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Thursday, January 22, 2009

To discuss photo infamy, one large pair of glasses at a time

It's finally time. I gave you a teaser on Tuesday, let it stew on Wednesday, let it marinate Thursday, and now you're either really hungry or you're really excited to see embarrassing photos of me.
Here's the background:
Capricorn came to my hometown for the first time last weekend. After a tour of the house, my parents, Capricorn and I came to the family room. I pointed to the rows of VHS tapes we still own, perhaps in hopes that DVDs will fall out of fashion one day... or that Blu Ray discs will cause AIDS. As we sit down, my mom announces she's found a video she'd love to show Capricorn.
Once the tape started rolling, I realized it was home movie footage, shot on our first and only VHS camcorder, back when I was in the 5-7 age range. The following is a photo montage I hope you appreciate as much as Capricorn does, because she is still laughing about it to this day.

The boy in the prison stripes? That's me. The blond boy on the far left with the tasteful, tropical clothing is my younger brother. I have no idea who those chicks were, but I'm sure they were digging my chili. The mojo is just too strong....At this point, I am at Sesame Place, the theme park for Sesame Street where the fun never stops...

But you wouldn't know it by this photo. I look angrier than John Stamos every time he thinks of Jerry O'Connell. I'm not sure why I'm upset, although it could have something to do with the fact I look like a prepubescent Candy Striper and sick elderly people kept coming up to me for sponge baths.

But the good times did roll, thanks to this miracle of (then) modern technology. My brother and I starred in a blue-screen, live action video of Sesame Street, in which we were digitally imposed in the video with Sesame Street characters such as Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert and Ernie before Prop 8 forced them to move to Massachusetts.

I wasn't kidding about the blue screen. Still don't know who this girl is, but she wasn't as impressed by my paddling skills as perhaps she should have been. I'm wondering why they gave us life vests, but no helmets. I could have hit my head on a digitally-imposed rock and digitally gushed blood.

My scene involved paddling a boat with Ernie and Bert, and we end up rowing over a waterfall. In what is a portent of my future acting skills, I totally ham it up, overact and try to steal the scene. Ernie and Bert, pissed off at me for stealing what they had hoped would be pre-Brokeback Mountain Oscar thunder, flick me off when the cameras stop taping. But, because of their Muppet fingers, it only looks like they are giving me a thumbs up, so I assume they were impressed.

Yes, that was the title of the video. Capricorn and I burst out laughing. What are the odds- Wild ARS Chase/Wild Duckie Chase? Was this some subconscious thing going on? Should I just rename the blog? Too many questions.


At this point, Mom popped in a second home video. Mind you, I had never seen any of these, nor had any previous girlfriends seen them. Capricorn must be doing something right... This video covers a Christmas around third grade-ish. What's amazing is that, as you can see, I'm trying to give a news report. Even back then, I wanted to do news. Note to third grade self: "Dude, there is no money or respect in this news business. Use some sense and get a business degree instead. Also, invest in something called "Google." And don't give a girl named Krista a Valentine in two months. It won't end well."

My brother mugs for the camera. That's not unusual. What is strange and disturbing is that I appear to be pulling down my pants and/or grabbing my young junk, on camera. This, fortunately, did not turn into a routine. Now I only do it off-camera.

Want another round? Try this middle school one on for size. It's me playing clarinet, the only boy in our band to do so (Andy, maybe that should have been a clue that, you know, you could have chosen a brass instrument or drums or something that wouldn't have resulted in further emasculating yourself.) The best part about this video is you can see me tapping my toe to the beat... except I'm never on beat, and it appears my foot has Tourettes. Also, it's evident I'm years ahead of the fashion trend by wearing what appear to be capris.

Although not part of the videos, I'd be remiss if I didn't share this embarrassing photo Capricorn saw on our wall of family photos. I'm a gymnast, dressed as what appears to be the gayest of all the Village People. I will say that my form is impeccable.

Oh, why not-- a modern day photo. This is the zip-up sweater my mom shrunk in the dryer. She continues to feel bad about it and was hoping it had stretched out enough to fit. Judges?

33 comments:

bianca said...

This post is amazing. I love going to my friend's parent's houses and looking at childhood pictures/videos. Not only are they hilarious, but it's funny how much you and your friends are still the same after so many years. My favorite video may be the one of me and my best friend the year we were on the same soccer team and we were too busy braiding our hair to focus on the game. Our team was running around and we stood still.

And the headband in your gymnast photo: classic!

p.huong said...

Cute! My mom looked through all of my prom pictures and picked one out and put it up with the rest of our family photos. Interestingly, she chose a picture of me and my gay friend Allan instead of my actual date. Allan and some friends came over one day and saw it. We were both embarrassed. We looked like a couple. I don't think my mom knows that Allan is gay.

Thomas said...

I'm loving this, except for the gymnast photo..

Dude, Freddie Mercury and Oscar Wilde have nothing on you. That feather bit, classic!

Amy xxoo said...

Weren't you just the cutest little kid? With those glasses, you kind of reminded me of Jonathon Lipnicki, only your head isnt as square...

Ben said...

I played the clarinet for six years!!!

We're officially in love.

I mean friends.

(I mean in love.)

Lump said...

awwww what happened? You were way too cute.

I think you should get a pair of those glasses again. Seriously.

Srg said...

Oh look at those outfits! And the glasses! How great to bring back all those 80s memories. It reminds me that I haven't been filming my son enough lately and I better get cracking or I'll have nothing to show his future girlfriends!

Finger Talks said...

oh boy, i think you should bring back that gymnast outfit. OWN IT!
I heart you!
Most of my home videos my mom is catching me doing something bad... pre-shadowing maybe???

