To discuss a golden opportunity for awards commentary

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association, evidently undeterred and unimpressed by my own awards ceremony last week, held their own little affair last night.
Always on the look out to keep you updated, I was all over it like a spray tan on an actress.
Here are my observations from a night of the Golden Globe awards. Do not read if you haven't seen the list of winners:

• While watching the red carpet stuff with Ryan Seacrest, Megan Fox appeared. Capricorn thinks Megan is a beautiful actress, and many 14-year-old boys secret magazine stashes agree. Then Megan proceeded to say things like "Well, I have a 22-inch waist, so..." And now Capricorn wants to punch her in the face.
• The awards get underway quickly, but the presenters just read off the names with little fanfare. Me: "They're not showing video clips of the nominees?" Capricorn (matter of factly): "Babe, it's a recession."
• When did Sting become homeless? Roxanne's hiding in his beard.
  
• When's the last time Eva Longoria ate a carb? She makes Megan Fox look like the fat kid. And were her nipples surgically removed, because a dress that low-cut should be revealing them by now, and I'm concerned Tony Parker will have to breast feed his own child.
• In what became a theme for the night, the nominees no one thought would win were seated in the rear between the bathrooms and the kitchen. When they inevitably won, it would take five minutes for them to get to the stage, as none of the show producers thought it might be smart to follow basic fire code procedures and leave a straight path to anywhere.
• And the winner for Best Actor in a TV Drama is... Hugh Laurie? Jon Hamm? No! It's the guy in the very back on a show no one's heard of! Both of his fans must be going nucking futs!
  
• Drew Barrymore decided to A) become a lesbian for the night (she held hands with Jessica Lange all night) and B) bring back her hair-do from The Wedding Singer.... "I'm embarrassed for her," Capricorn said.
• If you could pick a few stars to sit with at the Golden Globes, who would it be? I chose Alec Baldwin, Steve Carell and Marisa Tomei. Capricorn chose Johnny Depp ("That is my boyfriend if you die, just so you know"), Miley and Billy Ray Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. Then she informed me I wasn't invited to her table because "I can't be giving h-jobs to the Jonas Brothers with you sitting there." Fair point.
• And the winner for Best Supporting Actor in a Movie is... Heath Ledger!... "Heath's dead tonight, so I'll accept this award on his behalf." (Too soon? Should I make an Aaliyah or Left Eye joke instead?)
• Salma Hayek hasn't met a low-cut dress she didn't like.
• "Vicky Cristina Barcelona" wins Best Comedy, and for the viewers' pleasure, Woody Allen and Scarlett Johansson are nowhere to be found and Penelope Cruz is stuck in the back of the group on stage. I know it's a group effort blah blah blah but no one paid to see that movie because of the producer's agent and the costume designer. They went to see Scarlett and Penelope kiss, which should have been recreated, Madonna and Britney style, without the plummeting career aftermath.
• Kate Winslet, in total shock after winning Best Actress for Titanic II: I'll Never Let Go Oh Wait I Just Did My Bad You Died, thanks the other nominees... but forgets to name Angelina Jolie. Angelina forces a smile and mentally makes a note of ruining Kate's marriage, homewrecker style.
• And the winner of Best Picture-Drama is... Slumdog Millionaire? Really? We didn't get over Juno-itis yet with these little movies that could? Even in a recession, we're still outsourcing our products to India.

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Thanks to all those who participating in Word Verification Friday- there's still time if you want to join. A special Mad Libs will be made with the definitions.

To discuss word verification, thanks and porn

After a long but fun week of some lengthy, time-consuming posts (what, you think Cosmo and Brody Jenner write this stuff for me?), I'm turning over the reins to you today. Let's call it Word Verification Friday.
Just like we did once in December, here's your assignment when you comment on this post: Look at the spam verification word. Whatever it is, no matter what, you have to write a definition for it. So if it's "buffgwen,' for example, you could say it's a toned, taut former No Doubt singer.
If we get enough people participating, I'll do another Mad Libs. That should be motivation, right?

Thanks to all of you who gave me an Honest Scrap award recently (including Bianca, Kim, among others)-- muchas gracias. See? I'm so thankful I busted out my 9th grade Spanish. Tu madre trabajas en la esquina. I also got a Rockin' Girl Blogger Award from Jossie Posie. I think that's a compliment. Thanks, Jossie! Since I just handed out awards earlier this week, I'll just take these ones and run with them.

