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Thursday, March 12, 2009

To discuss Maxim: Infiltrating the March 2009 edition

Judging by my poll, you like the Cosmo reviews I've been doing, if only because it saves you $4. Well, to be fair, I thought I'd do a Maxim review as well so you ladies and gay guys can get insight on what men are reading. Cost: $6. Yes, $6, even though it's half the size of Cosmo. I'm going to write it down as a business expense.
Here's the March 2009 review. There's links to some of the photos so I could make this post safe for work. Also, you may want to read a Bible afterward:
  • First ad: Girl having sex. Second ad: Girl with plunging neckline dress. Third ad: Girls in bikinis. Yep, this is Cosmo Maxim, alright.
  • There's a joke page (which will really help me out the next time I'm at a college frat party.) Example: "Q: How do you know if you're really ugly? A: Dogs close their eyes when humping your leg." Or you get cast as the misunderstood one on America's Next Top Model.
  • A photospread of Mixed Martial Arts fighter Gina Carano: I can't fathom the amount of boob tape she must be using. She has on a swimsuit with thin vertical strips of fabric covering her boobs, but she is laying/lying/lain/flat on the ground and her boobs are still in the proper position. Is that the goal for every woman- wear an outfit one day that requires boob tape?
  • Porn to Be Mild- How adult stars have fared going from XXX to mainstream film. Sly Stallone (he was in 1970's "The Party at Kitty") was deemed most successful, right after Paris Hilton and Jenna Jameson. There's still time, Kim Kardashian. There's still time.
  • Cover girl- Eliza Dushku, of "Buffy" and now "Dollhouse," says she likes chess and guys with scars. Somewhere, Stephen Hawking is grabbing a scapel and staring at his arm, saying (in robot voice): "I've. Got. A. Shot. I've. Got. A. Shot."... Here's a summary of Eliza's photo spread: Eliza spread out on a fur rug with her butt sticking out. Eliza on her hands and knees in lingerie. Eliza back on the fur rug with her stocking-covered feet in the air. Eliza putting a suggestive finger near her mouth while she wears an impossibly lifting bustierre. Eliza leaning back while a bra strap falls perilously off her shoulder.
  • Shorter summary of Eliza's photos: Sex, sex sex sex, sex, sex, wad of tissues grabbed by lonely men.
  • Capricorn's summary of Maxim-style lingerie photos: "What's the point? Don't buy this pussy crap. If you're buying this to get off, there's a lot better stuff out there" she advises men of the world.
  • Newport cigarettes ad includes Surgeon General's Warning: Except the warning is advising pregnant women not to smoke. That's the warning you're going with in a Maxim ad, Newport? You think a lot of family-oriented, married men are reading Maxim, see this ad and think, my GOD I better tell my knocked up wife she better stop smoking! More plausible for these readers: My GOD I better tell my knocked up stripper mistress she better stop smoking!
  • Do you know who Danneel Harris is? No? She's got a three-page photo spread, one involvin her licking a cupcake like it's the last dollop of sexual satistifaction on Pastry Planet. Danneel, evidently, is the star of Fired Up, the movie about two guys infiltrating a cheerleading camp. Danneel reveals this tidbit about her on-screen antics: "Simulated lesbianism bonds you quicker than anything."
  • Maxim's 2009 Sex Survey: Well, at least Maxim and Cosmo share their love for this kind of stuff. Here are some results of a survey of women:
  • 18 percent lost their virginity before age 15. I didn't even know how to lose my virginity before age 15.
  • 0.6 percent have had more than 100+ sexual partners; about 4 percent had between 30-99. And yet, just 1.1 percent had zero partners. So, basically, you're more likely to bump into Mary Carey than the Virgin Mary. Strap two on, boys.
  • About 49 percent of women have tried _____. I'll let you guess. It doesn't involve another woman. But it might involve walking like a cowboy the next day.
  • About 62 percent of women said they wouldn't let a guy pee on her. Only 62? Threesome came in at 8 percent. If the guy pees on you during a threesome, well, I just don't know what follies would ensue.
  • Maxim's advice on "Scoring on St. Patrick's Day"- Tell her you really like her shoes, and show her you have friends so she doesn't think you're a dangerous sociopath. Even better: Tell her your friends with Manolo Blahnik.
  • Personal note: The manner in which men's magazines and women's magazines treat readers is startling and, in all actuality, sad. Women's magazines tell readers they aren't pretty enough, don't sleep around enough, sleep around too much, need tons of cosmetics, should stop buying cosmetics, and should constantly try to please their guy to the brink of overanalyzing every one of his words. Men's magazines tell readers they should have all the latest gadgets, stare at women's breasts and have the latest gadget that helps you stare at women's breasts. Although, I'll say that men's magazines are more likely not to use a third-grade vocabulary (ahem, Cosmo?)

