To discuss prepubescent hijinx, and other news

Capricorn works in a pharmacy. Earlier this month, a trio of boys came into into her store. All three are probably middle school age, with one boy clearly waiting to hit his growth spurt as he was the runt of the group.

The runt walks up to Capricorn's counter and slaps a package of magnum-size condoms in front of her. He smirks, and looks at her.

"'Cause I'm a G," the runt says.

He then somewhat tosses a five-dollar bill at her, like Diddy in a Biggie Smalls video. The runt's friends laughed behind him. You get the sense the only thing extra-large about him is his perception of himself.

I love that story.

Anyway, onto the news of the day:

One of my original readers, Miss Tiff, who has come back to blogging after an extended hiatus, invited me to write a guest post today. With all the womens' magazine reading I've been doing lately, the blog topic was an easy one. Stop over and tell her I sent you- I think if I send enough people over, I get frequent flier miles or something.

To discuss some answers to your burning questions

Hey, everyone else jumped on this gravy train. And, since Miss Tiff asked, how could I say no? Here are five questions, with my incomplete, somewhat dubious answers.... And yes, Bromance lovers, I'll be doing a Play by Play, I just haven't seen the episode yet. It should be trashtastic.

1.) Who the person you admire most and why?
Was this question taken from my fourth-grade writing assignment? I think I'm supposed to say my mommy and daddy and Jesus and my mailman, who is not my daddy until paternity tests prove otherwise.
I suppose my parents would make a nice, accurate selection- they're still together, they treat me well, they support my decisions and they've done well for themselves. Plus, my mom won first place for the holiday door decoration she put together for my apartment, so she's doing something right.

2.) If you could have one superhero power, what would it be and why?
If I was being honest, I'd say invisibility, because I'd totally go watch girls get naked in the locker room... but since this isn't the superhero power I wanted in my high school fantasy, I'd say it'd be fun to be a shapeshifter, a la Mystique in X-Men, minus the blue body paint and the marriage to Jerry O'Connell. I'd make myself look like Billy Mays and then spend the rest of the day shouting about how excited I am: "Billy Mays here for MILK. I'm at the self-check out with ordinary people who are BLOWN AWAY by MILK!. Can you BELIEVE THE POWER OF MILK? This has got JUST ONE PERCENT FAT. And look, it even works in your favorite recipes. AMAZING!" It would be great for work, for errands, and especially for church, because people would think you're overwhelmed with the spirit: "Billy Mays here for JESUS. Can you believe the POWER OF JESUS! This guy GETS OUT ALL MY SIN! I'm white as snow! And if you act now, I'll toss in NOT ONE, BUT TWO DEITIES- GOD AND THE HOLY SPIRIT! AMEN!"

3.) If you absolutely had to give up one thing you loved what would it be and why?
What, is there a gun to my head? There is? Always trying to get the white man down, aren't you?
Well, then... my career. I can't give up my family, Bailey, Capricorn, my friends, kindergarten girlfriend, or Tivo, GPS, XM radio, Elf Fudge cookies, steak, Olive Garden breadsticks, my iPod or The Office. So, see you later, journalism. It was destined to end at some point, likely with corporate layoffs, a small severance and little dignity.

4.) If you weren't in the career you are in now what would you be doing?
Oh, so I say I'd give it up at gun point, and now I have to switch careers? Kick a man while he's down. I would love to find a way to write funny blogs/scripts/ad copy for a living or do improv... but that's not exactly sustainable. How about a life coach? I'm put together, am even-keeled, and have read Rick Warren books, the book of Proverbs, Finances for Dummies and parts of Les Miserables. That should qualify me to tell someone else how to live. You'd hire me, right?

5.) If you could choose anywhere in the world to go where would it be and why?
I need to go to Australia. I'm getting tired of reading my Australian readers' blogs about how lovely it is there, without ever having seen it. And I've always wanted to go to England- the historic sites, the culture, the teeth- it would be breathtaking. Also, Alaska, because I'd like to see Russia.

To discuss another overdue award presentation

Before I forget or procrastinate, I wanted to hand out some awards. Diane was so kind as to give me a Superior Scribbler award yesterday, and Miss Tiff gave me a Kreativ Blogger award a little while ago, so I need to start handing these puppies out to others and spread the holiday cheer or something to that effect. (If you gave me an award recently and I didn't mention it, let me know, as my memory fades like the evening tide)

Acceptance speeches are welcome and will not be cut off by the orchestra. Also, tell us who you are wearing for the ceremony (not "what," as evidently "who" is more apropos.) Please visit the winners and bestow respect and praise and frankincense and myrrh on them. I am wearing Gap.
The rules for Kreativ Blogger:
1.) Spell "Creative" in an unusual way so as to add mystery 2) List 6 things you love. 3.) List 6 Bloggers who you pass the Kreativ Blogger Award on to.

