To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Finale

We're down to Laura and Nicole in Cycle 13 of "America's Next Top Model," the first cycle for girls under 5'8. Nicole, at 5'7, and Laura, at 5'6, will now have to do the traditional Cover Girl commercial/photo, the Seventeen magazine shoot and the runway show to determine who will be America's. Next. Top. Model. Here's the TV Play by Play (here's last week's)......

The nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap) Laura (The Widower) and Nicole (Black Sheep)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin)

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:01 I almost forgot about the time at the baby photo when Jay Manuel asked if Black Sheep, "Are you awake?" Your "Top Model" finalist, everyone!

:02 Cows everywhere hope The Widower win tonight so they can stop shaking in fear she'll be back. That is, unless she somehow finds a way to combine her old life of cow castration with her new life of modeling. I smell a photo shoot theme.

:05 Jay Manuel looks like an Oompa Loompa today with his green coat and always slightly-orange skin. But he still looks good. Darn you Jay Manuel.

:08 I think Black Sheep's hair must weigh as much as her body. During her Cover Girl photo shoot with Nigel Barker, she looks as natural as possible and is already off to a good start.

:09 Widower, who is dyslexic, is stressed about her Cover Girl commercial. No worries, Widower. It's only a $100,000 contract and the chance of a lifetime! At least she has a legitimate excuse for messing up her lines. Most cycles, girls mess up just because they aren't any good. What's more, Widower didn't let it get to her, and eventually got it within about 10 takes. Compare that to Erin/Mena, who earlier this cycle was whimpering on her last take.

:11 When most models want a mental image to make them smile during a photo shoot with Nigel, they think of Jesus or their boyfriend. Widower is thinking of milkshakes and kittens. If she's not the all-time coolest Top Model contestant by now...

:12 Black Sheep's commercial isn't going well. Jay said she sounds like a rich snob. Maybe Cover Girl is catering to a new clientele these days. Goodbye Wal-mart, hello Nordstrom! ... There's such a juxtaposition between the Southern drawl of Widower and the private school enunciation of Black Sheep, it's almost as if the producers wanted to pit these two against each other on purpose... but hey, they'd never fix it like that. Um, right?

:15 Time for the Seventeen magazine cover shoot, with Ann Shoket leering around, hoping to get on camera a lot to prove she's still editor of the magazine and not just a woman who keeps popping up on "Top Model."

:18 The girls have a sit-down one-on-one interview Tyra, who asks hard-hitting questions like, "How tall are you?" and "So, you're a finalist?" Black Sheep says she used to sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a student. Those days are over, Black Sheep. Now you can sit in a bathroom stall during lunch as a Top Model!

:20 Widower's grandmother wrote her a letter, saying how proud she is of Widower for making it this far. What grandma isn't saying, Widower, is that she's going to be jacked if you win the competition, because you won't need grandma to make clothes for you anymore. Another unemployed grandma, out on the streets. It really is a tough economy.

:22 It's time to prepare for the final runway performance; isn't it strange the show has the girls do runway in the finale, even though they barely do it at all during the season (this is one area that Bravo's "Make Me A Supermodel" is superior). That would be like "American Idol" asking its finalists to rap. On second thought, let's make that happen.

:23 Erin/Mena, Jennifer/Miss Congeniality, Sundai/Hot Fudge Sundae and Brittany/NC-17 are back to walk with the girls. They do their best to not act jealous.

:24 The girls (also including Cycle 12 winner Teyona) are going to model Julia Clancey designs, which evidently are a mix of Victorian-era, disco balls and pixie dust ... Everyone says they want Widower to win. So if you win, Black Sheep, I'd exit stage left asap.

:27 It's a shame Widower doesn't smile more.

:28 Runway time. The theme is "the elements." Black Sheep's first runway walk is a little scary. She looks like she wants to murder the audience. Maybe "the element" is volcanic explosion?

:30 If The CW is ever hard up for cash, they could probably make a killing selling uncensored "Backstage at 'Top Model' Runway Shows" DVDs. The blurred nipples are everywhere. Meanwhile, Widower looks great on her first walk, despite having never been in a runway show like this before.

:33 Black Sheep does much better on her second walk, with a theme of "Wind." And the last walk is "Water." This is starting to feel like a "Captain Planet" runway show. "This is one of the funnest things I've done," Widower says. Well put, Widower.

:38 It's time for the winner to be revealed. After going through all the girls' photos and work so far, the judges think Black Sheep is very couture, and Widower is very photogenic and personable. And the winner is...

:40 Black Sheep! She can hardly believe "a dork" like her is "America's Next Top Model." Dorks everywhere, rejoice. Too bad for Widower (and for her cows), but you have to think she'll get a modeling job in no time.

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Photos are from The CW.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Hawaiin Hip Hop"

Last week, Sundai drowned under the pressure of an underwater shoot, and she was sent home. With just four girls remaining in Cycle 13, it's only going to get more intense as we head into "Hawaiian Hip Hop," which sounds like something out of So You Think You Can Dance.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in the season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) NC-17 (Brittany) Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

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:04 Mena Suvari has been in the bottom two for three weeks in a row now, and escaped every time. Is that a Top Model record?

:06 The Widower is surprised she's still in the competition, considering not luck ago she was castrating bulls. I'm surprised she still has sunburnt cheeks. Hasn't she figured out the whole sunscreen thing yet?

:07 Hip hop hula dancers ... well, now I've seen it all. Instructor Anna-Ritta Sloss says it's a new interpretation of hula. Then you see the Top Model girls try to do it, and you see a new interpretation of the new interpretation: hip hop hula train wreck.

:17 You know Top Model is struggling to find controversary when, during a practice for the hula challenge, all they can come up with is Black Sheep saying Mena "is getting kind of annoying." Take that, Mena! Oooh, burn! So Miss J, runway diva extraordinaire, says the winner of the challenge gets a trip to Hawaii with a friend. Just for doing hip hop hula? Shoot, where's my grass skirt?

:19 I love Miss J. On Mena's sad-to-happy hula interpretative dance: "It was like, child, please, you were angry." Meanwhile, Widower, out of nowhere, shows she can shake her booty on the hip hop portion. Miss Congeniality thinks Widower "probably gets freaky at the club." I'd think so, too, if I thought Widower had ever, ever been to a club that didn't have line dancing.

