Wednesday, January 7, 2009

To discuss a TV Play by Play of Bromance Episode 2: Attack of the Brones

I did one random TV Play by Play on Brody Jenner's search for a best friend, "Bromance," and you guys ate it up. How could I say no to another installment? For last week's episode, go here. For a breakdown of how this show goes, take your best guess and add more homoerotic thoughts to it, and there you go.

:03 Femi, a black guy, sets African Americans back about 50 years with this statement: "I don't even see the other guys at all. I'm like Sammy Davis Jr., dawg. I'm playing the piano and I don't see them." That would be a great metaphor if A) You meant Ray Charles or B) You meant Jamie Foxx's Oscar-winning performance of Ray Charles
:05 The guys compete in the Broathalon. Getting annoyed yet with the use of "bro" before every word on this sure? Well, you can shove it up your Bross. That's right. I said it.
:06 The guys compete in a Laz-E-Boy slalom event. Femi compares himself to a ferocious tiger with a giant roar. He then proceeds to wreck and scream like a giant pussy. Wrong feline, Femi.
:07 The first appearance by a girl this episode. I'll try to note this every time, because there's too much homoerotic stuff going on, so a girl helps ease the sexual tension.
:13 The next event is the blow-up doll raft and row competition, to see who can tie blow up dolls together with panties (yep), throw them in a pool and row to the other side. Femi announces he can't swim. That's OK, Femi. All these guys are itching to do mouth to mouth. This also marks the second time in two episodes the guys are half naked.
:15 The last competition in this meaningless Broathalon is a BMX bike jump event, which makes sense. When I meet new guys, I demand they ride a BMX bike off a sweet jump, Napoleon Dynamite style, to prove their worth. It's only fair. I also make sweet love to them.*
:16 Femi now declares he's "like a bald eagle," which means he's close to extinction or he shaved his vagina.
:18 Femi, who has more face time this episode than Brody, gets offended when the guys jokingly give him a dolphin figurine and say he's "like a dolphin" now. Don't be offended, Femi. Dolphins have sex for pleasure, perform neat tricks, and become best friends with Jonathan Brandis on SeaQuest DSV.
:24 In a continued effort to pass up all pretensions of this being anything other than a gay dating show, Brody has romantic fireside talks with each guy. Several of the guys cry. Brody opines who to give the rose to at the end.
:26 Gary apologizes to Femi after he threw him under the bus when talking to Brody. Femi, being a mature guy, flips out, describing Gary's action as "Femalish. That's a female trait." So, evidently, it's a female trait for a guy to confide in his male friend during a fireside chat about his anxiety over another guy. Ladies, take note.
:31 Chris P., who looks like Ace from Real World Paris, botches his FDR style chat by calling Lauren Conrad a ho, then spilling his drink on Brody. The dude is genuinely nervous, like he's on a first date. Chris, chill out. Brody isn't going to put out if you keep this up.
:40 Brody feels bad that Chris P. was nervous, so he invites him out for a night of drinking inside a freezer (yep) while wearing Russian fur hats (yep). Somehow, this plan fails. Chris P. gets sloppy drunk and ends up collapsing in the bathroom. Now Brody definitely isn't going to put out.
:46 Brody comes off as a level-headed, genuine, nice guy on this show. Why does he need a reality show for a best friend again? Well, other than the fact that his 15 minutes of fame ran out and his biggest claim to fame is being the stepbrother of a porn star?*
:50 The guys go out on a yacht for elimination time. Again, there are random girls hanging around. Where do these girls come from? Don't they have jobs? Can you get paid to be fake friends with a reality show star? How do I sign up for this if Bob Barker gets his own show-- I'd love to be a Barker's Beauty, as long as I don't have to sleep with him. The show could be called "Showcase Hodown," following Bob's exploits with the ladies. You'd watch this.
:55 More guys crying. You'd think the name of this show was "Bros Get Kicked in the Balls" or "Bros Watch Their Favorite Sports Team Lose" or "Andy Watches The Notebook."
:57 Chris P. is sent home. They make him paddle back to shore in a life raft. That's what you get for calling L.C. a ho, Chris P.
:59 Next time on Bromance: More crying, more of Femi being a diva, and Brody dressed as a Mexican. I'd expect nothing less.
* Just kidding, Capricorn. I like girls, I promise. I've got the ex's to prove it.
** Being L.C.'s ex-boyfriend is not a claim of fame. That's a claim of shame. *Cowers while L.C. supporters sharpen their claws* And I did catch The City- anyone who wants to do a guest Play by Play on that any week is welcome. I can only take so much MTV drama.
Later this week: The January edition of Things I Learned From Cosmo.


~Sheila~ said...

Attack of the Brones? new show?
Never heard of it. Guess I will have to venture away from my usual programming to check it out.

Jest said...

This made me laugh.
And I want to do a guest play-by-play of The City. Oh! Please let me.