Things I love:
1) Desserts. Here's the thing- who said desserts can't be a main meal? Why don't we start viewing desserts as the main entree, and, say, steak as the dessert? More ice cream, fewer potatoes. Just a thought.
2) Bailey. No matter how many times my chiweenie poops on something he shouldn't, barks at strangers, costs me hundreds in vet bills or is generally useless, he still finds a way to curl up in my lap and look cute. Except for that time when he pooped in my lap.
3) Pittsburgh sports teams. It's easy to love the Steelers; they are always good. Try loving the Pirates- they haven't had a winning season in 16 years. And I follow their every move. Read all the stories, watch games, look at the blogs. It's a sickness.
4) Christmas music. I'm listening to it right now- "The Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy," to be specific. And you know what? It's the cat's meow, if the cat is wearing a Santa hat and the meow is a "Ho Ho Mewww." I love Christmas music... but that's another post for another day.
5) Zombie movies. I've previously mentioned my love for "28 Days Later" and "Dawn of the Dead." There's something about dead people trying to murder others that just gets me in a tizzy.
6) Karaoke. You can't suck at karaoke. It's impossible. Either you can really sing, and then it's fun to listen, or you are awful, and everybody joins in and appreciates the awfulness, especially if it's to anything by Queen or AC/DC.

And the awards go to:
KK at WillWorkforShoes: I just started reading KK's blog recently, and it rocks my socks. A recent post title, "Me + Vodka = BFFs" well, just says it all.
Muffy Willowbrook at My Friends are Sluts: Despite my concern that her friends are destined for hell, I am always impressed with the Muff-meisters humor and writing. Check out the lead phrase in this story about Minnesota.
KAT and SJ at FunnyGals: The best part about this blog is that they are so supportive of each other. When one girl is unable to blog for awhile, the other picks up the slack, i.e. "If Everyone Claps Their Hands Really Loudly..."
Sheila at Here We Go: You should check her blog if only to see how low the gas prices are in Texas. Also, because she's a funny mom, a MTMML, if you will (Mom That Makes Me Laugh). Check out this old school post.
Brandon at ThinkOutsidethePun: The disclosure here is that I went to college with Brandon... which makes his blog even better, because he clearly puts more effort into all the political humor/satire on the blog than he did in any of his pre-11 a.m. classes. Check out WTF.
Lump at She's Lump: Because she's in my head. And she might be dead. (guitar riff)... Lump and I found each other recently, and I think I can fairly say we have a mutual respect for each other's inane humor and interests. Check out My Trip to the Garden State Sans Natalie Portman.

Check out the Superior Scribbler award winners tomorrow...

To discuss a Month in Review: Mr. October

If anything, each passing month seems to be more interesting than the last, which I take to be a good thing. It's been three months since I started this blog. In the past month, I've reached my 100 post mark, been to the top of the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, and paid people to make me feel nauseated. I even debuted a video, with another on the way.
On to the good stuff:

• Favorite movie: "Home Alone" Technically, I did not see this movie in October, but Capricorn (the girlfriend) bought it and we intend to watch it soon. There are so many things to like about this movie: The soundtrack, the pranks, Macaulay Culkin before he got full of himself in "Home Alone 2," lax airport security before 9/11, pumping someone's guts full of lead...Runner-up: "No Country for Old Men."(I haven't actually watched it, but I have the Blockbuster by Mail package on top of my DVD player, so I feel I've viewed its awesomeness by osmosis.)
  
• Least favorite movie: "Quarantine." Duh. I do expect anyone who has since seen this movie to leave a comment with their thoughts. I appreciate all of you who listened to my words of warning. Runner-up: Some random movie on AMC made in the 1970s about a haunted painting.
  
• Favorite song: "Use Somebody" Kings of Leon. This band has quickly become one of my favorite bands of late. I put this song on Capricorn's mix CD, in part because I thought "Sex on Fire" might be a bit too strong of a message. Runner up: "Always Where I Need to Be," The Kooks.
  
• Least favorite song: "Miss Independent" Ne-yo. Did nobody let him know that Kelly Clarkson already dibbed this?...Runner-up "T-Shirt," Shontelle (Did nobody let her know that Jessica Simpson already dibbed this?).
  