:24 Photoshoot time. The big surprise: Two girls are getting eliminated, a major change from Top Model history (usually, it goes down to Top 3, with two girls going home in the final after they all shoot the Cover Girl commercial). The theme is emulating Pele, the Hawaiian goddess of volcanoes. Top Model doesn't take the extreme step of having the girls shoot in a volcano, though. Hey, if Frodo and Sam can do it...

:30 Miss Congeniality is having a tough time modeling with her face and her body at the same time. On top of that, she has a tough time standing on the rocks without falling. Other than that, she's doing great.

:32 Black Sheep is going to win this photo shoot. You can tell by her amazing hair alone. Well, that, and Black Sheep almost always wins the photo shoots.

:33 They make Widower look like Rachel Hunter (Ed. note: I thought that before the judges point it out later). Widower tries doing the off-balance ninja wearing a dress pose. Sexy! I almost forget what Widower sounds like when I see her all done up... and then she talks and you remember she puts the bumpkin in country bumpkin.

:34 According to the photographer, evidently the goddess of volcanoes should be flirty and sexy. Have you ever met a sexy lava flow? Mena turns around her shoot by singing a pop song in her head. Any guesses what the song is? My guess is "I'm a Little Teapot."

:42 Judging time. Guest judge: Ann Shoket, who must never actually be in the office at Seventeen Magazine. The judges think Mena's photo is sexy and Miss Congeniality looks stiff. Tyra wants to help Widower look better in another grandma-made outfit, telling her to adjust the shirt. Can someone tell Tyra, then, that her parachute suit looks ready for takeoff?

:47 The judges love Widower's photo, even if she looks short (and her face looks like she wants to possess your soul). Black Sheep has a great face, but OK pose. This is the Top 4, right? And no one nailed it?

:55 Black Sheep, of course, gets best photo. And the other finalist is ... Widower! That means Miss Congeniality misses being Top Model's first Asian girl in the finals, and Mena misses adding to her record-setting escape of the bottom two. Next week, it's the grand finale, with the Cover Girl commercial and the runway show.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Dive Deeper"

Last week, Brittany couldn't cut it in the biracial photo shoot, which was either a really cool racially progressive idea, or a really stereotypical, racist thing to do. Hard to say when it comes to Top Model. We're now down to the Top 5 in last night's Cycle 13 episode, "Dive Deeper."

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley), Lelly (Kara), Mommy (Rae) and NC-17 (Brittany)
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:05 Mena Suvari is feeling the pressure. She finished in the bottom two two weeks in a row, as she watched Mommy and NC-17 get kicked off. Mena says at age 18, this is the biggest thing she's ever done. C'mon, Mena. American Beauty was the biggest thing you've ever done. You almost blew Kevin Spacey.

:06 Hot Fudge Sundae reveals she used to be in a foster home, but it's made her a better person- an admirable attitude. Not as admirable: She's sucking her thumb.

:07 It's The Widower's birthday, and she couldn't be happier. As she noted, she's gone from "castrating bulls to modeling." Yeah, but since you started modeling, Widower, it's been Bulls Gone Wild back on the farm. It's a veritable orgy.

:09 Swimsuit model/Victoria's Secret model/teenage boy dirty fantasy Marisa Miller,
the guest judge for the week, is on the beach to teach the girls about swimsuit modeling. Contrary to my belief, the object isn't to just look like the swimsuit is going to fall off at any moment. There's actual technique.

:10 I'd tell you more about what happened during the bikini session, but I passed out.

:11 Another blurred out moment: Widower's bikini top must have had a malfunction. There's been a lot of blurred out moments on Top Model this year. Just wait for them to release an uncensored DVD... Meanwhile, the girls practice being sexy under a shower. Drowned rat must be the new sexy. The only thing getting turned on right now is the faucet.

:19 For the challenge, the girls have to jump off a cliff into the water, giving a good pose on the way down. Mena says she has no problem jumping. "I'll jump off anything." Really? Are you taking requests? I know some girls in the house who might make a suggestion.

:23 What a surprise, Black Sheep wins. Miss Congeniality, who isn't very congenial this episode, practically is ill thinking of Black Sheep winning another event. It reminds me of Melrose- she won all the time, and the girls hated that. Melrose ended up losing to Caridee. So that means Black Sheep will end up losing to... Marisa Miller, who enters the competition for the chance to get on the cover of Seventeen magazine.

:25 All the girls except Mena are awarded extra frames at the next photo shoot, as nobody wanted to choose Mena because she's a "brat," according to Black Sheep. When the girl who everyone is jealous of says you're the unlikeable one, you know things aren't going well.

:32 Photo shoot time. The girls are shooting underwater, which they should have been expecting because it's a Top model staple. Without watching ahead, you just know one of the girls will have some issue with being underwater and freak out. It's like a girl being late for go-sees. P.S. I watch too much Top Model.

:33 Widower freaks out at first, but gets it together and remains adorable as she explains how it's bad to "Freak out at the bottom of the ocean." Actually, you are about 5 feet underwater, Widower, but we like you, so it's OK.

:35 Hot Fudge Sundae (who freaked out) comes up with all kinds of excuses on why she can't do the shoot. Jay Manuel said stop screwing around and do it. As someone with asthma, I don't buy her excuse she can't hold her breath underwater because of asthma. You're giving kids with asthma a bad name. And trust me- my middle school years prove we don't need any help.

:44 Judging time. Once again, Widower has an outfit on her grandma made. Her grandma must do nothing but sew all day. Give granny a break, Widower. Let her go castrate a bull once in a while. Side note: Marisa Miller's top is so low cut, she has bottom and top cleavage. It's epic cleavage.

:46 Miss Congeniality says she stops breathing during judging because of nerves. During deliberation, Marisa says Miss Congeniality's pose is "too erect." Miss J replies "it can never be too erect." Now I'm the one who's not breathing.

:56 Miss Congeniality gets top photo, followed by Black Sheep and Widower. Hot Fudge Sundae and Mena (for the third time in a row) are in the bottom two.

:58 And Hot Fudge Sundae goes home. They must really love Mena to keep stringing her along. Or maybe they'll just string her along to Top 2 and then cut her. Tyra's evil like that.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 "Interview 101"

Last week, Kara (Lelly) got kicked off after a disastrous ninja photo shoot. This week, in "Interview 101," we get to the all-important Cover Girl commercial shoot. Let's see what happens.

Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), The Widower (Laura), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley) and Lelly (Kara).

