Tuesday, January 13, 2009

To discuss some answers to your burning questions

Hey, everyone else jumped on this gravy train. And, since Miss Tiff asked, how could I say no? Here are five questions, with my incomplete, somewhat dubious answers.... And yes, Bromance lovers, I'll be doing a Play by Play, I just haven't seen the episode yet. It should be trashtastic.

1.) Who the person you admire most and why?
Was this question taken from my fourth-grade writing assignment? I think I'm supposed to say my mommy and daddy and Jesus and my mailman, who is not my daddy until paternity tests prove otherwise.
I suppose my parents would make a nice, accurate selection- they're still together, they treat me well, they support my decisions and they've done well for themselves. Plus, my mom won first place for the holiday door decoration she put together for my apartment, so she's doing something right.
2.) If you could have one superhero power, what would it be and why?
If I was being honest, I'd say invisibility, because I'd totally go watch girls get naked in the locker room... but since this isn't the superhero power I wanted in my high school fantasy, I'd say it'd be fun to be a shapeshifter, a la Mystique in X-Men, minus the blue body paint and the marriage to Jerry O'Connell. I'd make myself look like Billy Mays and then spend the rest of the day shouting about how excited I am: "Billy Mays here for MILK. I'm at the self-check out with ordinary people who are BLOWN AWAY by MILK!. Can you BELIEVE THE POWER OF MILK? This has got JUST ONE PERCENT FAT. And look, it even works in your favorite recipes. AMAZING!" It would be great for work, for errands, and especially for church, because people would think you're overwhelmed with the spirit: "Billy Mays here for JESUS. Can you believe the POWER OF JESUS! This guy GETS OUT ALL MY SIN! I'm white as snow! And if you act now, I'll toss in NOT ONE, BUT TWO DEITIES- GOD AND THE HOLY SPIRIT! AMEN!"
3.) If you absolutely had to give up one thing you loved what would it be and why?
What, is there a gun to my head? There is? Always trying to get the white man down, aren't you?
Well, then... my career. I can't give up my family, Bailey, Capricorn, my friends, kindergarten girlfriend, or Tivo, GPS, XM radio, Elf Fudge cookies, steak, Olive Garden breadsticks, my iPod or The Office. So, see you later, journalism. It was destined to end at some point, likely with corporate layoffs, a small severance and little dignity.
4.) If you weren't in the career you are in now what would you be doing?
Oh, so I say I'd give it up at gun point, and now I have to switch careers? Kick a man while he's down. I would love to find a way to write funny blogs/scripts/ad copy for a living or do improv... but that's not exactly sustainable. How about a life coach? I'm put together, am even-keeled, and have read Rick Warren books, the book of Proverbs, Finances for Dummies and parts of Les Miserables. That should qualify me to tell someone else how to live. You'd hire me, right?
5.) If you could choose anywhere in the world to go where would it be and why?
I need to go to Australia. I'm getting tired of reading my Australian readers' blogs about how lovely it is there, without ever having seen it. And I've always wanted to go to England- the historic sites, the culture, the teeth- it would be breathtaking. Also, Alaska, because I'd like to see Russia.


Diane said...

When you go to England, I'll go with you. I'm a fabulous tour guide and I'm always looking for a reason to go.

OK, so I totally don't need a reason to go, as I go pretty much whenever I can, for no reason at all, but you'd be a crapload of fun to travel with... and trust me, traveling with me provides blog-fodder galore.

Thomas said...

You forgot about South Africa, like Australia just better.

Have you seen the UK office with Ricky Gervais? Epic! Watch it! Epic!

Oh and life coach is the new black in 2010, watch this space.

Astharis said...

I think you'd be disappointed if you came over to England to see the teeth... They're no where near as bad as people make out!

...or maybe I'm just blind to it. :p

Sam_I_am said...

I've been to England, so when you and Diane go... and Capricorn, since it'd be sh*tty of you to not take her too, I want to come too. I will have to blog about the drunk scotsmen outside our window the first night we were there. It was fantastic!

Heather said...

Oh my God, the Billy Mays bit cracked me up. You nailed him. Okay, so I guess you didn't actually "nail" him, because that would just imply that my early comment about sexual orientation was, in fact, correct. I guess I mean you were dead on in your impersonation of him. Yes.. that's probably better.
Can't wait for this week's rundown of Bromance. I almost watched it myself but decided to wait.

BeckEye said...

Billy Mays is from Pittsburgh, so that alone makes him kind of awesome.

stealthnerd said...

"Also, Alaska, because I'd like to see Russia."

That? Made. My. Day.

Also, @BeckEye--did not know that Billy Mays was from the 'Burgh too. Am somehow not entirely surprised.

Miss Fabulous said...

I love your answers. I may steal the questions myself. You will love Bromance. Especially the shower scene. I can't wait for the play by play!

Finger Talks said...

i am adding myself to the list of frolickers on the England trip. you'll need a jersey girl there to protect you from pick pockets and general ruffians.


FunnyGal KAT said...

Wait, did we know Andy's Mom won him first place in the holiday door decorating contest? I'm not sure I remember reading that announcement. But tell the truth, WildARS, did anyone else participate? And is there a possibility you would be disqualified if someone were to anonymously alert the judges your mom was the one who got the books out of the library, bought the foam core, constructed the volcano out of paper mache and taught you how to mix the baking soda and vinegar to make it erupt? (or, you know, did all the decorating?)

