Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Jessica- Sea Cow... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise... and two new ones: Natalie- TBA (Until she does anything noteworthy, plain ol' Natalie will be TBA)... Nijah- Cucamonga (from Rancho Cucamonga, a great name for a city. Or a brothel.)
:00 The final 13 meet photographer Nigel and judge Paulina on top of the Empire State Building. Fingers crosses this means a photo shoot forcing the girls to pose with a giant gorilla while dangling off the side... Nope, Nigel's just giving them keys to their posh pad on the Upper East Side. You'd think in a recession the girls would live in a bungalow or a shelter or something. The CW must be better off than I thought.
:01 I'm already hoping they run into the Real Housewives of New York City.
:02 The stereotypes are already forming. Marathon, who claims she's not here for friendships and sees no competition, is going to fill the role of the bitch. Dracula is the quirky one nobody understands. Fomula is the eccentric one. Earl Grey is the inspirational one. And London the Baptist is the girl on a mission... Mentions of Jesus by her so far: 3. Appearances by Jesus so far: 0.
:06 First challenge: "Good Girl, Bad Girl" runway show, featuring a top New York designer whose name I don't recognize because I'm a dude. Why do designers volunteer to let inexperienced Top Model contestants in their show? Haven't they seen how broken their walks are? That's like Ford hiring student drivers to test drive their new cars.
:09 So far, we've had Earl Grey complain that the designer is making her wear pants to cover up her burn scars, and Carpe Diem complain that the strobe lights might cause a seizure. I wonder if Cheesecake will complain there's no cheesecake.
:15 In a Top Model first, Marathon must have thought she was strutting a 5K, because she only walked down half the runway before turning around. Even better, she still thought she did good, not aware the audience gasped when she screwed up.
:18 You know it's early in the season, because the girls are still trying to say nice things about the person they don't like (Marathon, who said other girls are "beneath" her). Give it a few weeks, and this will be all "I can't stand her," "I hate her," and, when they want to go for the jugular, "She's a... 'healthy' weight."
:19 First photo shoot: Portraying beloved childhood
:21 Rather than describe how the girls are dressed and the immediate joke that comes to mind, please observe the photo on the right.
:27 What you need to know: Each girl, dressed as a kid, is posing amongst a group of three other girls, dressed as the following: a crack head, a hooker and and a pregnant teen. In social worker circles, that's called the "trifecta."
:29 The childhood games include hula hoop, monkey bars, hopscotch... but, strangely, no "Seven Minutes in Heaven" or "Russian Roulette." Times have changed.
:37 Judging time. Prizes, as always: $100k contract with Cover Girl, a contract with Elite Model Management, photo spread in Seventeen... and, thanks to Obama, extended unemployment benefits.
:41 Girl after girl is busted on by judges for not understanding what the games are all about. Well, if they had picked Dreamphone or Mall Madness instead of Jacks and Double Dutch, maybe the girls would have a clue.
:45 Another commercial promoting auditions for next cycle of Top Model, asking for girls 5'7" and shorter. And the season after that, only girls 570 pounds or heavier.
:49 The judges say they don't like London the Baptist's wide hips. Those are called child-birthing hips, Tyra. You have three sets yourself. Expecting triplets?
:54 Bottom two: Marathon and Carpe Diem.... and Carpe Diem is going home, despite my great nickname for her. Why couldn't TBA go home?
:57 Next week: Makeovers! Bring on the drama train. Every season, girls get makeovers. Every season, a girl says she's too attached to her hair and can't bear to have it cut. And yet, they sign up for a show that they know involves a makeover. That would be like me signing up for American Idol and not wanting Simon to criticize me, or signing up for Rock of Love and not wanting to get as-yet unidentified STDs. Be practical, ladies.