To discuss photo infamy, one large pair of glasses at a time

It's finally time. I gave you a teaser on Tuesday, let it stew on Wednesday, let it marinate Thursday, and now you're either really hungry or you're really excited to see embarrassing photos of me.
Here's the background:
Capricorn came to my hometown for the first time last weekend. After a tour of the house, my parents, Capricorn and I came to the family room. I pointed to the rows of VHS tapes we still own, perhaps in hopes that DVDs will fall out of fashion one day... or that Blu Ray discs will cause AIDS. As we sit down, my mom announces she's found a video she'd love to show Capricorn.
Once the tape started rolling, I realized it was home movie footage, shot on our first and only VHS camcorder, back when I was in the 5-7 age range. The following is a photo montage I hope you appreciate as much as Capricorn does, because she is still laughing about it to this day.

The boy in the prison stripes? That's me. The blond boy on the far left with the tasteful, tropical clothing is my younger brother. I have no idea who those chicks were, but I'm sure they were digging my chili. The mojo is just too strong....At this point, I am at Sesame Place, the theme park for Sesame Street where the fun never stops...

But you wouldn't know it by this photo. I look angrier than John Stamos every time he thinks of Jerry O'Connell. I'm not sure why I'm upset, although it could have something to do with the fact I look like a prepubescent Candy Striper and sick elderly people kept coming up to me for sponge baths.

But the good times did roll, thanks to this miracle of (then) modern technology. My brother and I starred in a blue-screen, live action video of Sesame Street, in which we were digitally imposed in the video with Sesame Street characters such as Big Bird, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert and Ernie before Prop 8 forced them to move to Massachusetts.

I wasn't kidding about the blue screen. Still don't know who this girl is, but she wasn't as impressed by my paddling skills as perhaps she should have been. I'm wondering why they gave us life vests, but no helmets. I could have hit my head on a digitally-imposed rock and digitally gushed blood.

My scene involved paddling a boat with Ernie and Bert, and we end up rowing over a waterfall. In what is a portent of my future acting skills, I totally ham it up, overact and try to steal the scene. Ernie and Bert, pissed off at me for stealing what they had hoped would be pre-Brokeback Mountain Oscar thunder, flick me off when the cameras stop taping. But, because of their Muppet fingers, it only looks like they are giving me a thumbs up, so I assume they were impressed.

Yes, that was the title of the video. Capricorn and I burst out laughing. What are the odds- Wild ARS Chase/Wild Duckie Chase? Was this some subconscious thing going on? Should I just rename the blog? Too many questions.


At this point, Mom popped in a second home video. Mind you, I had never seen any of these, nor had any previous girlfriends seen them. Capricorn must be doing something right... This video covers a Christmas around third grade-ish. What's amazing is that, as you can see, I'm trying to give a news report. Even back then, I wanted to do news. Note to third grade self: "Dude, there is no money or respect in this news business. Use some sense and get a business degree instead. Also, invest in something called "Google." And don't give a girl named Krista a Valentine in two months. It won't end well."

My brother mugs for the camera. That's not unusual. What is strange and disturbing is that I appear to be pulling down my pants and/or grabbing my young junk, on camera. This, fortunately, did not turn into a routine. Now I only do it off-camera.

Want another round? Try this middle school one on for size. It's me playing clarinet, the only boy in our band to do so (Andy, maybe that should have been a clue that, you know, you could have chosen a brass instrument or drums or something that wouldn't have resulted in further emasculating yourself.) The best part about this video is you can see me tapping my toe to the beat... except I'm never on beat, and it appears my foot has Tourettes. Also, it's evident I'm years ahead of the fashion trend by wearing what appear to be capris.

Although not part of the videos, I'd be remiss if I didn't share this embarrassing photo Capricorn saw on our wall of family photos. I'm a gymnast, dressed as what appears to be the gayest of all the Village People. I will say that my form is impeccable.

Oh, why not-- a modern day photo. This is the zip-up sweater my mom shrunk in the dryer. She continues to feel bad about it and was hoping it had stretched out enough to fit. Judges?