To discuss a Maxim review: October 2009

It's been a few months since the last Maxim or Cosmo review, after taking time off to focus on We Are Cosmo. But, once I got the October edition of Maxim in the mail, I knew it was time to revive what is one of the guilty pleasures for Wild ARS Chase readers. Why? Look who's on the cover. It's a gold mine.

So here's the October 2009 review. As always, there's links to some of the sexytime photos so I could make this post relatively safe for work, and, again, go to confession or whatever you usually do after reading naughty goodness:

• Audrine Partridge is not not attractive, in the best use of a double-negative possible. She is in shape. She has long, wavy hair. She's got nice skin. And her boobs could milk multiple babies at once, a veritable boob trough. But... but... there's just something about her that makes me not want to fantasize about her. Ever. It might be the dead look in her eyes. It steals souls.
  
• Audrina is doing whatever it takes to convince me she is sexy. On the Contents page, she's wearing shear panties with a sports car behind her and a hose spouting water between her V-shaped legs. Funny- I figured she'd melt in water.
  
• Potentially awesome site: Koogle.co.Il It's a search site designed for Orthodox Jews so they can't "accidentally" stumble upon photos of immodestly-dressed women. Just like I used to "accidentally" stumble upon those same photos as a 13-year-old boy. I stand by my story, mom. Celebrity who by default will have no photos available through Koogle: Megan Fox. (note: I had trouble getting the site to work. Perhaps because I'm Presbyterian)
  
• Celebrity women must be terrified to go on the beach. Every inch of them is analyzed for perfection. For example: Maxim's Celebrity Beach Watch: 15 Hottest Bods, which is just a haphazard, random assortment of 15 women who happened to not have PMS bloating and did a few extra crunches the day paparazzi caught them seaside. I'm guessing the girls have nervous breakdowns just thinking about the ocean. Unless you're Jennifer Love Hewitt, and then you just say, screw what you think, I was in "Can't Hardly Wait."
  
• Women behinds bars: Maxim has a monthly feature with a bartender babe dispensing advice. Except the advice is almost always: "Just be confident and nice, and don't use dumb pick-up lines." That'd be great, if not for the fact women go home with the douche toolbag who compared her pants to a mirror.
  
• A great line by "Jennifer's Body" director Karyn Kusama, on watching her Megan-Fox led movie: "I hope it's a little bit more of a complicated experience than just giving guys boners." From what I've heard about the movie... well, at least it's got Megan Fox.
  
• Maxim recommends some new TV shows debuting this fall: Among them: Glee. I'm sure a lot of Maxim readers are into a show about glee club. Now, I watch the show, but I also read Cosmo. Side note: Glee is overrated, unrealistic and lacks focus.
  
• Unexpected awesome photo: "So You Think You Can Dance" host Cat Deeley in a leather one-piece. Unexpected non-awesome related Google search: Maxim evidently ripped off the photo from a cover shoot last year for the international magazine, Arena. Maxim used the same, year-old photo, but flipped it around.
  
• Sex section: 'Today's Special: Your Waitress': Tips on how to sleep with a waitress. Advice includes things like don't excessively compliment or give huge tips. I'd try telling them to wear more flair, or not mentioning how you like the word "manure."
• Cover girl Audrina Patridge, "star" of slasher flick "Sorority Row": First thing- Audrina's boobs don't move. They have the same shape whether she's upright or bent over. Second thing: Her boobs are still more lifelike than Heidi's, which is like saying a zombie is more alive than a vampire. Third thing- She's got the same expression in every photo, an expression of "come hither/look I'm being sexy/is this going to be in a magazine like you promised, sir, because last time wasn't cool."
• Audrina, on her upcoming reality show, "The Audrina Show": "It's, like, real." Not sure what's left to be said.
  
