For a little extra something to get you through the day before you party tonight (what, my co-blog with Lump wasn't enough?), here's a TV Play-by-Play for you. I couldn't pass this show up: MTV's Bromance, starring Brody Jenner of The Hills fame. Brody is looking for a new best friend, and is determined to make the entire ordeal as close to a quasi-gay experience as he can, with lots of awkward hugs and half-naked man time. Oh, this should be good...
Let's get started- the premiere episode:
:01 This series is called Bromance. They say it with a straight face, and yet, no straight guy would say "Bromance." Something's gotta give. Brody compares it to a girl's relationship with her chihuahua. Wait a second, I own a chihuahua. Does that mean Bailey and I have a Bromance too?
:02 Brody reveals he's doing this show because Spencer Pratt screwed him over. Didn't see that one coming, Brody? That was a surprise to you?
:02 How is this not about a gay relationship, again?
:03 The nine contestants/male escorts are ripped out of their hotel beds by big burly dudes (called Bears in the gay community- amiright?) and taken to meet Brody. In real life, this is called a booty call. In Bromance, this is called the opening scene.
:04 I'll try not to chronicle every minute, but there's just too much good stuff. It's revealed that there are seven (!?!?!) producers for this show, including Ryan Seacrest... because when you spend every spring trying to fend off Simon Cowell's quips about you liking dudes, you should definitely produce a show called "Bromance."
:12 The guys get their first challenge: Find two hot girls and bring them to a lingerie party. Winner is the one with the hottest girls. Femi (short for feminine?) says the challenge is too easy because talking to girls is "What I do when I sleep." That might be your first issue, Femi. You should be awake when you flirt.
:13 The token gay guy-- he's actually gay, not closet gay-contestant-on-a-show-about-finding-one-true-bromance-- has no problem finding chicks. He says it's because girls are attracted to a gay man "Like a moth to a flamer." Touche. But easy on the eyebrow plucking. It looks like Follicle's Last Stand up there.
:15 Tan beefcake Jered has trouble doing math... but look at those dimples!
:25 Most of the guys are successful finding girls for the party, perhaps because there are cameras following them everywhere and girls want their 10 seconds of fame. The boys then take turns giving Brody a toast, which one boy dubs a "Broast." Get it? Like toast, except more homoerotic.
:32 Jered also has trouble forming sentences... But look at those... eh, screw it, the dude is dumb.
:33 A touching moment: Brody announces which guy "brought the hottest girls tonight," giving the honor to Luke. So, for those of you scoring at home, Brody just made it clear to all the other girls who were invited that they aren't as attractive and are only around for show. This same philosophy has been applied to Nicole Scherzinger's back-up singers, also called the Pussycat Dolls.
:35 Luke wins a special limo ride home with Brody. In a glimpse of homoerotic things to come, they exchange an awkward goodbye hug not seen since the closing moments of "Blind Date" episodes with Roger Lodge.
:41 Mike, the gay dude, tells Brody he wants to go home, because he was hoping the house would be more like The Hills and that maybe Brody would do him.
:49 It's time for an elimination. In Bromance style, it's held in Brody's giant hot tub, with all the guys half-naked. Yep, that doesn't look awkward at all. Just a bunch of straight bros, relaxing together in a hot tub. With no girls in sight... Just talking about their feelings. And with Ryan Seacrest watching.
:54 The dude kicked off is Jacob, who swore like a trucker during his toast and is one of those annoying people who likes to talk in melodramatic statements about the meaning of life... I respect Brody a little bit more now.
:58 "Brody's never met a guy like me before.... I'll do anything, whatever it takes...Brody just makes you feel so comfortable, like you've known him your whole life..." Are we sure this isn't a dating show? Like, absolutely positive? I'm a metrosexual kind of dude, but I don't go around telling my guy friends how they make me melt inside when I'm around them. I wait until I'm alone and can have a good cry.
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