Thursday, January 8, 2009

To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: January

It's the January installment of the new feature, "What I Learned from Cosmo," including Cosmo's advice and stories. Capricorn bought me a Cosmo and has promised to get us (me) a subscription. This month's cover girl is Amanda Bynes, who evidently now is hot but I swear was just on "All That," like, yesterday.
As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's magazine smut for women, then stop here. My comments are in italics:
  • Cosmo Hot Sheet: Posting your split on a social networking site helps you move on faster. Because nothing helps you forget your pain like 50 messages on your status change from people you haven't talked to since high school, saying, "OMG R U OK? OH HONEY IM SOOO SORRY. HE WUZ A JERK. CALL ME, GIRLZ NIGHT XOXO!"
  • Sexy Vs. Skanky: Smooching Your BF/Smooching Your Dog. What a surprise. Aubrey O'Day from Danity Kane (and if you've read this blog at all, you know how I love Danity Kane) is listed as Skanky. That's the third month in a row she's been listed. In certain circles, that's referred to as a Skankfecta.
  • Cosmo steamy confessions: A U.S. girl fooled around with a Portugese guy. He accidentally pulled out her contraceptive ring. Fortunately, it was attached to a string. He continue to pull it back and forth, revving her like a lawn mower. He's the first man to ever hit the all-important "G(rass)-spot."
  • "Dumb advice your guy is getting from other places: Since you never really know what that gf is up to, maybe it's time to spy on her computer." Dumb advice your girl is getting: Everything in Cosmo. Example: "Clear clues that he's hooked- He won't make a move"... Yeah, Cosmo, so you're telling girls if a guy doesn't make a move, he likes you. So what if he does make a move? He thinks you're ugly?
  • A "Get Sexy Cleavage" celebrity photo display. Wait, is there unsexy cleavage on anyone under 60 or over 18 (OK, 16, I'm trying to be legal here)? Are there guys out there saying, "You know what? That cleavage isn't working. Can you toss on a T-shirt?
  • "Handle his manhood the way you might hold a full water balloon- tight enough to get a good grip, but not so tight it would break." Yes, and also don't throw it at children.
  • Capricorn read an article saying that in order to boost a man's natural hormone levels, she should stimulate my nipples... that's led to weeks of her randomly trying to give me purple nurples and me screaming like a little bitch.
  • It's no wonder women have complexes about sex. On one page, Cosmo tells women to be willing to try new things in bed. On the next page, it warns them not to get too crazy in bed. If I'm reading Cosmo correctly so far, a woman should cry if she doesn't orgasm, beg for the opportunity to please her man and not be satisfied until her vagina is worshipped as a deity. And she should have nice hair and nails.
  • Cosmo's "Ask Him Anything": One girl asks if it's OK to get mad at a guy for busting out a coupon on their date... Let me answer this one for you. First date? Yes. Any date after that? Girl, you better get used to it. Those appetizers don't just fall from the heavens.
  • The stories they WISH we'd do- If guys edited Cosmo... "Bad Hair Days: Why He Doesn't Need to Hear About Them", "Girl Without Her Shirt... or Anything Else On." ... and "Save $4.79 By Skipping Cosmo Articles and Listening to Your Mother's Advice, You Dumb Slut."


surviving myself said...


You wanna crash Girlz Night with me? I hear there'll be lots of chicks there.

Ben said...

I would really like to know who all the straight dudes are who are telling Cosmo what secretly pleases them in bed but they're too afraid to tell their girlfriends.

Because really? Finger up the butt? REALLY?

Heather said...

I love your Cosmo recaps. I used to buy it for the laughs, but now I just read your blog and feel equally satisfied. :) Thanks for saving me money Andy. Seriously. Thanks.

Lump said...

best line: listen "to Your Mother's Advice, You Dumb Slut," I'd like to say this to A LOT of sluts I know.

so, are you giving Capricorn purple nurples back? I mean, GAME ON, if she does it first.

Anonymous said...

I can't throw it at children? Damn, you just took half the fun out of it.

Diane said...

I haven't heard the term 'purple nurple' in ages!

Classy and hysterical... as always... you never disapoint, darlin'. And like Heather, I'm glad you do these, as now I don't have to shell out money on 'sex' magazines (which my 9-year-old is WAY too interested in). So thanks for that!

SouthernBelle said...

Fantastic, as always I'm indebted to you for bringing the outrage of Cosmo "advice" to the world!

sj said...

so funny, as always. it's true that i haven't read cosmo in years, but i'm totally tempted to start picking it up for blog fodder. i think i should try some of these tricks out on my husband and see what his response is.

it's bound to have some (horror) stories come from it. but also possibly a divorce, so...

Racquel Valencia said...

