Monday, January 12, 2009

To discuss a golden opportunity for awards commentary

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, evidently undeterred and unimpressed by my own awards ceremony last week, held their own little affair last night.
Always on the look out to keep you updated, I was all over it like a spray tan on an actress.
Here are my observations from a night of the Golden Globe awards. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners:
  • While watching the red carpet stuff with Ryan Seacrest, Megan Fox appeared. Capricorn thinks Megan is a beautiful actress, and many 14-year-old boys secret magazine stashes agree. Then Megan proceeded to say things like "Well, I have a 22-inch waist, so..." And now Capricorn wants to punch her in the face.
  • The awards get underway quickly, but the presenters just read off the names with little fanfare. Me: "They're not showing video clips of the nominees?" Capricorn (matter of factly): "Babe, it's a recession."
  • When did Sting become homeless? Roxanne's hiding in his beard.
  • When's the last time Eva Longoria ate a carb? She makes Megan Fox look like the fat kid. And were her nipples surgically removed, because a dress that low-cut should be revealing them by now, and I'm concerned Tony Parker will have to breast feed his own child.
  • In what became a theme for the night, the nominees no one thought would win were seated in the rear between the bathrooms and the kitchen. When they inevitably won, it would take five minutes for them to get to the stage, as none of the show producers thought it might be smart to follow basic fire code procedures and leave a straight path to anywhere.
  • And the winner for Best Actor in a TV Drama is... Hugh Laurie? Jon Hamm? No! It's the guy in the very back on a show no one's heard of! Both of his fans must be going nucking futs!
  • Drew Barrymore decided to A) become a lesbian for the night (she held hands with Jessica Lange all night) and B) bring back her hair-do from The Wedding Singer.... "I'm embarrassed for her," Capricorn said.
  • If you could pick a few stars to sit with at the Golden Globes, who would it be? I chose Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell and Marisa Tomei. Capricorn chose Johnny Depp ("That is my boyfriend if you die, just so you know"), Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Then she informed me I wasn't invited to her table because "I can't be giving h-jobs to the Jonas Brothers with you sitting there." Fair point.
  • And the winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie is... Heath Ledger!... "Heath's dead tonight, so I'll accept this award on his behalf." (Too soon? Should I make an Aaliyah or Left Eye joke instead?)
  • Salma Hayek hasn't met a low-cut dress she didn't like.
  • "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Comedy, and for the viewers' pleasure, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson are nowhere to be found and Penelope Cruz is stuck in the back of the group on stage. I know it's a group effort blah blah blah but no one paid to see that movie because of the producer's agent and the costume designer. They went to see Scarlett and Penelope kiss, which should have been recreated, Madonna and Britney style, without the plummeting career aftermath.
  • Kate Winslet, in total shock after winning Best Actress for Titanic II: I'll Never Let Go Oh Wait I Just Did My Bad You Died, thanks the other nominees... but forgets to name Angelina Jolie. Angelina forces a smile and mentally makes a note of ruining Kate's marriage, homewrecker style.
  • And the winner of Best Picture-Drama is... Slumdog Millionaire? Really? We didn't get over Juno-itis yet with these little movies that could? Even in a recession, we're still outsourcing our products to India.
Thanks to all those who participating in Word Verification Friday- there's still time if you want to join. A special Mad Libs will be made with the definitions.


LBluca77 said...

I love award season!!!! I was so happy for Kate Winslet. She is always a fave. I knew Heath would win but I so cried anyway.

Next stop the SAG awards.

Marinka said...

I didn't get to see the GG, but this really makes up for it. I loved all of Capricorn's comments and your observations. And the Heath joke is right on time. Next year may be too late.

Do you mind if I watch the Oscars with you? You will hardly know I'm there. Move over a little.

Thomas said...

Those were some astute observations sir. I loved old Ledger so good for him, I still would have gone with that comment though.

Brilliant post. Although Capricorns allegiance to the Cyrus's is questionable and, well, kinda wierd.

Paula said...

There's so many funny comments there I find it difficult to pick the best one. Although the idea of Tony Parker breastfeeding due to Eva's lack of nipples is pretty damn hilarious!

Amy xxoo said...

I'm totally with Capricorn.... Megan Fox needs to be bitch slapped. She always had this " I'm waaaaaay hot and that makes me waaaay better then you " look on her face.

I think i'd go with Steve Carrell, Drew Barrymore ( even with her scary hair ) and Emile Hirsch at my table - funny, best-girl-friend-material, and some eye candy.