And don't forget, today is the last chance to vote in the Body Part poll. Vaginas are crushing so far. Transgendered readers are wayyyy behind with one vote, much to the chagrin of Isis.

Evidently, all of my talk about groins and Cosmo has gotten me porn-listed. I discovered this:
"One of our members added your page to the Pornography topic on StumbleUpon. Each time our members who are interested in Pornography "stumble upon" your page using our toolbar, it will record an entry on your referral logs."
I'm doing porn! Mom, take a look at me now!

To discuss the Wild ARS Awards: They've got pomp AND circumstance

I have a tough time letting things go. Nickelodeon's "SNICK." Last fall's fashion. Bosoms. And 2008. Not like it was the best year, but it was the year I started blogging, reinvigorating my interest in the Internet not seen since the early days of instant messaging. So it's only fair that I honor those that have made my first year so memorable- all of you. Here are the winners of the 2008 Wild ARS Awards. Collect your button, leave a speech and celebrate the best of 2008... No one's allowed to pull a Faith Hill or Kanye though, or I'll revoke your trophy.

Blog Categories:

Most prolific and supportive commenters on WildARS: AmyXXOO, MissTiff, and Sheila. Out of all the commenters, I most frequently look to make sure you three like what I wrote. Plus, you've been with me for a long time. We go way back. Like, a few months.
Blog that keeps me laughing: Hautepocket and Motherhood in NYC. I am still laughing at some of the things Haute said in our Q&A mailbag, and Marinka can make something innocent like a Reese Witherspoon TV show appearance into a good time had by all.
Best new blog: SamIAm is funny all the time, plus she's always up for a good meme. Coincidentally, we went to college together, but have talked FAR more since we started blogging.
Most consistently entertaining: LBluca. One of her posts, "My Boobs Work for Free Drinks," was the stuff wet dreams are made of. And she has great TMI Thursdays.
Sweetest, Cutest Girlfriend on a Blog: Capricorn (She wanted her own award, and how could I say no to this face? Oops, I meant this one.)
Best blogger at old-school references: Joshlos. When we wrote about our favorite sports movies, he whipped out references left and right, and even used the street-savvy spelling of 2pac. That's not to mention his old-school MySpace posts.
Most likely to make me jealous of their writing ability: No Ordinary Rollercoaster. He helped turn what would've been another excellent co-blog into one that took on a life of its own. It might be because of his Dream Date with me.
Blog sure to go big places in 2009: Diane's Addled Ramblings. Her comment totals keep growing and growing as she gets funnier and funnier. And Southern Belle- Those Aussie word definitions are bound to cause an Internet sensation.
Most fashionable blog: Love Maegan. Now she just has to let me do a Simply Gratuitous post with her.
Best photos on a blog: Erin's animal shots are one of the reasons I got interested in getting a DSLR.
Best blog at keeping it real (funny): Smell the Glove and Lump. They are more honest than a lie detector test, that is, if the lie detector dropped the f-bomb and used sexual references often. That would be one sweet lie detector test.
Best blog post titles: The Funny Gals always have a good one: How much is that doggy... in the cardboard box... out by the road... at 5 o'clock in the morning?
Best blog title: My Friends Are Sluts... I wonder what she calls her enemies.
Best writing style: Finger Talks. Now if only I could get her to write more often. She's like the J.D. Salinger of bloggers... On the guys' side, I admire how So@24 expertly breaks down his dating failures and need for a good woman.
Best compliment about me: Tie: "Andy will pop culture the piss out of you." Thanks, JenBun... I hope you're pissed at me all day.... And: "You're like the gay friend I wish I had, except your straight." Thanks, Heather. We should totally go clothes shopping together.
Best Get to Know Me Post: I rolled out my inaugural Get to Know Me Week last November, and so many of you participated. But Geiger Girl took the cake-- She talked about Playboy, pot, Mormons and her mom, all in one post!
Most original blog ideas: J-Money's House series using instant message lingo is genius and hilarious. Or, as she would say, shiz so funneee lol.
Best blog design: Elle Michelle. Clean, elegant, uncluttered... the opposite of mine.

And finally: My Favorite Blog Entries of '08 (Since I started blogging, at least)
(Drum roll and shots of the contenders in split screen):

Honorable Mention: SamIAm... The writing style she chose for this meme is just perfect, as is her description of junior high school life.
Second runner up: "Lost My Hoboken Virginity" by Finger Talks... For various funny phrases, such as her breakdown of pre-gaming for a night on the town: "Stage three: random pictures of each other doing things that we're sure will be hilarious in the morning when we can remember where we are or where are pants went."
First Runner Up: My Friends Are Sluts, "Not For Weak Stomachs in the Audience."... One of those "Fluids are likely to burst through your nose it's that funny" kind of posts.