• Favorite album: "Amnesiac" Radiohead. But Andy, hasn't this album been out for almost a decade? Why, yes, Voice in My Head, it has, but this is my post so deal with it... This was the album that got me hooked on Radiohead, which makes no sense because it's one of their least popular and well-known albums. When people think of Radiohead, they think of "Creep" from Pablo Honey, or "Karma Police" from OK Computer. A song from Amnesiac is like the redheaded stepchild that's awkward and misunderstood, but you realize has a lot of potential- Tampanga on early episodes of "Boy Meets World," if you will... I could listen to "I Might Be Wrong" or "Dollars & Cents" a thousand times, even though Thom Yorke's pronunciation skills are somewhere between Eliza Doolittle with a mouth full of marbles and Stephen Hawking. You know an album is weird when your girlfriend wakes up in the middle of a song and asks why people are banging broomsticks. Runner-up: "Causing a Catastrophe-Live," Flickerstick. (No least favorite album... but feel free to suggest one).
  
• Best TV Show: "Raising the Bar" This TNT show isn't the best TV show I watched, technically. But I can't stop watching it, in part because there are Saved by the Bell connections, in part because one of the attorneys, Bobbi, needs to be the mother of my child based on her predilection to being hot all the time, and in part because it's the first legal show I've seen that focuses on the public defender's office. Runner up: "30 Rock" and "America's Next Top Model."
  
• Worst TV show: NFL broadcasts. I love watching football, but I can't stand the announcers and the pre-game guys. They always have to say "National Football League" instead of using the acronym; they can't just say "field," it's the "football field"; and they have trouble forming sentences that aren't directly based off of what the previous guy said. If they were talking about the election, it'd go like this: First dude: "When you're talking about winning the election to become president of the United States of America, you need to make sure you're driving home the votes in the final hours with the citizens of the United States of America." Second dude: "You're absolutely right. Being the president of the United States of America is all about dedication, and no one shows dedication with Americans more than someone who is running for the presidency in the United States of America."
  
• Best moment: Fall Fest 2008 and my trip to St. Louis.
  
• Worst moment: It was a good month, I have to say. But I do wish that I wasn't so quickly forgotten at my alma mater.
  
• Best decision: Applying to go to the St. Louis seminar for reporters, which reminded me of why I like my career.
  
• Worst decision: Starting the Jaguars' Fred Taylor over the Panthers' DeAngelo Williams last week in my fantasy football game, as Taylor laid an egg and Williams scored a bunch of points. It cost me a victory- my first one this season. If you are a girl and could care less about those two guys, continue reading and pretend this paragraph never happened. If you are a dude or a girl who likes sports and is awesome, feel my pain.
• Favorite Blog Entry by Me: I had two fun co-blogs in October, one with Miss Tiff and one with Amy XXOO. Runner up: To Discuss Making Capricon Uber-legal to Date.
  
• Favorite Blog Entry by Someone Else: Sam I Am had one of the funniest posts I've read in a long time, recalling jr. high school life in abridged form. A sample: "Bell: Gym class...football!...Me: I'll be center *slam* (smashes into one girl) *boom* (knocks another one over) *whap (Bulldozers another)...Random girl: two people cover Sam...Me to teammate: We're undefeated."... Runner-up: "Scary Experience" by Sheila (it'll freak you out) and "Not For the Weak Stomachs in the Audience" by Muffy Willowbrook (hysterical and off-putting).
  
  Quick blog thought: If you regularly read this blog and you noticed that I've never checked your blog out, please let me know. I do try to visit everyone who visits me, in particular those who leave a comment. If you don't say anything, I'll assume you're just an Internet stalker, which is fine with me. If you've never left a comment on here before, now's a great time to start. It'll be therapeutic. You can even make fun of me, like we're back in middle school and I'm noticeably scrawnier with an affinity for pop rock like Duncan Sheik.

To Discuss a TV Play by Play: Part 2 of Making the Band 4 season finale

Items of business before we get to the drama of Making the Band 4 season finale, part 2...

* If you haven't done so already, check out/leave comments on the video I wrote as well as the co-blog I wrote with Miss Tiff... There are few times when I'm going to outwardly ask for you to look at stuff, but considering the amount of time and effort both took, throw me a bone. There just might be another video coming soon.

* I have no idea what kind of posts I'll be able to do until Monday because I'll be in St. Louis on business. I'm hoping my hotel has Wi-Fi. I also hope it has a hot tub. I will try to collect as many memories as possible so as to share with all of you when I return.

* I haven't done a reminder in a bit, but here goes: I had great fun writing a Question and Answer last month, and it'd be fun to do one every month. But I need questions to make that happen. So send them, about any subject or idea, to wildarschase@yahoo.com, or leave them in the comments section anytime... When I get enough, I'll do a post...
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OK, enough of that serious crap, and on to...

What is going on with Danity Kane?!?!?

It's the exciting conclusion of Making the Band 4, Season Three Season Finale Part 2 (confusing, right?)

