To discuss a TV Play by Play: Top Model 13: Fortress of Fierceness

This third episode of America's Next Top Model should be a doozy. Why? Partly because I like the word doozy, and partly because two girls are getting kicked off. Let's jump into the TV Play by Play. Here's last week's episode, the two-part season premiere, if you missed it.

And here's the nickname reminder (explanation in season premiere recap): Mommy (Rae), Black Sheep (Nicole), Miss Congeniality (Jennifer), Lady Luck (Ashley), Spirit Fingers (Courtney), Mena (Erin), The L Word (LuLu), Headlights (Rachel), The Widower (Laura), Lelly (Kara), NC-17 (Brittany), Hot Fudge Sundae (Sundai) Pouty McPouterson (Bianca)
Eliminated: Understudy (Lisa)

:06 The girls are taken to Wilhemina Modeling to interview with president, Sean Patterson, and Nigel Barker, the Top Model judge/photographer. And, once again, a girl gets caught looking foolish- The L Word says she loves fashion... then can't name one fashion photographer. This would be like me saying I love the NFL, but I can't name a team.
:15 In a surprise move, Nigel and Sean say a girl is getting kicked off right now for not being Wilhemina material.... and it's Headlights, who was "boring." She couldn't come up with one song to sing when Nigel asked her to show something from her musical theater experience. I would have rocked that part! "I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and fierce!"
:18 Top Model jumped the boat that jumped the shark. As the girls are getting fake-ripped on by a photographer, Tyra, dressed in a trench coat like a supermodel pedophile, swoops in to say she can be a good model. The photographer doubts her, so Tyra gets angry and eats babies. Well, at least, she might as well have. She ripped off her coat to reveal a black-and-silver leotard and cape. Her superpower is her Smize, or Smiles with My Eyes. It's like she's the reject student at Professor Xavier's X-men academy.
:20 Tyra gives individual Smize lessons, telling the girls to internally think of something that make them smile. NC-17 says "cats," so Tyra, wrapping her arms around Brittany, says let's touch your cat. "Oh, that sounds a little gross," Tyra quicky says. Yes, Tyra. Yes, it does.
:20 Miss Congeniality, with her lazy eye, is worried about smiling with her eyes. It's a little hard to smile with your eyes when one looks like it's frowning. Black Sheep, on the other hand, never smiles at all, so asking her to smile with her eyes is like asking Heidi Montag to sing the national anthem. You're screwed before you even start.
:21 Top Model jumped the ocean than the boat landed in. The girls, getting ready for an eye-smiling photo challenge, are dressed up like Oompa Loompas in a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sequel.
:22 Check that. They look like ninjas in a gay pride parade.
:25 The winning team from the challenge get dinner with the Wilhemina Modeling president. The losing team gets to wash dishes... Eh, good practice- those that don't cut it as models will end up doing this anyway, right?
:31 Nude shoot, third episode into the season. But not just any nude shoot. They are shooting nude, on top of a horse, with a jockey. "Is that a riding crop, or are you happy to pose with me naked?"
:34 The Widower says she's thrilled because she owns a horse, and she loves nudity. I sense a new sport: nude horse racing. You can bet on Win, Place, Show and Nipple.
:37 Photo director Jay Manuel: "If I think back to someone like Isis (Cycle 11), who was transgender, she looked a lot more feminine than Pouty McPouterson did today." Your Cycle 13 Top Models!
:44 Lauren Conrad is the guest judge. Her qualifications, according to Tyra: She's a super-duper huge reality star, and a clothing designer...This would be an accurate assessment of, say, Christian from Project Runway, but LC? Qualifications: Former star of a show critically panned for vapid personalities and scripted "reality." Not as famous anymore as Heidi. Kinda hot, sometimes, in certain photos.
:48 Tyra said Pouty's face in her photo looks like a "Who farted?" Pouty's having a really good week so far!

:54 Why do I expect Spencer Pratt to jump out during judging and tell everyone he hates LC?
:55 Mena gets top photo, followed by NC-17, The Widower, Black Sheep, Lelly, Miss Congeniality, Hot Fudge Sundae, Mommy, The L Word, Lady Luck, which leaves a bottom two of...
:57 Spirit Fingers and Pouty... and, uh, Spirit Fingers is going home? Not the girl who looks more like a man than a transgender and made a fart face? Top Model really doesn't like girls who give up-- Spirit Fingers lost her rah-rah-rah when she got frustrated in her shoot and said she stopped caring. She would have been better off making a fart face.