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:05 The girls are still ragging on Black Sheep. NC-17 says Black Sheep still has no personality, and that NC-17's personality "is one girl's can relate to." So girls can relate to being jealous?

:07 The girls go see Lara Spencer, host of "The Insider," and Ant, host of Celebrity Fit Club. The girls have to practice interviewing different stereotypess of actors, from strung out to high strung. Do they practice "the Tyra"?

:11 The Widower is worried about the interview challenge, as she has a learning disability that hurts her reading skills. Some girls don't do well when the teleprompter goes out while they interview "90210" actress Jessica Lowndes. If Top Model wanted a "90210" actress, why not get Lori Loughlin? At least then the girls could ad-lib questions about Full House. "So, do you think Becky and Joey were secretly having an affair?"

:13 The Widower is up. The teleprompter turns into a garbled mess of numbers and symbols. "0163. Is that a word?" The Widower wonders off-camera. On-camera, she blurts out the f-bomb. Otherwise, she's doing awesome!

:20 Mena is great on-camera, partially because she's done so many movies before. (If no one has told Erin she looks like Mena Suvari, I'd be shocked). She wins the challenge, and she and two friends, Miss Congeniality and Mommy, get to go on a Seventeen magazine shoot.

:24 Cover Girl commercial day. The girls get prep kits to practice. You know The Widower is going to struggle, maybe as much as Jael did on that Aussie shoot a few seasons ago (a total trainwreck).

:29 Teyona, who was terrible on Cycle 12's Cover Girl shoot but won the competition anyway, is there to mentor the girls. Is it me, or did anyone else forget Teyona won, and not Allison? Is it me, or does anyone remember who won any of the seasons?

:31 The girls are promoting Exact eye makeup. But it looks like they are holding a tampon. Black Sheep does surprisingly well. Hot Fudge Sundae sounds like a dude -- Nigel Barker says "she sounds like an amateur." Nigel thinks Miss Congeniality, however, is "naturally charming."

:33 The Widower, as predicted, does a terrible job remembering her lines, but is oozing charm. NC-17... you could almost hear the crickets. At least they let the girls spend the night memorizing Cover Girl lines this time. Usually, all the girls mess up.

:36 Mena implodes (not literally, though, as that would be messy). "This has been the most stressful situation anyone could have pressed me into," she says in the confessional, fighting back tears. Of all the people I thought might implode, Mena was on the bottom.

:42 Guest judge: Kim Kardashian, who is a fashion expert... says Tyra.

:44 The judges love Miss Congeniality's video, which was very, um, congenial. Kim loves it, too, probably thinking, "I haven't been that comfortable on camera since... well, let's just forget about that."

:46 Widower admits she's severely dyslexic, and that words on the page seem like they are moving. And she still did a nice job on the commercial, which can only make Mena feel worse. If that's possible, that is.

:49 Mena's commercial looks like she's talking about genocide, not eye makeup. She is sniffling by the end of it. Let's just say it's not Cover Girl-esque.

:53 The judges deliberate, mocking the way Hot Fudge Sundae sounded like a used car salesmen. She could probably sell a Taurus easier than mascara.

:55 Miss Congeniality goes first, followed by Black Sheep, NC-17, Sundae, Widower...

:56 ... leaving Mommy and Mena. Tyra says Mommy doesn't stand out, and Mena signed up for American Pie 2. Mommy is going home, though, as Top Model never keeps girls once they feel there's no potential.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 'Petite Ninja Warriors'

Last week, the girls had the Benny Ninja challenge. Ashley, despite her dance background, wasn't good at dancing. That would be like me not being good at a writi... hey, forget I mentioned it. The girls also had a Cirque de Soleil photo shoot with Sundai, Brittany and Rae doing the best. (There was no recap last week because of a Tivo issue. I would rather blame the machine than myself.)

Now on to this week's Play by Play. Here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney) The L Word (LuLu) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Lady Luck (Ashley)
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:05 The girls goof around with "Top Model: The Musical," as Mommy pretends to be The Widower, using a horrendous Southern accent. The Widower, who is all types of adorable, admits she's a small town girl, but wants people to know she's been out of her small town a bunch. I hope she's not counting the models' stop at Wal-mart a few weeks ago as "out of her small town."

:06 Lelly doesn't understand why Black Sheep does so well in the competition and yet "has no personality" and "sounds like a robot." Lelly, that's because the robot can take good pictures, and yours look the same every week. This isn't Miss America. If it was, one of the models would have told us by now about the virtues opposite marriage.

:07 Go-sees time. Bold prediction that comes true every season: One of the girls won't make it back in time. It's as if they don't watch previous seasons to realize that's a big deal. That'd be like forgetting the lyrics on "American Idol."

:08 A twist this year: The girls are split into pairs, and have to drive themselves to each go-see. I'm praying for a fender bender, but I don't think I'll be that lucky

:09 First go-see for NC-17 and Lelly is at a jewelry store. Lelly doesn't have pierced ears, "a disaster," says the owner, Neil Lane. Lelly must have seen the Full House when Stephanie pierces her own ears and gets an infection. I understand, Lelly. By the way, they are showing a ton of Lelly footage so far. That's usually an omen.

:11 Widower is at a TV commercial go-see. She says she can do a hood-rat accent. Evidently in Widower's hood, people talk like flamboyant Australians.

:13 Skyler Mattson, one of the TV commercial reps, said Lelly looked like a trainwreck with greasy hair. But enough about the positives, what about the negatives, Skyler?

:21 Hot Fudge Sundae and Mommy have only gone to two go-sees, and Sundae wants to fit another one in, while Mommy, being very Mommy-like, says there's no time and wants to drive back. Sundae overrules her, and it looks like we've found our "who's going to be late?" contestants.

:23 Annnnnddd I was right. Sean Patterson from Wilhelmina Model gives the pair a tongue-lashing. "I don't have the time to deal with you right now. I don't even want you in the room." He really hates models who are late. And I would, too. But it's not quite the same being late in a reality TV competition set up for someone to fail, right?

:25 Black Sheep wins, and is so happy to win a challenge after having an awful photo shoot last week. Of course, most of the other girls get jealous. Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae both mock Black Sheep's monotone voice. Little do they know, the girls who make fun of other girls out of jealousy on Top Model are doomed to failure. Recent examples: Ashley and Lulu.

:32 Photoshoot time. The girls are dressed like (fashionable) ninja warriors and are suspended in the air with a wire harness. And who hasn't done that lately? I call that "Saturdays."