:01 Oh, nice. It's a live finale, hosted by Sway, the hip, black MTV dude with the amazing amount of hair. They always put him on the R&B/Rap topics, as if to say, Hey world, we have street cred, and he wears argyle sweaters.
:04 We get a recap of what happened last episode- Aubrey, one of the original members of girl group Danity Kane, is kicked out of the group by Diddy for being disrespectful and being "raunchy and promiscuous." It might also be because she still calls him "Puff," which is so three nicknames ago.
:05 D Woods gets kicked out! It's going down! Although I should have seen this coming. Diddy promised to get "The Troof Up in This Bitch."......... D Into the Woods does not even appear upset.
:06 Aundrea, my fake TV girlfriend, your dress is so low cut and yet somehow not revealing that I'm concerned you may not actually have nipples.
:08 Back in the TRL studio, it's the quietest I've heard it since Lindsay Lohan's music video premiered. The entire audience of teens look genuinely stunned, as am I.
:15 Now back to footage- The remaining girls- Aundrea, Dawn and Shannon- try to figure out what to do next, as Diddy walks in with his amazing ability to have theme music play when he enters.
:19 Diddy tells the girls he's still behind them and wants to stick with them in the future somehow. He tells Shannon and Dawn it's been a pleasure working with them. Then, he says to Aundrea, "You're in the problem child category." That must be Diddy speaking about the aforementioned Troof.
:26 Boy band Day 26 and solo artist Donnie Klang are on stage after the commercial break for a live interview. They are all dressed alike. Remember when Backstreet Boys did that? Yep, it's still weird.
All the guys said they're shocked this is going down, since they didn't know what happened until the footage was played. Luckily, as adult, working professionals, they are able to eloquently state their extreme emotions by mumbling a series of "knowwhadimsayin" and "youknows" and "itscrazyyo." ..... There's No Singer Left Behind in this group (That's an American joke, Aussies.)
:33 Diddy appears via satellite feed, wearing a robe poolside. He might be inebriated, because he's having trouble focusing and keeps staring at the sky like it's raining Biggie Smalls.
Sway: How hard was it to let go of Aubrey, an original member of the group?
Diddy: It really wasn't that hard.
... I really wish Diddy was more upfront.
:42 Commence awkwardness. The three remaining DK members come on stage and are still shell shocked. Fortunately, they will have time to grieve the loss of their dreams and careers by being pummeled with questions on live TV.
:49 Yep, more awkward. Although D Woods had a "scheduling conflict," Aubrey shows up. Her make-up looks much better, but she isn't doing much else to show she's not the ho Diddy says she's become... Oh crap, Aubrey just said she's tired of blogs ripping on her. Uh, love you!
:51 Aubrey said she'd rather be real and hated than be loved for something she's not... if by real she means silicone, fake eyelashes, bottle blond hair, collagen implants and a fake tan, then yeah, let's be real, America. (See previous PxP post for photo comparison)
:57 Aubrey said she's behind Danity Kane no matter what. Sway asks Diddy if there's a chance Aubrey can get back in the band.
Diddy: "Check this out baby girl. Yo-yo-yo-yo att-tude is goin' have you in a dark and lonely place.... You need to humble yo-self."
Sway: "How do you feel about that?"
Aubrey: "I mean, ev..."
Diddy: "Hold on...I want to say, I hope you vote for Obama." (WTH?)
Aubrey: "Me too!"
.... and that's it! That's the end of the show. What have we learned? Diddy's top selling group is now out two members, with no solution offered during its season finale, but we do know who to vote for, as I'm sure the Obama camp is thrilled Diddy is stumping for them. Just thrilled.

Wow....wait a second... Sway just said there's going to be another season of Making the Band. Dude. Nice.

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Now that Making the Band is over, if there's another show you want me to Play by Play, let me know....

To Discuss a Co-Blog About Romantic Hints, Plus Andy's Mancrush and Tiff's Fear of Stalkers.

Occasionally in the two-plus month history of WildARSChase, I've had another blogger get the crazy idea that they'd want to write a co-blog with me. The results have been Michael Phelpsian, if by that I mean that we achieved glory and not that we bombed on Saturday Night Live.

So far, TracieLee, my Ex-Fiance and Haute Pocket have taken the plunge. Since then, Tracie has been hired at Nike, Ex-Fiance has adopted two cats and Haute has made a major life decision to move back to Minnesota. So you see, friends, people who co-blog with me go places- sweat shop, furball and parka places.
In my brief blogging history, Miss Tiff has been one of my most frequent and supportive readers; I hope I have returned the favor her way, and I already wrote a guest post for her. This time, though, we have ventured into co-blog territory.
The topic? What guys and girls think when meeting someone of the opposite sex. The results? Lengthy (you're not really working at work, anyway), but still great.

Here we go:

The Co-Blog Post:

MT= Miss Tiff.... ARS: Wild ARS Chase

MT: OK, so I'm dying to get your take on this relationship stuff since, well, you are a guy, and I'm needing a little bit more guy perspective in some aspects of this whole dating/relationship scene.