Also, way to soon for the Heath joke. The man died on my birthday, not even a year ago... i'm still not over it.

Ben said...

1) Jonas Brothers + HJ reference = perverse and awesome.

2) Kate Winslet can do no wrong.

Jest said...

Did you notice when the Jonas brothers came out, Billy Ray didn't clap. AWKWARD!(That's the only thing I watched and then I remembered I hate awards shows and I turned it off.)

Andy said...

LOL at your Eva Longoria comment!!

I can't wait for your review of the Oscars.

Diane said...

You are a funny man. Just sayin'. And much as I hate to admit it, Capricorn's got the funny, too. You can tell her I said so.

Sam_I_am said...

I was in the midst of January cleaning yesterday and missed the Golden Globes, but I watched the Recap on the Today Show. I thought it was a little odd that Kate Winslet told Leo that she's loved him for 13 years and then said "Thanks, Babe," to her husband. Who is she going home with *raises eyebrows*?

Jenners said...

Love your commentary! Wish you could have streamed your guys's comments out live during the show! Pissed that Michael C. Hall didn't win for Dexter. And enough with Hugh Laurie. I think if you win a few times before, you should be out of the running to give others a chance. And I'm dumbfounded at the Best Comedy choice. Huh.

thanks for watching so I didn't have to!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Check out my post today. I walked away with a heightened curiosity of Mickey Rourke.
I though his career was dead and autopsied, really.
A few points-I didn't think Eva looked skinny at all-could still be the concussion.
AND I LOVED the way Drew looked!!!!I thought she was sizzling sexy with that nasty, messy hair a al Marilyn.
Again, could be the concussion talking.

TishTash said...

I love that you do these recaps because I don't have cable (any cable, not even the no-frills basic stuff) and live in a cave.

You're so on about Titanic. I thought that was the best part of the movie.

stealthnerd said...

Kate Winslet forgetting Angelina Jolie's name was one of the best moments of my life, wait, night. I meant night.

Also, whoever flipped the bird before NBC could pop up a censor peacock. That was kind of awesome.

Jossie Posie said...

Please beg Capricorn on my behalf for a spot at that table of hers. She can have the youngest and oldest brother...I would just like the one in the middle. Joan, as I refer to him, with those bushy eyebrows of his, gives me heart palpitations.

~Sheila~ said...

Well. I didnt get to see the Golden Globes...so thanks for the review of it. I don't mind the spoilers.

Let Capricorn know that I would like to join her in her parade to punch Megan Fox. (I'm sure we aren't the only one's out).

Kellie said...

Steve Carell would be at my table too. I guess that means we'd be at the same table b/c we have good taste. Although by the middle of the awards I'd be plastered like Lily Allen was (earlier this year at the Glamour awards I think) and probably say obscene things and get thrown out. You don't mess w/ Elton John.

Something Nottaken said...

The director of The Wrestler flicked off the camera, Darren Aronofsky. It was beautiful. Rourke won for best actor, who I was rooting for, but my boy Dexter lost, so poo poo.

kisatrtle said...

So thankful for your recap. I watched Desperate Housewives and feel like I made an educated decision. Seriously, Slumdog???

Sara said...

I'm with Ben on the Jonas Bros and HJ's...yeah, it's not right...but I think if I were at a table with them I'd do it too...but I'd let my husband sit at our table too...I have freebies!

Dr Zibbs said...

Drew Barrymore is so annoying any more I can't stand it.

Dr Zibbs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Liz said...

My table would have Steve Carrel and Hugh Laurie... I like being entertained & insulted...

I watched about the first 15 minutes of it... then came the acceptance speeches & I was done... bores me to tears, I say!

Lump said...

I'm not bragging but I have a 23 inch waist... which means, I could kick Megan Fox's ass. HOT.

and Capricorn is AWESOME: "Babe, it's a recession." LOVE IT.

Lauren said...

Nice live blogging!

I was absolutely thrilled when Kate Winslet won (twice!) I was even more thrilled when she said, direct quote, "who's the other one?" (in regards to Angelina Jolie.) So perfect it's not even funny.

I want to sit at a table with Tom Hanks and Jake Gyllenhall. The former because he's been my favorite actor for years, the latter because he's my future husband.

Oh, and I was thrilled Slumdog won. Have you seen it? It's the little movie that could, sure, but unlike Juno it deserves the award. It was fantastic.

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