And my favorite blog entry: J-Money, "Warning: Use As Directed." I could have chosen several from her site, but this is one that sticks out in my mind. I can only hope to have something awful like this happen to me so I can write about it. Fingers crossed!
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Don't fret if you didn't haul in an award this time- If I'm reading your blog, I must like you, because why else would I keep coming back? Plus, there will be more awards in future months, and I like to spread those around like herpes at afterprom.

Thanks to everyone who has read me so far these past five months...you stroke my ego more than a $5 hooker with a $100 bill...
If you haven't already, add me to your "Following" list, your Google reader, or befriend my Facebook fan page- it will help me feel less guilty about reading 50 blogs a day.

If you happened to have won an award, feel free to take the button to show off (just link it back to this post). It's not an MTV Movie Award popcorn trophy, and there's no swag... but it's better than a kick in the groin, right?

To discuss an awards show Kanye would be proud of:

Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Americans, and to you non-Americans, sorry we took over your land/slaughtered your people/fought against your country/think we're better than you at everything/steal all your good ideas and claim them as our own/lust over your women and David Beckham.

Anyway, I thought you should see what I was up to last week:
I got my Kanye West on.
For a skit I wrote for church about Kanye putting himself above, well, everybody else, I donned my shutter shades, pimp chain and cardigan. The script involved Kanye crashing an awards ceremony because he's upset he didn't win (like that would ever happen)...
Here's the rap I performed in front of frightened church-goers:
(To the tune of "Baby Got Back")
I like myself and I cannot lie
You other brothas can't deny
When West walks in with diamonds on his waist
And a mic up in your face
You back up.
Wanna call my bluff?
Cause you know that West's the stuff.
So ladies, ladies,
Wanna know why people love me?
Then turn around
Walk it out
Even George Dubya got to shout
Kanye got that.

Even Capricorn had to try on the shutter shades, except she makes them look good:


On to the important stuff. It's awards time again! She's Lump busted out an award on me, which, coming from her and her hilarious blog, is high praise indeed. I'm going to break the rules some with this "Your Blog is Fabulous!" award and give it to one blog I've long been a fan of, and one I recently discovered:
(drum roll, done to the syncopated beats of Kanye's "Love Lockdown," please)

The first award goes to Ben, of No Ordinary Rollercoaster.
I just can't deny it. After reading all sorts of great stuff on his blog- his dream dates are some of the funniest posts around) I knew I had team up with him one day. But, when we made it a three-day co-blog event, the results were magical thanks to his great humor. I only can hope that one day I have the talent and wit he has. And on top of that, he has a cute wiener.

The second award goes to someone who might be able to match me, episode by episode, at recalling Saved by the Bell, and who is able to amuse me simply by writing about bagels. How could such a person exist? She exists, alright. She's Stealthnerd from Strict Shenaniganist. Like me, she also has theories about America's Next Top Model. It's a good time had by all, if the "all" is blogland and the "good time" is belly laughs.
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A special awards shout-out to Funny Gals. Last time I gave out awards, I complimented you two ladies for being so supportive of each other that you cover for when the other person can't blog, but you were hoping for compliments on your writing style. Let this be my declaration that you put the Funny in Funny Gals, and, as I mentioned before, you're both kick me in the crotch fantastic.

To discuss the second award presentation. Envelope, please.

Continuing our awards presentation from yesterday, I'm now going to hand out the Superior Scribbler award, which was bestowed upon me (we all need to be doing a lot more bestowing... and begatting) by Diane.

As we did before, acceptance speeches are welcome, unless you're going to run on stage like Kanye West. In that case, just don't say anything ignorant. And I do want to know "who" you are wearing. Today I've got on a H&M blue striped dress shirt, a tie from Salvation Army, French Shriner (?!) black loafers and grey slacks from somebody.
As always, there are rules when you give out these suckers, although you don't have to follow them, because you're a rebel:
- Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
- Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
- Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
- Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List.