• "The 13 Most Unintentionally Scary Movies Scenes of All Time." Entries include the baby coming out of Katie Heigl's vagina in "Knocked Up" and Kathy Bates' nude scene in "About Schmidt." Omitted: Seth Rogen's character having sex in Knocked Up.
• "Vampire Diaries" star Kayla Ewell is in six-inch heels, bejeweled panties, no bra and chewing on a piece of hay: Who hasn't been in that situation before? Maxim upholds its journalistic integrity once again.
• "Liquid Trust" ad for a scientifically-formulated (in some dude's basement) trust potion: Great, all we need are a bunch of lonely lunatics thinking they can convince a girl to trust them. "Get in my windowless van, it'll be safe in there, trust me. Oh, and drink this real quick."
  

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Bromance- We Still Like Girls, We Promise

For a little extra something to get you through the day before you party tonight (what, my co-blog with Lump wasn't enough?), here's a TV Play-by-Play for you. I couldn't pass this show up: MTV's Bromance, starring Brody Jenner of The Hills fame. Brody is looking for a new best friend, and is determined to make the entire ordeal as close to a quasi-gay experience as he can, with lots of awkward hugs and half-naked man time. Oh, this should be good...
Let's get started- the premiere episode:

:01 This series is called Bromance. They say it with a straight face, and yet, no straight guy would say "Bromance." Something's gotta give. Brody compares it to a girl's relationship with her chihuahua. Wait a second, I own a chihuahua. Does that mean Bailey and I have a Bromance too?
:02 Brody reveals he's doing this show because Spencer Pratt screwed him over. Didn't see that one coming, Brody? That was a surprise to you?
:02 How is this not about a gay relationship, again?
:03 The nine contestants/male escorts are ripped out of their hotel beds by big burly dudes (called Bears in the gay community- amiright?) and taken to meet Brody. In real life, this is called a booty call. In Bromance, this is called the opening scene.
:04 I'll try not to chronicle every minute, but there's just too much good stuff. It's revealed that there are seven (!?!?!) producers for this show, including Ryan Seacrest... because when you spend every spring trying to fend off Simon Cowell's quips about you liking dudes, you should definitely produce a show called "Bromance."
:12 The guys get their first challenge: Find two hot girls and bring them to a lingerie party. Winner is the one with the hottest girls. Femi (short for feminine?) says the challenge is too easy because talking to girls is "What I do when I sleep." That might be your first issue, Femi. You should be awake when you flirt.
:13 The token gay guy-- he's actually gay, not closet gay-contestant-on-a-show-about-finding-one-true-bromance-- has no problem finding chicks. He says it's because girls are attracted to a gay man "Like a moth to a flamer." Touche. But easy on the eyebrow plucking. It looks like Follicle's Last Stand up there.
:15 Tan beefcake Jered has trouble doing math... but look at those dimples!
:25 Most of the guys are successful finding girls for the party, perhaps because there are cameras following them everywhere and girls want their 10 seconds of fame. The boys then take turns giving Brody a toast, which one boy dubs a "Broast." Get it? Like toast, except more homoerotic.
:32 Jered also has trouble forming sentences... But look at those... eh, screw it, the dude is dumb.
:33 A touching moment: Brody announces which guy "brought the hottest girls tonight," giving the honor to Luke. So, for those of you scoring at home, Brody just made it clear to all the other girls who were invited that they aren't as attractive and are only around for show. This same philosophy has been applied to Nicole Scherzinger's back-up singers, also called the Pussycat Dolls.
:35 Luke wins a special limo ride home with Brody. In a glimpse of homoerotic things to come, they exchange an awkward goodbye hug not seen since the closing moments of "Blind Date" episodes with Roger Lodge.
:41 Mike, the gay dude, tells Brody he wants to go home, because he was hoping the house would be more like The Hills and that maybe Brody would do him.
:49 It's time for an elimination. In Bromance style, it's held in Brody's giant hot tub, with all the guys half-naked. Yep, that doesn't look awkward at all. Just a bunch of straight bros, relaxing together in a hot tub. With no girls in sight... Just talking about their feelings. And with Ryan Seacrest watching.
:54 The dude kicked off is Jacob, who swore like a trucker during his toast and is one of those annoying people who likes to talk in melodramatic statements about the meaning of life... I respect Brody a little bit more now.
:58 "Brody's never met a guy like me before.... I'll do anything, whatever it takes...Brody just makes you feel so comfortable, like you've known him your whole life..." Are we sure this isn't a dating show? Like, absolutely positive? I'm a metrosexual kind of dude, but I don't go around telling my guy friends how they make me melt inside when I'm around them. I wait until I'm alone and can have a good cry.