Really, this is just more fodder for that angry letter I keep coming back to where I sue them for the past fifteen years of emotional damages.

I shall have my vengeance on thee, vile two-tongued strumpets! And a plague on the house of Cosmo!

(Yes, that was an excerpt, in case you were curious.)

Jest said...

I must admit, I was creeped out by the whole Amanda Bynes cover thing. Isn't she only 12 or thereabouts? I read this month's issue, but your re-cap was much more enjoyable...and men don't like having their nipples stimulated???

wee-h said...

Does choosing a restaurant for a date soley on the fact you get a discount even if he's paying count? Do i look cheap on this occasion?!

Mel said...

Dumb advice your girl is getting: Everything in Cosmo.

Yes, and also don't throw it at children.

Love these lines!

TishTash said...

Excellent recap sir! Thanks for suffering so we don't have to. You're like Jesus.

Sam_I_am said...

I'm totally with you on Amanda Bynes. I was watching a What I Like About You marathon on TV and I was thinking how much more I like her now that she's not on The Amanda Bynes' Show going "MAHHHHH HHHHHAAAAWWWWW" But yeah, it just seems like yesterday I was watching All That, Round House and Wild and Crazy Kids

stealthnerd said...

Cosmo has been spouting that "stimulate your man's nipples" suggestion in every issue since, as far I can tell, the first issue ever.

Bon Don said...

Oh no, I've seen some unsexy cleavage before! wrinkled, acne, floppy cleavage!

Amy xxoo said...

So apparently there are hundreds of guys who are totally into me.... no-one is making any moves at all! I'm so excited!

Andy said...

Myself- Yes, angry, bitter chicks. Great idea.
Ben- Nothing gets the mood going like a prostate exam.
Heather- You owe me $3.97
Lump- I told her your idea. She wasn't game.
Motown- You can get arrested for that.
Diane- Yeah, please keep those away from your daughter, even though Seventeen magazine does basically the same thing.
Belle- I've uncovered their dirty secrets.
SJ- Give it a try, perhaps with GQ or Maxim.
Racquel- I'm impressed.
Jest- No, no we don't. Stop touching them. They're not even needed in the grand scheme of nature.
Wee-h- No, that's cool.
Mel- Thanks!
TishTash- ... and all my church readers have just called you a sinner. I like your style.
Sam- Down at the Round House (Uh)!
Nerd- They're regurgitating this stuff? Really?
Bon- I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Amy- See, I just made everyone's day.

Teej said...

Skankfecta- I'm using that one the next time I go out "See those three girls over there, honey? That's what one would call a Skankfecta."

Famously Single said...

Skankfecta should be added to urban dictionary.
I can't beleive you ended the post with dumb slut.
Is Amanda Bynes really not hot because my brother says I look like her? There goes my self esteem. Thanks Andy and Cosmo!

Andy said...

He PULLED the contraceptive ring? Why would he do that? It doesn't have a diamond on it. Guys are sometimes so hard to understand.

Oh, and did the American girl get knocked up by the Portugueese guy?

Kellie said...

My sister went on a 1st date w/ a guy and he whipped out a gift card. I'm not sure if that is as bad or worse than a coupon. I mean the whole meal was basically paid for by that so he ended up spending like $4 on the whole thing. What a douche.

BeckEye said...

I thought Aubrey got kicked out of Danity Kane for being TOO skanky? Or mouthy. Or because she couldn't really sing that well.

Little Ms Blogger said...

I haven't read Cosmo for years for the very reasons you've mentioned and one other one....If you take all their advice and try to follow it, you become a neurotic, insecure woman, always needing to take your man's temperature to see if the relationship is still hot.

However, I do enjoy your editing of the articles and encourage you to get the subscription.

In fairness, does Capricorn, ever critique Maxim?

bianca said...

Manhood like a water balloon. Interesting...cosmo just keeps getting better and beter

Thomas said...

Holy crap Cosmo is expensive, and gosh darn ambiguous. I'm already confused.

Nice post, i like this feature!

Maybe you should start a Cosmo fund and try raise money towards that subsciption?

Miss Tiff said...

Great post. I love how you've decided to make "What I learned from Cosmo" a feature.

Skankfecta. Great word. I'm going to have to use that one.

Jenners said...

I'm so glad this is going to be a regular feature!

And Aubrey O'Day definitely went waaaaaaaaayyyyyyy downhill in my book since I watched the Making the Band show. I saw her getting fired by Diddy a while back and I was like "Is that the same girl?" And now she is carrying a little dog around all the time like Paris Hilton. She went from normal girl to skank fast. So sad.

JenBun said...

Yay! I'm SO glad you're going to keep doing these!!

I allowed my (gift!) subscription to expire (and I'm totally fine with that), so I need to get my Secret Skank Info somewhere! :D

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