To discuss What I Learned from Cosmo: January

It's the January installment of the new feature, "What I Learned from Cosmo," including Cosmo's advice and stories. Capricorn bought me a Cosmo and has promised to get us (me) a subscription. This month's cover girl is Amanda Bynes, who evidently now is hot but I swear was just on "All That," like, yesterday.
As always, if you wouldn't normally read Cosmo because it's magazine smut for women, then stop here. My comments are in italics:

• Cosmo Hot Sheet: Posting your split on a social networking site helps you move on faster. Because nothing helps you forget your pain like 50 messages on your status change from people you haven't talked to since high school, saying, "OMG R U OK? OH HONEY IM SOOO SORRY. HE WUZ A JERK. CALL ME, GIRLZ NIGHT XOXO!"
  
• Sexy Vs. Skanky: Smooching Your BF/Smooching Your Dog. What a surprise. Aubrey O'Day from Danity Kane (and if you've read this blog at all, you know how I love Danity Kane) is listed as Skanky. That's the third month in a row she's been listed. In certain circles, that's referred to as a Skankfecta.
• Cosmo steamy confessions: A U.S. girl fooled around with a Portugese guy. He accidentally pulled out her contraceptive ring. Fortunately, it was attached to a string. He continue to pull it back and forth, revving her like a lawn mower. He's the first man to ever hit the all-important "G(rass)-spot."
  
• "Dumb advice your guy is getting from other places: Since you never really know what that gf is up to, maybe it's time to spy on her computer." Dumb advice your girl is getting: Everything in Cosmo. Example: "Clear clues that he's hooked- He won't make a move"... Yeah, Cosmo, so you're telling girls if a guy doesn't make a move, he likes you. So what if he does make a move? He thinks you're ugly?
  
• A "Get Sexy Cleavage" celebrity photo display. Wait, is there unsexy cleavage on anyone under 60 or over 18 (OK, 16, I'm trying to be legal here)? Are there guys out there saying, "You know what? That cleavage isn't working. Can you toss on a T-shirt?
  
• "Handle his manhood the way you might hold a full water balloon- tight enough to get a good grip, but not so tight it would break." Yes, and also don't throw it at children.
• Capricorn read an article saying that in order to boost a man's natural hormone levels, she should stimulate my nipples... that's led to weeks of her randomly trying to give me purple nurples and me screaming like a little bitch.
• It's no wonder women have complexes about sex. On one page, Cosmo tells women to be willing to try new things in bed. On the next page, it warns them not to get too crazy in bed. If I'm reading Cosmo correctly so far, a woman should cry if she doesn't orgasm, beg for the opportunity to please her man and not be satisfied until her vagina is worshipped as a deity. And she should have nice hair and nails.
  
• Cosmo's "Ask Him Anything": One girl asks if it's OK to get mad at a guy for busting out a coupon on their date... Let me answer this one for you. First date? Yes. Any date after that? Girl, you better get used to it. Those appetizers don't just fall from the heavens.
  
• The stories they WISH we'd do- If guys edited Cosmo... "Bad Hair Days: Why He Doesn't Need to Hear About Them", "Girl Without Her Shirt... or Anything Else On." ... and "Save $4.79 By Skipping Cosmo Articles and Listening to Your Mother's Advice, You Dumb Slut."