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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

To discuss a Weekend Update: The Wrestler, The Bowler and The Impregnator

The slightly overdue Weekend Update, with a rundown on a movie, a hobby and reality television (No, not Bromance- that's coming soon).

"The Wrestler" will be one of the best movies you'll see all year... if you can find it. Despite being a consensus Best Picture nominee in every award show, it's playing in about 15 theaters. I think Paris Hilton's "The Hottie or the Nottie" had a wider release.
Capricorn and I had to drive an hour on Saturday to see The Wrestler, but it was worth it. She had to settle me down during the opening scene, I was so excited. Oh, and there's tons of great 80s music, too-- and I don't even like the 80s.

Highlights:
  • Mickey Rourke giving one of the best acting jobs since Jennifer Aniston said she was happy for Brangelina.
  • Marisa Tomei spending almost an entire movie naked, and yet I remember her superb acting even more.
  • There's a great storyline that makes you pull for the lead character even though he's going to screw it up, like Zack Morris every time a project is due but you know he's going to spend the night before with Kelly instead. In this movie, Randy the Ram (Rourke) is Zack Morris, wrestling is the project and Cassidy (Marisa) is Kelly. Except Kelly, to my knowledge, didn't spent any episode of Saved by the Bell naked. But she must have put out.
  • It made me want to become a professional wrestler: "And now, ladies and gentleman, our main draw of the night, Randy the Ram versus Wild ArrrRRRSSSS!" My signature move would be cowering in fear and peeing my pants. And ankle biting.
Lowlights (if you're, say, Capricorn. I thought it was awesome):
  • A bloody wrestling scene that makes Passion of the Christ look like a back massage. Rourke's Randy the Ram gets cut with barb wire, attacked with a staple gun, smacked with a table and tossed into glass. And he won.
So, Capricorn and I have wanted to find a fun activity to do in our spare time that would A) Not cost a lot of money B) Not lead to a conversation with my mother that starts with, "Now, before you say anything, we still have to get an ultrasound..." C) Not involve knitting or canasta
We chose bowling. You might think bowling is only for white trash, or people with no lives, or people who aren't athletic. Well.... crap... it's fun, OK? We're going to join a league in the spring, after we've practiced enough to not embarrass ourselves. Since we started, our high scores are 86 and 153. No, I did not use the bumpers...evidently you have to be a child for those.
Let's point out the positives of bowling:
A) It's socially acceptable to talk to strangers in the next lane, thus increasing the chance of meeting new friends. Just wait until their turns over, though, or they'll get really pissed. Also, don't make bird calls or shout "Fire!"
B) Unlike other sports, you can easily drink while bowling, as you'll always have one hand free.
C) Even if you're terrible, you can still luck into a good game. Not true with basketball, football or sex with a stranger.

And finally, Capricorn loves "Jon and Kate Plus 8" and "17 Kids and Counting," reality shows about parents with enough children to field a sports team or a calendar shoot. She was giddy when "17 Kids" came on, as we watched two parents and their kids travel to a family reunion where, surprisingly, nobody was their own grandpa.
I just don't like these large families. I can't explain it. There's something about a dude with 17 kids that rubs me the wrong way.
I get it, Jim Bob Duggar (real name!)- your sperm is so potent you don't even need to be aroused to impregnate your wife. But 17 times? You didn't think it might be OK to pull out once?
The Duggar family also likes to remind everyone they are debt free. I'd be debt free too if I had 17 children to work for me- that's a lot of Nike shoes assembled.
They are also hardcore Christian conservatives-- none of the kids, not even the engaged one, has ever kissed anyone.
Capricorn and I agreed that once those girls get to college, they are going to slut it up. It's inevitable. Then the new show is going to be "17 Kids Not Counting Two Bastard Grandchildren." Now that's a show I'd watch. Episode One: "The family gets in their coach bus to travel to a health clinic, where one of the daughters hopes to find out who her baby's daddy really is..."

Did I mention we watched "17 Kids" while I dyed Capricorn's hair (dark brown)... and that I did a good job? Yeah, she had doubts at first, too.
Well, in case my actual career goes belly up, I can always become a hair dresser. At least then I can talk about America's Next Top Model and feel normal.

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21 comments:

surviving myself said...

I can't wait to see the Wrestler. My girlfriend and I went to go see it last weekend, but ended up drinking too much at dinner then missed it. I was so mad that I missed Marisa's boobs. Uh, I mean acting.

joshlos said...

I've heard good things about that movie, and I'll take this as further confirmation that I need to go see it.