Kellie said...

You've got my stomach growling now by referencing Elf Fudge cookies and Olive Garden breadsticks. Hello lunch!

Jest said...

A life couch would be an interesting job. Perhaps you could do that on the side for the simple reason of being able to tell us about it.

Jest said...

Life coach...I meant to say, though a life couch..that may be fun as well.

Liz said...

Ok, I love you...just had to say it... can't help it... will you marry one of my daughters in 10 years? The Jonas bros. will probably kidnap Capricorn after the fabulous HJ she gave them... oh wait... that was on a previous blog...Crap!

You gave the best answers to the questions.. perfect!

bex said...

The OxyClean guy is on my list of top scariest things, right behind the ebola virus. Why is he always yelling?!

spleeness said...

"England- the historic sites, the culture, the teeth" -- that was priceless, esp. having been there.

Life coach, I'd hire you!

Lump said...

Have you thought about being a preacher? I'm being serious.


Hey, how much would you charge to be my life coach? And I'm being serious.

Herding Cats said...

Billy Mays is pretty sexy. SHAMWOW!

KatieSaysSo said...

I dont know which was making me fall out of my seat laughing more...the Billy Mays thing or the Alaska comment....you are so great!! hahaha!!!!

Racquel Valencia said...

Life coach, eh? Sign me up. I'm always looking for people to tell me what to do.

Amy xxoo said...

Forget England and get yourself down here to Australia.... i volunteer to take you and Capricorn to my local zoo ( the biggest open range zoo in the southern hemisphere i might add )... ooh, and we could climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge, and go to the Great Barrier Reef, and.... i'm excited!

Andy said...

Diane- I'd go anywhere with you, and beside, I already promised that you're going places
Thomas- I really need to catch the British version
Astharis- Yeah, just like not all Americans are fat slobs...I get you.
Sam- She's coming, for sure. Her commentary is funnier than anything I write on this blog; she just won't let me write any of it down.
Heather- Mouth, meet foot. And yes, I'm excited to watch, too.
Beck- I'll be in Pittsburgh next weekend, so I'll watch out for him.
Stealth- The 'Burgh connections are everywhere. Go Steelers!
Fab- Shower scene!?!??!
Finger- I'm so glad you're back from the blog dead.
KAT- Yes, that was my sneaky way of announcing it. She won a big gift card! I'm giving it to her this weekend. Full credit to her.
Kellie- Mmmm. I'm hungry too.
Jest- I wonder how I can get that job as life coach. Ideas?
Liz- I heart you too. H-jobs for everyone!
Bex- He's EXCITED!
Spleeness- Another customer. I'll rolling in dough.
Lump- Interesting thought, although I'd probably be too radical and/or anti-howreligionhasalwaysbeendone for it to work. And yes, I'll coach you.
Cats- I want one of those Shamwows. My birthday is in a few weeks. Present?
Katie- Thanks! Add me to your following list, won't you? It'll be like we're best friends.
Racquel- Keep on keepin' on. That's my advice.
Amy- That sounds amazing. You Aussies and your awesomeness.

Bon Don said...

I think Heather just about covered the smart ass comment I was going to leave! I heart Heather she made me laugh.

*Bon Don*

~Sheila~ said...

My superpower I would like to have would be to control other's minds. I'd get a massage anytime I wanted and my kids would clean the whole house without complaing.

That's not too selfish is it?

*~Dani~* said...

You really channeled Billy Mays there. I was just about ready to go out and buy milk and Jesus.

Jenners said...

Damn you are good! I think you should quit your job and become a full-time comedy writer! You are that good! Of course, I'm not going to fund you for the first penniless years while you struggle and eventually break through but I support you in your decision to do so.

Geiger Girl said...

Loved your Alaska comment, we can spy on the Russians from my front porch!

Been going through an Alaskan movie marathon (30 Days of Night, Insomnia, Mystery Alaska). Funniest part in Mystery, Alaska is when a helicopter comes to town and somebody comments "It looks Russian!" I'm thinking Palin is on to something there....

LBluca77 said...

Australia!! Take me with you.

JenBun said...

I pimped your Bromance re-caps in Mindy's comments. Her readers are depending on you too!

Sara said...

You should definitely go the life coach route. If Eric Nies can do it so can you!

Anonymous said...

Dude. Are you...drunk?

Andy said...

Bon Don- I heart her too.
Sheila- I think it's perfectly acceptable.
Dani- If they did sell Jesus in a store, what aisle would he be in? Produce?
Jenners- That was one of the nicest compliments I've heard in a while- thanks!
Geiger- I liked 30 Days of Night, even if no one else did.
LBluca- We're going to need a charter plane at this rate.
JenBun- No pressure, Andy, no pressure.
Sara- Eric Nies is on a VH1 reality show about being a washed up star. It's heartwarming.
Haute- Wharu tulkin bout purdy lady?

Mel said...

THAT? Was the funniest/most inventive superhero power I've ever seen anyone choose! I'm totally going to be thinking that next time I'm buying milk! And, going to Alaska to see Russia? I almost spit out my tea!

Alyssa said...

I'm totally feeling the Jesus bit. Kuddos, Pastor Andy, I wish I wrote that!

*~Dani~* said...

Silly Andy...Jesus would not be in the produce aisle. You would find him in aisle 12, the greeting card aisle, spreading his message to all.

Dubious George said...

I really resent your reference to "dubious answers" being a bad thing(!)

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