:36 Lelly is STILL making fun of Black Sheep's voice. Dear Lelly: You are the pot. Black Sheep is the kettle. Your voices are the black. Get it? And Lelly's photo shoot was awful, unless the objective is to look like you need to use the bathroom.

:38 Hot Fudge Sundae is struggling. It's hard, she says, to keep track of how the props look, keeping her face pretty, moving her limbs, finding a good pose... or, as some call it, "modeling."

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is Jessica White, who has been in Sports Illustrated seven times and looks like the black version of Megan Fox. Mena has great shots, possible Mena's best work since American Beauty, or at least since the second episode.

:52 Black Sheep gets the top photo, giving her a two-for-two week. After that, it's Widower and NC-17, who is wearing a top so low cut, Tyra says if she wore the same top, "it would be slightly pornographic." No, Tyra, it would be like your old Sports Illustrated photos. After that, it's Mena, Miss Congeniality and Mommy.

:55 That leaves Lelly and Hot Fudge Sundae in the bottom two, no surprise. And Lelly gets kicked off, despite having a fashionable face. Lelly says it was stupid to even audition for Top Model now that she didn't win. Lelly, don't you watch those "Top Model: Models in Action" segments each week? It doesn't matter if you win- you're all destined to a somewhat successful but not widely recognizable career.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13 Ep. 5

It's the Tyra photo shoot on "America's Next Top Model." Time for Tyra to remind us that she's the best photographer ever. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Mena (Erin), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel), Spirit Fingers (Courtney) and The L Word (LuLu) (Interviews with all these girls over at Real Blogger)

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:03 "My boob's about to pop out," Lelly says while looking at her winning photo on the wall. I thought the same thing! It was like Beyonce's magical, stay-in-place cleavage on her MTV Video Music Awards performance.

:05 Tyra mail still comes in paper form. After 13 cycles, you'd think she'd send it on e-mail or Twitter.

:06 The girls learn how to do smoky eye makeup from professional makeup guy Sam Fine. He does The Widower's one eye, and she looks like she got in a street fight. Sexy.

:07 This has to be the only reason Nigel has ever had to go to Wal-mart ... The challenge: Run around Wal-mart on fake go-sees. Hey, maybe they'll see people like this. Anyway, there are four stations the girls have to stop at: clothes, shoes, make-up, hunting gear and photo, with fewer items than girls at each station. Like musical chairs, except its musical models.

:10 I haven't seen this much exposed underwear... since the last time I was at Wal-mart.

:16 The girls pushed, pulled and cheated their way to the finish line- Mena, Pouty McPouterson, and Hot Fudge Sundae make it, with Lady Luck losing out after Mena hid her photo. Mena made no apologies for it-- I like it. Hot Fudge Sundae wins, earning a $1,000 Wal-mart gift card, the best prize so far this season, by far.

:22 It's time for the photo challenge. Tyra is the photographer, which is Tyra's favorite part of Tyra's show (If you weren't sure of that, look at the episode title). The focus is on beauty modeling, which Tyra says "is all about the face." To me, it looks like doing a bunch of sexy Facebook profile photos.

:25 A twist: Tyra will pick a top photo at the end of the shoot, instead of waiting for judging. Someone will get immunity ASAP. Or, as its known in reality competitions, "taking all the mystery out of the episode."

:28 The girls all are wearing head scarves. NC-17 has to wear hers over her face. For her, it's for artistic effect. For me, that would just mean they are trying to hide my face. The scarves idea is genius. I mean, nobody's ever, ever done a photo shoot with silk scarves before. Except for a lot of people.

:33 After each shoot finishes, Tyra rehashes each girl's performance, wearing the scarf and saying weird things. I'll let this photo speak for itself.

:35 NC-17 wins ANOTHER challenge, getting immunity for the week. She's the Lebron James of Cycle 13, except she has yet to nab her own Sprite commercial. As a reward, she gets an extra photo shoot for tyrabanks.com with two male models Tyra "discovered." Tyra makes a joke about the girls probably wanting to jump the guys because they haven't been around a man for so long. Well, technically, they've been around Miss J and Jay Manuel, but, well...

:43 Judging time, with guest judge China Chow. As noted, NC-17 has the top shot and walks up to get her photo. Miraculously, she doesn't keel over after Tyra congratulates her, what with all the daggers shot into her back by jealous girls behind her.

:46 Widower gets mocked for her crazy, striped, romper with midriff outfit, made by her grandma, Wanda Sue. Miss J can't get enough of Widower talking about her country roots. Me too, Miss J, me too. Widower cracks me up.:52 After NC-17, it's Miss Congeniality, Mommy, Black Sheep, Mena (who I thought was going home because they kept showing her so much earlier on), Widower, Hot Fudge Sundae and Lelly.

:56 That leaves Lady Luck and Pouty. Tyra says Pouty's face is too hard in photo, and that Lady Luck was the most difficult to shoot... but Lady Luck gets to stay, as Pouty's lucky streak of evading the bottom two runs out.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13: 'Make Me Tall'

After two girls got kicked off last week, there's no telling what will happen this week on "America's Next Top Model." Well, other than Tyra doing something weird. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's recap, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)

Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa), Headlights (Rachel) and Spirit Fingers (Courtney)

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:05 Pouty McPouterson thinks she needs to work on her face this week. Maybe she missed the part when the judges said she looked like a dude. I think she's got more to worry about than smiling with her eyes.

:06 Ah! Now I know. Lady Luck looks like Rosario Dawson.

:07 9-year-old Diva Davanna, who's assisted runway coach Miss J today, is already a runway veteran. That's supposed to be a good thing, not a frightening thing. Check out her Web site, and then pray any of the girls learn to walk like she does in this video. And that Diva doesn't beat up your kid.

:09 The girls do runway walks for Miss J. As foretold by 12 cycles of Top Model before them, they all walk like they are either waiting to use the bathroom or auditioning for a Lady Gaga video ... I wonder when Miss J started learning she could do runway. Birth? Did she do a few fierce first steps?

:12 Hot Fudge Sundae starts some drama by telling Pouty that Spirit Fingers (kicked off last week) wasn't really her friend and talked behind her back with Pouty's supposed other friend, The L Word. Spirit Fingers told me herself on Real Blogger she liked Bianca and was good friends with her. Not sure who to believe, but Pouty believes it and shuts down emotionally. I think this was the plot to "90210" last week.