ARS: I'm glad that my main qualifying factor is that I have a Y chromosome. Proceed.
MT: First question I gotta ask, because of what I'm going through, is why do some guys go all crazy on us gals? Seriously, any warning signs that you as a guy could give us gals? Because I know from my experience with the EX that I had no idea he was crazy until we broke up (ARS: That's actually good, because otherwise that means you dated a crazy person). Maybe if you could give us a little bit more insight on signs that he may turn crazy in the relationship, so that when it ends you could keep gals like myself from making the mistake of dating a loser like this in the first place.

ARS: Are we talking Pepe La Pew crazy, or Mark Walhberg in "Fear" crazy? That's the first thing. I'm guessing you're talking about the latter. If' that's the case, there are probably a few signs during the relationship to look out for:

1. If he always needs to know where you're going/who you're talking to... that likely means when you break up, he's not going to be used to you doing things on your own without telling him first.
2. If he isn't friends with any of his ex's, or least acquaintances, it might be because he's scared them off.
3. If he repeatedly says how he doesn't know what he would do without you, without you prompting him to do so by doing something/saying something nice... That could signify that he literally means he doesn't know what he'd do without you and is already planning how to slaughter your entire family. And by slaughter, I mean say mean things. No one needs to die. That only happens in "Fear."
   

The best thing you can do is cut the line of communication off, permanently, until he shows he can be a normal person. I do admit that guys are tougher to read than War & Peace. (MT: That's the biggest understatement I've heard in a long time.) It can be tough on our end, though.
We're always told that we need to be sweet and considerate, but we're also told not to go overboard so we don't look like freaking psychos. When you have your first few encounters with a guy, what can he do to impress you?

MT: You would be correct in assuming we are talking Mark Wahlberg in Fear crazy.

ARS: Good, because otherwise it might be Funky Bunch version of Mark Wahlberg, and that involves tighty whities.

MT: Those are some really good pointers that us gals should keep in mind. I know I will remember those, especially with all the ex stuff that I've had to go through recently which I have just finally managed to get under control with the advice you gave me a week or two ago.
I would have to agree with you that guys are really hard to read.
A lot of guys don't like to express their feelings so we (us gals) are left to try and figure out/guess what's going on with you guys. That usually never goes as well as it could if you would express your feelings better.
Guys do need to be sweet and considerate, I agree with you on that. It's not hard to be either, really it's not. When having a first few encounters with guys we like to see you guys be sweet and gentleman like. Call me kind of old fashioned about it, but opening doors, showing up with flowers, etc., always impresses me.

Also, if you have a good time with us let us know we like to know that. Because, you can bet if you don't tell us then we are wondering and we are probably over analyzing things we did. Don't you guys do the same thing if we don't tell you whether we had a good time or not?

ARS: Guilty as charged. I have to spend the rest of the night eating Ben & Jerry's and listening to Frank Sinatra.

MT: It also impresses me when a guy calls and/or texts every so often to let me know that he's thinking about me or hoping that I'm having a great day. But, and I can't stress this enough, do not go overboard with the calling/texting so much where we don't want to talk to you (like texting us ten times in one day to see what we're up to).

ARS: (Crossing that off my list) Oh yeah, that's crazy. Who would do that? Freakin' dudes.

MT: That's just crazy and will scare us off. What are some things that us gals can do to impress you during the first few encounters? What shouldn't we do?

ARS: Guys aren't as complicated as you think. Our basic thoughts when first meeting an available, cute girl run along three lines, with varying degrees of depth, depending on the situation:

1. Does she think I'm fun/funny/nice: This is the generic one that everyone wonders. We want to know that you enjoy us. Some of us go way overboard and ask every 5 minutes what you're thinking. Those guys have lack of self-esteem issues, which should be a warning sign, not a fixer-upper. We don't need you to stroke our ego all the time- we stroke enough (ego) as it is- but just realize that we want you to think we're cool.
2. Does she think I'm attractive: We are well aware that our abs do not resemble... well, those of Mark Wahlberg (Why do I keep mentioning him? I sound all mancrush. He is dreamy, though. Like in The Italian Job). (MT: That's like the third time you've mention Mark Walhberg.. I'm so calling you out on your mancrush. He is dreamy though and full of hotness.) We know that our hair isn't like that of George Clooney or Brad Pitt or even John Stamos. And many of us dress like we're auditioning for "Rent." But we do want you to think we're at least marginally attractive. So, if you do, mention it. Just once or twice, and don't make it into a big deal. It can be a small thing- eyes, biceps, molars, kidneys- but it will be enough for us to think that we're not still in "friend territory.".......Which leads to...
3. Is she putting me in freaking "friend territory": This was best explained in "Just Friends" with Ryan Reynolds. If we like a girl, our big fear is that she's put us in Friend Territory, which might as well be the Yukon Territory because it's just as cold and frigid for our psyche.
   

