Monday, February 9, 2009

To discuss Grammy commentary, with Jonas Brothers aplenty

I've already done a running commentary on the Golden Globes, so I'd be remiss not to do the same for the Grammys. Capricorn and I spent most of our Sunday evening watching this. I think I saw more Jonas Brother footage than I'll need in a lifetime. Don't read if you want to avoid spoiler or Kid Rock mentions:
  • Before the Grammys began, Coldplay's Chris Martin was on 60 Minutes, telling the reporter he wishes the other bandmates would take over the spotlight, such as the drummer. "I want him to be a flamboyant homosexual drummer who says outrageous things." Have him compete on "Bromance," Chris!
  • It's awkward when you don't know if the teenager on a rock star's arm is his date or his daughter.
  • And the Grammys open with... a singalong with U2? Is that in case Bono forgets the lyrics?
  • Whitney Houston, who looks like she finally ate something, initially appears put-together tonight as a presenter. But soon she gets back to the out-of-it Whitney we know and love. "She's acting like Anna Nichole," warns Capricorn. "She's gonna die next year." Whitney gives Jennifer Hudson a long, on-stage hug, presumably to whisper about the virtues of staying coke free.
  • I'm not sure if Capricorn will ever get as excited over me as she is when she hears the Jonas Brothers AND Miley Cyrus are going to perform tonight. She's worried there might be backstage drama with a Joe Bro and Miley. I worry Kid Rock is going to introduce a Joe Bro to the chronic.
  • I'd like to take this moment to point out that Chris Brown can't perform because he's currently being arrested for assault. That gave Grammy producers all of five minutes to throw together a back-up act of Justin Timberlake, Keith Urban, Boyz II Men and Al Green singing "Let's Stay Together." I wouldn't be surprised if producers peeked into the men's restroom and grabbed whomever was standing at the urinals. Fortunately for viewers, T-Pain pees sitting down and was not included.
  • Coldplay is performing. Chris Martin's costume makes him look like a failed Nutcracker. To say he can't sing live on pitch is to say The Beatles were mildly successful.
  • Carrie Underwood is up to sing "Last Name." Capricorn: "Jessica stole your man. It burns, doesn't it?"
  • The Grammy festivities continue with Kid Rock singing about... kids starving to death and praying? Wait, wait, his final song is about Rock and Roll Jesus. Phew. I thought Kid lost his Bawitdaballs.
  • Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks' plea for help.
  • How did they convince Stevie Wonder to play backup keyboard for the Jonas Brothers? Capricorn: "You know they are good when Stevie is singing for them." She then proceeded to stare dreamily at them and use phrases like "age of consent."
  • I used to like Coldplay. I really did. Now, I found myself actively rooting against them for Best Rock Album-- really hoping Kings of Leon would win. You know a band has fallen from grace when you are hoping Kid Rock beats them.
  • Katy Perry's performance is up and she emerges from a giant banana, surely a Freudian reference as she sings about bisexuality. The camera pans to the Jonas Brothers (those devils are everywhere!). Capricorn: "I think they're squeezing their purity rings."
  • Kanye has grown a fro/mullett. A Frollett?
  • SWEET FANCY MOSES M.I.A. IS ABOUT TO GIVE BIRTH! Does her performance of "Swagga Like Us" include her water breaking all over T.I.? I have to think producers must have made her sign a waiver form in case she gave birth on stage. I can foresee a wardrobe malfunction involving a baby popping out.
  • Now time for my favorite band, Radiohead, to perform. And they brought along the USC marching band. I love it. It's Blue Man Group, sans paint.
  • Smokey Robinson leads a tribute to the Four Tops with the only living Top. Jamie Foxx and Ne-Yo join them... even though Boyz II Men are in attendance and are nominated for their Motown tribute album. Jamie, step away from the microphone.
  • The Grammys really have the pulse on today's music: Jonas Brothers. Miley. Lil Wayne... and Neil Diamond! Everybody! "Sweet Caroline... ba ba ba..." I am a little concerned he's doing some weird speak-sing version that sounds like bad karaoke. But it has Paul McCartney singing along, so it must be (So) good(! So good! So good!).
  • No word yet if B.B. King was checking his blood sugar during his performance. I would have appreciated a follow-up appearance by Wilford Brimley for an impromptu PSA on diabetes.
  • A recap on Stevie's night: Back-up singer for Jonas Brothers. Closing act in which his song is used for background music on a Delta commercial and then plays while everyone walks out.