:19 Challenge time. The girls have to walk the runway alongside a model 5'10 or taller. This is going to be like watching a middle school dance, with the Top Model contestants serving as the pre-pubescent boys.

:22 I wonder if L Word knows you can't have a signature walk before you have a signature on a fashion show paycheck.

:23 "My first runway walk was so much better than walking down the frozen food aisle," The Widower said. Not much to say after that.

:25 NC-17 wins the challenge (and deserved to). She'll get a spread in Playboy. Or was it Seventeen? Yeah, it's Seventeen. Sorry. Wrong reality show.

:27 Pouty has an honest conversation with Black Sheep, saying she's still getting over an abusive relationship. Lady Luck and L Word, being the mature ones, scoff at the thought of Pouty being nice and innocent. They are basing this on all the long, in-depth conversations they've h... oh, they didn't have that with Pouty? They're just conjecturing and assuming? Not on Top Model!

:33 Photo shoot time. The girls are basically on a construction site using ropes and scaffolding to make themselves look tall and elongated, the theme of the day. L Word does the worst she's done so far, photo director Jay Manuel says. So how do you really feel, Jay?

:37 Jay tells Pouty to use soft expressions. Pouty obliges by doing her "I'm going to RIP YOUR HEAD OFF" faces during the shoot. And then Jay tells Pouty to think of something she loves (Jesus), and she's all better. Jesus, as it turns out, is the key to good modeling. And salvation.

:45 Judging time. The guest judge is "supermodel" Jaime Rishar. I say "supermodel," because it used to be the word was only used for the best of the best- Cindy, Naomi, Linda, Christy. Now, anyone who has modeled and appeared on TV or print seems to get that title. Maybe I'll call myself a superblogger.

:48 Some girls do a nice job looking taller- Hot Fudge Sundae, Mena and Black Sheep. Some must have thought that by "elongated," Jay Manuel meant "eshortgated"- NC-17 and Mommy. An impressed Tyra tells Black Sheep she doesn't look 5'6 in her photo- she "looks 5'13." I thought she looked 6'1, but who am I to judge?

:56 Top photo this week: Lelly, followed by Black Sheep, Mena, Hot Fudge Sundae, Miss Congeniality, Pouty, Widower, Lady Luck and Mommy... which leaves ...

:58 ... L Word and ... NC-17 (really? really??). L Word can't take a good photograph, and NC-17 couldn't look tall. L Word gets kicked off, which might make all of her "I have a better walk/take a better photo than the other girls" comments seem a bit premature. Just a bit.
.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13: Fortress of Fierceness

This third episode of America's Next Top Model should be a doozy. Why? Partly because I like the word doozy, and partly because two girls are getting kicked off. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's episode, the two-part season premiere, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa)

:06 The girls are taken to Wilhemina Modeling to interview with president, Sean Patterson, and Nigel Barker, the Top Model judge/photographer. And, once again, a girl gets caught looking foolish- The L Word says she loves fashion... then can't name one fashion photographer. This would be like me saying I love the NFL, but I can't name a team.
:15 In a surprise move, Nigel and Sean say a girl is getting kicked off right now for not being Wilhemina material.... and it's Headlights, who was "boring." She couldn't come up with one song to sing when Nigel asked her to show something from her musical theater experience. I would have rocked that part! "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and fierce!"
:18 Top Model jumped the boat that jumped the shark. As the girls are getting fake-ripped on by a photographer, Tyra, dressed in a trench coat like a supermodel pedophile, swoops in to say she can be a good model. The photographer doubts her, so Tyra gets angry and eats babies. Well, at least, she might as well have. She ripped off her coat to reveal a black-and-silver leotard and cape. Her superpower is her Smize, or Smiles with My Eyes. It's like she's the reject student at Professor Xavier's X-men academy.
:20 Tyra gives individual Smize lessons, telling the girls to internally think of something that make them smile. NC-17 says "cats," so Tyra, wrapping her arms around Brittany, says let's touch your cat. "Oh, that sounds a little gross," Tyra quicky says. Yes, Tyra. Yes, it does.
:20 Miss Congeniality, with her lazy eye, is worried about smiling with her eyes. It's a little hard to smile with your eyes when one looks like it's frowning. Black Sheep, on the other hand, never smiles at all, so asking her to smile with her eyes is like asking Heidi Montag to sing the national anthem. You're screwed before you even start.
:21 Top Model jumped the ocean than the boat landed in. The girls, getting ready for an eye-smiling photo challenge, are dressed up like Oompa Loompas in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel.
:22 Check that. They look like ninjas in a gay pride parade.
:25 The winning team from the challenge get dinner with the Wilhemina Modeling president. The losing team gets to wash dishes... Eh, good practice- those that don't cut it as models will end up doing this anyway, right?
:31 Nude shoot, third episode into the season. But not just any nude shoot. They are shooting nude, on top of a horse, with a jockey. "Is that a riding crop, or are you happy to pose with me naked?"
:34 The Widower says she's thrilled because she owns a horse, and she loves nudity. I sense a new sport: nude horse racing. You can bet on Win, Place, Show and Nipple.
:37 Photo director Jay Manuel: "If I think back to someone like Isis (Cycle 11), who was transgender, she looked a lot more feminine than Pouty McPouterson did today." Your Cycle 13 Top Models!
:44 Lauren Conrad is the guest judge. Her qualifications, according to Tyra: She's a super-duper huge reality star, and a clothing designer...This would be an accurate assessment of, say, Christian from Project Runway, but LC? Qualifications: Former star of a show critically panned for vapid personalities and scripted "reality." Not as famous anymore as Heidi. Kinda hot, sometimes, in certain photos.
:48 Tyra said Pouty's face in her photo looks like a "Who farted?" Pouty's having a really good week so far!

:54 Why do I expect Spencer Pratt to jump out during judging and tell everyone he hates LC?
:55 Mena gets top photo, followed by NC-17, The Widower, Black Sheep, Lelly, Miss Congeniality, Hot Fudge Sundae, Mommy, The L Word, Lady Luck, which leaves a bottom two of...
:57 Spirit Fingers and Pouty... and, uh, Spirit Fingers is going home? Not the girl who looks more like a man than a transgender and made a fart face? Top Model really doesn't like girls who give up-- Spirit Fingers lost her rah-rah-rah when she got frustrated in her shoot and said she stopped caring. She would have been better off making a fart face.

