To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model returns, Part I

It's that time of year again- America's Next Top Model time. For, say, 7 or 8 of you, it's been a long, long time since you got your Model fix. For the rest of you, indulge vicariously through me for all the guilty fun but none of the viewer's remorse. Here's part I* of my TV Play by Play of Cycle 12, Episode 1. For a spoiler-filled rundown of this year's finalists, go here. For a recap of last season's finale, go here to read about BritMcKey's victory.


:01 Bubbly contestant Celia loves the group of girls she's with and thinks they are hysterical. That's what they all say on the first day. Four weeks in, they are screaming at each other and throwing clothes out windows.
:02 Allison appears to be bug-eyed. That might hurt her chances.
:02 This is already better than last season's intro, which was some kind of weird 2001: Space Odyssey meets Willy Wonka theme. This year, the girls meet at Caesar's Palace, where they will likely be working as waitresses if they fail at modeling.
:03 Kortnie says she's the only plus-sized model there. If her curvy but firm body means plus-sized, then the national rate of morbid obesity rate just drastically rose... We're just a few minutes in, and I already want to feed some of these emaciated models a cheeseburger.
:06 It blows me away every season so many girls audition but can't walk on the runway. Their limbs are flailing , their hips are shaking and their feet plod like hooves. Move with a purpose! Keep your feet walking in a straight line! Sway your hips! (It also blows me away every season that I actually know runway tips)
:08 Never one to inflate her own ego, Tyra is escorted in front of the girls by Roman soldiers and calls herself "The Goddess of Fierce." The girls scream with joy, mistakenly assuming Tyra will know someone who knows someone who can introduce them to the Jonas Brothers. Celia, perhaps correctly, says Tyra is something beyond human- "She's extra-terrestrial!" Could be, Celia, could be.
:14 Time for each girl to meet the judges so they can narrow it down. London says she's a street preacher who tells people about Jesus. "Hey, hey you, after you die, do you know what's going to happen?" she says, almost as if she's hoping the judges know the answer. Evangelism is in trouble if this is all we got- I've been more inspired to get a $5 footlong than she inspired me about Jesus. Nickname: London the Baptist
:16 Tahlia is this year's sob story. She got nasty burns as a kid after boiling hot tea was accidentally dumped on her. Expect to be reminded of this every week by Tyra. But good for Tahlia for persevering. Nickname: Earl Grey
:19 This is the first time in a long time I'm entering a "Top Model" season with a serious girlfriend, let alone a gorgeous one. This means I won't be examining contestants as potential wives as I have in the past. I hope this makes me more objective and less prone to impractical, illicit fantasies involving catwalks and chocolate.
:25 One girl said she wanted to make a good impression on Tyra... so she showed off her collection of food-shaped pens. Tyra isn't easily fooled, however, and after eating the pens asked the girl to name five models, which she couldn't.
:26 Isabella says she suffers from epilepsy, which "isn't going to hold me back." She's right- seizures won't hold her back. Her chopped haircut and overdone blush are going to hold her back. Nickname: Carpe Diem (Seize the Day)
:28 Fo says she nicknames herself "Blexican" for being black and Mexican. She must be unaware I'm the one who assigns nicknames around here. Fo said she didn't know she was black until she eventually met her dad. I didn't know I was black until I was rapping all the lyrics to Notorious B.I.G. songs. Nickname: Fomula (mixed like a formula)
:33 Celia is 25, which makes her the oldest model there. I just turned 26. Does this mean my Top Model dreams are dashed? Did I peak too late? Nickname: Model T
:34 Kortnie is becoming my favorite. "My body is a temple. Sometimes, my temple wants cheesecake." Best plus-sized model quote ever. Now I can see her in a swimsuit, and she definitely is bigger than other models, but, really, this is plus size? What a skewed perspective. In car terms: Most models are compacts, plus-size are coupes, regular women are family cars and larger women are SUVs. Oh, and Kirstie Alley would be a semitruck in this analogy. Nickname: Cheesecake
:35 Yeah, I so called Allison's creepy eyes. She admits people compare her eyes to those of a porcelain doll. Then she says she's obsessed with blood. Nickname: Dracula
:36 Teyona calls herself a tomboy who realized one day, "Teyona, you are fine, girl!" I've never had an epiphany that required me to talk in the third person about my looks. Need to work on that. Nickname: Cruise (as in Tom)
:39 You will never hear as much group screaming as you do when watching "Top Model." The girls scream when Tyra appears. When a contest is announced. When it's photo time. When they eat. When they go to the bathroom. It's all a little much.
:52 Time for Tyra to announce the finalists. Also time for Tyra to bust out her trademark over-enunciation and manic expressive facial movements, like she's auditioning for the role of Eliza Doolittle. Aminat made it, and so did her afro (Nickname: The Hair). Natalie and Nijah also gets called, followed by Fomula, Dracula, Earl Grey, and Model T. Tyra pauses to remind the girls that 13-7=6 spots left. A few girls breathe a sigh of relief that Tyra did the math for them.
:53 London the Baptist gets picked and thanks Jesus more times than in an Oscar acceptance speech. I'm a fan of the Big Guy, and she's still annoying me. Jesus doesn't watch "Top Model," LtB. (He's a "The Bachelor" kind of guy, I bet.)

:54 Other selections: Cruise, Cheesecake, Carpe Diem... and Jessica, a college student who attends Manatee Technical Institute, so Nickname: Sea Cow. The final spot goes to... Sandra, a Kenyan who is positive she is going the distance.Nickname: Marathon.
:55 Tyra tells the girls they are going to live in the Upper East Side. Alert the Jeffersons.


* Part II will come Thursday night, probably. I had a family emergency to attend to during Top Model time, so I was glad to even get this portion done. Fortunately, the emergency situation is better now, and you all still got a piece of the Top Model pie. At least this proves I have a soul and did not choose blogging over family.