Wednesday, March 11, 2009

To discuss a TV Play-by-Play: "Top Models" light up with glow sticks

After last week's marathon two-hour premiere, we're now down to 12 contestants on "America's Next Top Model." If it was up to Tyra, I think she'd just tell them she's kicking them all out and anointing herself champion, but I'm sure that's against the rules or something. Here's Cycle 12, Episode 2 TV Play-by-Play, with a reminder of nicknames:

Aminat- The Hair... Fo- Fomula... Allison- Dracula... Tahlia- Earl Grey... Celia- Model T... Kortnie- Cheesecake... Isabella- Carpe Diem... London- London the Baptist... Jessica- Sea Cow... Sandra- Marathon... Teyona- Cruise...Natalie- TBA ... Nijah- Cucamonga.

Eliminated: Carpe Diem.

:05 In a previous season, Tyra made a theme out of how concerned she is for the environment. That must have gone out the window, because the girls are picked up for their challenge in a stretch limo that might get the same fuel economy as, say, a Hummer with a leaking gas tank.
Top Model Tyra on phone:06 Crazy Tyra moment #1,683: She appears in a video message on Jay Manuel's iPhone to tell both he and Miss J they need to transform the 12 remaining girls into models via makeover. Except, since it's Tyra, she says it like they are on a top secret mission. And it's done with her in front of a blue screen... literally, a blue screen. CW couldn't spring for an exotic backdrop? She is right about one thing: The girls are going to cause drama when they get their hair cut. Happens every season. It's as regular as Aunt Flo at a nunnerymonastery; good catch, although I'd like to see that, too.
:08 True every season: Some of my favorite photos of the models are right after they get their makeover. I wonder if I can arrange a photo shoot right after my next hair cut. Sure, it might look strange for me to pose near-nude in the salon, but it'll really show off my bone structure. My facial bone structure.
:11The Hair loses The Hair, after stylists remove her afro weave like a Mrs. Potato Head accessory. Miss J takes advantage of this and wears the afro around him like a T-shirt, making him look like a black Tom Selleck.
:12 And this year's hair freak out is...TBA! Well, at least she's known for something now.
:18 Oh hair snap! It was all a joke- Jay tells TBA they actually aren't cutting her hair because it's perfect. Jay, Jay, Jay. If you really want to milk the drama, you have to cut all her hair first and THEN tell her you're just kidding.
:20 The real hair diva, it turns out, is Fomula. She had her hair cut short like an artsy Jonas Brother, which would be fine, except there are no Jonas Sisters... Fomula says this is the first time she's ever felt ugly. Really? I feel ugly at least once a month just by getting GQ in the mail. You got one hair cut.
:21 The models are really slumming it now. The Cover Girl spokesperson challenge usually takes place in a Walmart. But there aren't any Walmarts in New York City, so Top Model had to import the Cover Girl make-up wall for the challenge. Curiously, the faux display does not include large families wearing matching sweatpants cursing and screaming from a distant aisle, and NASCAR blankets in a nearby bin.
:25 Teams of three have to get a random girl off the street and show her Cover Girl's new mascara, which is probably the same as the old mascara but with different packaging and marketing. The trio of The Hair, Marathon and Model T win, earning them the right to be part of a commercial no one will remember.
:33 Photo shoot time, with judge Nigel Barker shooting. This time, the girls have to light themselves on fire! with flashing light bulb sticks. Since most girls can barely pose, let alone think about lighting sources, this goes about as smoothly as giving cell phones and GPS's to drunk drivers.
:38 I think at least one model (Fomula) cries every photo shoot. If you went to work and one person cried every day, that would be abnormal and cause for alarm. If you're on Top Model, it's just another day.
:44 Judging time. Every season, Miss J has a gimmick wardrobe thing to represent each girl who gets kicked off. In the past, it's been necklaces, patches, orphaned children, whatever. This year, he's adding a new bowtie for each girl. I wish he'd really go for it and use shrunken heads instead. Or their bras.London Makeover
:46 I'll say it: London the Baptist (bottom left in group photo) looks like Renee Zellweger with her new makeover. Jerry McGuire Renee, not Bridget Jones Renee.
:50 The judges say none of the girls smile with their eyes, which is a Top Model commandment, right up there with posing with a purpose, having a fierce walk, commanding a presence and not being stuck in weight purgatory between model thin and plus size thick. Oh, and not freaking out on nude photo day.
:55 Now the judges take another look at the photos and have the following reactions: Fake gagging, "I can't even look at it," "She looks dead," "What is she doing?" "Ugly, ugly, ugly." America, your prospective Top Models!
:56 Cruise gets the best photo. Bottom two: Fomula and Sea Cow, whose photo loTop Model Episode 2 Group Shotoked like a Facebook photo album reject.
:58 Sea Cow is gone, another one of my favorite nick names down the drain. I'm guessing she feels silly now, considering earlier this episode she said she's not sure if it's possible for her "not to look pretty." Karma, my model manatee, karma. At least she left humbled: "I'm way prettier than some of the girls here."
Coming up next week: The girls attend Miss Jay's charm school. I can only hope it's like VH1's Charm School.