To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model Cycle 13 Premiere

It's already time for another season of America's Next Top Model. If you were like me, you could barely sleep at the mere thought of it! Or, more accurately, you were kind of happy your Tivo recorded it and figured, hey, better than Property Virgins reruns. Here's the two-hour season premiere play-by-play. If you haven't read my Top Model play-by-plays before, I give all the girls nicknames, as it's more fun that way. Here's the recap of the Cycle 12 finale, when Cruise (Teyona) won it all.

:03 Tyra makes her entrance. I think this is Tyra's favorite part of every season- her first entrance, when the girls act like she's the second coming of the Beatles, and she gets to act crazy.

:04 Last year, Tyra did the Greek god thing. This year, she used a terrible French accent. Next year, she busts out her Jackie from Fresh Prince persona. Can't wait!

:05 Jay Alexander, the photo director, hasn't aged since I've started watching this show.

:12 The girls interview with the judges. Courtney walks in on crutches because she broke her foot while cheerleading. Nice idea playing up the sympathy card, Courtney, but next time, really go for it by accidentally putting a hot iron on your face so you have a signature look the judges can't ignore.

:13 Tyra says she likes Courtney's body because "she has no boobs... she's almost like a boy." So Courtney is a flat-chested, crippled cheerleader. If that thought doesn't give her confidence, I don't know what will. Nickname: Spirit Fingers

:14 Amanda is so poor, she doesn't have indoor plumbing in her trailer, so if she has to go number 2, she goes to a gas station. I can't make this stuff up. Nickname: Joe the Plumber

:22 Amber loves Jesus. She wants you to know that, as it's the reason she's modeling. (I think that's in the New Testament somewhere). She also walked into her interview strutting like a peacock. Tyra: "What was all that?" Amber: "My catwalk. Meow." ANTM is back in full force! Nickname: Right Said Fred

:32 Laura, a Kentucky girl, castrates cows.... When they were asking for Top Model applicants 5'7 or shorter, did they ask that they be as odd as possible? Nickname: The Widower

:34 Almost all of these girls are skinny as a toothpick. I guess Tyra didn't want to try to promote a plus-size, short Top Model. Or a girl who looks like she has girl parts.

:35 The more I watch Top Model, the more I can see how each girl is a reminder of a past girl. Rachel has big doe eyes like Allison (Dracula) from last season. Bianca has a shaved head like Nnenna. Right Said Fred loves Jesus like London (London the Baptist). Different season, same girls.

:47 Tyra, Miss J and Jay narrow the field from 20 down to the final 14. I'll give them this- they somehow see models in girls that on the street, you'd think are destined for "What Not to Wear," or, in some cases, "Man vs. Wild."

:47 Kara looks like the love child of Kelly from Real Housewives of New York City and singer Leona Lewis. Not sure if that's a good thing yet. Nickname: Lelly

:54 Tyra calls out the top 14. As she stands next to the six girls who didn't make the cut, you are reminded this is Top Model Short Year-- she's literally head and shoulders taller than them. For a visual, think Godzilla attacking New York City.

1:00 NOOOOOO! Right Said Fred dropped out "for personal issues." She was a comedic gold mine, Tyra! Bring her back! Oh well. Lisa, who didn't make the cut before, takes her spot. Nickname: Understudy

1:02 This episode isn't joking around. They are already doing make-overs. Save something for next week, Tyra.

1:02 You know those Etch-a-sketch things you played with as a kid to give the man a funny mustache or crazy hair? That's essentially what Tyra is doing to each model's photos to illustrate their make-over.

1:06 Can we give all of America a make-over? Wouldn't we all be the better for it?

1:07 Every season, one girl complains about her make-over. This year, it's the girl with no hair, Bianca. She complains about her eyebrows getting bleached. It's one of many things Bianca complains about. Nickname: Pouty McPouterson

1:16 The girls go to the Top Model house, which has fun house mirrors and oversized furniture to remind the girls they are short. I wonder if they made the toilets too high. That would be funny.

1:16 Did I mention there's a girl named Sundai on here? That's not even my nickname for her. But she'll need a Nickname: Hot Fudge Sundae (a la Saved By the Bell, for those in the know)

1:22 Photoshoot time- the girls are replicating their childhood photos. Erin, even with bleach blond hair, looks like Mena Suvari. Well, that one's easy enough. Nickname: Mena

1:22 It's LuLu's turn. LuLu revealed earlier she's a lesbian, and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest. Nickname: The L Word (that one works too perfectly)

1:23 Rachel, with her big doe eyes, will have the same problem Allison had last year in doing something with her face beyond "Deer Caught in Headlights!" Nickname: Headlights. During Rae's shoot to replicate her ballerina photo as a little girl, she has to wear eight-inch heels that have her standing on her toes, making her look like a ballerina about to turn tricks on the corner. She's got a daughter, and that's going to give her motivation. I like it. Nickname: Mommy

1:28 Brittany's photo as a kid is her sucking on a Pixie stick. But, as Jay Manuel points her, she looks like a porn star when she sucks on the Pixie stick as an adult. Nickname: NC-17

1:30 Nicole, with her mane-like red hair and standoffish attitude, is the black sheep of the house so far, the proverbial "here for the modeling, not to make friends." But she does great in her photos, so Jay compliments her. Nicole just smiles and nods. There's a girl like her every season. Nickname: Black Sheep

1:31 Last one, finally (14 girls is a lot, Tyra.) Jennifer is proud to be the sole Asian girl in the competition, and she's also proud after nailing her photo shoot. She's the bubbly one everybody loves and is just glad to be here. Nickname: Miss Congeniality

1:38 Judging time. Different this year: Paulina is gone, so a guest judge is being used. This time, it's some random model, Chanel Iman, but in future weeks, it'll be people like Lauren Conrad, Marisa Miller and Kim Kardashian. Also different: Wilhemina Modeling is signing the winner to a contract, as Tyra notes Wilhemina is willing to sign a girl of any height. Not said: That means the usual agency, Elite, said "Hecccccccccck no we're not signing a shortie."

1:50 My favorite shot of the week: Ashley, who got discovered by Top Model while attending the Tyra Banks show. Nickname: Lady Luck. Least favorite: Hot Fudge Sundae.

1:53 Girls in the top 13 (in order called): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai)...

1:54 With a bottom two of Pouty McPouterson (Bianca) and Understudy (Lisa). Pouty had a good photo, bad attitude. Understudy had bad photo, good potential.... and, since Top Model looooves keeping around girls with a bad attitude, Pouty stays, Understudy goes.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model Cycle 12 Finale

The "America's Next Top Model" finale. It's here. The one you've all been wai.... the one you can't stop thi.... the one that was on last night.

