Here's the March 2009 review. There's links to some of the photos so I could make this post safe for work. Also, you may want to read a Bible afterward:
- First ad: Girl having sex. Second ad: Girl with plunging neckline dress. Third ad: Girls in bikinis. Yep, this is
- There's a joke page (which will really help me out the next time I'm at a college frat party.) Example: "Q: How do you know if you're really ugly? A: Dogs close their eyes when humping your leg." Or you get cast as the misunderstood one on America's Next Top Model.
- A photospread of Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano: I can't fathom the amount of boob tape she must be using. She has on a swimsuit with thin vertical strips of fabric covering her boobs, but she is laying/lying/lain/flat on the ground and her boobs are still in the proper position. Is that the goal for every woman- wear an outfit one day that requires boob tape?
- Porn to Be Mild- How adult stars have fared going from XXX to mainstream film. Sly Stallone (he was in 1970's "The Party at Kitty") was deemed most successful, right after Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. There's still time, Kim Kardashian. There's still time.
- Cover girl- Eliza Dushku, of "Buffy" and now "Dollhouse," says she likes chess and guys with scars. Somewhere, Stephen Hawking is grabbing a scapel and staring at his arm, saying (in robot voice): "I've. Got. A. Shot. I've. Got. A. Shot."... Here's a summary of Eliza's photo spread: Eliza spread out on a fur rug with her butt sticking out. Eliza on her hands and knees in lingerie. Eliza back on the fur rug with her stocking-covered feet in the air. Eliza putting a suggestive finger near her mouth while she wears an impossibly lifting bustierre. Eliza leaning back while a bra strap falls perilously off her shoulder.
- Shorter summary of Eliza's photos: Sex, sex sex sex, sex, sex, wad of tissues grabbed by lonely men.
- Capricorn's summary of Maxim-style lingerie photos: "What's the point? Don't buy this pussy crap. If you're buying this to get off, there's a lot better stuff out there" she advises men of the world.
- Newport cigarettes ad includes Surgeon General's Warning: Except the warning is advising pregnant women not to smoke. That's the warning you're going with in a Maxim ad, Newport? You think a lot of family-oriented, married men are reading Maxim, see this ad and think, my GOD I better tell my knocked up wife she better stop smoking! More plausible for these readers: My GOD I better tell my knocked up stripper mistress she better stop smoking!
- Do you know who Danneel Harris is? No? She's got a three-page photo spread, one involvin her licking a cupcake like it's the last dollop of sexual satistifaction on Pastry Planet. Danneel, evidently, is the star of Fired Up, the movie about two guys infiltrating a cheerleading camp. Danneel reveals this tidbit about her on-screen antics: "Simulated lesbianism bonds you quicker than anything."
- Maxim's 2009 Sex Survey: Well, at least Maxim and Cosmo share their love for this kind of stuff. Here are some results of a survey of women:
- 18 percent lost their virginity before age 15. I didn't even know how to lose my virginity before age 15.
- 0.6 percent have had more than 100+ sexual partners; about 4 percent had between 30-99. And yet, just 1.1 percent had zero partners. So, basically, you're more likely to bump into Mary Carey than the Virgin Mary. Strap two on, boys.
- About 49 percent of women have tried _____. I'll let you guess. It doesn't involve another woman. But it might involve walking like a cowboy the next day.
- About 62 percent of women said they wouldn't let a guy pee on her. Only 62? Threesome came in at 8 percent. If the guy pees on you during a threesome, well, I just don't know what follies would ensue.
- Maxim's advice on "Scoring on St. Patrick's Day"- Tell her you really like her shoes, and show her you have friends so she doesn't think you're a dangerous sociopath. Even better: Tell her your friends with Manolo Blahnik.
- Personal note: The manner in which men's magazines and women's magazines treat readers is startling and, in all actuality, sad. Women's magazines tell readers they aren't pretty enough, don't sleep around enough, sleep around too much, need tons of cosmetics, should stop buying cosmetics, and should constantly try to please their guy to the brink of overanalyzing every one of his words. Men's magazines tell readers they should have all the latest gadgets, stare at women's breasts and have the latest gadget that helps you stare at women's breasts. Although, I'll say that men's magazines are more likely not to use a third-grade vocabulary (ahem, Cosmo?)