Always on the look out to keep you updated, I was all over it like a spray tan on an actress.
Here are my observations from a night of the Golden Globe awards. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners:
- While watching the red carpet stuff with Ryan Seacrest, Megan Fox appeared. Capricorn thinks Megan is a beautiful actress, and many 14-year-old boys secret magazine stashes agree. Then Megan proceeded to say things like "Well, I have a 22-inch waist, so..." And now Capricorn wants to punch her in the face.
- The awards get underway quickly, but the presenters just read off the names with little fanfare. Me: "They're not showing video clips of the nominees?" Capricorn (matter of factly): "Babe, it's a recession."
- When did Sting become homeless? Roxanne's hiding in his beard.
- When's the last time Eva Longoria ate a carb? She makes Megan Fox look like the fat kid. And were her nipples surgically removed, because a dress that low-cut should be revealing them by now, and I'm concerned Tony Parker will have to breast feed his own child.
- In what became a theme for the night, the nominees no one thought would win were seated in the rear between the bathrooms and the kitchen. When they inevitably won, it would take five minutes for them to get to the stage, as none of the show producers thought it might be smart to follow basic fire code procedures and leave a straight path to anywhere.
- And the winner for Best Actor in a TV Drama is... Hugh Laurie? Jon Hamm? No! It's the guy in the very back on a show no one's heard of! Both of his fans must be going nucking futs!
- Drew Barrymore decided to A) become a lesbian for the night (she held hands with Jessica Lange all night) and B) bring back her hair-do from The Wedding Singer.... "I'm embarrassed for her," Capricorn said.
- If you could pick a few stars to sit with at the Golden Globes, who would it be? I chose Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell and Marisa Tomei. Capricorn chose Johnny Depp ("That is my boyfriend if you die, just so you know"), Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Then she informed me I wasn't invited to her table because "I can't be giving h-jobs to the Jonas Brothers with you sitting there." Fair point.
- And the winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie is... Heath Ledger!... "Heath's dead tonight, so I'll accept this award on his behalf." (Too soon? Should I make an Aaliyah or Left Eye joke instead?)
- Salma Hayek hasn't met a low-cut dress she didn't like.
- "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Comedy, and for the viewers' pleasure, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson are nowhere to be found and Penelope Cruz is stuck in the back of the group on stage. I know it's a group effort blah blah blah but no one paid to see that movie because of the producer's agent and the costume designer. They went to see Scarlett and Penelope kiss, which should have been recreated, Madonna and Britney style, without the plummeting career aftermath.
- Kate Winslet, in total shock after winning Best Actress for Titanic II: I'll Never Let Go Oh Wait I Just Did My Bad You Died, thanks the other nominees... but forgets to name Angelina Jolie. Angelina forces a smile and mentally makes a note of ruining Kate's marriage, homewrecker style.
- And the winner of Best Picture-Drama is... Slumdog Millionaire? Really? We didn't get over Juno-itis yet with these little movies that could? Even in a recession, we're still outsourcing our products to India.
Thanks to all those who participating in Word Verification Friday- there's still time if you want to join. A special Mad Libs will be made with the definitions.