Once you're in there, it's tough to get out, which is why some of us make romantic moves we probably shouldn't, just to make it clear we don't want to be the guy you end up talking to about other guys. So, if you do like us, flirt a little. Drop a line about how you thought about us today. Use my Seven Steps to Holding Hands. Cop a feel (just seeing if you're paying attention). (MT: Did you just say cop a feel? You're joking right? Wait you aren't are you?)

And, if you think we have potential, don't talk to us about your guy problems all the time-- sometimes, yes, just not all the time. (MT: Noted. No griping about guy problems.) Because we'll eventually decide we don't want to be "the guy" you always need to complain about.

MT: OK, wait, so you're telling us that this basically boils down to those three things? If we think your fun/funny/nice, if we think you're attractive, and if we're putting you in friend territory.

ARS: It's like I'm unlocking the Ark of the Covenant, only nobody's flesh melts off like in Indiana Jones.

MT: Well, most of us gals easily show what we think about you in all of three of those areas within the first date or so. I know that I at least hint around those things. I may not come right out and say it but, do we really have to come out and say "You're hot" or something like that to get you to realize that we are digging you? If that's the case, then why don't guys come right out and tell us when they are digging us? (ARS: Did I mention guys are idiots?)
Because, sometimes you guys don't. Sometimes you guys leave us wondering what the heck is going on? Then we learn later you really do dig us and we've been stressing out over it for no reason.
A little tidbit of information that is that us girls can usually tell within the first date (if not the first date then definitely the second date) if we are going to put you in the "friend territory."
Since we got onto the subject of the "friend territory," how do guys go from being oh so into us girls to all of a sudden we're in the "friend territory" without any warning?!
Basically a lot of the whole "guys are hard to read" thing is because you tend not to talk (or hate talking) about your feelings about anything when it comes to relationships. So why is it guys don't tend to tell us what is on their minds? You all know that us gals will almost always tell you what's going on with us. But, guys tend to shut gals out. Why is that?

ARS: Well, that's not how it works. We are shrouds of mystery, like James Bond, but without the martini, weapon, and impeccable suits.(MT: Did you just try and compare all guys to James Bond? *rolls eyes* Right, go on.) Guys aren't as likely to come straight out and say they like you-- I would, but I'm not the usual. But think of it this way: If a guy calls you several times, wants to know what you're up to on the weekend and often mentions how he wants to go do something but wishes he had someone to go with, he probably likes you. Subtle. Very subtle.

It's likely a defense mechanism to protect us, because we're not very good at detecting if you like us or not, so we don't want to put ourselves out on a limb. Did I mention that guys make no sense? (MT: No but the whole female population myself included already knows that. No big surprise there.)
So here's the final question, then. If a guy is going to give you a compliment, would you rather it be about your personality, your looks or your lifestyle (your clothes/car/home/hobbies)?

MT: So, basically you guys aren't more obvious about liking us because you're not good at detecting if we like you or not. Actually that kind of makes sense because a few of us gals do the same thing. We don't like to put ourselves out on a limb that often either because it can result in getting hurt. Each girl is different as to what she would like to receive compliments about.

But, I'm sure quite a few of us love it when you compliment our personality and looks. It's kind of hard to really choose because we like to know that you like our personality, that you find us attractive and that you do like at least a few things about our lifestyle.
So that makes it hard to choose which we would rather be complimented on. I, myself, would probably go for personality or looks. However, like I said, it all depends on the girl. I will tell you this- we do like to receive compliments. So feel free to send them our way when ever you feel the need.

ARS: Noted. You know, I actually did watch "Just Friends" again recently with the girlfriend as a reminder of the friend zone and people missing "Hey I like you signals." You know what happens to Ryan Reynolds because of that? He gets facial lacerations, hit in the crotch, punched in the face and slapped. It pays to pay attention. (MT: That only happens in movies. Oh wait, I totally hit a guy in the crotch before. He deserved it though. So that makes it OK right?

I think the theme here, if I may be so bold as to summarize this co-blog, is that both sides need to be more forthcoming if they like somebody so we can avoid the crotch hitting and heart breaking. Agreed? Good. (MT: Totally agree both sides need to be more forthcoming to avoid those not so fun situations.)
Oh, and Mark Wahlberg. (One last reference for good luck). (MT: *Rolls Eyes*.)

