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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

To discuss spam fame that comes for just $19.95

With great Snuggie fame, comes a great Snuggie price (only $19.95! I jest.)

Yesterday afternoon, I got more spam than a homeless shelter. A dude named Ed, who from this point forward in the post will be referred to as D-Bag, left a spam comment, more or less like the one at the bottom, on about 35 of my posts. At one point, it had Chinese symbols, and now it's all this numbering crap.

Yet I find this to be a good thing.

Why? Well, just as it did then, spam inspires me. So, as I head off for a two-day reporters conference, I leave you with this, and a task. Please leave a comment with what you think D-Bag was trying to so desperately tell us. Now, logic would say that, given the symbols were all just hyperlinks to spam sites, he was just a simple spammer. But I think D-Bag had a deeper message for all of us.

My translation:
Dear Wild ARS Chase,
Your Snuggie post reminded me of my time as an infant, wrapped in a blanket as my mother/sister breastfed me. It also reminded me of how she breastfed me yesterday, but that's neither here nor there.
I just thought I'd leave this extended message to let you know that somewhere out there, there's a man who's heart is hurting deeply, so deeply he can only communicate in cryptic, unreadable blog comments. Wouldn't you feel the same, if you had thought your whole life that Charlotte the spider was going to live happily ever after with Wilbur, only to watch helplessly as she dies? Or discover that Zack and Kelly were only fictitious characters and that they didn't actually go to prom together in real life? Life's just not fair.
Speaking of fair, I decided to spam many of your posts, to spread the spam love. I also am touching myself at this exact moment, so as to spread a different kind of love. But that's neither here nor there.
I hope this spam finds you well, and that you forgive me for its length and confusion. I hope we can meet again someday, although I see you have since turned on word verification. Word verification is evil. It reminds me of when I was in school and the teacher would make fun of me because I couldn't read. I don't know what was so funny-- a lot of teenagers can't read. But that's neither here nor there.
Take care, and tell your readers I'm sorry that I caused word verification to get turned back on. But they are welcome to leave word verification definitions if they want.
Love, D-Bag


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8 comments:

Srg said...

Ok - let me just say, ed f'ing sucks. He left me a few comments too which has forced me to turn on comment moderation.

But word ver's are fun!

amentio (n.) - the italian holy version of mentos, the freshmaker!

Currently Untitled said...

Dear Wild ARS Chase,

firstly, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

ahem. i would like to introduce myself. as you so correctly labeled me, my name is D-Bag. but, like you, my initials stand for much more then originally assumed. my name is (da da DAAAA)

Diabolical- Badass Googler. it doesn't make much sense, but then, too your miniscule mind my code to take over the world doesn't make much sense either!

as a true evil genius i shall tell you my plans.
each section of code states one step in taking over the world. the chinese symbols are the plans to take over Asian countries. the numbers are dates, times, people (we never use names in the evil genius business) and how many bags of chips i will need when it is time to watch my 'take-over' on the big screen.

I hear your screaming question through the metaphorical snuggie gag. why your blog? well, for one, you don't have any word verification turned on which is not only fun to define, but it keeps evil geniuses with built in wv beepy censor thingies (hey, it's in code, you will never understand this un-eloquence!!) such as me out of your comment section!!!

and for 2, i guessed you for a person who would immidiately turn wv on, locking my evil-ness into your blog for all eternity while turning this into a game (which is awesome by the way) so that no one ever finds out about my plans!!!!

MWAHAHAHA I'll see you at Doomsday!!!!!

yours sincerely
Diabolical- Badass Googler
(D-Bag)

p.s.
Brovir: like how bravo and brava differ for male and female, brovir is when Diabolical Evil Geniuses are cheered for.

FunnyGal KAT said...

Oh D-Bag, I thought I was the only one receiving your sweet, sweet comments on past blog entries. And now I come to find out that you are spreading your love all over the blog world rather than keeping it between us. You cheated on me, D-Bag! I thought we really had something going. But I have come to realize it obviously meant much more to me than it did to you.

So I must end things between us, D-Bag. No more glances from across a crowded room, no more whispered conversations in dark hallways, no more of your tender words on my blog. It's better this way. And just so we're clear, it's not me, it's you.

Jess said...

D-bag didn't come out to play on my blog.

And, I'm ok with that!

Children of the Nineties said...

Beautiful translation. I know I felt the same way when I found out Zack and Kelly weren't actually attending the prom together in real life. Maybe next time he'll invite you to join him on a lucrative Nigerian investment venture.

Kellie said...

F'ing spammers ruining the commenting for the rest of us. He can piss off. I had to do the same... :(

Soda and Candy said...

D-Bag,
I can't believe you've been unfaithful to me not only with FunnyGal KAT (was she funnier than me???) but wih ANDY. I mean, I know he's the premier Snuggie reviewer in the blogosphere, but I thought I could trust you... You've broken my fragile little blog-heart.

Dejectedly yours,
Soda & Candy

Jenners said...

I do speak and read Chinese and this "spammer" (really named Dan) said:

Dearest Andy:

you are a comic genius and I must tell you this multiple times. Donkey. Horse. Free the whales. Where is General Tso and why are you eating him?

Dan

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