Who knows what I'll do Play by Plays on next, with Top Model done for a few months. Suggestions?

Here's the nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9) Model T (Ep. 10)

:05 Like a band geek left behind on a bus full of cheerleaders, Dracula feels out of place with best friends The Hair and Cruise.

:07 It's Cover Girl photoshoot/video time. Prediction: One of the girls has trouble remembering her lines. All eight of them. Modeling is tough!

:08 Last year's winner, McKey, is visiting to offer the girls' advice. Somewhere, Natasha Henstridge is frantically calling 911, asking for help in locating her gangly, awkward sister.

:09 The Hair gives a convincing performance for her commercial, after director Jay Manuel tells her to move her face around and stop being all "Botoxville" See: Housewives, The Real.

:10 The photographer says Dracula has that "Bettie Paige look." I'm not so sure I'd want a Dracula pin-up above my bed. That's more scary dream than wet dream.

:11 ... anddddd cue tears. Cruise forgot the words. I think they should put one of those bouncing dot things on a teleprompter to help the models. And the dot should be Tyra's face

:19 Based on those Cover Girls commercials, these are the weakest final three in recent Top Model memory. They're beautiful, sure, but... man... this is more like "Rhode Island's Top Model" or "The Greater Montana Area Top Model" compared to some past seasons (remember Jaslene, Renee and Natasha, Season 8?)

:20 Judging time. Soak in judge Paulina Porizkova now...'cause she got fired and won't be back. Bring back Janice Dickinson!

:21 Cruise's Cover Girl commercial is to acting trainwrecks as to Hilary Duff is to... well, acting trainwrecks.

:23 Tyra is telling the models how she thinks real people talk. I hope she doesn't use herself as an example, or the models will. start. talking in low. voices with. lots of pauses for. dramatic effect.

:29 Dracula is in...

:30 And so is... Cruise. That means The Hair, who was at one point referred to by judges as "a waste of a body," is going home. I'm so glad I don't have to go before judges to keep my job. I can only imagine what they'd refer me as a "waste of."

:32 Cruise's collarbone bothers me. It sticks out like an appendage, like a chest arm. I'm afraid a stray dog is going to jump on her and gnaw on it. And Dracula still has those bug eyes, which I said in the first episode "might hurt her chances." By hurt her chances, I meant "take her to the finals." Just to be clear.

:33 Does anyone have an idea how old Jay Manuel is? He hasn't aged since the series began.

:35 Try to understand this Top Model logic: Every season, the girls get maybe one runway lesson with Miss J, and have one or two runway challenges. But, in the season finale, with everything on the line, they have a mammoth runway show to serve as judging fodder. Makes no sense. Another thing that makes no sense: Capris.

:36 Tyra gives the girls a pep talk. The girls reaction: "Um-hmm... yeah.... yep." I've sounded more excited getting my taxes done than they do for the final runway show. Your final two, everyone!

:44 After two passes on the runway, it's time for the big finale. The big finale involves all the models coating themselves in black paint and writhing on the floor with each other. You read that right.

:48 Judging time. They're going through all of this season's photos for Dracula and Cruise. Here's a fruity photo of Dracula.


:57 And the winner is... Tyra Banks!
No, it's Cruise, who got her Play by Play nickname for saying she was a tomboy (as in, Tom Cruise).

This is the same Cruise who Tyra at one point described as having a windblown face... and now, she's America's Next Top Model.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Model is for the birds

We're down to the final four on "America's Next Top Model." Unlike "American Idol," there's no Slash to serve as a guest mentor, even though that would be excellent. Still, the girls get to go into the jungle and act like birds. Considering they already eat like birds, I think it will be an easy transition. Here's the Play-by-Play of Episode 10, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Allison- Dracula… Celia- Model T… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8) Fomula (Ep. 9)

:04 Cruise is pumped her swimsuit photo earned top honors least week. "The girls are looking extra juicy!" she says, pointing at her cleavage in the photo. Extra juicy? Are we talking steaks, or Sunny D?

:06 There are two black girls and two blond, white girls left in the house. Way to get some diversity in the final four, judges. Again, I say, why did you kick off Fomula?

:08 The producers are beating down Model T because of her age in this episode (Top Model: Find a flaw, expose a flaw). Like she can do anything about her age at this point. She's not a Real Housewife, you know.

:11 For the challenge, the girls have to salsa. Cruise dances like she's a drug mule skirting past airport security.

:16 I've seen more convincing dance performances watching middle school musicals. I've seen more salsa on Tostitos. I've seen... yeah, they aren't good dancers. The good dancers are on "So You Think You Can Dance," premiering this month on Fox! (Cue Andy giggling)

:17 Model T had to write "Relax" on her wrist to remember to relax. Too bad she didn't write "Don't be so old" on her wrist, as that's what the judges really want.

:20 It works. Model T wins the challenge, and takes Dracula to get $7,000 worth of jewelry. I had originally offered Top Model to give away my $4,500 Honda Accord with 120,000 miles on it, but they said the CW wanted to splurge. Whatever. I've got a CD changer and a sunroof. Their loss.

:23 They show a commercial with last year's winner, McKey. I still can't get past the fact she looks exactly like Robin from How I Met Your Mother. Except Robin is hotter.

:26 You know Lindsay Lohan's fire crotch? Dye it blond and put it on Dracula's head. That's what her hair looks like going into the photo shoot.

:29 Tyra, being Tyra and all, can't simply just tell the models she'll be photographing them. She has to have a fake car accident set up so that the models' bus has to stop, they get out, and then she emerges from the smoke. Can you imagine Simon Cowell descending from the balcony on American Idol to announce he's going to judge? No? That's why I nominate Tyra as a guest mentor on Idol. It would be trashtastic.

:29 The crazy hair is explained: The girls are dressed as birds. That's a shame, because now Dracula resembles the Cowardly Lion's sister.

:30 Oh, Tyra. You lasted 10 seconds before you had to give advice. Hold back next time. Please.

:31 Dracula hugs Tyra, then, like a pubescent boy after his first dance, awkwardly blurts out, "You're really pretty." Dracula, if you keep that up, Tyra's never going to kiss you at the end of the date.

:32 Somehow, The Hair's hair is even bigger than before. I think it now has a vote in the United Nations.