24 comments:

Sam_I_am said...

so significantly more women would rather be peed on than have an threesome?? That sounds like the next WildARSChase poll... >:-)

TishTash said...

"About 49 percent of women have tried _____."

...to wear a Stetson?

Diane said...

I'm with Sam on the poll thing. I'd really like to meet the group of women polled for the article... 38% were OK with golden showers? Hmmmm... Oh, and ICK.

amindinmotown said...

Your analysis of men's and women's magazines is entirely correct, and definitely sad and depraved.

I strangely prefer Maxim to Cosmo. I may be the only girl that says that, but so true.

Soda and Candy said...

The results of the Maxim poll may be heavily weighted, as 100% of those polled are the kind of people who answer Maxim poll questions.

Excellent work Andy, please make this a regular feature along with the Cosmo review! Not sure I agree with Capricorn's assessment though; doesn't she know that if you buy Maxim instead of actual porn, you don't have to feel as bad about yourself?

stealthnerd said...

Fun Fact: Daneel Harris was actually a character on One Tree Hill and her character somehow was ranked among the hot students nationwide and so she got to pose for Maxim.

I should probably be ashamed to know that, right?

Lump said...

i still buy maxim for the amazing photography. um, yep.

Soda and Candy said...

Also, best mens magazine I've ever read? King. ALL the chicks are lovely and round and have big asses and thighs.

Liz said...

I really got to read more magazines to know what I'm suppose to like...

I'm pretty sure it is not being peed on though...

Nick James said...

Very good review--you have talent.

Kellie said...

Wow. That is unbelievable. I would much rather try a 3 some than be peed on. Bodily fluids other than the necessary ones need to stay out of sex. This includes: blood, pee, poo, vomit, etc. Nastiness.

Miss Tiff said...

I would rather have a threesome than get peed on. That's gross. I can't believe only 62% said they wouldn't let a guy a pee on them. That's just gross.

LBluca77 said...

I have no desire to be peed on.that reminds me of the Sex and the City episode when that guy wanted to pee on Carrie. She was like "maybe you can pour warm tea on me instead"

FunnyGal KAT said...

Get thee a subscription... I just got one for the Pretend Husband for $10 for 12 issues. And I, too, was surprised by the poll results. I'm worried about such a significant part of the population that's into golden showers and am now suspicious of everyone I run into.

cavy said...

capricorn is entirely correct - there are better things out there for men to look at. my brother could give you a few tips haha

~Sheila~ said...

I used to receive Maxim. Not for Angel, but for me. I stopped receiving them but I really liked reading it better than Cosmo.

I like Eliza Dushku. I used to watch Buffy and Angel and now I watch Dollhouse.

Racquel Valencia said...

Y'know, it is actually kind of sad...

I'm one of the 51% that won't do _____. Threesomes are okay, but pretty damn overrated. Too many cooks in the kitchen, in my experience.

sj said...

who are these 100 people that are hanging around outside the editorial offices at maxim?

i agree with sam and diane. and everyone else. golden showers? seriously?

additionally, am going over KAT's tonight and now feel really nervous about drinking too many fluids, lest she get the wrong idea about what i'll be doing when i go home.

Finger Talks said...

wow ok seriously? with the pee? huh? shouldn't it be like 99.5% dont want to be peed on???

And I love Capricorn soooo much for her comment about Maxim-style lingerie. She's my new favorite girlfriend of a friend who i've never actually met except for having an online marriage with.

Nyxmyst said...

Umm... I wont say where I land on those polls. *blinks innocently*

*~Dani~* said...

I am thinking if a girl is laying/lain/laid down and her breasts are still in the perfect position, it is less about tape and more about silicone.

Wild Boomba said...

I am embarrassed to say I LOVED your comment about Stephen Hawking grabbing a scapel and saying (in robot voice) "I've. Got. A. Shot..." But it was the funniest thing I've heard in about a month, so I'll just have to live with my embarrassment! I found you while reading "A Little Blog About Nothing." I'm so glad I did!

Wild Boomba said...

By the way, I totally agree with Dani. It was silicone. It had to be. "The Girls" never point up when you're lying down. As someone with real boobs once said (and I think it was Oprah!), "My Pointers have become Setters."

Little Ms Blogger said...

I can't believe there are any women that want a Golden Shower -- well, I take that back. I think Annie Lennox sang a song about it.

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