Wednesday, December 31, 2008

To discuss a Lump in My ARS co-blog: Our 2009 Resolutions We Promise to Break Any Day Now

I'll let you catch your breath while you recover from the colorful graphic. It's practically USA Today up in this mother.

On the eve of the New Year, I couldn't pass up the chance to list the resolutions I have absolutely no chance of completing successfully. But, rather than simply list my failures like I've done in the past, I joined forces Jedi-style with Katie of She's Lump to make this a more in-depth post. And by in-depth, I mean lots of perverted jokes and references to pop culture. We only make one or two references to child molesters, so I consider it a success.

Today is Part 1- My resolutions are here, and hers is posted on her site... It's more colorful language than usual- I promised Lump I'd curse. She promised not to emasculate me too much.
Tomorrow is Part 2- "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't."
Let's get this party started...

Andy's Resolutions:
1. I will keep my apartment neat and tidy so that Capricorn and I aren't forced to frequently stop mid-sentence, look around and say, "We really need to clean today." This should last for a good two to three months, until we become lazy and rationalize that at least it's better than a frat house and there's still a clear path to the bathroom.
K: I think you may need a "Just in Case you need an Excuse to Party" poster and a super soaker (see her resolutions). Dude, I will bring the beer.

2. I will keep up with exercising a few times a week to make my body look good while I'm still young enough to keep my body looking good without the need for crash dieting and Chuck Norris exercise equipment. If I fail at this, I'll limit my moping to no more than three pints of Ben and Jerry's. A night. For a week. I'll also stop trying to run faster and longer on the treadmill than the guy next to me, especially if he is from an African country that ends with a vowel.
K: Instead of running a marathon on the treadmill to keep your body looking good, you could always take Kung Fu like me. I mean, check out my last Kung Fu photo and blog post. One commenter said I look like a SEVEN YEAR OLD. Oh wait, having a seven year old body isn't really considered "looking good" is it? Unless you're Michael Jackson.
ARS: Or a Chinese gymnast.

3. I will not lose my motivation for my career in the fall like I do every year, leading to months of searching online for jobs that require no experience, little time and pay six figures so that I can pursue my interest in professional karaoke singing. Instead, I'll be satisfied with the well-established, successful career I already have, since I have yet to hear back from that Kenyan prince and his offer to have me manage his finances if I just make the first deposit of $5,000 in an offshore account.
K: You probably haven't heard back from this Kenyan Prince because you haven't deposited $5,000 yet. You ever think about that? Do you want to borrow some money? Well, tough shit.
ARS: Not even, say, 10 bucks? I'm so broke right now, I have to take doggie bags home from McDonalds. I'm one traumatic event away from blowing people in a back alley for a Twinkie and some quarters. It's the price you pay... for balloon animals.

4. I will try food I've never tasted, visit a city I've never heard of, watch a reality show I've never seen, and talk to a person I've never met. When that leads to me vomiting, getting lost, losing IQ points and getting abducted and featured on Dateline, I'll blog about it and pretend I intended for all that to happen for the greater good of comedy.
K: You know, that would be hilarious. Give me a shout out on Dateline, will ya?
ARS: Weren't you already on there? I thought I saw you in some dude's kitchen during that To Catch a Predator series.

5. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. I will not go to Banana Republic. (If I keep repeating it, I think it may come true... wait a second... if that's the case...) I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out. I will convince Natalie Portman and Capricorn to make out....
K: OK, not going to Banana Republic is a piece of cake, Andy. I want to see you not spend any money on Banana Republic garb. And every night I will say a little prayer for you in hopes that will help Natalie Portman and Capricorn to get it on. Hey, what are friends for?
ARS: $10 loans. Now where's my money?
Don't forget to come back tomorrow (after you take an Advil for that hangover) to read our "2009 Predictions Sure to Come True, Unless They Don't"


Anonymous said...

I think you like being known as THE ONLY guy who watches ANTM!!

Now to contribute to your post: I have decided my 1 resolution will be to stop being a magazine horder.

wee-h said...

Happy New Year! Thanks for making me laugh at the ARS end of 2008. Liking your challenges, as for the food you should try Andouillette (pork offal sausage)in Lyon. That should hit up 2 of them. :)

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Those are some hefty resolutions..good luck with breaking them!

Since we are sharing...My #1 resolution is to GET A FRICKEN JOB.
There, I said it. I feel so much better already. Thanks!

SouthernBelle said...

Gold. I cannot get over that picture of you Andy, it is too much awesome.

elle michelle said...

So you're saying I'm NOT the only one who has a career meltdown in the fall/winter that causes me to fantasize about the same six-figure, 30-hour-a-week job that requires little to no brainpower. Hmm, I hadn't realized I'd have so much competition...

Andy said...

Wait, wait, wait... Why would Capricorn haave the need to clean YOUR apartment? Is it that you're living together and you haven't told us?

Diane said...

"I'm one traumatic event away from blowing people in a back alley for a Twinkie and some quarters." The best poor-man line I've ever heard (OK, seen) uttered.

Kellie said...

Great list! I think I'll put #4 as my to do resolution. I like new things. Most of the time. Unless they involve strangers in alleys for twinkies. Not a big fan of that one. :) Good luck and Happy New Year!

Sara said...

"I'm one traumatic event away from blowing people in a back alley for a Twinkie and some quarters." WOW...My 2009 resolution is to use this as my new phrase replacing "I'm so mad I'm going to punch someone in the throat". Hmmm...no that's still an awesome quote, I'm just going to add your to my repertoire!!

Sam_I_am said...

Watch Hulk Hogan's Celebrity Wrestling where Screech kicks Danny Bonaduce's ass.

Andy said...

Alexis- I won't deny it.
Wee- As long as the pork offal isn't pork awful
Dandy- It's therapeutic, isn't it?
Belle- I wholeheartedly adore that photo. I plan to use it often, even when it makes no sense.
Elle- Consider yourself warned- it's on like Donkey Kong.
Girlversion- No, no, no, she's not. But she's over here often enough that some of the mess is hers.
Diane- Thank you, thank you. I'd like to thank my mother.
Kellie- Happy New Year to you, and good luck with No. 4. If you need help with No. 2, I'd suggest Pepto Bismol and raisins.
Sara- Please let me know when you first use it.
Sam- That's too good to be true. And yet, it is.

JenBun said...

Happy New Year, Andy my dear... my all your wildest dreams come true!

(But not THAT one, you sicko.)

(You know what I'm talking about...) ;)

Happy happy!!!

Miss Tiff said...

Happy New Year!! :) One of my resolutions is to start posting again on a regular basis.. I've slacked off majorly!

Mel said...

First I was thinking this was a resolution list I might actually be able to do too after reading so many more lofty ones today, but then I thought, nah, just the watching of one new reality show I've never seen before. That one I can definitely do! Loss of IQ points or no. Happy New Year! Thanks for the giggles in 2008!

Amy xxoo said...

I think you may just be the King of Co-Blogs Andy.... another job well done!

I'm liking the one about trying new things - it will make for interesting blog reading, thats for sure...

spleeness said...

city suggestion: Bowie, MD. I'll show you & Capricorn around the Radio/TV museum and you can blog about it. But DC is only 15 miles away so there's some cool stuff to make it worth your while. You can spin this into a "fellow bloggers whose couches I've slept on while traveling to unknown cities" theme. And for the record, we've got a nice guest room, not just a couch.

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