I'm giving this out to three people, so as not to cause award inflation over a two-day period:

* Sam at Yes, I Know "Sam" is a boy's Name: I already listed her as having one of my favorite posts of October, so she must be doing something right to get an award already. Her latest example of rightness comes today, actually, courtesy of this context-free quote: "It's not healthy to fantasize about murdering your ex-boyfriend. At least not to this extent...."
* Finger of Finger Talks: I've got all kinds of love for this Jersey girl. Blog love, true love, creepy love, much love, stalker love. When she parties, she parties. Trust me.
* Patrick of Patrickwalsh.blog-city.com: You know what? I don't care that Patty Walsh recently made it big-time writing TV scripts (lately for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia). I'm giving him an award anyway, in case he needs another ego boost. You hear that PW? Andy's looking out for you. I'm lavishing you with a blog award. Check out anything in his archives, such as this memory of Koreatown.

To discuss another overdue award presentation

Before I forget or procrastinate, I wanted to hand out some awards. Diane was so kind as to give me a Superior Scribbler award yesterday, and Miss Tiff gave me a Kreativ Blogger award a little while ago, so I need to start handing these puppies out to others and spread the holiday cheer or something to that effect. (If you gave me an award recently and I didn't mention it, let me know, as my memory fades like the evening tide)

Acceptance speeches are welcome and will not be cut off by the orchestra. Also, tell us who you are wearing for the ceremony (not "what," as evidently "who" is more apropos.) Please visit the winners and bestow respect and praise and frankincense and myrrh on them. I am wearing Gap.
The rules for Kreativ Blogger:
1.) Spell "Creative" in an unusual way so as to add mystery 2) List 6 things you love. 3.) List 6 Bloggers who you pass the Kreativ Blogger Award on to.

Things I love:
1) Desserts. Here's the thing- who said desserts can't be a main meal? Why don't we start viewing desserts as the main entree, and, say, steak as the dessert? More ice cream, fewer potatoes. Just a thought.
2) Bailey. No matter how many times my chiweenie poops on something he shouldn't, barks at strangers, costs me hundreds in vet bills or is generally useless, he still finds a way to curl up in my lap and look cute. Except for that time when he pooped in my lap.
3) Pittsburgh sports teams. It's easy to love the Steelers; they are always good. Try loving the Pirates- they haven't had a winning season in 16 years. And I follow their every move. Read all the stories, watch games, look at the blogs. It's a sickness.
4) Christmas music. I'm listening to it right now- "The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy," to be specific. And you know what? It's the cat's meow, if the cat is wearing a Santa hat and the meow is a "Ho Ho Mewww." I love Christmas music... but that's another post for another day.
5) Zombie movies. I've previously mentioned my love for "28 Days Later" and "Dawn of the Dead." There's something about dead people trying to murder others that just gets me in a tizzy.
6) Karaoke. You can't suck at karaoke. It's impossible. Either you can really sing, and then it's fun to listen, or you are awful, and everybody joins in and appreciates the awfulness, especially if it's to anything by Queen or AC/DC.

And the awards go to:
KK at WillWorkforShoes: I just started reading KK's blog recently, and it rocks my socks. A recent post title, "Me + Vodka = BFFs" well, just says it all.
Muffy Willowbrook at My Friends are Sluts: Despite my concern that her friends are destined for hell, I am always impressed with the Muff-meisters humor and writing. Check out the lead phrase in this story about Minnesota.
KAT and SJ at FunnyGals: The best part about this blog is that they are so supportive of each other. When one girl is unable to blog for awhile, the other picks up the slack, i.e. "If Everyone Claps Their Hands Really Loudly..."
Sheila at Here We Go: You should check her blog if only to see how low the gas prices are in Texas. Also, because she's a funny mom, a MTMML, if you will (Mom That Makes Me Laugh). Check out this old school post.
Brandon at ThinkOutsidethePun: The disclosure here is that I went to college with Brandon... which makes his blog even better, because he clearly puts more effort into all the political humor/satire on the blog than he did in any of his pre-11 a.m. classes. Check out WTF.
Lump at She's Lump: Because she's in my head. And she might be dead. (guitar riff)... Lump and I found each other recently, and I think I can fairly say we have a mutual respect for each other's inane humor and interests. Check out My Trip to the Garden State Sans Natalie Portman.

Check out the Superior Scribbler award winners tomorrow...

(Un)deserved Awards

You are all too kind... Thanks to:

Desperately Seeking Seersucker

Children of the 90s

Me, Amplified


Heather


My Everyday Soap (Opera)


Spleen and her readers


Kellie


Diane


Angilio



Miss Tiff


Miss Tiff, again


She's Lump