To discuss You're the next contestant on Prohibited or Not

Guess where I'm going this weekend?
It starts with S.
And ends in t. Louis.
No, it's not Chicago. It's St. Louis. You're so silly sometimes, blog friends.
It's actually for an all-expenses paid business trip to learn more about being a reporter; I was selected to attend after applying. So, in that respect, I'm looking forward to it.

But, perhaps even better, I should have some sweet blog posts coming up later this week and early next week. And that's not to mention this Thursday's post. To help celebrate my second month blogaversary and just for general good times, Miss Tiff and I wrote a co-blog about guys and girls. More details tomorrow. You're allowed to get excited now, though.

In preparation for my early morning flight out of Baltimore, I thought we'd play a game. Ready?

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Prohibited or Not, the game show that asks you to decide if this is an actual item listed on the prohibited list of the overzealous airline carry-on list. Before we get started, let's thank our sponsors, Homeland Security and Racial Profiling.
What are our prizes, now-dead Rod Roddy?

Dead Rod Roddy: It's a new (Matchbox) car! C'mon down!

Announcer: Amazing. Here we go. All you have to do is correctly identify the three objects NOT allowed on the airplane as a carry-on under any circumstance. Answers are at the bottom.

• Nitroglycerine pills
  
• Butter knives
  
• Knitting Needles
• iPod
  
• Toy Transformer Robots
• DVDs of "Flight 93" and "Airplane"
• Pipe dreams
• Pipe bomb
  
• References to "I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."
• Meat cleaver
  
• Wrench
• Breast milk
• Breasts
• Jell-o
• Gel shoe inserts
• Viagra
• A Koran

----------------------------------------

Answers: Pipe Bomb. Meat Cleaver... and Gel shoe inserts (?!)....I guess my plane isn't gellin'.

To discuss what went terribly, terribly wrong...(Part 2)

It’s taken me longer than I thought to continue this harrowing story. That’s due, in part, to all the work needed to get that sweet Q&A going yesterday- Haute and I wrote and edited nearly 4,400 words combined for that sucker. Good God, what were we thinking? I do hope you enjoyed it- if you’d like me to continue doing my own Q&A in future weeks, let me know or e-mail questions to wildarschase@yahoo.com. I’ll try to get an e-mail link going in the sidebar as well. Oh, and shower Haute with praise on her site. She’s fragile.
I went back and forth on whether to write about Sunday, so as not to be a total jerk to people involved, even if they aren’t named. I decided to take the journalist’s approach and stick to the facts, letting you form your own opinion. Also- I'm not one for trashing people on a freakin' blog- if you know me in real life, realize I'm not just waiting for you to mess up so I can blog about it... I've got enough of my own problems to write about.
If you need to catch up, here's Part One: To Discuss what went right...

Back to shattered flowers and dreams...
When we last talked about my weekend, I had finished a very pleasant outing with Ladyfriend on Saturday, complete with my usual trademark “Did I just say that?” comments.
Sunday was full of promise. After coming home from church, I confirmed plans with XXX (not her real name), another cool girl I had recently talked to over the phone, but had not yet met in person. We were going to watch the Steelers’ game together at my place in front of my extremely large flatscreen TV*. I rushed home to clean up the place and make it smell all nice and un-boy like.
The game started at 1 p.m. XXX said she had left a few minutes prior to that, meaning she should arrive around 1:30sh, coming about 25-30 miles away. A timeline:
1:30 p.m. Steelers 7, Texans 0, Andy, alone.
1:45 p.m. Steelers 14, Texans 0, Andy, still alone and making a call to see if she’s lost.
2:15 p.m. Steelers 21, Texans 3, Andy a little worried because she’s not answering her phone.
2:45 p.m. Third quarter, Steelers 35, Texans 3, Andy now legitimately worried after several unanswered phone calls
3:30 p.m. Fourth quarter, Steelers 38, Texans 10, Andy now convinced he’s caused the death of XXX
4 p.m. Game over, Steelers crush Texans 38-17, Andy now has no idea where XXX is or why she isn’t answering or letting him know what happened.
5:30 p.m. After convincing himself she’s alright, I (we’re back in first person now) decide to get out of the house so I’m not just staring at my dog, waiting. I leave a last voicemail- number 2- telling her I was out but hoping she was OK and that she’d call soon to let him know what’s going on.
5:45 p.m. XXX texts to say she got rear-ended by some old, scary dude soon after she left, and her phone had died, so she couldn’t contact me. Everything makes sense now, glad she’s OK. Since she had a bad afternoon and it was partially linked to me, I offer to cheer her up by driving up to her place to keep her company and get her mind off of things. I tell her I’ll likely get there around 8:30 p.m.
8:10 p.m. Andy (third person again- I switch literary devices like underwear) is a mile or two down the road when XXX texts to say she needs an extra 30 minutes so she can stop at a co-worker’s house to pick something up.
8:15 p.m. Andy, an amiable gent, texts back that he’ll get there at 9 instead. Moments later, XXX texts back that 9 isn’t enough time, causing Andy to wonder how an extra 30 minutes past 8:30 p.m. does not equal 9 p.m. Andy writes back, 9:30?
The last text is critical, friends, as you’ll find out.
Andy spent the next hour picking up flowers- friends, dates or whomever it is, anyone can get flowers if they need cheering up- and driving to XXX’s place. It took less time than he expected, so Andy killed some time in his car after arriving watching episodes of The Office** on his laptop, which he had with him.
9:30 p.m. Andy calls XXX to tell her he’s here. Although she had not texted back before, Andy figured that 9:30 should be more than enough time, considering she said she only needed an extra 30 minutes or so.... Ring. Ring. No answer. Voice mail. “Hey XXX, just letting you know I’m around, let me know when you get back.”
9:45 p.m. Andy, sitting in silence, decides he might as well go knock on XXX’s door in case she already was home. The following exchange took place:
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Andy, looking for XXX?
" XXX who?" A random, shirtless dude replies.
XXX. Is she home?
Naw, man, XXX doesn’t live here. (no one said random shirtless dude was good at telling jokes)