:33 Tyra: "You know how birds kick their booties out?" No, Tyra, I don't. Please demonstrate. Oh, there, you did. For a second, I was worried you'd pass up an opportunity to remind everyone you used to model. Next, she'll show us how momma birds feed baby birds through regurgitation. Fierce!

:34 Sidenote: Capricorn told me Tyra's new catchphrase on her talk show is "Disgusting." I don't think Tyra knows that you can't just will a catchphrase into the lexicon. I should know. I've been saying Top Model is "trashtastic" for months.

:36 Tyra has stumbled and almost fallen on her face numerous times during this shoot. Baby Jesus did not answer my prayers, though: Almost fallen.

:43 Judging time. The judges love that Dracula looks like a little bird in a nest. Then, half the judges love Cruise's photo, the other half hate it. Paulina, a judge, tells Cruise she does well despite not being blessed with a great body. Chew on that thought for a little bit while you chew on those chips and pizza, readers. If Cruise, a Top Model finalist, doesn't have a great body, Paulina thinks your body is (fill in the blank).

:47 Miss J says Model T doesn't look like a spring chicken, although the other judges like her photo. So, just as an update: Cruise doesn't have a great body, and Model T, at 25, is old. Feeling good yet?

:48 The Hair gets complemented for finally figuring out you're supposed to move your face around when you model. Your Top Four Models, America!

:55 The Hair and Model T are in the bottom two, a familiar spot for both of them in recent weeks.

:57 Model T is going home, essentially because the judges think she's too old... which they've know this entire time and only now decided was an issue.

:59 The big season finale is next week: The Hair, Cruise and Dracula. I can't say any of them looked like Top 3-material in the first week. Who do you think will win? Dracula doesn't have the runway walk, Cruise is plateauing, so I'd say The Hair.

I'll be interviewing Model T over at Real Blogger later today UPDATE: Here it is... I'll make sure to remind her again and again she's old.

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: Top Models in teenie bikinis

There was no TV Play-by-Play last week for Top Model, since I was out of town. But maybe that's just as well, because Natalie (TBA), who was eliminated, canceled her interview with me for Real Blogger. That hurt my feelings, Natalie. I was going to profess my reality show love for you, and instead, you canceled because you're bitter about the show. Oh well. Here's Episode 9's TV Play-by-Play, with a nickname reminder:

Aminat- The Hair… Fo- Fomula… Allison- Dracula… Celia- Model T… Teyona- Cruise

Eliminated: Carpe Diem (Ep. 1), Sea Cow (Ep. 2), Cucamonga (Ep. 3), Cheesecake (Ep. 4) Marathon (Ep. 5) Earl Grey (Ep. 6) London the Baptist (Ep. 7) TBA (Ep. 8)

:01 Last week, the photo shoot involved the girls wearing fruit on their head, like Carmen Miranda, the inspiration for the Chiquita Banana girl. I think Top Model is running out of ideas. Next, they'll have girls spray painted green to pose like the Green Giant. Ho, ho, ho!

:02 I'm already missing Natalie, who was the only girl left that I thought was a smoking hottie. Don't try to convince me Cruise, with her piranha smile, or Dracula, with her wig-like hair, are smoking hotties... I'll already be trying to convince myself, as I feel better about watching the show when at least I think the girls are hot.

:04 Fomula's kinda hot.

:04 and 2 Seconds Well, maybe not.

:04 and 4 Seconds Yeah, she's situationally hot. Don't know what situationally hot is about? Say you're in a room/event/workplace/bar/prisoner of war camp. There are members of the opposite sex there (or same sex, whatever. This isn't a Prop 8 blog). Now, in a perfect world, none of them are that hot. But, hey, you've got to deal with what you've got, so in that situation, maybe a couple of them are hot. In the last five Top Models, Fo, who normally wouldn't catch my eye, is now situationally hot. Go ahead, try it with your friends. Try it at church.

:06 It's Go-Sees day, when the models run around town, meeting with potential employers. Every year, at least one model doesn't make it back to the meeting point on time. I'm sure this year will be no exception. My favorite was when Heather just stood in the middle of Beijing, turning in circles, not going anywhere because she was so lost.

:10 I think Jordana Brewster from Fast & Furious is one of the designers! No, my mistake. It's Cris Barros. Crap. I was hoping Vin Diesel would pull up to the curb and offer a model a ride to the next designer in under 10 seconds.

:12 I slipped up talking with Capricorn about this show, and started confusing talking about Top Model contestants being on American Idol (which is when you know you have a reality show problem). That got me thinking: Which American Idol finalist, of any season, would have made a good Top Model? I have to think Katherine McPhee.

:19 Dracula's runway walk for the designers looks like she has to pee. Is that a technique?

:22 Hey, I called it. Model T and Fomula are late. Don't they watch past seasons? Don't they read my Play-by-Plays?

:24 Cruise, The Hair and Dracula all get a helicopter ride over Sao Paolo, Brazil, for being on time. Cruise wins the challenge. Also, this is the first time I've noticed The Hair is 8 feet tall.

:26 One of the models who got kicked off told me Fomula cries all the time. Well, she was right. Fomula has cried this entire episode.

:32 Photoshoot time, with judge Nigel Barker doing the shooting. The models are at the beach, wearing the tiniest bikinis this side of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition. They are so small, there is a blur over their booties. TBA, why did you leave me the show?

:33 Fomula's strategy must be: Let's look like all my limbs are broken.

:35 I'm pretty sure I just got Dracula pregnant, judging by the fact her bikini bottom is smaller than a napkin.

:37 Model T does so poorly, Nigel is forced to reverse roles and show her how to pose. That would be like all of you jumping over to my living room and showing me how to write, and that ... that would never happen... heh... um... right?

:50 Judging time. They love Dracula and Cruise (who gets top photo), and they hate The Hair, Fomula and Model T. I didn't like any of them: It's a swimsuit shoot, and I've been more turned on looking at the lingerie section of a JC Penney catalog.

:56 Model T and Fomula are in the bottom two... and Fomula gets sent home, partially because judges think she's too short (she's 5'8"). Every week, they send a girl home after finding a flaw they otherwise had gone unnoticed or unsaid: TBA only had a "sexy look," London the Baptist "got fat." Next week, Model T will get kicked off "for kinda looking like Gollum from Lord of the Rings in certain light."

I'll be talking with Fomula this afternoon for Real Blogger. Check over there in the next few days to see the interview.