Thursday, March 5, 2009

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model, Part II

This is Part II of the TV Play by Play of America's Next Top Model's season premiere. We're now down to the 13 finalists, 13 of which will likely never make it big, and 13 of which will suffer a mental breakdown because of their (fill in the blank) issue with their (choose: body/self-worth/attitude/ability/intelligence/slutty tendencies). Part I can be found here, but for your convenience, here's a run down of the nicknames:

The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Jessica- Sea Cow... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise... and two new ones: Natalie- TBA (Until she does anything noteworthy, plain ol' Natalie will be TBA)... Nijah- Cucamonga (from Rancho Cucamonga, a great name for a city. Or a brothel.)

The final 13 meet photographer Nigel and judge Paulina on top of the Empire State Building. Fingers crosses this means a photo shoot forcing the girls to pose with a giant gorilla while dangling off the side... Nope, Nigel's just giving them keys to their posh pad on the Upper East Side. You'd think in a recession the girls would live in a bungalow or a shelter or something. The CW must be better off than I thought.
:01 I'm already hoping they run into the Real Housewives of New York City.
:02 The stereotypes are already forming. Marathon, who claims she's not here for friendships and sees no competition, is going to fill the role of the bitch. Dracula is the quirky one nobody understands. Fomula is the eccentric one. Earl Grey is the inspirational one. And London the Baptist is the girl on a mission... Mentions of Jesus by her so far: 3. Appearances by Jesus so far: 0.
:06 First challenge: "Good Girl, Bad Girl" runway show, featuring a top New York designer whose name I don't recognize because I'm a dude. Why do designers volunteer to let inexperienced Top Model contestants in their show? Haven't they seen how broken their walks are? That's like Ford hiring student drivers to test drive their new cars.
:09 So far, we've had Earl Grey complain that the designer is making her wear pants to cover up her burn scars, and Carpe Diem complain that the strobe lights might cause a seizure. I wonder if Cheesecake will complain there's no cheesecake.
:15 In a Top Model first, Marathon must have thought she was strutting a 5K, because she only walked down half the runway before turning around. Even better, she still thought she did good, not aware the audience gasped when she screwed up.
:18 You know it's early in the season, because the girls are still trying to say nice things about the person they don't like (Marathon, who said other girls are "beneath" her). Give it a few weeks, and this will be all "I can't stand her," "I hate her," and, when they want to go for the jugular, "She's a... 'healthy' weight."
:19 First photo shoot: Portraying beloved childhood actorsgames. This is because, photo director Jay Manuel explains, Tyra believes girls grow up too quickly, and it turns them bad. Tyra, girls grow up too quickly by watching shows like Top Model in which 18-year-olds worry about their body fat and do nude photo shoots. Also, because of MySpace.
:21 Rather than describe how the girls are dressed and the immediate joke that comes to mind, please observe the photo on the right.
:27 What you need to know: Each girl, dressed as a kid, is posing amongst a group of three other girls, dressed as the following: a crack head, a hooker and and a pregnant teen. In social worker circles, that's called the "trifecta."
:29 The childhood games include hula hoop, monkey bars, hopscotch... but, strangely, no "Seven Minutes in Heaven" or "Russian Roulette." Times have changed.
:37 Judging time. Prizes, as always: $100k contract with Cover Girl, a contract with Elite Model Management, photo spread in Seventeen... and, thanks to Obama, extended unemployment benefits.
:41 Girl after girl is busted on by judges for not understanding what the games are all about. Well, if they had picked Dreamphone or Mall Madness instead of Jacks and Double Dutch, maybe the girls would have a clue.
:45 Another commercial promoting auditions for next cycle of Top Model, asking for girls 5'7" and shorter. And the season after that, only girls 570 pounds or heavier.
:49 The judges say they don't like London the Baptist's wide hips. Those are called child-birthing hips, Tyra. You have three sets yourself. Expecting triplets?
:54 Bottom two:
Marathon and Carpe Diem.... and Carpe Diem is going home, despite my great nickname for her. Why couldn't TBA go home?
:57 Next week: Makeovers! Bring on the drama train. Every season, girls get makeovers. Every season, a girl says she's too attached to her hair and can't bear to have it cut. And yet, they sign up for a show that they know involves a makeover. That would be like me signing up for American Idol and not wanting Simon to criticize me, or signing up for Rock of Love and not wanting to get as-yet unidentified STDs. Be practical, ladies.


Rosie Posie said...

I <3 you and your recaps! Being in Korea I can't watch such shows, so I thank you for giving me the highlights without my having to track down the show or force my hubby to watch it with me, which might result in my sleeping on the futon.

I guess what I'm saying is your recaps of Bromance and ANTM have saved me from being pissy in the mornings from futon-back-ache.

Amy xxoo said...

I dont get the hissy fits over the makeover sessions either. Me? I'd love a makeover.

As long as i get to keep both the hair stylist and make up artist .... up keep is a bitch.

Ben said...

Makeovers already? WOOOOT!

For some reason my channel cuts the 'scenes from next week' and I won't degrade myself by going to the website to look for them.

Kellie said...

I got so excited when I saw they were having a ANTM for women under 5'7" but then I remembered... I'm old. Damn the man.

stealthnerd said...

I'm gonna do it. I'm going on Top Model. I'm WAAAAAAAY under 5'7" and I'm 24. I've only got one good year left. Though something tells me 5'1/2" is probably not what they have in mind....

bex said...

The first picture = hilarious.

Soda and Candy said...

I'm in the right height range but alas just a scootch too old.

Of course my age is the only thing holding me back...
: P

PS - I love how Tyra promotes the issue of kids growing up too early by doing a photo shoot that hyper-sexualizes children. The micro minis and knee high socks? Really?

Nick James said...

That is talent right there. Great stuff and thanks for stopping by. I hit the follow button right after reading. See you everyday!

~Sheila~ said...

Oh excellent! I'm looking forward to the makeover show because I DO want to see some crying!!!

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