When I first saw an advertisement for Snuggie, I couldn't believe my eyes. A blanket with sleeves, for $20, plus $8 shipping? That's an actual product? If this is the American ingenuity President Obama is referring to, we might be in this recession longer than predicted.
But it is just interesting enough that you want to wear it once, no matter how goofy it looks-- kind of like Crocs, ascots or baby seal skins. Just kidding. Dead baby seals don't look goofy. They look great! Just kidding, PETA. I wouldn't kill the baby seal before I wore it.
Now, I didn't actually own a Snuggie, so I called up my momz. This was the conversation:
Me: "Hey, momz, you own a Snuggie, right?"
Momz: "Yes, why?"
Me: "Can you, um, mail it to me?"
Momz: "Sure... but why do you need a Snuggie mailed to you?"
Me: "I'd like to take photos of myself wearing it around town."
Momz: (Silence) "Yeah, sure, I'll send it."
Just to be clear, I washed the Snuggie before returning it. I'm a good son. Here's the rundown of what your life could be like with a Snuggie:
Snuggie at the office: What better way to keep cozy at the cubicle than by wearing a Snuggie? Just don't try to use your hands, because the giant, oversized sleeves will make your arms into blue flippers. When they said one size fits all, the "one" must have been a blue whale who swallowed all the other customers.Snuggie in the bathroom: After hours of wearing your Snuggie on your couch and drinking
Snuggie modeling: There's no reason you can't look your best in a Snuggie, even if it fits you like a feed sack. Just look at how sexy I look. I don't Beyonce's ready for my Snuggie Jelly!
Snuggie pimping: There's a certain swagger that comes with wearing America's finest shirt blanket. Toss one on before you head out for a night on the town, and you might find someone snuggling up to your Snuggie. If you thought a skirt offered easy access, just trying grinding with a guy while you're wearing, essentially, a fleece hospital gown. Score!
Snuggie gangs: But Snuggies can also help you with your street cred. You'd be awash in Crip blue, or, if they kick you out because you look like a $#%&@ fairy, you could start your own rival gang. You could become known for being all shady-like, and having the warmth to stay out all night on the streets.
Snuggie superhero: In the event that you want to fight for good instead of evil, use the Snuggie to make your own Bat Signal. Bad ass!
Snuggie monk: Give your outfit a reverential boost; add a hood to complete the effect. Feel the warmth of the Spirit... the spirit of Snuggie!Snuggie cooking: Yeah, don't do this. That's an open flame and a loose sleeve. Snuggie bullfighting: There are few things more manly than fighting a freaking bull. But why sacrifice warmth while out in the arena getting your bull on? Keep your body comfortable, while flailing the Snuggie in the air. Use a red Snuggie for that extra element of danger.
Snuggie for pets: This would probably work better with a normal-sized dog, as the Snuggie people did not foresee the marketing potential of Snuggies for chiweenies. Bailey did not seem impressed.
Special thanks to coworker Hannah for taking several photos of me (there's a few bonus shots on her blog). Extra thanks to Bailey for letting me take photos of him throughout infomercial week.