Heather said...

I LOVED the random SeaQuest comment thrown in there!! I had almost forgotten about that show.
Maybe I should start watching this Bromance thing just for laughs. Seems Femi thinks he's everything but the loser he actually is.

little erin said...

brody is the stepbrother to a porn star? who?

Lump said...

"proceeds to wreck and scream like a giant pussy"

that's a mental picture, for sure.

Racquel Valencia said...

You have NO idea how much I love these installments. Especially since my friends, family, casual acquaintances and that homeless dude who roots through our trash have forbidden me from watching it; I just get too bromotionally involved.

Anonymous said...

Didn't catch the first episode, or your recap, but glad I caught both this time around. Well done!

P.S. "Bromance" does give us ladies multiple opportunities to look at Brody Jenner who is, dare I say, damn fine. Why all of his potential "boyfriends" are ugly, I have no idea. But Brody is a fine piece of ass. Mmmhmm. Totally the only reason I'll keep watching...

Andy said...

Sheila- I was so proud of myself for that title. Sadly.
Jest- A volunteer! Let's see if anyone else volunteers as well, then we'll figure out what to do. I'll keep you posted.
Heather- The fact I randomly remembered that show is ridiculous.
Erin- Starts with K ends with im KardashianwhowasinthesexvideowithRayJ
Lump- It will haunt me.
Racquel- Make sure that homeless dude isn't one of the Bromance contestants
Motown- Glad you caught up. And I must admit, he is a good looking dude. There. I said it.

SouthernBelle said...

Yesssss! Seaquest DSV reference!!!

I'm brovercome with broffection for you, Andy. I mean bro.

; )

Kellie said...

How about "Bros Crying Like Hoes"? I've never seen this show, but now I kind of want to watch it. But seriously, are we sure Brody isn't gay? I like to say he isn't b/c he is a fine chunka man meat. :)

TishTash said...

I felt my IQ drop just from reading that. It sucks to be in the negatives.

FunnyGal KAT said...

I think Andy needs his very own version of whateverthehellthisshowiscalled. I volunteer to be one of the chicks who randomly shows up for no apparent reason. C'mon, Andy, you need some dude to have sweet, in-depth talks with (and perhaps make sweet, sweet love to), don't you?

Bon Don said...

HAHA This was AWESOME!! I'll be tuning in for The City!

*Bon Don*

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Brody Jenner is a little beeyoch! Doncha think?

Miss Fabulous said...

"Chris P., who looks like Ace from Real World Paris"

He does! MTV does have a habit of recyling. Anyways, I love this week's play by play - I'm not sure if it's funnier having seen the show or not. I of course am a faithful viewer.

You are hilarious!

For all you haters out there Brody Jenner is delicious, and I think his potential Brofriend Luke is rather tasty too in a bad boston accent douchey nerd sort of way.

Also, Lauren Conrad is AMAZING - how can you not like her?? Team LC!!

That's all.

Sara said...

I thought that getting sloppy would definitely be THE way to get Brody to have sex with you...seriously would anyone have sex with him sober?

And RIP Jonathan Brandis...He was excellent on DSV

JenBun said...

"The Notebook"!!!

Yep, that's what I took away.

Man, I love "The Notebook"...

The Rambler said...

Thanks for making me snort when you mentioned bald eagle...I don't know why, you just did :)

Famously Single said...

I may be having a blonde moment, but I thought he got Sammy Davis Jr. mixed up with Stevie Wonder. Is Stevie Wonder not blinde? Andy...now I am feeling stupider after reading the play-by-play and that is not how I should feel after reading a play by play of BROMANCE for goodness sakes!

Andy said...

Belle- I brove you too.
Kellie- I'm sure he isn't. Go for it.
Tish- Read it in reverse. See if that helps.
KAT- I think people would watch. Let's make this happen.
Bon- Let's see if Jest can come through on the PxP
Candy- I'd take him over Paris.
Fabulous- Thanks, and I suppose she's OK, but has a penchant for dramas.
Sara- Evidently, many of the above readers would have sex with him.
JenBun- I do too. But keep it a secret.
Ramble- I'm glad you're perverted, just like me.
Single- Either would work. You aren't dumb.

Lizzie said...

This is wonderful! Why watch the show when I can catch the better version here? Can't wait for the next installment.

And two men should never cry together fireside. I have more balls than that. Geez.

Lauren said...

Okay I watched five minutes of Bromance and thought "wait, is this REAL??"

So. Bad. Great recap, though!

LBluca77 said...

Still have not watched the show. Bruce Jenner is scary, he needs to back off the plastic surgery. Brody though is a nice tasty dish.

kate said...

LOL i LOVE your tv play-by-plays. Seriously. It makes me wish ANTM came back sooner for that reason.

And seriously? This is one of the oddest shows I've watched as far as leaning on the edge of being bromosexual. And brotastically humorous. So many bro-references!

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