Wednesday, December 31, 2008

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance- We Still Like Girls, We Promise

For a little extra something to get you through the day before you party tonight (what, my co-blog with Lump wasn't enough?), here's a TV Play-by-Play for you. I couldn't pass this show up: MTV's Bromance, starring Brody Jenner of The Hills fame. Brody is looking for a new best friend, and is determined to make the entire ordeal as close to a quasi-gay experience as he can, with lots of awkward hugs and half-naked man time. Oh, this should be good...
Let's get started- the premiere episode:

:01 This series is called Bromance. They say it with a straight face, and yet, no straight guy would say "Bromance." Something's gotta give. Brody compares it to a girl's relationship with her chihuahua. Wait a second, I own a chihuahua. Does that mean Bailey and I have a Bromance too?
:02 Brody reveals he's doing this show because Spencer Pratt screwed him over. Didn't see that one coming, Brody? That was a surprise to you?
:02 How is this not about a gay relationship, again?
:03 The nine contestants/male escorts are ripped out of their hotel beds by big burly dudes (called Bears in the gay community- amiright?) and taken to meet Brody. In real life, this is called a booty call. In Bromance, this is called the opening scene.
:04 I'll try not to chronicle every minute, but there's just too much good stuff. It's revealed that there are seven (!?!?!) producers for this show, including Ryan Seacrest... because when you spend every spring trying to fend off Simon Cowell's quips about you liking dudes, you should definitely produce a show called "Bromance."
:12 The guys get their first challenge: Find two hot girls and bring them to a lingerie party. Winner is the one with the hottest girls. Femi (short for feminine?) says the challenge is too easy because talking to girls is "What I do when I sleep." That might be your first issue, Femi. You should be awake when you flirt.
:13 The token gay guy-- he's actually gay, not closet gay-contestant-on-a-show-about-finding-one-true-bromance-- has no problem finding chicks. He says it's because girls are attracted to a gay man "Like a moth to a flamer." Touche. But easy on the eyebrow plucking. It looks like Follicle's Last Stand up there.
:15 Tan beefcake Jered has trouble doing math... but look at those dimples!
:25 Most of the guys are successful finding girls for the party, perhaps because there are cameras following them everywhere and girls want their 10 seconds of fame. The boys then take turns giving Brody a toast, which one boy dubs a "Broast." Get it? Like toast, except more homoerotic.
:32 Jered also has trouble forming sentences... But look at those... eh, screw it, the dude is dumb.
:33 A touching moment: Brody announces which guy "brought the hottest girls tonight," giving the honor to Luke. So, for those of you scoring at home, Brody just made it clear to all the other girls who were invited that they aren't as attractive and are only around for show. This same philosophy has been applied to Nicole Scherzinger's back-up singers, also called the Pussycat Dolls.
:35 Luke wins a special limo ride home with Brody. In a glimpse of homoerotic things to come, they exchange an awkward goodbye hug not seen since the closing moments of "Blind Date" episodes with Roger Lodge.
:41 Mike, the gay dude, tells Brody he wants to go home, because he was hoping the house would be more like The Hills and that maybe Brody would do him.
:49 It's time for an elimination. In Bromance style, it's held in Brody's giant hot tub, with all the guys half-naked. Yep, that doesn't look awkward at all. Just a bunch of straight bros, relaxing together in a hot tub. With no girls in sight... Just talking about their feelings. And with Ryan Seacrest watching.
:54 The dude kicked off is Jacob, who swore like a trucker during his toast and is one of those annoying people who likes to talk in melodramatic statements about the meaning of life... I respect Brody a little bit more now.
:58 "Brody's never met a guy like me before.... I'll do anything, whatever it takes...Brody just makes you feel so comfortable, like you've known him your whole life..." Are we sure this isn't a dating show? Like, absolutely positive? I'm a metrosexual kind of dude, but I don't go around telling my guy friends how they make me melt inside when I'm around them. I wait until I'm alone and can have a good cry.


FunnyGal KAT said...

Wait, the Pretend Husband told me it's perfectly normal that he and all his guy friends hug when they arrive and when they leave and when someone scores a touchdown and when one of them leaves to go to the bathroom and when one of them has a death in the family and when one of them has a painful hangnail. Is this not normal?!? How about all the cuddling they do on the couch while watching football games?

Sooo glad you're taking one for the team with this show, Andy. Like America's Next Top Model, I can't bring myself to actually watch it, but I get such a kick out of your play-by-play. And if someone has to be a little more stupid for having watched the show, I'm just glad it's you and not me.

Ben said...

Oh man. I knew Brody was good for something I just never realized that something was making blog fodder for Wild ARS Chase.

Please give me one for each episode? I'll make it worth your while in gay-undertone but not overtly homosexual ways.

Lump said...

I doubt Paris Hilton's "best friend" worked out. So Paris and Brody should just become best friends.

WAIT, I can't believe you watched this.

and WAIT, do you not have a best friend?

Áine Caitríona said...

Soooo... what time is this show on?

Also, Ryan Seacrest just cannot be gay. He dated Teri Hatcher, remember?

...on second thought, nevermind.

Andy said...

KAT- That's not normal. You need to have a talk with him. And I'll get all stupid for you. It's the least I can do.
Ben- I think it must be done, you're right. I was going to make it a one-time thing, but there's just too much possibility here.
Lump- Are you REALLY surprised I watched this? C'mon, it's me. I almost watched The City, too- almost. And Capricorn is my best friend, but I'm auditioning others for the first alternate.

Rachel said...

I get it now, when Dan says he's going out for drinks with the guys it's cosmos instead of beer and hugs instead of ball adjusting....wait maybe they adjust each other's balls

Shit, my brain just bitch slapped me for picturing that

SouthernBelle said...

Hahaha, that is gold. It does sound like it would be difficult to watch, with a lot of cringing and saying "Really?"

Sara said...

I actually think I'd like to have a bromance, but sadly I think that my whole having a vagina thing procludes that from happening :(

TishTash said...

Why can't these people just go in a bar, get lit, then bond with the person holding their hair back in the bathroom like normal people? Or is that not how you guys find your friends...?

Angela said...

I've heard it's pretty gay. I'll need to watch for myself haha

Liz said...

ugggg... Brody Jenner...

JenBun said...

You MUST chronicle this. Oh yes!

There are some shows I just can't watch... but love to read bloggers' re-caps!

Mmmkay? Thank you in advance.


Mel said...

Aaaand...I think I've found that new reality show that I've never seen before from the resolution list! The Hills...it's like the All in the Family of the
2000's ...begetting quality spinoffs all over the place.

Emily said...

hahahaha this just made my night.

thank you!

Jest said...

Watching this show did make me feel a little weird. I didn't really understand.

The Rambler said...

I could not fathom watching the show, when I heard the radio commercials, (er, wait Brody Jenner's gay? Oh wtf, he's looking for "friends")...but glad you did.

I LOVED the play by play.

My favorite was "moth to a flamer"


Hope you had a Happy New Year!

coffee buzz said...

I was so happy that MTV thought to make such a bromantic show, it brought a little tear to my eye...

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