To discuss The Hills and what TV used to mean to us

Ok, so this is what I've learned from yesterday's post comments: Do not make fun of The Hills. Sure, it's based on a made up feud, shows spoiled girls working at fake jobs and highlights girls with fake boobs (I'm talking to you, Heidi Montag), but there are dedicated viewers out there who don't like me taking their show to task. Understood. We'll agree to disagree.
But think of this. There is now an entire generation of teenagers who, in 10 years, will speak of The Hills, Hannah Montana, Punk'd, and Family Guy like we do about the shows we grew up on. Isn't that scary? What's that you say, Andy? Give a list of the 10 shows people in their 20s identify as "their shows"? I'm nothing if not a man who fulfills wishes (and crushes dreams).
Now, this is not a Top 10 list of the best shows of our generation. That's another day. This is the shows that I look at now and say, I grew up on that (keeping in mind that I'm 25). I think that's why I worry about The Hills- it looks like the crap that these top 10 shows spit on in comparison. Of course, so is Making the Band.

1. Full House: This isn't even debatable. I'm fairly certain I've seen every episode. In hindsight, isn't it strange that Danny Tanner let an adult single male, Joey, live with his teenage daughters? How did DJ and Joey not hook up at least once? I think that should have happened at least once, with Joey doing his Popeye voice right in the middle of them screwing while DJ worries that Joey think she looks too fat and has to become anorexic again. Then Stephanie can barge in and say "How Rude!" because Joey won't give in to her offer of a ménage à trois with Kimmy Gibler. I think that sounds like a winner. They can even play the sappy music when Danny sits Joey and DJ down and talks to them about being responsible adults as he hands them birth control. Am I right?
2. Seinfeld: Not everyone gets this show, I know that. But for our generation, I think there was a lot to identify with, mostly because it was so random and didn't take itself seriously (Not that there's anything wrong with that). Most high school guys I knew at the time would quote Seinfeld all the time- What's the deal with Ovaltine?
   
3. Family Matters: What is most interesting about Family Matters is that it didn't start out with Steven Urkel. He came in later and stole the show...I'm still trying to figure out what happened to the youngest kids on that show. Depending on the season, they just disappeared. And then there was that plot point of Urkel turning into Stephon.
   
4. Simpsons: I'm not a huge fan of this show. Actually, I wasn't allowed to watch it when I was younger (that, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). But it'd be foolish not to include it here.
5. Fresh Prince of Bel Air: Now this is the story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down... You know what? I bet you know the entire theme song. And that makes me like you even more. Let's make out.
6. Saved by the Bell: I think this show truly defines our TV viewing. All the girls loved Zack or Slater. All the boys wanted Kelly to have that modeling gig she earned in France turn into a porn career. And none of us saw it coming that Screech, out of everyone, would end up doing a sex tape one day.
7. Boy Meets World: Ok, I'm sure I'll post about this another day, but Topanga quite possibly could have taken the crown away from Kelly Kapowski as the hottest character on TV. I mean, her freakin name is Topanga. And that Corey- always getting into trouble with Mr. Feeney. He'll just never learn, will he?
   
8. Step by Step: What's funny is that I had no idea Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers had careers before Step by Step. For all I knew, that was their first role.
   
9. Salute Your Shorts: How about Donkey Lips is my friend on MySpace? He's a rapper now. That show might have been Nickelodeon's finest work. Camp Anawanna, I do hold you in my heart.
   
10. SNICK: Saturday night line-up on Nickelodeon really sums it up- Alex Mack, Clarissa Explains It All, Roundhouse, All That, Are You Afraid of the Dark, etc. There wasn't a better place to be. That line-up was for us, by us.

Now, you're looking at this list and saying, Andy, dude, what is wrong with you. You forgot____. Well, then, let me know. Comment away. Some of the shows that didn't make the list: Doug, Wonder Years, TRL, Friends, I Love Lucy and Perry Mason...