- Jesus spent most of His time taking everyone's shoes off and washing them, not putting them on. So, a nice foot bath would do the trick. Or a Bible.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years
Then the cashier said "There's not enough here."
ARS: That's probably because the cashier didn't want to deal with all of those pennies.

He searched his pockets frantically
Then he turned and he looked at me.
ARS: And thought, "I bet you I can convince this schmuck to buy me these shoes, plus some of those awesome shoes with the wheels in them."
He said Momma made Christmas good at our house
Though most years she just did without.
Tell me, Sir, what am I gonna do?
Somehow I've got to buy these Christmas shoes!
ARS: You just know the kid picked out some Manolo Blahniks. It's not even a question.
So I laid the money down;
I just had to help him out.
And Ill never forget the look on his face
When he said Mommas gonna look so great!
ARS: This is so sugary sweet I'm going into a diabetic Christmas coma.

Chorus

I knew that I got a glimpse of heaven's love
As he thanked me and ran out.
ARS: (With my wallet)
I knew that God had sent that little boy to remind me
What Christmas is all about.
ARS: Yes, because God, the compassionate, loving God, decided that to make a point, He'd give this kid's mom a terrible disease to teach some guy about the meaning of Christmas. I'm pretty sure God could've just showed him "It's a Wonderful Life" and called it a day.

Chorus in childrens voices
ARS: Oh, good. Children singing. As if this wasn't already a tear-jerker, let's get little kids singing about their mommies.
Young boy:
I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus tonight.
ARS: Now, who's ready to open presents?