cavy said...

oh sea cow - i'm sad she's gone only because of her immense modesty - i'd like to see some daggers thrown this season. hopefully the other girls can make my wish come true.

Amy xxoo said...

"Karma, my model manatee,karma".

Okay, i totally just cacked my pants with laughter. That may be one of the funniest lines you've ever written.

Herding Cats said...

I hated the lighting photo shoot. In fact, the whole episode was slightly boring/annoying. I hate how you can TOTALLY tell who is getting the boot about 5 minutes into the show. Too much foreshadowing. Okay, that is my Top Model analysis for now.

Racquel Valencia said...

Oh goodness... your play-by-plays save me so much time. Time which I then waste, of course, but whatever.

Also, nuns live in a convent, monks live in a monastery. Aunt Flo visiting there might actually be cause for alarm...

Soda and Candy said...

Awesome recap, awesome episode.

London does look a bit Zellwegery! I hope she doesn't start doing that cat's-bum face Renee always does.

I also liked how in all the interviews before the makeovers were done, every girl was suddenly wearing a suspicious beanie.

(Also "It's as regular as Aunt Flo at a monastery" ??? I think you mean nunnery. I'm pretty sure Aunt Flo doesn't go near monasteries. Unless my grip on religion is even more tenuous than I thought.)

Heather said...

The Tyra "top secret" message thing was soooo over the top. And that limo, seriously?! Wow.
As always, loved the recap - even though I actually watched it for myself this week. :)

Kellie said...

Sea cow was my favorite nickname. What am I going to do now!?!?! I think this season may possibly have the worst contestants ever. None of them have a clue what they are doing. And that girl w/ the big eyes still creeps me out.

Liz said...

"It's as regular as Aunt Flo at a monastery."

I'm so using this quote today... about everything... whether it relates or not...

Love the play by play!

FunnyGal KAT said...

Who was eliminated? Was it the one with the crazy eyes?

(I can't believe I care enough to even ask. I must go wash vigorously now so I can stop feeling so dirty.)

BeckEye said...

I only caught the last 15 minutes. I thought it was hilarious that Tyra told that female Fabio that modeling is about "more than just being pretty," and her parting remark was that she knows she's "way prettier than some of the other girls." Uh duhhhhhh.

Living in NYC, I've seen plenty of models up close, just walking down the street. None of them are "pretty." They're all skinny bird-like freaks with horribly oversized facial features. If that's what it takes to look great in pictures, I'm glad that I'm horribly unphotogenic.

Lump said...

dude, these are awesome because I never have to watch this ridiculous show. ;)

and you know what I heard the next casting is for chicks who are 5'7" or shorter! WTF? I'm 5'7", so I just know I could rock that smiling with your eyes shit. too bad my old ass is 28 years old. ha.

Nick James said...

haha you are awesome. I think we'd be great friends!

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