Racquel Valencia said...

Just so you know, I'm reading this from work.

FROM WORK!!!

This is how much you mean to me.

Herding Cats said...

I think the gymnast photo tops them all. SO CUTE!

kk said...

almost choked on my oatmeal at the gymnast photo...that one, by far, takes the cake.

Hey, at least you know what will be shown if they ever do an E! True Hollywood Story about you.

stealthnerd said...

Bless you for posting these! They are so cute and sooo accurate for the times, I mean, who doesn't love looking back at the glasses from youth--we ALL owned the big owl frames!

Dr Zibbs said...

Sesame Place. I used to work 5 minutes from there. Also, that "ballerina" picture's hilarious.

Liz said...

Hahahaha! Capricorn is still around???

You were adorable... & still are...

Great post!!!

Sam_I_am said...

So, Capricorn is the only gf to see these? This seems awful suspicious of your mum. Maybe she was testing her to see if she'd run screaming for the hills, so you wouldn't be spending time with someone who wouldn't stick around to give her grandchildren?

I played clarinet and even I didn't want to. I got to college and played drums.

Andy said...

Bianca- That's amazing. I can just imagine you two amidst the soccer turmoil.
P- Oh, maybe she did and was hoping you two were a couple
Thomas- I've never been compared to Freddie before. This marks a new chapter in my life.
Amy- Um.. thanks? My bro looks like Macaulay Calkin.
Ben- I love you too.
Lump- I'm going to get new glasses soon... but they won't look like those. You can't remake a classic like that.
SRG- Get on it! There's no time to waste.
Finger- I'm working that outfit like nobody's business.
Racquel- You're a bad mother trucker. And I appreciate it.
Herding- I'll take cute- I'll take any compliments I can get on that one.
KK- Excellent point. I'm sure they will.
Stealth- Now you must post an equally embarrassing photo.
Zibbs- Were you the other boy in my photo?
Liz- She loves me more because of it.
Sam- I think my mom loves Capricorn.

SouthernBelle said...

Hahaha, gold.

I waited until I was engaged to Mr Belle before he was allowed to see any of my awkward stage photos. I still cringe but he is stuck with me now!

Actually when we were in Australia (last week!) my Dad pulled out a home video of me which I allowed Mr Belle to watch - it was excruciating! Giant glasses and bad hair... yikes!

Emily said...

excellent form, my friend!! although i am questioning the functionality of a feather headdress in a tumbling routine.

Anonymous said...

you literally had me in tears with those pics ...

Miss Fabulous said...

Gymnast photo = I now know why you heart Bromance so much.

Paula said...

Awesome!!! I'm pissing myself at them all!

I particularly like the modern-day one though. That was the icing on the cake!

FunnyGal KAT said...

Sweater, what zip-up sweater? I can't take my eyes off the gymnast photo long enough to help you solve that problem. That has got to be the funniest picture of a little kid I've ever seen (that's not rhetoric-- I seriously think it's the absolute funniest I've seen!) You must find ways to use that photo-- new header for WildARS Chase, Bromance application, headshot when you win a Pulitzer...

Sarah said...

i think the gymnast photo needs a permanent place on your blog. my home movies are also quite embarrassing - i had an affinity for singing and dancing for the camera.

Kellie said...

OMG, your gymnast photo!?! Pure awesomesauce. I love it. These are great!

Teej said...

that sweater is my size now, gimme! :-)also, i think I have a picture in that same leotard and feather headband, twinkies!

*~Dani~* said...

That gymnast photo rocks! The best part is how damn proud you look. Way to own it! P.S. I do not think I will be posting any old awkward photos of myself anytime soon. I am still in therapy.

kisatrtle said...

So can you still do any gymnastic moves? Backflips? Cartwheels? Rings? That breakdancing horse thing?

Jest said...

I thought my favourite photo was the inappropriate one of you and your brother. Until I got to the gymnast photo. Words cannot explain....

Andy said...

Oh my- I jsut hope Capricorn enjoyed this as much as I did. I'm actually pretty close to peeing my pants... The best one has to be the one with your pants... TOO GOOD.

hautepocket said...

Those photos are amazing. Has everyone ever told you that, as a child, I had a semi-mullet? Of course no one told you that, but it doesn't make it false. Perhaps one day I will share...but, probably not. ;)

Jenners said...

Just back from vacation and catching up on blogs and I'm soooo glad I didn't miss this one!

First photo made me think "Boy in the Striped Pajamas." Children's book and recent movie, I think, about a boy in a concentration camp.

Photo with the big glasses: Totally made me think Peter Billingsley in A Christmas Story. I had those same glasses with 10x thicker lenses in CLEAR plastic so they would, you know, blend in with my face.

The dance thing totally cracked me up. This was hilarious!

Love this post. I'm working on one called "Evolution of a Nerd" that will document my metamorphosis from darling blond haired girl to complete and utter nerd. Isn't blogging fun?

And Sesame Place ... we go there now with my son. Looks a bit different but still the same.

amindinmotown said...

Ah, Sesame Place. The lamest day trip on earth for every young Pennsylvanian.

~Sheila~ said...

Loving the tights!!!
Gotta say. Not exactly a look I have ever imagined for you. Not that I imagine you wearing anything (and I'm not meaning that in a perverted way...unless..that's how you want to perceive it, then ok..) but still.
The head band... very chic.
I think the form is awesome and you have great lines. (the toes could have been a little closer together though)

SCORE: 8.5

I WANNA PLAY!!! I WANNA PLAY!!!

Give me a chance to find my pic and I will let you know...It may be awhile since I'm going to be out of town! But I'm definitely in!

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