Andy, now utterly confused, calls XXX to make sure he’s not in the wrong freakin' area. Again, no answer, which, in a Verizon commercial would go, “Can you hear me now?” followed by, “No I can’t #@%&*% hear you, no one is answering &%#$.”
10:10 p.m. Now getting frustrated, sitting in silence, not sure if he’s at the right place or if XXX actually exists, Andy grabs some food at the Sheetz station*** and calls his ex-fiance to explain the situation and double-check his sanity. Ex-fiance reassures him that he’s not crazy and that maybe he should wait a little longer, and then peace out. Ex-fiance, as always, is wise.
10:30 p.m. Andy, now back in the parking lot of XXX’s supposed housing complex, steals the Internet signal from some unsuspecting neighbor not smart enough to use a passcode (seriously, dude. That’s not smart). He wastes some time checking blogs and Twittering with the lovely MissTiff. Another call, another text. No reply.
10:45 p.m. Andy is now once again concerned he has caused the death of XXX.
10:45 p.m. Andy leaves one final, and as it turns out, fatalistic voice mail, using a slightly caustic tone to vent his underlying frustration that XXX hasn’t let him know anything about what’s going on, even just to say she’s running late or can’t make it or that she’s dead and he’ll have to reschedule. No expletives or raised voice were used, but it wasn’t sugary sweet, either.
11 p.m. Andy wishes it was Saturday again. Ladyfriend, already a nice person, is coming out like roses now.
11:45 p.m. Andy is back home, picking up at...
... Andy looked at the flower bouquet in the passenger seat. Silently, for everything that night was about silence, he picked up the flowers, got out of his car parked by his apartment, walked calmly to a nearby dumpster and bashed those motherf'rs in one, sweet blow to the ground before tossing in the remaining stem carcass, as petals fluttered in the air like Forrest Gump's feather.
Monday
11:22 a.m. XXX is alive! That’s the first and foremost concern alleviated. Good. Bad stuff, though. XXX texts that she’s fine but that Andy’s last voice mail made her not want to talk to him last night. Mind you, the last voice mail was at 10:45 p.m., well after the meeting time and after an earlier voice mail asking if she was ok.
A series of texts go back and forth, leading to an actual call (texting, as it turns out, is truly the devil).
XXX explains that she didn’t like Andy’s tone (somewhat understandable), that she had unknowingly left her phone in her car when visiting her co-worker, that she didn’t want to just quickly run in and out of said co-workers house and be “rude,” and that she didn’t think Andy would leave his place because she hadn’t confirmed the 9:30 p.m. time.
(This is the vitriolic part I’m leaving out- I try to give people the benefit of the doubt... Now you, you might not. So come to your own conclusions).
The icing on the three-layer, double-fudge cake is that Knock Knock dude, as it turns out, is XXX’s roommate. Yes, that dude lied to my face- he told XXX he didn’t know me, so instead of dealing with me he just made something up, and they had a good chuckle over it.

Well... um... at least the Steelers won.

* Some guys overcompensate by driving large cars or owning large dogs. I have a large flat screen. My overcompensation has brilliant colors and resolution, HDMI outputs and HD capability. My overcompensation is better.
** OK, so it was that sweet Halloween episode where Michael tries to fire someone, but he can't go through with it, and Jim and Pam send Dwight's resume to other companies, leading Dwight to ask a potential employer what his resume says under "Martial Arts Training." Classic.
*** Sheetz, for those outside the PA/WV region is a gas station mecca that includes touch-screen food ordering that is so well-made and delicious that people go there just to eat. Recognize.