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Thursday, January 1, 2009

To discuss another Lump in My Ars: 2009 Predictions


I hope everyone had a wonderful New Year's celebration... wait, what? You didn't? It was boring/depressing/anticlimactic? That's because New Year's is overrated. You don't see us holding a massive celebration when January becomes February, or when Thursday becomes Friday. Most New Years celebrations I've been to have ended with me kissing no one, feeling awkward and wondering if Dick Clark is going to make it much longer.

But that's all in the past. It's 2009. And it's time for the second half of the Lump in the ARS co-blog with the hilarious Katie. If you missed it, here's the first half with our resolutions. Now, it's our 2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't.
(Katie will have her predictions on She's Lump)....

Andy's Predictions:
1. After Obama takes office, white Americans will grow gravely concerned about whether it's cool to call Barack "black" or if "African American" is the right term, fearful of offending minorities. Political pundits will go out of their way to avoid referencing Obama's race and come up with new P.C. terms: "Listen, Barack is doing a great job representing his people. Wait, by his people, I mean Americans, not uh, well, you know, the people that are, um, came across the ocean, um, you know, non-white... Uh, the night-colored community." The black community will laugh at us crazy crackers.
K: It is possible the black community already thinks white people are crazy crackers. Case in point: we had one crazy cracker named Bush in office for eight years. That should say enough. By the way, 19 days left of that crazy cracker.
ARS: So, you voted for McCain?
K: OK, now you are one Crazy Cracker.

2. The networks will cancel a show you like and justify it by low ratings, despite a fervent following. You'll point out that "According to Jim," Gary Unmarried" and "Ghost Whisperer" are still on the air despite all logic against them. Oh, and "E.R." will miraculously come back for another season after NBC's failed medical reality drama, "The Real Proctologists of Orange County," sucks ass. Literally.
K: I have to disagree about "The Real Proctologists of Orange County." I think that show would do very well. It would be like "Dr. 90210" except the Proctologist is googly-eyed over a piece of ass instead of boobs. Because I hate it when men are googly-eyed over my boobs.
ARS: At least men aren't Googling your boobs. That would be a whole 'nother issue.

3. Gas will go above $3 again because of (insert unreasonable, dumb reason here: Slowed production in the Gulf/Terrorists in the Middle East/OPEC restrictions/Wall Street brokers peeing themselves in fear). We will all complain about it.
K: Hell yes I will complain.
ARS: At least $4 gas helped moms realize they don't need to drive Hummers to pick up the kids.

4. A Hollywood megastar will die in some tragic accident, making the world weep and gnash its teeth. There will be tributes and celebrations of the actor's work in movies, as even their worst stuff becomes "great examples of acting" because the dude is dead now. Awards will be given posthumously, and books will be written. Exceptions: Keanu Reeves and Tara Reid.
K: If you're talking about Freddie Prinze Jr., then I'm coming to Pennsylvania (um, that's where you're from right?) and kicking your ass for that one.
ARS: No, I'm from Jersey *quickly hides PA driver's license and points to the right*

5. Jim and Pam will finally have their wedding on The Office, but Michael will screw it up when he tries to take over for the preacher. Jim will do that quirky mouth thing. Stanley will roll his eyes. Meredith will sleep with the preacher. Andy will serenade everyone with "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid. Dwight will tell Phyliss to lay off the cake. Sarah Palin will guest star as the preacher. "Do I now pronounce you man and wife? You betcha."
K: I'm probably going to get shot for this, but I don't watch The Office. However, I do find Steve Carell strangely attractive.
ARS: That's alright, because I don't watch Lost, 24, Mad Men, or most other buzzworthy shows. I prefer stuff that is likely to be canceled.
K: I've never even seen those shows either. See, I watch too much reality TV, man.

12 comments:

Sara said...

I disagree...Keanu would definitely get an award! Isn't there an Oscar out there for best male performance in a chick flick? And if so, how has he not won that award yet?

Astharis said...

I honestly believe that Tom Cruise is going to die one of these days under mysterious/weird circumstances. Abducted by aliens or something like that.

Sam_I_am said...

I agree with Astharis' Tom Cruise theory. It really wouldn't surprise me.

Andy said...

Nostradamus, much?

Famously Single said...

Wow! You should be a writer on The Office. I could really see this happening. On a side note, we had a psychic on our show yesterday who said Bush will get very ill after leaving office.

Amy xxoo said...

I am so glad Heath Ledger wasnt specifically mentioned in that post, because that totally would have broken my heart....

Also, if petrol prices rise again here in Australia, i will definately complain - however, it wont stop me driving home from work to have lunch every day.

Jenners said...

Hmmmmm...I believe I was promised Tyra but didn't see her. Oh, is that the celebrity death you predicted? Because that would be great!

And "According to Jim" is still on the air and "Knights of Prosperity" was canceled? And "Arrested Development" (Yes ... I know that was a while ago but I've still not recovered). I too have a tendency to follow shows that are canceled.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

For some reason Tara Reid has more than the allowed 9 lives,and we still care about what happens to her. Kinda. I hope this rehab stint is successful, unlike the last 1,647 times. Godspeed Tara.

And Katie, I too find Steve Carell strangely attractive, in a geek chic, naughty school girl kind of way.

Anna Lefler said...

YES - New Year's Eve is always a buzzkill...a.k.a. "amateur night."

Steve Carell is, strangely, attractive. "The Office," however, no longer is, having jumped the shark a couple seasons ago.

Can I pick the celebrity who dies? PLEEEEZE?

~ Anna

Andy said...

Sara- What, in Sweet November?
Astharis- I can't disagree. Solid logic.
Sam- How can we make this happen?
Andy- But I'm not predicting the end of the world in 2012
Single- Can you make this happen? I'd love to write for that show. I can be BJ Novak's understudy.
Amy- Here's hoping something tragic doesn't happen, especially with an Aussie actor. But Russell Crowe can get mildly injured.
Jenners- Tyra is on Lump's section, so you still get it....One of my fave new shows now is Testees, and I'm sure that will get canceled.
Candy- Tara needs help. And a good script. And you are on your own on the Steve Carell thing.
Anna- Out of everyone, I would love to grant you that power. But I've seen my share of Jim Carrey movies to know that almighty power is a bad thing, if not the cause of a tedious second half of a movie.

TishTash said...

Haha! That was fun!

But don't knock Keanu dude. He's made a career of adding the surfer inflection to every known accent in the world. That's freakin brilliant.

JenBun said...

Excellent predictions-- I hope that pretty much all of these come true!

(Except for one of my shows getting cancelled. F that!!!)

(Oh, and the gas thing. I'll let you cancel one of my shows as long as gas stays below $2!)

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