Dr Zibbs said...

I hate that Kanye West with a passion.

Anonymous said...

B.B. King!! That's who it was. I knew he was "famous," but could only recall his performance in the diabetes commercial.

Damn. That's pretty sad.

Diane said...

Capricorn and I clearly have the same taste. I think those JoBros are cute, too... of course, I have a 9-year-old and I sort of HAVE to listen to them...

stealthnerd said...

And you've made it safe for me to skip this to watch Desperate and Tool Academy.

Thanks for the recap--I have a feeling it was better than the actual Grammy's were.

Jossie Posie said...

Wow, your Grammy commentary was almost identical to the one that went down in my apt. last night with my sister.

Except when they did a close up of Joe Jonas, she had to wipe some drool off my chin.

Paula said...

KP came OUT of a giant banana??? Surely the giant banana should have came out of HER??? Er . . .

Great commentary as ever!

Mel said...

Reading your recaps of shows is infinitely better than watching the actual show. And, you almost got a bill for a new keyboard because I just did catch myself from spitting tea all over mine from laughing.

Teej said...

MIA made me want to vomit. Especially when she did that thrusting thing. Whoever allowed that to happen is twisted.

Amy xxoo said...

Jonas brothers.... capricorn, please. No.

More importantly, did Kings of Leon win ? Oh, and thanks for the recap by the way. The Grammys were shown here of course, and shown live even.... IN THE MIDDLE OF STUPID DAY WHEN I AM AT STUPID WORK!!!

surviving myself said...

I really, really, felt bad for Stevie. Poor guys already blind, do we have to make his life even shittier by have him sing with the Jonas Clan???

~Sheila~ said...

You know, I can never get into watching those grammies or emmys or anything like that. I will learn all I need from you...thankyouverymuch.

LBluca77 said...

So I don't really understand the excitement over the Jonas Brother. Then again I am not 13. Well physically no maybe mentally. I loved New Kids growing up but I think they were still much cooler than the Jonas Brother will ever be.

Thomas said...

"Chris Brown gets announced for his nominated song, "No Air." I now realize that song was Jordin Sparks plea for help."

Thanks, you just made me embarass myself in front of my co workers. I almost pissed myself.

Radiohead was great right?

Andy said...

Zibbs- He loves himself anyway.
Motown- That is extremely sad. It's B.B. freaking King
Diane- Maybe the two of you could double date two JoBros
Stealth- What in the world is that Tool show about anyway?
Jossie- Nice, you guys should come over next time
Paula- Thanks- and wow.
Mel- Mea culpa
Teej- I can't believe she thrusted
Amy- Kings of Leon did NOT win best rock album.
Myself- I guess we do
Sheila- It's my thanks to you for your own awesome blog
Thomas- Wear Depends next time you read, mmmk? And Radiohead was outstanding

sj said...

when i was watching the neil diamond fiasco, no one was around me. i had no choice but to text a friend and say to him: "OMG! Is that Neil Diamond or William Shatner??"

BeckEye said...

"How did they convince Stevie Wonder to play backup keyboard for the Jonas Brothers?"

Well, he is blind. They could've told him he was playing with anyone, and he wouldn't have known. Then when he's on stage with them and he finally hears who they are, it's too late to back out.

So did Kings of Leon win?? If they didn't, it will only further confirm my opinion that the Grammys are complete shit.

BeckEye said...

Oh...I got my answer, two comments above me. Figures.

Kellie said...

The "No Air" comment = completely awesome. :)

Herding Cats said...

After watching Whitney, I gave up on the grammeys. She was so cracked out it made me feel embarrassed and awkward.

Anonymous said...

what was the jonas brother called who could NOT sing and didn't know the lines to 'supersticious' ?

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