Also, joining a bowling league was the best thing I could do for my game. I was in one w/ my dad a couple years ago. Between that and the weekly trips I made to the bowling alley next to the newspaper where I worked for dollar bowling during lunch on Tuesdays, my average jumped about 30 pins from the beginning of the season to the end. I even had my first 200 game. Stay away from the drinks and you'll get awesome. Well, that is, unless you're like my dad, who, upon consuming one glass of tequila -- no more, no less -- tends to roll a 600 series.

Lizzie said...

Bowling is by far the best sport out there. I was in a league in college and now I miss it. There is a drinking curve, but if you can master how many drinks get you to your peak performance without going over the top, you're golden.

Finger Talks said...

favorite part of bowling: after 9pm they turn the lights off and have blacklight disco bowling w/ half price beers! you really dont need anymore beer for blacklight bowling, but it's always fun.

Ben said...

You weren't dyeing her hair. You just had your shirt off pretending you were a wrestler, weren't you?

ADMIT IT!

Diane said...

"17 Kids Not Counting 2 Bastard Grandchildren" made me snort.

And tell me, please, what is up with Mickey Roarke's face? I know it's been like that for a while but I never really found out what happened to it. It scares me. A lot.

Amy xxoo said...

I'm dying to see " The Wrestler " but of course its not showing here - and the next closest cinema where it is showing is about five hours away....

Also, you can be manly and dye hair. My dad does mine for me ( i dont trust my mum or sister near my head )and he manages to retain his burliness...

stealthnerd said...

Did you 2 watch a Very Duggar Wedding? B/c trust me, you should have.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

You know I think Mickey rourke is a badass and The Wrestler is on my short list of must sees-thank you for confirming it.

Dying Capricorn's hair with your shirt off could be considered manly if you completed the job then threw her down on the ground and had your way with her...

just sayin'

FunnyGal KAT said...

Sooo unfair to put the word "Impregnator" into the title and then allude to a new hobby you and Capricorn have... and then not announce one of you is pregnant! I mean, it was a funny post and all, but still...

Jossie Posie said...

I share Capricorn's love for these shows. God knows why but you know any boy that wants some of me needs to be okay with spending an inordinate amount of time watching these baby making marvels.

Marinka said...

Are you suggesting that white trash activities are not fantastic?! I love bowling! especially with the kiddie gutters up.

Cadence said...

If you're willing to drive for good movies (which apparently is the only option in York) please PLEASE go see Slumdog Millionaire...it's phenomenal. And then I'll have someone to talk to about it.

Good job with the hair dye. I'm proud. Like Sophia proud of Dorothy every time she turns Stan down. Yes. I've been watching Golden Girls too much.

Liz said...

I got to see "Gran Torino" this weekend... & not at the movie theater... a friend had a black market copy that was actually good & not one that they taped in the movie theater with a movie camera...

I wonder if she can hook me up with "The Wrestler"... cause in po-dunk we rarely get a movie that shows only on 15 screens!

Oh yeah I dye my mom's hair... I don't remember every holding the bottle like that...

Racquel Valencia said...

The only part that I really like about 17 Kids and Counting is how caught up they were trying to come up with 17 names that start with J. I think this explains why some of the throwaways have names like Jinglebell and Jolly Roger.

But seriously, no Jedediah or Jehoshaphat? For shame, Jim Bob, for shame!!

Andy said...

Hey!! I use the bumpers!! :-P

Oh, and big families scare me.

Miss Tiff said...

I've also heard good things about the Wrestler...

Also Bowling is by far one of my favorite low budget things to do. I love it when they have their disco night that's always my favorite time to go!

Kellie said...

"My signature move would be cowering in fear and peeing my pants. And ankle biting."

This is exactly what my dog does when he's done something bad and knows he's going to get scolded. :)

Oh and bowling! All time favorite! I love it for the same reasons as you! You can easily drink and do it at the same time!

LBluca77 said...

Wow I am impressed she let you dye her hair. There is only one man that I ever let touch my hair and he was a trained professional

I think i like alcohol way to much to have 17 kids. The thought of it hurts my lady parts.

Lump said...

I can't get into the 17 kids show. Because anyone that doesn't use birth control has pretty much lost their mind.

talk about a sweet bf! my bf would never color my hair.

Jenners said...

Glad to hear the movie review ... I don't see many so I need to know if they are worthwhile.

What a good boyfriend to color your girls hair!!!

And Oh MY Lord...don't get me started on the weirdness that is the Duggars. That woman is a trip ... and possibly a robot.

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